How to forgive yourself, for your ‘behaviour’ during a mental health crisis..

[Calmyourtitsdown]

Well you’re not alone lovely because life has royally messed me up too. I had real problems with drinking and joined AA and still work the programme - stick with me, I’m not thinking at all you have any sort of substance issues - but one of the key things that still resonates with me is “you only pay your gas bill once”...a huge part of the programme is to make amends to those you’ve harmed but don’t keep doing saying you’re sorry. And only take on board and rectify you’re part in something - I would blame myself for everything and carry other people’s guilt and shame on top of my own.

Who knows what the future will bring? I firmly believe in “what’s meant for you won’t pass you by”. And in the meantime, please try to be kinder to yourself. This too shall pass

Thank you again. I hope you’re on the road to recovery (I hope that doesn’t sound patronising at all) Personally I see substance abuse as another form of mental illness, and one that holds probably the most stigma from outsiders.
I’ve always had this ‘sorry’ mentality. Always taking the blame, saying sorry a thousand times, in the hope that on one of those times it would be enough and make things ok.

I do too. As I said earlier, I very much believe in fate, and that the universe has it’s plan (so no matter what you do, eventually you will always end up where you’re meant to be; with who you’re meant to be with). This belief has grown stronger for me in the past couple of years, and does bring me some comfort.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Thank you again. I hope you’re on the road to recovery (I hope that doesn’t sound patronising at all) Personally I see substance abuse as another form of mental illness, and one that holds probably the most stigma from outsiders.
I’ve always had this ‘sorry’ mentality. Always taking the blame, saying sorry a thousand times, in the hope that on one of those times it would be enough and make things ok.

I do too. As I said earlier, I very much believe in fate, and that the universe has it’s plan (so no matter what you do, eventually you will always end up where you’re meant to be; with who you’re meant to be with). This belief has grown stronger for me in the past couple of years, and does bring me some comfort.

On the whole I’m much better thanks but still prone to depression. Life’s not easy is it but we go again and keep fighting the good fight!

 

[Calmyourtitsdown]

On the whole I’m much better thanks but still prone to depression. Life’s not easy is it but we go again and keep fighting the good fight!

Sending lots of love to you. I can’t thank you enough for your lovely responses.
I really wasn’t expect such kindness (more like people telling me to give my head a good shake!)

 

[gashycrash]

Hello I’ve stumbled upon this thread, and I don’t actually know what I was looking for. I feel like I had a drastic decline really bleeping quickly. I kind of feel like I was treading water and then certain things happened/ not happened and it’s been 2/3 weeks and I’m like still sat in the car everyday thinking of what the actual point is for like hours. And I legit don’t have the energy to talk about it to anyone or anyone in my circle; I kinda at the stage where I don’t want advice from anyone in my life. My partner is like an optimist and he’s got his own kids from a previous marriage and every weekend I just feel like a weird outsider; and just like I’ve got no one to depend on me for anything. The optimism my partner: it irritates the duck out of me; because I feel like he never really understands about what it feels like. And I just get angry and want to antagonise everyone. That’s the main sign; that I wish pain and tit on people that I love.
And health wise I’m not great- and I’m getting angry at every healthy person around me. Like I kinda just think what’s the bleeping point. I’ve never been good at reaching out when I needed someone, and with that I’ve isolated a lot of people. I’m on quite a lot of medication and morphine and I kind of feel myself slowly slipping into depending on it to make me feel numb; and I kind of am doing it on purpose so everyone feels uncomfortable. I feel like every opportunity I get to feel better, I kind of don’t want to feel better because I don’t see it happening. So I kind of on self sabotage mode, evidently.
I’m sorry I don’t actually know why I’m posting here right now. I don’t know, even today, I just drove to see my parents and they are asking me if I’m ok and I’m like “yep I’m fine” I genuinely feel uncomfortable with all of this.

 

[curious truth seeker]

Iam sorry to read your post
Iam in no qualified position to give advice I can only offer my experience
You sound like me a while ago
Stuck living with a selfish person who had kids already and treated my like tit
It was my emotional health that deteriorated a lot, and I mean a lot, never suicidal but I was broken, I was made to feel completely worthless and no more than a person that stayed at the house cooking cleaning and waiting on them saying jump, my own buisness that I had spent years building shoved to one side as I believed myself incapable
Then one day I had enough and I snapped
Mentally I woke back up and fought it, the voice that told me that this was all I was worth was replaced more by a voice that said get out
It took me 6 months but I did it
I left and I’ve never looked back
It’s taken therapy time and patience
There’s no quick fix
Iam permentally damage I resort to appeasement behaviour in every new connection because of what this hole and others have done to me but I do notice it quicker now and stop
All I can say is be kind to yourself and forgiving to your past self, be patient too
Take time to get to know yourself and look after yourself
And good luck to you
I wish you bravery and confidence

As I mentioned above anyone have any tips on appeasement behaviour and it’s management
It started towards my abusive patents to try and keep peace and as a child get them to be kind to me
And now as an adult I use it in any new connection to in my mind get them to like them and I think in my mind form a connection however it’s actually based on me offering to help them and do things for them for nothing (ofton near strangers) to give myself some worth to them

god it’s annoying and it’s a default mentally that I have, I can spot it now and stop it within the first few weeks but it’s still weeks too many

 

[Calmyourtitsdown]

Hello I’ve stumbled upon this thread, and I don’t actually know what I was looking for. I feel like I had a drastic decline really bleeping quickly. I kind of feel like I was treading water and then certain things happened/ not happened and it’s been 2/3 weeks and I’m like still sat in the car everyday thinking of what the actual point is for like hours. And I legit don’t have the energy to talk about it to anyone or anyone in my circle; I kinda at the stage where I don’t want advice from anyone in my life. My partner is like an optimist and he’s got his own kids from a previous marriage and every weekend I just feel like a weird outsider; and just like I’ve got no one to depend on me for anything. The optimism my partner: it irritates the duck out of me; because I feel like he never really understands about what it feels like. And I just get angry and want to antagonise everyone. That’s the main sign; that I wish pain and tit on people that I love.
And health wise I’m not great- and I’m getting angry at every healthy person around me. Like I kinda just think what’s the bleeping point. I’ve never been good at reaching out when I needed someone, and with that I’ve isolated a lot of people. I’m on quite a lot of medication and morphine and I kind of feel myself slowly slipping into depending on it to make me feel numb; and I kind of am doing it on purpose so everyone feels uncomfortable. I feel like every opportunity I get to feel better, I kind of don’t want to feel better because I don’t see it happening. So I kind of on self sabotage mode, evidently.
I’m sorry I don’t actually know why I’m posting here right now. I don’t know, even today, I just drove to see my parents and they are asking me if I’m ok and I’m like “yep I’m fine” I genuinely feel uncomfortable with all of this.

Hello there
I’m glad you’ve stopped by this thread and let a little of what you’re feeling out.
I can empathise with a lot of what you have shared. I felt (and still do) that I couldn’t open up to the people closest to me (my husband, immediate family) because when I tried I was met by a lack of sincerity. I’ve pretty much given up now on attempting to share with other people; but I am feeling better than I was when I started this thread.
Have you been offered or sought any other external help, other than medication? I am currently on the waiting list for CBT, and am trying to journal. I’ve also done some reading, both novels and what you may call ‘self help’ books. They’ve helped me to understand my illness, feel a little less ‘weird’, and helped me process a lot of things. I will still say ‘I’m fine’ when anyone asks, but don’t we all? Even though most of the time, that’s not the truth. It sounds like you have so much on your plate right now, being both mentally and physically unwell at the same time is tough. Really tough. You need to cut yourself some slack, and look after yourself. If you need to talk, please feel free to message here.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Hello I’ve stumbled upon this thread, and I don’t actually know what I was looking for. I feel like I had a drastic decline really bleeping quickly. I kind of feel like I was treading water and then certain things happened/ not happened and it’s been 2/3 weeks and I’m like still sat in the car everyday thinking of what the actual point is for like hours. And I legit don’t have the energy to talk about it to anyone or anyone in my circle; I kinda at the stage where I don’t want advice from anyone in my life. My partner is like an optimist and he’s got his own kids from a previous marriage and every weekend I just feel like a weird outsider; and just like I’ve got no one to depend on me for anything. The optimism my partner: it irritates the duck out of me; because I feel like he never really understands about what it feels like. And I just get angry and want to antagonise everyone. That’s the main sign; that I wish pain and tit on people that I love.
And health wise I’m not great- and I’m getting angry at every healthy person around me. Like I kinda just think what’s the bleeping point. I’ve never been good at reaching out when I needed someone, and with that I’ve isolated a lot of people. I’m on quite a lot of medication and morphine and I kind of feel myself slowly slipping into depending on it to make me feel numb; and I kind of am doing it on purpose so everyone feels uncomfortable. I feel like every opportunity I get to feel better, I kind of don’t want to feel better because I don’t see it happening. So I kind of on self sabotage mode, evidently.
I’m sorry I don’t actually know why I’m posting here right now. I don’t know, even today, I just drove to see my parents and they are asking me if I’m ok and I’m like “yep I’m fine” I genuinely feel uncomfortable with all of this.

I can identify with a lot of what you say, that all consuming feeling that life shouldn’t be the way it is.

I don’t have any advice other than to be kind to yourself.It may be easier said than done but maybe don’t see your partner’s kids every time? Have some time to do what you feel like doing

 

[Calmyourtitsdown]

I’m not sure if anyone is still around or at all interested; but to update;

Today I received a text, from my community mental health team to say I’m still on the waiting list. I was told at my initial assessment, that the wait was likely to be 4-6 weeks. Which at the time; both surprised and pleased me. But alas, that’s not been the case. I was going to chase this week, as I’m still keen to explore CBT.

It’s been 7 months, since I saw my friend. And a couple of months since our last contact. Since starting this thread, I’ve felt a little shift towards ‘acceptance’. I can’t say that there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about things or don’t miss him, but there are more good days now.

I’m a couple weeks off the year anniversary of my breakdown. I can’t believe where this year has gone. Everything seemed to change, to get even worse after this moment. I feel very sad when I look back, and often wonder how I’ve managed to still be here today.

But I continue to plod along, in the hope that better days and better things are coming.