How to be happy single?

[Scorpihoe]

I have no advice, but just want to tell you you’re not alone.

I haven’t been single since I was 15 (I’m now 23). I sound so pathetic, but I need to be in a relationship. I don’t feel myself if I don’t have anyone. This is so dangerous and has made me stay in relationships way way longer than I should have, if I’m being treated like tit.. I’ve been with my current bf for nearly 4 years, and he’s the best boyfriend I’ve had so far. But I can’t even remember what it’s like to be single. I wouldn’t know how to act. I’m aware of how sad I sound right now!

I could never leave a relationship, without jumping straight back into the dating pool, because the truth is, I find it impossible to be alone. I love doing things by myself, I’m a total introvert. I love watching movies and being alone. But emotionally alone? With no one to talk to? It’s impossible for me... even though I have so many close friends. I need a romantic partner

when I was younger, I wouldn’t leave a relationship unless I had a “backup” secured. I know that sounds awful, but I’m fundamentally terrified of being alone. I’m sure I have some sort of psychological issues and need to see a therapist about this

sorry I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear I have no advice I just needed to get this off my chest. I know how you feel and I’m trying to work on it

 

[Glamourelle]

I have no advice, but just want to tell you you’re not alone.

I haven’t been single since I was 15 (I’m now 23). I sound so pathetic, but I need to be in a relationship. I don’t feel myself if I don’t have anyone. This is so dangerous and has made me stay in relationships way way longer than I should have, if I’m being treated like tit.. I’ve been with my current bf for nearly 4 years, and he’s the best boyfriend I’ve had so far. But I can’t even remember what it’s like to be single. I wouldn’t know how to act. I’m aware of how sad I sound right now!

I could never leave a relationship, without jumping straight back into the dating pool, because the truth is, I find it impossible to be alone. I love doing things by myself, I’m a total introvert. I love watching movies and being alone. But emotionally alone? With no one to talk to? It’s impossible for me... even though I have so many close friends. I need a romantic partner

when I was younger, I wouldn’t leave a relationship unless I had a “backup” secured. I know that sounds awful, but I’m fundamentally terrified of being alone. I’m sure I have some sort of psychological issues and need to see a therapist about this

sorry I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear I have no advice I just needed to get this off my chest. I know how you feel and I’m trying to work on it

You might think you aren’t giving advice but reading your post was honestly so refreshing I think it takes a lot to admit that you aren’t afraid of being alone- and like you I’ve stayed in relationships longer than I should have because the thought of being by myself, and perhaps the change from what I was used to, was too scary!
I’m so happy you’re in a loving relationship now and trying to work on what’s in your head. Our brains are fickle things! X

 

[CherryAcid]

I've been single for almost 8 years which sometimes embarrasses me but I have been treated very badly by men so after that relationship I told myself that I would just focus on bettering myself and doing things I want to do.. I dont NEED a man but it would be a bonus if i met someone. They have to compliment my life not complete it.
Since I have been single I have solo travelled several times and just gotten the travl bug big time really. They are like my little adventures. I have met some great people, one of my closest friends is male(purely platonic) so we often meet up in london or have holidays.
Dont get me wrong, I would love to find someone special but I just dont see why I should settle for just anyone just so I'm not single. I have seen so mnay ppl settle and their relationships have been so unhealthy that I know I would rather be on my own that have to deal with that rubbish.

 

[Renata]

I've been single for almost 8 years which sometimes embarrasses me but I have been treated very badly by men so after that relationship I told myself that I would just focus on bettering myself and doing things I want to do.. I dont NEED a man but it would be a bonus if i met someone. They have to compliment my life not complete it.

Why are you embarrassed ?

Since I started to accept my single ness and became super confident, the quality of men I have met has increased tenfold.

They are better quality - but still not right.

I refuse to compromise and that’s why they are more interested in me. They aren’t used to indifference.

It’s empowering

 

[CherryAcid]

Why are you embarrassed ?

Since I started to accept my single ness and became super confident, the quality of men I have met has increased tenfold.

They are better quality - but still not right.

I refuse to compromise and that’s why they are more interested in me. They aren’t used to indifference.

It’s empowering

The embarassment more comes from my low self esteem, the mjaority of the time I'm very,very happy being single but every now and then I feel like i SHOULD have met someone and the problem is me. Its more people's perceptions of me that embarasses me as usually they are shocked im single which makes me wonder.

 

[Booington]

I’ve done it the other way around really in that I was single (but dating) for a long time before I met my now husband but the things I miss are;

only clearing up my own mess
waking up when I want to and being able to read in bed when I want
putting things where I want them to be-nail polishes in the fridge for example
having feminine decor-scarves and stuff like that draped about
eating healthy by not buying in the stuff my husband wants, so no temptation.
eating just toast instead of a proper meal if I want.
watching chick flicks without the commentary
flirting with men
no snoring


i know these are minor things that I can still do but you get my drift? I think the key is to make your life the exact way you want it.

The embarassment more comes from my low self esteem, the mjaority of the time I'm very,very happy being single but every now and then I feel like i SHOULD have met someone and the problem is me. Its more people's perceptions of me that embarasses me as usually they are shocked im single which makes me wonder.

I get that, I used to feel like that too, as though you have to explain it like it’s a defect somehow!

 

[LaurieLaurie]

You just adjust and get used to it then you realise you are happy if your own company imo

 

[Clementine]

Yup to all the above. The absolute peace I feel about accepting that I’m single is worth everything. The energy I’ve wasted on men who, with retrospect, were really not worth it.

Acceptance is the key. We shouldn’t be reduced to just our relationship status, we are so much more than that.

 

[under the ivy]

I’ve been single since April (dumped during lockdown by partner of 4 years). Won’t go into detail here but it was a terrible shock causing me a lot of hurt. It still does but not as much. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my ex.

However, in a weird way, the lockdowns have helped me realise how important is it to look after myself. I was scared of being single - I had spent most of my 20s in a relationship. I’m 28 in 3 weeks and the thought of being alone as I’m getting to my 30s is intimidating but I’m just going with the flow. I really want to focus on my PhD, saving for a house/flat (moved back home after the break-up) and just generally focusing on myself!

Some things what help me be happy as a singleton are;
- Realising my freedom and not having to think about someone else e.g I can’t watch that on TV tonight as my Bf/GF doesn’t like it... oh wait yes I can!
- Loads of time to myself to do what I want (albeit not in lockdown/tiers)
- Spend more time with family / friends
- Take regular breaks from my phone/social media - this time of year is a massive trigger for my mental health and being away from social media helps me a lot
- Don’t stalk your ex(s)

Sorry for the waffle but being single is something I’ve really had to adjust to this year. I’m looking forward to the future however, away from men/dating, for the foreseeable. I just can’t be bothered!

Happy Christmas

 

[LucilleBluth]

I agree with pretty much all of the advice here. I love my own company and I too have wasted time in the wrong relationships, so I can totally see myself getting to a point of preferring being single to being in a less than great relationship.

However, being totally honest, the main thing I massively struggle with is the lack of physical affection and sex. Physical touch and quality time are my love languages. So that’s my stumbling block. It’s the one thing you can’t really give to yourself. And I don’t want to just become asexual! I don’t really know if there’s an answer to this one but I’d love to hear it if there is! In non covid times it’s easier to have regular sex even without a relationship, but right now it’s basically impossible

 

[petitspois]

I think being single is a huge privilege and blessing.

Some of the men I have met are a mixture of narcissistic, mummy’s boys, bordering on abusers - and many cheat very easily.

So yes - I love being single if that’s the options available.

There are loads of serial daters that go home to a family. Loads. Don’t be fooled.

Merry Christmas

I agree with this completely. I love being single and really safeguard my space. Men often disappoint on so many levels. Finding one who isn’t a liar, abusive or a lazy toad is hard enough but trying to find one that doesn’t bore you to death about their strava is gold dust.

I get on really well with my ex, we parent together and I love it with just me and my kids.

 

[Renata]

I feel like men have lost their manners towards women.

They don’t seem to want a relationship (despite pretending they do). They want to date multiple women on a budget and keep you on the sidelines for when their faults are pointed out.

Also, they often treat the woman like a man (no romance). It was when I realised all this and saw the signs I improved my dating situation.

I’m wondering if all the women who are in relationships/married accepted these men to avoid being single?

 

[birdiefly246]

24 never been in a relationship. I've "talked" if that makes sense but never been in an official relationship. I don't really use dating apps, I have done but don't now

Brutal honesty, I have really high standards. I know what I want in relationship and what I will not put up with. My opinion has always been I've got my own stuff going on (I work and am in the middle of a degree, I have a lot of hobbies that I love, have really brilliant friends) so I don't have time to be messed around or to be with someone who's half arsed. I'm also really independent and confident so I don't really need the validation if that makes sense. Sometimes I do get insecure about it but then I think it'll happen when it happens and it'll be right when it does.

I would say,
-fill your time with things you want to do and focus on that. Pick up a hobby that you've always wanted to do. The idea for me is to have such a full life with my own content-ness (don't think that's a word but we're going with it) that anyone who comes in and out of your life is a bonus (friends, family and relationships!)

-use the time to figure out what you want and like out of life. What do you want, where do you want to go with life etc, so that when someone comes along you're not swayed by whatever they want cause you know yourself. (I have so many friends who just want things cause it's what their boyfriend wants.)

-Learn to be happy alone. There's something really comforting about liking your own company. I do pretty much everything alone, cinema, holiday, site seeing, restaurants (that one took me awhile but I hate restaurants with people as well ), literally moved to a whole other country alone, and yeah sometimes I think I'd be nice to have someone to do those things with but then I think I'd have to focus on what they want. I don't mind compromise but sometimes it's nice to just go and leave when you want, eat what you want, make your own decisions...

- Single doesn't mean undesired. The stigma surrounding being a single woman is just so sad. I think society deems single woman as unwanted and that's why so many women jump from relationship to relationship and need a 'back up' before they leave one (I know so many women like this). They need the validation that comes with being in a relationship even if that relationship isn't a good one.

I also think a lot of society focusses so much on relationships, think about it, if you're single you're asked if you've found someone, if you're with someone you're asked about them constantly, if you're engaged you're asked when are you getting married and so on and on.
Engagement, pregnancy and marriage the things women seem to get praised for the most. It's never degrees, marathons. (side note: this is why I get irrationally angry when men propose to women when they've just run marathons or had promotions etc. pisses me right off!)

I will leave you with something my 87 year old Nanna always tells me "you focus on what YOU want to do and what YOU want to be and anyone who is meant to be in your life will be and they'll be damn lucky to have you. If you spend your time focussing on being what other people want you're robbing the world of the opportunity of having you as you in it."

 

[Fizzwhizz2020]

I found myself single after a long term relationship ended badly and I was single for over 4 years. 2 years of dating in and off but never really clicked with anyone. Then I thought sod it, I’m going to enjoy my single time as it’s won’t be forever. I took myself on holiday to far flung places, volunteered whilst out there, met loads of new people, and did whatever pleased me and just enjoyed it. I worked on all the things I wanted to do. Sometimes it got a little boring, but rarely. It was nice not having anyone else to please. Then went on a dating app, went on one date and Yeats later we’re still together. But the time I had to be single gave me confidence in myself, and cheesy as it sounds I started to live myself. I had that time to work out exactly what I wanted and make myself happy. I was happy as I was and then someone came along and added to it. I hope that makes sense. But just enjoy it and concentrate on you x

 

[Glamourelle]

I've been single for almost 8 years which sometimes embarrasses me but I have been treated very badly by men so after that relationship I told myself that I would just focus on bettering myself and doing things I want to do.. I dont NEED a man but it would be a bonus if i met someone. They have to compliment my life not complete it.
Since I have been single I have solo travelled several times and just gotten the travl bug big time really. They are like my little adventures. I have met some great people, one of my closest friends is male(purely platonic) so we often meet up in london or have holidays.
Dont get me wrong, I would love to find someone special but I just dont see why I should settle for just anyone just so I'm not single. I have seen so mnay ppl settle and their relationships have been so unhealthy that I know I would rather be on my own that have to deal with that rubbish.

“They have to compliment my life not complete it”. I feel like I need this stuck to my forehead, that’s such a good outlook to have! And you are right- I think it’s very easy to look at other people in relationships with a finger of jealousy, however a lot of the time it’s not all positive and some couples are unhappy but choose to stay because it’s “easier” x

Yup to all the above. The absolute peace I feel about accepting that I’m single is worth everything. The energy I’ve wasted on men who, with retrospect, were really not worth it.

Acceptance is the key. We shouldn’t be reduced to just our relationship status, we are so much more than that.

So true. I have to remember I bring more to the table than whether I’m dating or not. Thanks so much x

I’ve been single since April (dumped during lockdown by partner of 4 years). Won’t go into detail here but it was a terrible shock causing me a lot of hurt. It still does but not as much. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my ex.

However, in a weird way, the lockdowns have helped me realise how important is it to look after myself. I was scared of being single - I had spent most of my 20s in a relationship. I’m 28 in 3 weeks and the thought of being alone as I’m getting to my 30s is intimidating but I’m just going with the flow. I really want to focus on my PhD, saving for a house/flat (moved back home after the break-up) and just generally focusing on myself!

Some things what help me be happy as a singleton are;
- Realising my freedom and not having to think about someone else e.g I can’t watch that on TV tonight as my Bf/GF doesn’t like it... oh wait yes I can!
- Loads of time to myself to do what I want (albeit not in lockdown/tiers)
- Spend more time with family / friends
- Take regular breaks from my phone/social media - this time of year is a massive trigger for my mental health and being away from social media helps me a lot
- Don’t stalk your ex(s)

Sorry for the waffle but being single is something I’ve really had to adjust to this year. I’m looking forward to the future however, away from men/dating, for the foreseeable. I just can’t be bothered!

Happy Christmas

Ah I’m so sorry about what happened in April. Sending you huge hugs! I’ve been in that situation, albeit a few years ago but I know how you are feeling- as cliche as it sounds time really does make things better and you will get there. It sounds like you have so many things to look forward to as well and I really hope 2021 is your year. Love your advice, I think someone else mentioned the social media thing and I 100% with you both. Plus I know if I’m on there I’ll be prone to stalking exes! X

24 never been in a relationship. I've "talked" if that makes sense but never been in an official relationship. I don't really use dating apps, I have done but don't now

Brutal honesty, I have really high standards. I know what I want in relationship and what I will not put up with. My opinion has always been I've got my own stuff going on (I work and am in the middle of a degree, I have a lot of hobbies that I love, have really brilliant friends) so I don't have time to be messed around or to be with someone who's half arsed. I'm also really independent and confident so I don't really need the validation if that makes sense. Sometimes I do get insecure about it but then I think it'll happen when it happens and it'll be right when it does.

I would say,
-fill your time with things you want to do and focus on that. Pick up a hobby that you've always wanted to do. The idea for me is to have such a full life with my own content-ness (don't think that's a word but we're going with it) that anyone who comes in and out of your life is a bonus (friends, family and relationships!)

-use the time to figure out what you want and like out of life. What do you want, where do you want to go with life etc, so that when someone comes along you're not swayed by whatever they want cause you know yourself. (I have so many friends who just want things cause it's what their boyfriend wants.)

-Learn to be happy alone. There's something really comforting about liking your own company. I do pretty much everything alone, cinema, holiday, site seeing, restaurants (that one took me awhile but I hate restaurants with people as well ), literally moved to a whole other country alone, and yeah sometimes I think I'd be nice to have someone to do those things with but then I think I'd have to focus on what they want. I don't mind compromise but sometimes it's nice to just go and leave when you want, eat what you want, make your own decisions...

- Single doesn't mean undesired. The stigma surrounding being a single woman is just so sad. I think society deems single woman as unwanted and that's why so many women jump from relationship to relationship and need a 'back up' before they leave one (I know so many women like this). They need the validation that comes with being in a relationship even if that relationship isn't a good one.

I also think a lot of society focusses so much on relationships, think about it, if you're single you're asked if you've found someone, if you're with someone you're asked about them constantly, if you're engaged you're asked when are you getting married and so on and on.
Engagement, pregnancy and marriage the things women seem to get praised for the most. It's never degrees, marathons. (side note: this is why I get irrationally angry when men propose to women when they've just run marathons or had promotions etc. pisses me right off!)

I will leave you with something my 87 year old Nanna always tells me "you focus on what YOU want to do and what YOU want to be and anyone who is meant to be in your life will be and they'll be damn lucky to have you. If you spend your time focussing on being what other people want you're robbing the world of the opportunity of having you as you in it."

Your Nanna is a very wise woman and she has definitely passed her wisdom on to you (and you’re so right- content-ness is a thing and we’re going with it ). I love my own company at home, but would love to have the confidence to travel alone, even sit and have a coffee on my own in a cafe and I think (Covid pending) that’s something I definitely want to work on in the new year.
The validation part you mentioned has seriously struck a chord with me and I think I definitely need to do some inside work for it. I seriously need to stop seeking validation from other people (men in particular)! As someone mentioned before, women should realise we bring more to the table than our relationship status and I need to start recognising my own worth and all the things I work hard for (my job , good relationships with family and friends etc). Thanks so much for your wise words x

I found myself single after a long term relationship ended badly and I was single for over 4 years. 2 years of dating in and off but never really clicked with anyone. Then I thought sod it, I’m going to enjoy my single time as it’s won’t be forever. I took myself on holiday to far flung places, volunteered whilst out there, met loads of new people, and did whatever pleased me and just enjoyed it. I worked on all the things I wanted to do. Sometimes it got a little boring, but rarely. It was nice not having anyone else to please. Then went on a dating app, went on one date and Yeats later we’re still together. But the time I had to be single gave me confidence in myself, and cheesy as it sounds I started to live myself. I had that time to work out exactly what I wanted and make myself happy. I was happy as I was and then someone came along and added to it. I hope that makes sense. But just enjoy it and concentrate on you x

That’s amazing! It’s so nice that you took the bull by the horns and did whatever you wanted to do. I think a lot of people, myself included, are so quick to see being single as something negative but stories like yours just show it’s such an empowering time that gives you confidence and shows you what you want from life. I bet you have some amazing stories from your travels too! x

By the way everyone, thanks so much for your comments and stories so far. I’m reading through them feeling so empowered by you all already. 2021 is definitely our year!

 

[Lovethesun]

I recently went through a break up , I’ve got a thread on here actually . I really struggle being single but on reflection I thought what did he actually add to my life ? Nothing in fact not financially, emotionally, he caused me more stress being together , so I was definitely with him for the wrong reasons .
I just get bored on my own ! Plus as someone else said I miss intimacy & yes just sex !! I’m not the type just to get a f**k buddy either just to satisfy me in that way . Like someone else said aswell you see all these happy families on Facebook & I just think meh makes you feel lonely .

 

[birdiefly246]

I recently went through a break up , I’ve got a thread on here actually . I really struggle being single but on reflection I thought what did he actually add to my life ? Nothing in fact not financially, emotionally, he caused me more stress being together , so I was definitely with him for the wrong reasons .
I just get bored on my own ! Plus as someone else said I miss intimacy & yes just sex !! I’m not the type just to get a f**k buddy either just to satisfy me in that way . Like someone else said aswell you see all these happy families on Facebook & I just think meh makes you feel lonely .

I think the happy families or the couple holiday pictures are the hardest bit for me. I do just try to remember now that the grass ain't greener and that's just one image. For example, my sister posts pictures of her family all over instagram and Facebook about how wonderful a day they're having on christmas/day out etc but I know for a fine fact that at one point one or more of the kids has kicked off, she's argued with her boyfriend, and she's rang me half way through the day while in the bath to moan at me about it. Social media is not what it ever seems

 

[Renata]

Also I can show you a few couples pictures on social media that look really happy.

One guy is a multimillionaire (pharmaceutical industry). His wife is stunning, and also highly educated, 2 perfect kids YET he is a disgusting horny predator who is openly online cheating.

He and his wife are extremely good looking - they seem to have it all yet all he does is look for sex.

If his wife does know she should ask him to be a bit more discreet (as he is using his real recent pictures). If she doesn’t know or turns a blind eye that’s sad too as they portray the perfect family.

His Facebook profile picture is his wife and kids.

There must be so many others like this (probably less good looking) who cheat. All he does is change his name yet these algorithms lead you to their real profiles.

I don’t believe any curated pictures in social media. Real happy families are happy in private.

 

[Alexaj]

Tips? Stay off social media - it'll just make you feel bad. Hang out a LOT more with your other single friends (this is what I miss). Get a dog.

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

Tips? Stay off social media - it'll just make you feel bad.

I feel you on this but it just so hard! Especially in this pandemic / lockdown. I have contemplated deleting my social media soooo many times as I really think it would improve my life.

my friend and I were talking about imagining general life without social media, dating without social media, friendships without social media etc.

But honestly lot of people think it’s slightly odd if someone isn’t on social media. But I do think coming off Instagram especially would help people.