Inappropriate touching? (trigger warning)

[Upintheair83]

( so even though there isn't detailed abuse described here, as that isn't what iv been/ going through. I put trigger warning in the title in case anyone has experienced abuse and that this topic could cause upset. )

Iv been with my partner for 7 years now. Only until I got pregnant during covid did we start getting close to my partners father and step mum.
When we told him we were expecting he was very supportive and we have all grown alot closer.
I can't fault his support and love for his Grandson.
However, he's starting to make me feel very uncomfortable.
Iv noticed he always wants to welcome me with a kiss and a hug, and that's ok, I'm quite tactile but sometimes it seems too much....but the main problem is that he ends in a bum touch/ pat.
I hate it and it makes me feel so awkward and angry. I don't want anyone touching my bum!
But what do I do? My partner adores his dad and is so sensitive. But I'm really starting to get irritated by it. I keep thinking do I move away when he goes to kiss me, or place my hands behind my back on my bum to prevent him touching me?
It just doesn't feel right, it feels off.
But i don't know if I'm over reacting slightly or what to do.
Has anyone experienced this? And what did you do?

 

[Monkeymagic85]

Just tell him not to? If he does it next time you see him just say could you not touch my bum please.

I'm sure his partner wouldn't want him touching your bum either.

 

[Snippysnips]

Honestly I would just say somthing, even just mention to your partner that it's making you uncomfortable, it's better to deal with it sooner rather than later before you end up building it up inside you an then snapping in anger at him one day which could cause it to be a lot worse if you all end up in a massive argument

Are you getting on with your MIL? Does she know? Maybe even talk with her, perhaps she could mention it to him that your uncomfortable when it's just the two of them

It's definitely not wise to let it continue though, the longer it goes on the more he will think it's acceptable

 

[Upintheair83]

So i don't get on with my mother in law, and she bad mouths him anyway since they split years ago, and so I feel like she has a biased view of him. I don't want to add more fuel to a fire that isn't to do with my own family. If that makes sense?
I couldn't talk to my partners step mum as there is a slight language barrier and I don't think i would be able to convey how I feel without offending her. I already feel so sorry for her, as she's recently lost two brothers and she lives in a different country to her family. And so I feel she's a bit isolated and i don't want to cause her more upset in her life, she's too good a soul for that.

I know I should speak out and be direct but I find it very hard without worrying I will cause offence. To turn around when exchanging pleasantries and saying 'please don't touch my bum' would take a lot of confidence from me. But I know it's what I should do. It's just finding it within me to do. If it was a stranger I would easily do it. But a FIL that's very very good to us, and who my partner clearly adores feels like it may cause major upset and offence.
But if I were to say it out loud, would you say it so everyone can hear, or in his ear?
Urgh it makes me shiver thinking of the last couple of times he's done it.
My partner is such a gentleman. He's kind, gentle and respectful. And I know he wouldn't like it. But he worships his dad. I feel like I would be upsetting alot of people. its really getting me down.

 

[Monkeymagic85]

I don't want to sound harsh but you need to pull your big girls pants on and either tell him direct or tell your partner.

You're a mother now, would you want your son to just say nothing and be inappropriately touched when he's older and not say anything out of fear for offending someone?

Your options are say something or put up and shut up

 

[Snippysnips]

It could be he probably doesn't realise you don't see it as the joke he probably thinks it is, some guys see those as being funny, even when they really aren't, I had a neighbour that would constantly go round slapping females asses but he wouldn't do it to me cause I let him know EXACTLY how I felt doing that

Just take him aside an mention you don't like it, it can take alot to do but at the end of the day kids mimic what people around them do, how will you feel if you son suddenly starts going up to other adults an slapping them on the butt cause he sees his grandfather do it

 

[Upintheair83]

I don't want to sound harsh but you need to pull your big girls pants on and either tell him direct or tell your partner.

You're a mother now, would you want your son to just say nothing and be inappropriately touched when he's older and not say anything out of fear for offending someone?

Your options are say something or put up and shut up

No I totally agree and that's why I want to say something. I suppose I just don't want to hurt my partner that's all. I know he will be upset if it causes offence and causes disharmony to an already broken family, as there has been alot of upset recently in the family in terms of arguments. As I said, anyone else- my family or a stranger I'd have said it straight away and wouldn't need to seek advice.
But do I say it so all can hear? Or solely to him? As and when he does it?

It could be he probably doesn't realise you don't see it as the joke he probably thinks it is, some guys see those as being funny, even when they really aren't, I had a neighbour that would constantly go round slapping females asses but he wouldn't do it to me cause I let him know EXACTLY how I felt doing that

Just take him aside an mention you don't like it, it can take alot to do but at the end of the day kids mimic what people around them do, how will you feel if you son suddenly starts going up to other adults an slapping them on the butt cause he sees his grandfather do it

That's exactly what I don't want to happen. My son emulate treating women that way. And as the other poster said to not speak up if anyone touched him inappropriately.

 

[RR20]

Personally I find it weird that he would touch your bum in the first place even just one time if someone doesn't give consent to that kind of contact then that is a major red flag for me and very worrying behaviour. Why not touch someone's arm or back if they are a tactile person. If it was me I would mention to your partner you feel uncomfortable and want this behaviour to stop.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

The fact he has been good to you doesnt mean he can get away with groping you. He doesn't have the right to do this to you, I would start by telling your husband. I know how you feel though, this has happened to me and my response was to freeze and then berate myself later for not doing anything about it.

 

[Kim Mild]

Give the fil a punch on the upper arm and pass it of as being affectionate or a joke , which is probably what he will say he is doing if you call him out

 

[Monkeymagic85]

No I totally agree and that's why I want to say something. I suppose I just don't want to hurt my partner that's all. I know he will be upset if it causes offence and causes disharmony to an already broken family, as there has been alot of upset recently in the family in terms of arguments. As I said, anyone else- my family or a stranger I'd have said it straight away and wouldn't need to seek advice.
But do I say it so all can hear? Or solely to him? As and when he does it?


That's exactly what I don't want to happen. My son emulate treating women that way. And as the other poster said to not speak up if anyone touched him inappropriately.

I get you don't want to upset your partner but it's not your fault, it's not really a normal way to greet someone is it

 

[Upintheair83]

I get you don't want to upset your partner but it's not your fault, it's not really a normal way to greet someone is it

No it's not, and what you said about my son not speaking up if ever he encountered someone touching him inappropriately really hit home. That's exactly what i don't want to happen and you have to lead by example. I an a mum now as you say, it's just iv always been so quiet, not very confident really and I suppose I find it hard to speak up at times. But I would have said something to a stranger, but this is a person I see regularly and I don't want him doing it ever again. So I know what iv got to do. I just would never want to cause upset to my partner snd he's had so much upset in his family already and that was whats been bothering me. He may not have anymore family left if this doesn't go down very well. But I just don't want anyone touching my bottom like that. I don't get why men think they have that right.
But I wouldn't accept it from a stranger or a work colleague and I don't want it off him!

 

[bojobingo]

It’s horrible being in that position, lots of women have the go to stance of feeling like they’re blowing things out of proportion, even when quite obviously terrible things have happened to them. Bum patting
is hardly a standard greeting outside of sporting clubs - and even in those situations it’s questionable.

I hate being touched anywhere, it feels so invasive. I have in-laws that are from much more tactile cultures and I’m scared to be around them for fear of the unwanted touch (and this is just arms, standing too close etc).
I hope you find the courage to set your boundaries because I’ve been so terrible at it.

 

[Monkeymagic85]

No it's not, and what you said about my son not speaking up if ever he encountered someone touching him inappropriately really hit home. That's exactly what i don't want to happen and you have to lead by example. I an a mum now as you say, it's just iv always been so quiet, not very confident really and I suppose I find it hard to speak up at times. But I would have said something to a stranger, but this is a person I see regularly and I don't want him doing it ever again. So I know what iv got to do. I just would never want to cause upset to my partner snd he's had so much upset in his family already and that was whats been bothering me. He may not have anymore family left if this doesn't go down very well. But I just don't want anyone touching my bottom like that. I don't get why men think they have that right.
But I wouldn't accept it from a stranger or a work colleague and I don't want it off him!

I totally understand, I'm very similar and I don't like confrontation either, plenty of stuff I let go but something important like this I would always say something even though it makes me uncomfortable. I ask myself what I'd tell my daughter to do in a certain situation and obviously mama bear always tell you to stand up for yourself.

He might not even realise he's doing it or maybe he thinks you like it.

I'd start with your partner, he might even just speak to his dad and save you the awkwardness of the conversation.

Let us know how you get on

 

[Upintheair83]

It’s horrible being in that position, lots of women have the go to stance of feeling like they’re blowing things out of proportion, even when quite obviously terrible things have happened to them. Bum patting
is hardly a standard greeting outside of sporting clubs - and even in those situations it’s questionable.

I hate being touched anywhere, it feels so invasive. I have in-laws that are from much more tactile cultures and I’m scared to be around them for fear of the unwanted touch (and this is just arms, standing too close etc).
I hope you find the courage to set your boundaries because I’ve been so terrible at it.

Thank you so much. I am going to do it because its making me question him as a person now. It's not even a light tap, he hugs me to say goodbye and then moves his hand down and it lingers for a frw seconds on my bum. Just horrible and the more I think about the more I wish I had said something last time I saw him and he did it.

I totally understand, I'm very similar and I don't like confrontation either, plenty of stuff I let go but something important like this I would always say something even though it makes me uncomfortable. I ask myself what I'd tell my daughter to do in a certain situation and obviously mama bear always tell you to stand up for yourself.

He might not even realise he's doing it or maybe he thinks you like it.

I'd start with your partner, he might even just speak to his dad and save you the awkwardness of the conversation.

Let us know how you get on

Thank you for your wonderful advice. I really do appreciate it when people take the time to reply x

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Has your husband never noticed? In all the times you’ve had this happen, he’s never been stood behind you or close enough to have seen it happen?

Tell him. Just say that you find it inappropriate and it’s making you uncomfortable. Would your husband allow your mother to grab his ass every time she saw him? I think not.

 

[Rxt156]

Talking it over is going to be very awkward. I wouldn’t want to do it either as it could being a whole load of issues in the future.

I’d find a way to stand/approach him so that he cannot do it.

 

[Babyyoda88]

Sorry you’re going through this and being put in this situation. What is the matter with him!! I would find it very awkward to bring up too especially in a way that wouldn’t make the relationship then awkward forever. Could you bring it up in a “jokey” way (not to make light of the situation) but jokey but firm and you mean it. Does that make sense? X

 

[laughing]

Next time he does it, just say,

' I really don't like that, please don't do it again

He probably does not even realise he is doing it.

No need to drag anyine else into it, unless he does not stop at your request.

We are all responsible for our own actions, you need to take control of the situation

 

[Tublet83]

Can you not just move his hand away when he does it? He would get the message then