How to forgive yourself, for your ‘behaviour’ during a mental health crisis..

[Calmyourtitsdown]

Apologies if this turns into a long one....

At the end of 2019/beginning of 2020, I acknowledged that I had taken a nose dive mentally, and had slipped back into clinical depression after 10 years + of self management.

Looking back now, I realise it was an accumulation of a tough couple of years. Becoming a mum, my daughter being very ill, and hospitalised with coeliac disease at 14 months old, job changes, redundancy, generally poor treatment from my old employer, body changes (I had bulimia as a teenager), marriage and money issues etc...

In fact, writing it down, it looks like a lot, and though I tend to pride myself on being someone who can always claw their way back. This time, for whatever reason, it’s been harder than ever.

I had learned some lessons from my past though, and was very keen to not let this current spell of depression have an effect on my job, or my relationships with people I held close to me.

I believe (touching the wood), it has had minimal effect on my work. Apart from being signed off for a couple of weeks back in the summer, when I was seriously considering ending my life. But on the whole, I’ve risen to the challenges of the past year at work, despite all this going on in my head.

Unfortunately, though, it has had an effect on my relationships. One in particular. I had a work colleague, who I also considered a friend. There was a level of feeling there, but outwardly never went beyond the odd ‘moment’, and dodging around the extra level to our relationship.
I could foresee that my illness was going to have a negative impact on that relationship. So I decided to be honest, and opened up to him about it. Initially he was great, and I’m sure cut me a lot of slack for what (on my reflection) would be seen by others as rather emotive and extreme responses from me.

It was very natural in our relationship to bicker, and to have the odd argument. It’s what we did. Though I will totally take the blame, and say in the past year the frequency and severity of our arguing increased.

In the end, we did ‘fall out’ once and for all. When I had looked for his support (as I always had done) but he wasn’t there. A very long story short, a couple of months after that big fall out, he left. We managed to get on more civil terms in the end. But not what we were.

I tried reaching out recently, for his help for a reference. He was polite and professional enough, but dodged any specific chat with regards to our ‘friendship’.
I accept this, and will leave him be, no matter how painful for me.

I know I was incredibly hard work to be around in our last year, and I did try and convey that in his birthday card and the odd message. I do struggle massively to express my feelings through spoken word. I feel very guilty, stupid, and a downright psycho for all of my behaviour now I’m coming out of the other side.

Just how do I forgive myself for it all? How do it get rid of this horrible, humiliating, sinking feeling inside?

Thank you to anyone who’s read this, I’m sorry if I’ve rambled.

 

[lisa94xo]

I think it's valuable to imagine how you would feel if your experience happened to a family member or friend, and try to project the kindness and compassion you'd show them onto yourself. It's difficult, I know - it's not easy being kind to yourself.

I'd encourage you to look into person centred counselling. If you have the time and money, I think it's an extremely useful tool to explore your own feelings and emotions, and to make peace with yourself.

Extremely cliche - but time definitely helps. You'll get there.

Take care of yourself x

 

[Eureka]

Forgiveness is a process and it can take time. I think first you need to grieve the loss of your friend and acknowledge the way his coolness has impacted you. You also need to let him go, no more messages as hard as that might be. What happened wasn’t your fault, it was the result of your illness, it’s important to remember that. I agree with Lisa that counselling might help, you’ve been through a lot but be proud of how far you have come xx

 

[curious truth seeker]

Hypnotherapy really helped me
My childhood trama had made me void of any emotions because as I now understand it my mind was protecting its self, anyway after 3 sessions of hypnotherapy and a honest desire to improve my wellbeing I am now a fully functioning emotional being
I think it was at that point that I forgave myself my childhood my childhood self and the mess that I had become because I had healed it and myself in the process
I couldn’t go on bashing myself when I had finally done something about it

And who know a simalar journey could bring your friend back to you
But that can’t be the reason to change, the change has to be from the heart for you otherwise it won’t last and it’s not honest

 

[Calmyourtitsdown]

I think it's valuable to imagine how you would feel if your experience happened to a family member or friend, and try to project the kindness and compassion you'd show them onto yourself. It's difficult, I know - it's not easy being kind to yourself.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m currently trying to

I'd encourage you to look into person centred counselling. If you have the time and money, I think it's an extremely useful tool to explore your own feelings and emotions, and to make peace with yourself.

Extremely cliche - but time definitely helps. You'll get there.

Take care of yourself x

Thank you so much for your kind words. I totally went out on a whim, by posting here. But I’m glad I did, because even typing some of it down has helped.
I’m currently trying to access some help through ‘Time to Talk’, which I think is a nationwide service. I know they specialise in CBT.
I had some talking therapy last year, through work, but I didn’t find it helpful. What would you recommend as a more person centred therapy? (If you don’t mind me asking)

I do wonder if I’ve got an underline issue as well, along the lines of BPD. I have by nature, always felt things in extremes, or not at all.

I’m keen to get to the route of it all x

Forgiveness is a process and it can take time. I think first you need to grieve the loss of your friend and acknowledge the way his coolness has impacted you. You also need to let him go, no more messages as hard as that might be. What happened wasn’t your fault, it was the result of your illness, it’s important to remember that. I agree with Lisa that counselling might help, you’ve been through a lot but be proud of how far you have come xx

Thank you You’ve made me smile, and cry!
I know I’m still going through the grieving process, with regards to that loss.

His coldness, has broken me even more. For when we said goodbye face to face, it was very much left opened ended. In fact, the last thing he said to me was; ‘see you in the next life’. A subtle sign towards that other level in our relationship.
It hurts like hell to think he’s so seamlessly moved into a life without me. Especially considering he knows what I’ve gone through and continue to do so.
(Though I can’t entirely blame him, as in the those last couple of months he would try and get me to talk, but I refused to after our fall out)
Thank you again, to be honest some months ago, I was convinced I wouldn’t be here now.

I hugely appreciate your response x

 

[RedMagnolia]

You have to treat yourself as your own best friend. Forgive yourself. You weren't well. Your behaviour wasn't intentionally hurtful. Illness caused this. Now that you are healthy again, be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up about what has happened. It's over now. Move on with your head held high. Sending you love and healing vibes.

 

[lisa94xo]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I totally went out on a whim, by posting here. But I’m glad I did, because even typing some of it down has helped.
I’m currently trying to access some help through ‘Time to Talk’, which I think is a nationwide service. I know they specialise in CBT.
I had some talking therapy last year, through work, but I didn’t find it helpful. What would you recommend as a more person centred therapy? (If you don’t mind me asking)

I do wonder if I’ve got an underline issue as well, along the lines of BPD. I have by nature, always felt things in extremes, or not at all.

I’m keen to get to the route of it all x

I'm glad writing it down's helped you a little! It can be so therapeutic just getting all your feelings out in the open.

I've not heard of Time to Talk - it sounds great! CBT can be really useful to learn coping strategies and combat unhelpful thinking styles, but it sounds to me like you want to get to the heart of things and delve a bit deeper to understand yourself a bit more? There are so many different kinds of therapy out there, which is great that there's a lot of options, but I appreciate it can be a little daunting, too.
There's a list accessible here, if you think it might be useful:

Types of counselling and psychotherapy

An A-Z list of the different approaches, modalities or ways of working within counselling and psychotherapy.

www.bacp.co.uk

You mention that the talking therapy you had before wasn't helpful to you - perhaps it was maybe the right approach, just the wrong counsellor for you?

It's great that you're so keen to learn more about yourself. Therapy is so personal and everyone is different - for some people it works wonders, for others not at all. I'd advise you to do your research, be open to trying new methods, and please don't be too disheartened if you don't find therapy helpful again - I think above all practicing self care is the most important thing. Talk to and treat yourself like you'd talk to and treat someone you love - you deserve it!

 

[Calmyourtitsdown]

Hypnotherapy really helped me
My childhood trama had made me void of any emotions because as I now understand it my mind was protecting its self, anyway after 3 sessions of hypnotherapy and a honest desire to improve my wellbeing I am now a fully functioning emotional being
I think it was at that point that I forgave myself my childhood my childhood self and the mess that I had become because I had healed it and myself in the process
I couldn’t go on bashing myself when I had finally done something about it

And who know a simalar journey could bring your friend back to you
But that can’t be the reason to change, the change has to be from the heart for you otherwise it won’t last and it’s not honest

That’s really interesting to hear. Hypnotherapy doesn’t get spoken about anywhere near enough! I honestly feel like I need my brain re-wiring.

A big part of why I’m struggling with this loss, is because I find it so hard to make real and lasting connections with others.
I truly felt it was different this time with my friend. Because it felt so easy, we just clicked. I’m so mad at myself, for messing it all up.

I myself; once I let that wall down and really care, am extremely loyal, and do go all in, not one to do things by halves.
But it also means, because I hold myself to such high standards with those I care about. That I want those standards out of them, and get easily let down and hurt, when they are not met.

 

[curious truth seeker]

That’s really interesting to hear. Hypnotherapy doesn’t get spoken about anywhere near enough! I honestly feel like I need my brain re-wiring.

A big part of why I’m struggling with this loss, is because I find it so hard to make real and lasting connections with others.
I truly felt it was different this time with my friend. Because it felt so easy, we just clicked. I’m so mad at myself, for messing it all up.

I myself; once I let that wall down and really care, am extremely loyal, and do go all in, not one to do things by halves.
But it also means, because I hold myself to such high standards with those I care about. That I want those standards out of them, and get easily let down and hurt, when they are not met.

sounds very like me
I was able to have friendships etc but they where strange and I would be overly attached very quickly and then I was always be doing appeasement behaviour, gifts, going out of my way to help and expecting the same back even though it’s not normal to expect because it’s not normal behaviour
It’s difficult to put into words on a screen I apologise but I do think hypnotherapy would help as does the internet it was along journey for me
First finding out I had social anxiety
Then ptsd
Then I was a sociopath (not the news you want)
But all of this was part of a journey Iam very proud of and I would always now encourage others to look into themselves to as not only is it rewarded but you come out the other side happier and enjoying your own self

 

[Kim Mild]

Looking at it another way, your friend may have issues of their own which is causing their behaviour towards you.

Take care of yourself. The end of a friendship can be as much of a life event as the end of a relationship, and all the feelings of that come with it.

Don't dwell on your past behaviour. Sometimes friends do see sides of us we'd rather forget

 

[Calmyourtitsdown]

You have to treat yourself as your own best friend. Forgive yourself. You weren't well. Your behaviour wasn't intentionally hurtful. Illness caused this. Now that you are healthy again, be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up about what has happened. It's over now. Move on with your head held high. Sending you love and healing vibes.

Thank you
I’m trying to, I just feel very guilty and embarrassed by my behaviour

I'm glad writing it down's helped you a little! It can be so therapeutic just getting all your feelings out in the open.

I've not heard of Time to Talk - it sounds great! CBT can be really useful to learn coping strategies and combat unhelpful thinking styles, but it sounds to me like you want to get to the heart of things and delve a bit deeper to understand yourself a bit more? There are so many different kinds of therapy out there, which is great that there's a lot of options, but I appreciate it can be a little daunting, too.
There's a list accessible here, if you think it might be useful:

Types of counselling and psychotherapy

An A-Z list of the different approaches, modalities or ways of working within counselling and psychotherapy.

www.bacp.co.uk

You mention that the talking therapy you had before wasn't helpful to you - perhaps it was maybe the right approach, just the wrong counsellor for you?

It's great that you're so keen to learn more about yourself. Therapy is so personal and everyone is different - for some people it works wonders, for others not at all. I'd advise you to do your research, be open to trying new methods, and please don't be too disheartened if you don't find therapy helpful again - I think above all practicing self care is the most important thing. Talk to and treat yourself like you'd talk to and treat someone you love - you deserve it!

Thank you for list, I will do more research for sure. I had an initial assessment with Time to Talk, and expressed my wishes to look into a ‘proper’ diagnosis. Not sure whether they will help me with this.

Thank you so much for your help, and understanding x

sounds very like me
I was able to have friendships etc but they where strange and I would be overly attached very quickly and then I was always be doing appeasement behaviour, gifts, going out of my way to help and expecting the same back even though it’s not normal to expect because it’s not normal behaviour
It’s difficult to put into words on a screen I apologise but I do think hypnotherapy would help as does the internet it was along journey for me
First finding out I had social anxiety
Then ptsd
Then I was a sociopath (not the news you want)
But all of this was part of a journey Iam very proud of and I would always now encourage others to look into themselves to as not only is it rewarded but you come out the other side happier and enjoying your own self

I do really relate to what you’ve said in regards to attachment. I understand, a lot of this is to do with the lack of meaningful attachments with my immediate family (do not have a great relationship with my dad, mum or sister). I was always the ‘odd one out’, the black sheep of the family. I’ve never been to standard, never good enough. And that’s how I’m feeling now.

I do know I have social anxiety, it was in fact a panic attack on a Christmas night out with work which made me realise, I wasn’t well again. How did you go about ptsd and the sociopath diagnosis?

Thank you for the Hypnotherapy suggestion, it something I will look into for sure.

 

[Calmyourtitsdown]

Looking at it another way, your friend may have issues of their own which is causing their behaviour towards you.

Take care of yourself. The end of a friendship can be as much of a life event as the end of a relationship, and all the feelings of that come with it.

Don't dwell on your past behaviour. Sometimes friends do see sides of us we'd rather forget

I agree, there were a lot of things I let him off for too...! And there were some things he said and did, that I didn’t agree with. Truth is, I will never know.

Thank you for your reply. I’m going to do all I can to look after myself and work on the things I want and need to change.

 

[Eureka]

Thank you You’ve made me smile, and cry!
I know I’m still going through the grieving process, with regards to that loss.

His coldness, has broken me even more. For when we said goodbye face to face, it was very much left opened ended. In fact, the last thing he said to me was; ‘see you in the next life’. A subtle sign towards that other level in our relationship.
It hurts like hell to think he’s so seamlessly moved into a life without me. Especially considering he knows what I’ve gone through and continue to do so.
(Though I can’t entirely blame him, as in the those last couple of months he would try and get me to talk, but I refused to after our fall out)
Thank you again, to be honest some months ago, I was convinced I wouldn’t be here now.

I hugely appreciate your response x

Oh I didn't mean to make you cry hope you're ok xx I went through something similar with a friend years ago. I acted pretty badly and the friendship suffered, we're see each other from time to time but we're not as close as we were and probably never will be and that is something it took me a long time to come to terms with. I mentally beat myself up about it for ages but I realise now I had to go through that bad stuff to get to the person I am on the other side and unfortunately, there are often casualties with that kind of change. But I wouldn't change it because that would mean I'm not who I am now if that makes sense

There will be other people who will come into your life and fill that gap your friend has left, people who will understand you and love you, enrich you and grow with you and hopefully you'll reach a point where you can look back on your work friend without feeling sad or guilty. You won't always feel like this.

 

[Clairer86]

Apologies if this turns into a long one....

At the end of 2019/beginning of 2020, I acknowledged that I had taken a nose dive mentally, and had slipped back into clinical depression after 10 years + of self management.

Looking back now, I realise it was an accumulation of a tough couple of years. Becoming a mum, my daughter being very ill, and hospitalised with coeliac disease at 14 months old, job changes, redundancy, generally poor treatment from my old employer, body changes (I had bulimia as a teenager), marriage and money issues etc...

In fact, writing it down, it looks like a lot, and though I tend to pride myself on being someone who can always claw their way back. This time, for whatever reason, it’s been harder than ever.

I had learned some lessons from my past though, and was very keen to not let this current spell of depression have an effect on my job, or my relationships with people I held close to me.

I believe (touching the wood), it has had minimal effect on my work. Apart from being signed off for a couple of weeks back in the summer, when I was seriously considering ending my life. But on the whole, I’ve risen to the challenges of the past year at work, despite all this going on in my head.

Unfortunately, though, it has had an effect on my relationships. One in particular. I had a work colleague, who I also considered a friend. There was a level of feeling there, but outwardly never went beyond the odd ‘moment’, and dodging around the extra level to our relationship.
I could foresee that my illness was going to have a negative impact on that relationship. So I decided to be honest, and opened up to him about it. Initially he was great, and I’m sure cut me a lot of slack for what (on my reflection) would be seen by others as rather emotive and extreme responses from me.

It was very natural in our relationship to bicker, and to have the odd argument. It’s what we did. Though I will totally take the blame, and say in the past year the frequency and severity of our arguing increased.

In the end, we did ‘fall out’ once and for all. When I had looked for his support (as I always had done) but he wasn’t there. A very long story short, a couple of months after that big fall out, he left. We managed to get on more civil terms in the end. But not what we were.

I tried reaching out recently, for his help for a reference. He was polite and professional enough, but dodged any specific chat with regards to our ‘friendship’.
I accept this, and will leave him be, no matter how painful for me.

I know I was incredibly hard work to be around in our last year, and I did try and convey that in his birthday card and the odd message. I do struggle massively to express my feelings through spoken word. I feel very guilty, stupid, and a downright psycho for all of my behaviour now I’m coming out of the other side.

Just how do I forgive myself for it all? How do it get rid of this horrible, humiliating, sinking feeling inside?

Thank you to anyone who’s read this, I’m sorry if I’ve rambled.

Oh my goodness, this sounds like exactly the same thing i went through in 2020.

My own experience is something very very similar, i attempted suicide twice and was sectioned, and i have diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar 2, Body dysmorphia, OCD, etc etc. I wont tell you all the details about me and my experience because its your post and i dont want to 'take over'. (I hope that makes sense).

Please dont beat yourself up, it sounds like your friend wasnt as innocent in your arguments. Therefore you should not place the blame on yourself. Do you want to remain friends with this person? Because tbh it doesnt sound like a particularly healthy friendship. However, i was in a similar situation to you but i cut him out of my life completely following my second suicide attempt and honestly it was the best thing i ever did! It made me understand that he exploited me and mentally abused me. It was tough because he was my 'favourite person'- a term that us with BPD often get with someone.

You are very good at reflecting and that is a wonderful skill to have. Are you with your local mental health team? because they might have some ideas for you such as CBT, DBT, etc etc.

I didnt want to read and run, especially when your story sounds exactly the same as my own experience.

 

[Calmyourtitsdown]

Oh my goodness, this sounds like exactly the same thing i went through in 2020.

My own experience is something very very similar, i attempted suicide twice and was sectioned, and i have diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar 2, Body dysmorphia, OCD, etc etc. I wont tell you all the details about me and my experience because its your post and i dont want to 'take over'. (I hope that makes sense).

Please dont beat yourself up, it sounds like your friend wasnt as innocent in your arguments. Therefore you should not place the blame on yourself. Do you want to remain friends with this person? Because tbh it doesnt sound like a particularly healthy friendship. However, i was in a similar situation to you but i cut him out of my life completely following my second suicide attempt and honestly it was the best thing i ever did! It made me understand that he exploited me and mentally abused me. It was tough because he was my 'favourite person'- a term that us with BPD often get with someone.

You are very good at reflecting and that is a wonderful skill to have. Are you with your local mental health team? because they might have some ideas for you such as CBT, DBT, etc etc.

I didnt want to read and run, especially when your story sounds exactly the same as my own experience.

Goodness, we do sound similar!! Thank you for sharing your story, so helpful to hear (makes me feel a little less like a psycho!)
I am pretty much convinced I have BPD, have also wondered if Bipolar is a possibility too (my Nan has it, and I’ve heard it hereditary)
I also know, that as a result of bulimia, that I have body dysmorphia. I believe an illness like that never really leaves you. And although I know my brain could never work as it did back then, my relationship with food is much more healthier; it’s still there.

With regards to my relationship with my friend; he definitely wasn’t entirely innocent when it came to all our fall outs. He knew me well enough, to know what of his actions would provoke a negative reaction from me. He could never give me the full friendship I wanted, but also could never fully ‘let me go’. I’ve never in all my life, met anyone so desperate for my attention. His actions very often than not, did not match his words, and vice versa. It messed with my head, like you wouldn’t believe. No matter how hard I tried to not let it bother me. As you say; he was (and still unfortunately) my ‘favourite person’.
We were so close, like best friends, brother and sister, boyfriend and girlfriend (many times he referred to dealing with me as like having a girlfriend, without the benefits )
But in the background, was the other level to our relationship. I know my feelings for him are not platonic, and (though my mind goes back and forth with this) I thought that his feelings for me were not strictly platonic.
That alone, as much as I tried to not let it be an issue. Is an issue. And reason enough to not be friends.

Thank you, I try to be. I’m in the process of trying to access my local community team. Though, they’re quite hard to get hold and the psychotherapist I’ve spoken to so far, I wasn’t keen on. I know they specialise in CBT.

Again thank you for sharing your experience

 

[Youre a wizard Harry]

Please be kind to yourself and understand that your illness caused this, you didn’t do it intentionally. I have anxiety and depression, I’m in a good period at the moment but there are things I look back on that I did when I wasn’t in a good place that I feel bad about. Although my situation is different, I do understand how it feels to have that horrible feeling about things you’ve done that you just want to forget. It takes a long time to accept it. It sounds like he wasn’t exactly innocent in this either.

I think a lot of people underestimate the loss of a friend, a former best friend cut me out of her life for no fault of my own (before I was ill) and although I wasn’t outwardly upset, I was and it felt strange for a long time. Especially when you’re left with unanswered questions. Time does heal things like this.

You have mentioned you’ve tried to write things in birthday cards to him. You could write him a letter but don’t send to him, get all of your words out and write what you want to say but without actually sending it. I have done this before with an ex boyfriend and it helped a bit, like I’d let a little bit that I was hanging onto go.

Take care of yourself

 

[curious truth seeker]

Thank you
I’m trying to, I just feel very guilty and embarrassed by my behaviour



Thank you for list, I will do more research for sure. I had an initial assessment with Time to Talk, and expressed my wishes to look into a ‘proper’ diagnosis. Not sure whether they will help me with this.

Thank you so much for your help, and understanding x



I do really relate to what you’ve said in regards to attachment. I understand, a lot of this is to do with the lack of meaningful attachments with my immediate family (do not have a great relationship with my dad, mum or sister). I was always the ‘odd one out’, the black sheep of the family. I’ve never been to standard, never good enough. And that’s how I’m feeling now.

I do know I have social anxiety, it was in fact a panic attack on a Christmas night out with work which made me realise, I wasn’t well again. How did you go about ptsd and the sociopath diagnosis?

Thank you for the Hypnotherapy suggestion, it something I will look into for sure.

by over a number of years going to professionals and talking things through each time something was diagnosed and sorting through it, it wasn’t a quick fix

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Apologies if this turns into a long one....

At the end of 2019/beginning of 2020, I acknowledged that I had taken a nose dive mentally, and had slipped back into clinical depression after 10 years + of self management.

Looking back now, I realise it was an accumulation of a tough couple of years. Becoming a mum, my daughter being very ill, and hospitalised with coeliac disease at 14 months old, job changes, redundancy, generally poor treatment from my old employer, body changes (I had bulimia as a teenager), marriage and money issues etc...

In fact, writing it down, it looks like a lot, and though I tend to pride myself on being someone who can always claw their way back. This time, for whatever reason, it’s been harder than ever.

I had learned some lessons from my past though, and was very keen to not let this current spell of depression have an effect on my job, or my relationships with people I held close to me.

I believe (touching the wood), it has had minimal effect on my work. Apart from being signed off for a couple of weeks back in the summer, when I was seriously considering ending my life. But on the whole, I’ve risen to the challenges of the past year at work, despite all this going on in my head.

Unfortunately, though, it has had an effect on my relationships. One in particular. I had a work colleague, who I also considered a friend. There was a level of feeling there, but outwardly never went beyond the odd ‘moment’, and dodging around the extra level to our relationship.
I could foresee that my illness was going to have a negative impact on that relationship. So I decided to be honest, and opened up to him about it. Initially he was great, and I’m sure cut me a lot of slack for what (on my reflection) would be seen by others as rather emotive and extreme responses from me.

It was very natural in our relationship to bicker, and to have the odd argument. It’s what we did. Though I will totally take the blame, and say in the past year the frequency and severity of our arguing increased.

In the end, we did ‘fall out’ once and for all. When I had looked for his support (as I always had done) but he wasn’t there. A very long story short, a couple of months after that big fall out, he left. We managed to get on more civil terms in the end. But not what we were.

I tried reaching out recently, for his help for a reference. He was polite and professional enough, but dodged any specific chat with regards to our ‘friendship’.
I accept this, and will leave him be, no matter how painful for me.

I know I was incredibly hard work to be around in our last year, and I did try and convey that in his birthday card and the odd message. I do struggle massively to express my feelings through spoken word. I feel very guilty, stupid, and a downright psycho for all of my behaviour now I’m coming out of the other side.

Just how do I forgive myself for it all? How do it get rid of this horrible, humiliating, sinking feeling inside?

Thank you to anyone who’s read this, I’m sorry if I’ve rambled.

Sincere congratulations (if that’s the right word? “Well done” didn’t look right when I typed it. Hope you know what I mean) on keeping yourself well for so long and that has seen you in good stead this time and in the future too.

Going by what you said, one thing I would urge you do/keep doing is make sure you’re not taking on any blame or negative feelings for what he might have done too. That feeling of dread when you recall it, I think, can sometimes cause us to blame ourselves if we’re that way inclined.

It’a a shame he can’t see a way of resuming your friendship at the moment. It’s not an easy thing for someone we care about to go into that period but who knows what might happen. You have dealt with so much and you owe it to yourself to move on - I don’t want to say to forgive yourself because for what? It sounds like the episode was out with your control. If it was me, I think I would wait and see if he gets back in touch with you.

Your daughter has one tough mama! Lots of love

 

[Calmyourtitsdown]

Oh I didn't mean to make you cry hope you're ok xx I went through something similar with a friend years ago. I acted pretty badly and the friendship suffered, we're see each other from time to time but we're not as close as we were and probably never will be and that is something it took me a long time to come to terms with. I mentally beat myself up about it for ages but I realise now I had to go through that bad stuff to get to the person I am on the other side and unfortunately, there are often casualties with that kind of change. But I wouldn't change it because that would mean I'm not who I am now if that makes sense

There will be other people who will come into your life and fill that gap your friend has left, people who will understand you and love you, enrich you and grow with you and hopefully you'll reach a point where you can look back on your work friend without feeling sad or guilty. You won't always feel like this.

Don’t worry! I know you didn’t I think it was seeing what I know in my head (but not quite my heart), written down in black and white. The response I’ve had on this thread has been so helpful, I really didn’t expect to get such kind and understanding replies such as yours. Thank you

Please be kind to yourself and understand that your illness caused this, you didn’t do it intentionally. I have anxiety and depression, I’m in a good period at the moment but there are things I look back on that I did when I wasn’t in a good place that I feel bad about. Although my situation is different, I do understand how it feels to have that horrible feeling about things you’ve done that you just want to forget. It takes a long time to accept it. It sounds like he wasn’t exactly innocent in this either.

I think a lot of people underestimate the loss of a friend, a former best friend cut me out of her life for no fault of my own (before I was ill) and although I wasn’t outwardly upset, I was and it felt strange for a long time. Especially when you’re left with unanswered questions. Time does heal things like this.

You have mentioned you’ve tried to write things in birthday cards to him. You could write him a letter but don’t send to him, get all of your words out and write what you want to say but without actually sending it. I have done this before with an ex boyfriend and it helped a bit, like I’d let a little bit that I was hanging onto go.

Take care of yourself

No you’re right, he was far from innocent. I just hope he realises that my negative behaviour towards him, wasn’t out of spite or to be purposely ‘aggy’ (as he used to say) but out of my illness and because I held him in such high regard. Weirdly, because I felt so close to him, he got the ‘unfiltered’ version of me.
But he probably thinks I was an absolute pain in the arse, psycho. The combination of being ill, and having such strong feelings for him (both positive and negative) ultimately led me to pushing him away, and him me

I think the writing it down would be a good idea. To get it out, as you say. I said in my head a thousand times what I’ve wanted to say.
Thank you for your lovely reply and advice.

Sincere congratulations (if that’s the right word? “Well done” didn’t look right when I typed it. Hope you know what I mean) on keeping yourself well for so long and that has seen you in good stead this time and in the future too.

Going by what you said, one thing I would urge you do/keep doing is make sure you’re not taking on any blame or negative feelings for what he might have done too. That feeling of dread when you recall it, I think, can sometimes cause us to blame ourselves if we’re that way inclined.

It’a a shame he can’t see a way of resuming your friendship at the moment. It’s not an easy thing for someone we care about to go into that period but who knows what might happen. You have dealt with so much and you owe it to yourself to move on - I don’t want to say to forgive yourself because for what? It sounds like the episode was out with your control. If it was me, I think I would wait and see if he gets back in touch with you.

Your daughter has one tough mama! Lots of love

You are far, far too kind! This has brought tears to my eyes. I know I’ve gone through a hell of a lot in my life, and as a result I’m pretty messed up. But my biggest motivation to change and to still be here, is my daughter.
I don’t want her turning out like me for start!

Since starting this post, and opening up I’ve definitely felt a little less fragile. I think (and hope) I’m getting towards acceptance. I’ve felt I little bit of a shift the past couple of days, where my mind hasn’t kept going back to that ‘dread’ as frequently. I feel for the moment; calmer.

It’s so sad We were so good together, good for each other. I have so many memories of pure happiness with him. I’m one of those losers that believes in fate. When I met him, and started this job, after the hell I’d gone through at my previous employer. It all made sense. Because I wasn’t meant to be there with those people. I was meant to be where I am now. (Work’s sorted, just need to sort the rest of my life out!)
He did cause me a lot of pain though, that in the end he never wanted to apologise for or acknowledge. I was wrong, he was right. (In his eyes).
I would like to think this isn’t it. That our paths will cross again. But I will leave that for fate to decide, and do all I can to move on in the meantime.
Thank you again!

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Don’t worry! I know you didn’t I think it was seeing what I know in my head (but not quite my heart), written down in black and white. The response I’ve had on this thread has been so helpful, I really didn’t expect to get such kind and understanding replies such as yours. Thank you



No you’re right, he was far from innocent. I just hope he realises that my negative behaviour towards him, wasn’t out of spite or to be purposely ‘aggy’ (as he used to say) but out of my illness and because I held him in such high regard. Weirdly, because I felt so close to him, he got the ‘unfiltered’ version of me.
But he probably thinks I was an absolute pain in the arse, psycho. The combination of being ill, and having such strong feelings for him (both positive and negative) ultimately led me to pushing him away, and him me

I think the writing it down would be a good idea. To get it out, as you say. I said in my head a thousand times what I’ve wanted to say.
Thank you for your lovely reply and advice.



You are far, far too kind! This has brought tears to my eyes. I know I’ve gone through a hell of a lot in my life, and as a result I’m pretty messed up. But my biggest motivation to change and to still be here, is my daughter.
I don’t want her turning out like me for start!

Since starting this post, and opening up I’ve definitely felt a little less fragile. I think (and hope) I’m getting towards acceptance. I’ve felt I little bit of a shift the past couple of days, where my mind hasn’t kept going back to that ‘dread’ as frequently. I feel for the moment; calmer.

It’s so sad We were so good together, good for each other. I have so many memories of pure happiness with him. I’m one of those losers that believes in fate. When I met him, and started this job, after the hell I’d gone through at my previous employer. It all made sense. Because I wasn’t meant to be there with those people. I was meant to be where I am now. (Work’s sorted, just need to sort the rest of my life out!)
He did cause me a lot of pain though, that in the end he never wanted to apologise for or acknowledge. I was wrong, he was right. (In his eyes).
I would like to think this isn’t it. That our paths will cross again. But I will leave that for fate to decide, and do all I can to move on in the meantime.
Thank you again!

Well you’re not alone lovely because life has royally messed me up too. I had real problems with drinking and joined AA and still work the programme - stick with me, I’m not thinking at all you have any sort of substance issues - but one of the key things that still resonates with me is “you only pay your gas bill once”...a huge part of the programme is to make amends to those you’ve harmed but don’t keep doing saying you’re sorry. And only take on board and rectify you’re part in something - I would blame myself for everything and carry other people’s guilt and shame on top of my own.

Who knows what the future will bring? I firmly believe in “what’s meant for you won’t pass you by”. And in the meantime, please try to be kinder to yourself. This too shall pass