Inappropriate touching? (trigger warning)

[Upintheair83]

Just an update. I told my partner about what was happening and he believed me straight away, seems he has previous form of it and my partner has seen him act similarly some years back before I even knew him.
Since posting on here, I also sought advice about the concerns regarding my son that I had. I also was open and told my partner these concerns and said I don't want his dad being around our son alone. Iv implemented a family safety plan, which was what I have been advised to do
Iv been spending my free time educating myself of child abuse and the warning signs. I would urge anyone who has any doubts, like I have, to do the same.
I honestly don't know if my FIL could harm my child, but I'm determined to protect him and continue to educate myself and NEVER leave him alone with him. The people I spoke to said a concern, even a small one, is valid and should be acted on
I urge anyone to do the same
If you are in the UK, I would recommend the Stop it now website. There is great information and help. It's all anonymous and they are vwry supportive.
It was hard to find my voice and tell my partner, I felt I was risking alot in the family, but I'm so glad I did and I can now teach my son as he gets older that he can always speak up to.

 

[Monkeymagic85]

I don't want to sound harsh but you need to pull your big girls pants on and either tell him direct or tell your partner.

You're a mother now, would you want your son to just say nothing and be inappropriately touched when he's older and not say anything out of fear for offending someone?

Your options are say something or put up and shut up

 

[BettyCrockerr]

So when he does it, its usually when we are saying goodbye. So for example we are standing in a hallway or utility room about to leave. So everyone is standing round saying their goodbyes or my parnter is going to the car loading up babies things. He does it really slyly. He will always expect a hug and a kiss goodbye and as he does it, he then lowers his arm down so its like he's placing his around my waist and then it lingers on my bum. So no, I don't think anyone sees.
He's a very quiet man very clever and is a church warden. He's very quietly spoken and my partner adores him. So he's not the sort of character I could sort of make a joke about it and banter it off forcefully. My plan is to move his hand away next time and say I don't like that. But do it calmly and firmly. He's quite a dominant partner with his wife. She is foreign and I get the impression she's very subservient and many a time iv felt uncomfortable with things he's said around her or she's told me he's said. If my partner had the same attitude I would run a mile. Thankfully he's nothing like him.
It does leave me questioning his character though. If he can do that, what else does he deem acceptable? Will my son be safe around him? It's making me very uneasy and uncomfortable the more I stop and think about it all.

The very fact that you say he “expects” a hug or kiss goodbye is ringing all sorts of alarm bells. Even without the touching of the ass. You don’t have to physically touch him - or anyone - to say goodbye. Stop trying to rationalise or excuse what he’s doing and how his actions make you feel. It makes no difference what his involvement is in the church or what your husband thinks of him; the guy is being a creepy old letch and being inappropriate and it has to stop. Tell your husband.

 

[Upintheair83]

Wonderful update.

I am obviously too late but I was going to advise leaning in next time you hug (and he touches you) and whispering to him “You ever touch me like this again and I’ll rip your fucking throat out.” accompanied with a sweet smile and then a cheery wave goodbye.

Never leave him with you son and if you can anonymously report him to any organisations where he might have unrestricted access to children.

Love this!
Yes the lady I spoke to said i could also request a Sarah's law enquiry on him.

 

[Monkeymagic85]

No I totally agree and that's why I want to say something. I suppose I just don't want to hurt my partner that's all. I know he will be upset if it causes offence and causes disharmony to an already broken family, as there has been alot of upset recently in the family in terms of arguments. As I said, anyone else- my family or a stranger I'd have said it straight away and wouldn't need to seek advice.
But do I say it so all can hear? Or solely to him? As and when he does it?


That's exactly what I don't want to happen. My son emulate treating women that way. And as the other poster said to not speak up if anyone touched him inappropriately.

I get you don't want to upset your partner but it's not your fault, it's not really a normal way to greet someone is it

 

[Upintheair83]

The very fact that you say he “expects” a hug or kiss goodbye is ringing all sorts of alarm bells. Even without the touching of the ass. You don’t have to physically touch him - or anyone - to say goodbye. Stop trying to rationalise or excuse what he’s doing and how his actions make you feel. It makes no difference what his involvement is in the church or what your husband thinks of him; the guy is being a creepy old letch and being inappropriate and it has to stop. Tell your husband.

Oh I'm not making excuses, I just was trying to explain his character/ how he presents. As in if he was a more jokey, down to earth kind of guy I could add a bit of banter off with it, to make it less awkward for those around me. But he presents as very straight lace, you can't really have a joke with him. He comes across as respectful, but obv he isn't as iv come to realise. But obv if anyone hears me say it- ie his wife or my partner. Mouths will drop I'm sure. But in no way am I making excuses.
I came on here to ask for advice, as I felt I couldn't speak to my partner. Not because I don't feel comfortable, but more because I didn't want to hurt him. None of his family really bother with him anymore and they aren't intrested in our son. And so for his dad to be interested I know meant alot to him. But now il have to crash his emotions down again. And while I know it must be done, it's easier said than done. So that was why I just wanted some advice on good ideas to do it/ best way to handle it.
I'm going to firmly but politely move his hand away next time. And if he does it again I will make sure I make more of a scene and I will not feel comfortable seeing him again. And that's that.
In regards to my son being left with him, unfortunately I go back to work soon and part of the plan was for him to have him. And now I don't want that to happen. So in going have to re think it all.
It's really upsetting me, this whole thing.
I do feel really violated actually, even though it doesn't seem much, just resting his hand on my bum. But it is a big deal, and it's what it could lead to that scares me. So I know iv got to make sure he knows I'm not standing for it.

 

[Upintheair83]

Oh it's one off those threads!

I don't know what you mean?? But all I wanted was advice.
For the record iv not made any of this up, I'm genuinely upset and wanted advice. It's real life not some made up scenario. And as a new mum with new responsibilities and life situation I didn't know where else to turn.
I'm sorry if iv caused offence to anyone or created 'one of those threads'. But being touched inappropriately is no laughing matter and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been in this situation and felt uncomfortable
So i shall bow out now of this thread I created, looking for support.
I know what I need to do. Thanks to everyone who responded with care, kindness and sound advice.
I will take it all on board. I just want me and my son yo be safe, and because I love my partner, I just wanted to do it in a tactful manner.

 

[Upintheair83]

So when he does it, its usually when we are saying goodbye. So for example we are standing in a hallway or utility room about to leave. So everyone is standing round saying their goodbyes or my parnter is going to the car loading up babies things. He does it really slyly. He will always expect a hug and a kiss goodbye and as he does it, he then lowers his arm down so its like he's placing his around my waist and then it lingers on my bum. So no, I don't think anyone sees.
He's a very quiet man very clever and is a church warden. He's very quietly spoken and my partner adores him. So he's not the sort of character I could sort of make a joke about it and banter it off forcefully. My plan is to move his hand away next time and say I don't like that. But do it calmly and firmly. He's quite a dominant partner with his wife. She is foreign and I get the impression she's very subservient and many a time iv felt uncomfortable with things he's said around her or she's told me he's said. If my partner had the same attitude I would run a mile. Thankfully he's nothing like him.
It does leave me questioning his character though. If he can do that, what else does he deem acceptable? Will my son be safe around him? It's making me very uneasy and uncomfortable the more I stop and think about it all.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

The fact he has been good to you doesnt mean he can get away with groping you. He doesn't have the right to do this to you, I would start by telling your husband. I know how you feel though, this has happened to me and my response was to freeze and then berate myself later for not doing anything about it.

 

[reCAPTCHA]

Just an update. I told my partner about what was happening and he believed me straight away, seems he has previous form of it and my partner has seen him act similarly some years back before I even knew him.
Since posting on here, I also sought advice about the concerns regarding my son that I had. I also was open and told my partner these concerns and said I don't want his dad being around our son alone. Iv implemented a family safety plan, which was what I have been advised to do
Iv been spending my free time educating myself of child abuse and the warning signs. I would urge anyone who has any doubts, like I have, to do the same.
I honestly don't know if my FIL could harm my child, but I'm determined to protect him and continue to educate myself and NEVER leave him alone with him. The people I spoke to said a concern, even a small one, is valid and should be acted on
I urge anyone to do the same
If you are in the UK, I would recommend the Stop it now website. There is great information and help. It's all anonymous and they are vwry supportive.
It was hard to find my voice and tell my partner, I felt I was risking alot in the family, but I'm so glad I did and I can now teach my son as he gets older that he can always speak up to.

Wonderful update.

I am obviously too late but I was going to advise leaning in next time you hug (and he touches you) and whispering to him “You ever touch me like this again and I’ll rip your fucking throat out.” accompanied with a sweet smile and then a cheery wave goodbye.

Never leave him with you son and if you can anonymously report him to any organisations where he might have unrestricted access to children.

 

[Monkeymagic85]

No it's not, and what you said about my son not speaking up if ever he encountered someone touching him inappropriately really hit home. That's exactly what i don't want to happen and you have to lead by example. I an a mum now as you say, it's just iv always been so quiet, not very confident really and I suppose I find it hard to speak up at times. But I would have said something to a stranger, but this is a person I see regularly and I don't want him doing it ever again. So I know what iv got to do. I just would never want to cause upset to my partner snd he's had so much upset in his family already and that was whats been bothering me. He may not have anymore family left if this doesn't go down very well. But I just don't want anyone touching my bottom like that. I don't get why men think they have that right.
But I wouldn't accept it from a stranger or a work colleague and I don't want it off him!

I totally understand, I'm very similar and I don't like confrontation either, plenty of stuff I let go but something important like this I would always say something even though it makes me uncomfortable. I ask myself what I'd tell my daughter to do in a certain situation and obviously mama bear always tell you to stand up for yourself.

He might not even realise he's doing it or maybe he thinks you like it.

I'd start with your partner, he might even just speak to his dad and save you the awkwardness of the conversation.

Let us know how you get on

 

[Upintheair83]

It’s horrible being in that position, lots of women have the go to stance of feeling like they’re blowing things out of proportion, even when quite obviously terrible things have happened to them. Bum patting
is hardly a standard greeting outside of sporting clubs - and even in those situations it’s questionable.

I hate being touched anywhere, it feels so invasive. I have in-laws that are from much more tactile cultures and I’m scared to be around them for fear of the unwanted touch (and this is just arms, standing too close etc).
I hope you find the courage to set your boundaries because I’ve been so terrible at it.

Thank you so much. I am going to do it because its making me question him as a person now. It's not even a light tap, he hugs me to say goodbye and then moves his hand down and it lingers for a frw seconds on my bum. Just horrible and the more I think about the more I wish I had said something last time I saw him and he did it.

I totally understand, I'm very similar and I don't like confrontation either, plenty of stuff I let go but something important like this I would always say something even though it makes me uncomfortable. I ask myself what I'd tell my daughter to do in a certain situation and obviously mama bear always tell you to stand up for yourself.

He might not even realise he's doing it or maybe he thinks you like it.

I'd start with your partner, he might even just speak to his dad and save you the awkwardness of the conversation.

Let us know how you get on

Thank you for your wonderful advice. I really do appreciate it when people take the time to reply x

 

[Clickbait]

I wonder if it may be worth mentioning this to your partner first just so he’s not blindsided if and when you raise it with his father. If you preface with something along the lines of “I’m sure he doesn’t mean offence but it makes me uncomfortable” then he won’t feel you’re attacking his dad and will see why you’ve raised it.

Personally I’d love to shame the dirty old man by saying something like “you know when we hug goodbye? Can you stop feeling my bum - it won’t have gone missing from the last time you did it!”

I‘m sure this is done deliberately, a one off could have been a mistake but it’s clearly a habit and something he gets off on. Saying that, I don’t think you can make the leap that your son would be in danger in his presence. Hope you can get it resolved as you must dread going over there!

 

[Monkeymagic85]

Just tell him not to? If he does it next time you see him just say could you not touch my bum please.

I'm sure his partner wouldn't want him touching your bum either.

 

[Snippysnips]

It could be he probably doesn't realise you don't see it as the joke he probably thinks it is, some guys see those as being funny, even when they really aren't, I had a neighbour that would constantly go round slapping females asses but he wouldn't do it to me cause I let him know EXACTLY how I felt doing that

Just take him aside an mention you don't like it, it can take alot to do but at the end of the day kids mimic what people around them do, how will you feel if you son suddenly starts going up to other adults an slapping them on the butt cause he sees his grandfather do it

 

[Upintheair83]

I get you don't want to upset your partner but it's not your fault, it's not really a normal way to greet someone is it

No it's not, and what you said about my son not speaking up if ever he encountered someone touching him inappropriately really hit home. That's exactly what i don't want to happen and you have to lead by example. I an a mum now as you say, it's just iv always been so quiet, not very confident really and I suppose I find it hard to speak up at times. But I would have said something to a stranger, but this is a person I see regularly and I don't want him doing it ever again. So I know what iv got to do. I just would never want to cause upset to my partner snd he's had so much upset in his family already and that was whats been bothering me. He may not have anymore family left if this doesn't go down very well. But I just don't want anyone touching my bottom like that. I don't get why men think they have that right.
But I wouldn't accept it from a stranger or a work colleague and I don't want it off him!

 

[miamae]

Do not leave your son with him, after all of this I just can't comprehend how you'd even consider it! Tell your partner and more importantly, tell your FIL to back off. You have to confront his actions else he will just continue. If your partner can't see where your coming from then that would ring alarm bells also.

 

[RR20]

Personally I find it weird that he would touch your bum in the first place even just one time if someone doesn't give consent to that kind of contact then that is a major red flag for me and very worrying behaviour. Why not touch someone's arm or back if they are a tactile person. If it was me I would mention to your partner you feel uncomfortable and want this behaviour to stop.

 

[Babyyoda88]

Just an update. I told my partner about what was happening and he believed me straight away, seems he has previous form of it and my partner has seen him act similarly some years back before I even knew him.
Since posting on here, I also sought advice about the concerns regarding my son that I had. I also was open and told my partner these concerns and said I don't want his dad being around our son alone. Iv implemented a family safety plan, which was what I have been advised to do
Iv been spending my free time educating myself of child abuse and the warning signs. I would urge anyone who has any doubts, like I have, to do the same.
I honestly don't know if my FIL could harm my child, but I'm determined to protect him and continue to educate myself and NEVER leave him alone with him. The people I spoke to said a concern, even a small one, is valid and should be acted on
I urge anyone to do the same
If you are in the UK, I would recommend the Stop it now website. There is great information and help. It's all anonymous and they are vwry supportive.
It was hard to find my voice and tell my partner, I felt I was risking alot in the family, but I'm so glad I did and I can now teach my son as he gets older that he can always speak up to.

Well done you! Thanks for the update x

 

[Tublet83]

If your gut feelings are that there are alarm bells ringing I would act on it, mothers instinct I wouldn’t be leaving your son there