How far is too far for a relationship?

[Strawberry-pot]

Posting as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
My husband is in the military and we have moved more times than I can remember. On Friday we found out we would need to move again due to his job.. it’s about an hour away. I honestly can’t take it anymore. I know I should being a military wife but where we are now seems like the perfect place. We are an hour from my family (other direction) and 2 from his. Our children have settled so well in the schools (post covid, yet still happy) my eldest is the happiest he’s ever been and confident in a good way rather than playing up, I have a great job that I enjoy and fits in with family life and I feel like we’ve found the Perfect place to raise a family.

The posting is about an hour drive away. Which i know isn’t far And suggested assumed he was going to commute it..but he said no we need to move. But I just don’t want to move again so I suggested for my husband to go and stay there mon-Friday ( he normally has most Fridays off tbf) and then come home at Thursday night/ Friday for the weekend. I have felt like a single mother for years whilst he’s been on tours/ work commitments etc and have supported him so much over the years I just feel like either commuting for an hour a day is nothing for our family or am I being selfish?

 

[bubblebar1317]

I don’t think you’re being selfish. It’s a massive upheaval and sometimes it’s nice to feel settled and somewhere you can truly call home. It would be hard for your kids too as you said because it’s not just your husband who is moving but all of you.

There’s definitely worse commutes, marriage is a two way street, it seems you’ve sacrificed a lot for your husband’s military life, so can he not do the same for you this time?

How do you feel about the move, kids aside?

 

[Kim Mild]

Would you have to sell your house ? Or do you rent? If you don't know how long it would be til he wants you to move again I would be tempted to stay put .

 

[MrsGahan]

I would stay put, a 1 hour commute isn’t worth moving for.

 

[Strawberry-pot]

I don’t think you’re being selfish. It’s a massive upheaval and sometimes it’s nice to feel settled and somewhere you can truly call home. It would be hard for your kids too as you said because it’s not just your husband who is moving but all of you.

There’s definitely worse commutes, marriage is a two way street, it seems you’ve sacrificed a lot for your husband’s military life, so can he not do the same for you this time?

How do you feel about the move, kids aside?

Thank you, tbh even if we didn’t have the kids I wouldn’t move! I’m so happy where we are as it’s close enough to my family and good links to Bristol, bath and London etc. I also have a job which I love and finally been able to get hours which fit around the kids which has taken me about 10 years to get, So I feel we have the perfect balance!

Would you have to sell your house ? Or do you rent? If you don't know how long it would be til he wants you to move again I would be tempted to stay put .

Yes we rent as we are in army support rented housing so would get another house when he’s posted however he could go into a flat on camp independently if I choose to stay xx

I would stay put, a 1 hour commute isn’t worth moving for.

Yeah that’s what I think but he’s the one saying I don’t have to do it everyday and if that’s the case let’s move and il have the hour commute to work and dropping the kids off At school. I can’t justify an hours drive for the kids everyday

 

[Doingitforthegram]

I commute more than an hour to work at the best of times..... it's well within commutable distance.

 

[Tree_]

Stay put. If you and the kids are happy and he's happy (ish) then that sounds fine.

 

[Orange Creme]

Posting as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
My husband is in the military and we have moved more times than I can remember. On Friday we found out we would need to move again due to his job.. it’s about an hour away. I honestly can’t take it anymore. I know I should being a military wife but where we are now seems like the perfect place. We are an hour from my family (other direction) and 2 from his. Our children have settled so well in the schools (post covid, yet still happy) my eldest is the happiest he’s ever been and confident in a good way rather than playing up, I have a great job that I enjoy and fits in with family life and I feel like we’ve found the Perfect place to raise a family.

The posting is about an hour drive away. Which i know isn’t far And suggested assumed he was going to commute it..but he said no we need to move. But I just don’t want to move again so I suggested for my husband to go and stay there mon-Friday ( he normally has most Fridays off tbf) and then come home at Thursday night/ Friday for the weekend. I have felt like a single mother for years whilst he’s been on tours/ work commitments etc and have supported him so much over the years I just feel like either commuting for an hour a day is nothing for our family or am I being selfish?

You're not being selfish for thinking of your kids and your job. You've proved you're not selfish for all the times you've put his job first. I think your idea of him commuting is great. He can live in the block for 4 nights. Are you in quarters? Would you be allowed to stay in your quarter if he commutes?

 

[Tublet83]

Definitely stay put!

 

[BettyCrocker]

If the commute is only an hour, then why is moving even on the table?? Loads of people have an hours journey to and from work - it’s very normal! There’s no way I’d even consider uprooting my family yet again under those circumstances.

 

[Interestingbitsnbats]

Have you told the kids. I know it's wrong getting kids involved but they can be very voiced in their opinions that their dad might listen if hes not listening to you.

 

[Fishnips]

Have you told the kids. I know it's wrong getting kids involved but they can be very voiced in their opinions that their dad might listen if hes not listening to you.

This. I don't think it's wrong at all getting kids involved.

For me, the kids would take absolute priority and it sounds like they're happiest where they are now plus you've got a job that works around their school hours and that's invaluable in my opinion. I think you've been reasonable enough saying he could commute or stay away during the week. It's hard doing things on your own and he needs to respect that your family is so comfortable where you are that you're willing to be on your own during the week.

 

[Raininvain]

Stay put an hour is nothing. I used to leave the house at 6.45 and get into work around 9.00 a.m. I never considered moving. Tell him to live there and come home at weekends. I think hes being silly expecting the family to move for that piffling distance.Its not all about him and his needs.

 

[Strawberry-pot]

Thank you guys! He’s gone away for 3 days now for work so will wait until he’s back to speak about it face to face. Will let you know

 

[MrsWolf]

Would you be able to have the military assisted housing as well as him living on camp? I assumed you only got one or the other?

I’m about to become a military wife so have all this to look forward to!

 

[Strawberry-pot]

Would you be able to have the military assisted housing as well as him living on camp? I assumed you only got one or the other?

I’m about to become a military wife so have all this to look forward to!

It depends on the regiment support etc. Atm we privately rent but get housing support payment from the army. If he gets a flat it will reduce our support payment but no idea how much.. we are hoping to buy In the future but with these posting this is the exact reasons why.
Good luck becoming an military wife, it’s hard work but worth it! Pm if you ever need support it can get lonely. Weve moved 6 times in the last 5 years, it’s great before you have children but gets harder when they settle in places etc! Xx

 

[MrsWolf]

It depends on the regiment support etc. Atm we privately rent but get housing support payment from the army. If he gets a flat it will reduce our support payment but no idea how much.. we are hoping to buy In the future but with these posting this is the exact reasons why.
Good luck becoming an military wife, it’s hard work but worth it! Pm if you ever need support it can get lonely. Weve moved 6 times in the last 5 years, it’s great before you have children but gets harder when they settle in places etc! Xx

Thank you for taking the time to explain! I will be sure to PM if I need any advice. At the moment we don’t have children together (husband does from previous relationship, but that’s a weekend/half term type thing) so the moving won’t be a massive issue.. at the moment! Time will tell though! xx

 

[Tor88]

Going through something similar atm. My oftener is in the RAF, based 2 hours from home. We bought a house 2 years ago near family etc. He always planned to move home. However now he’s so miserable he won’t stay at base mon-fri. Commutes the two hours every day and is waiting on leaving. I’ll be honest I couldn’t be a military spouse forever, it’s hard. Out of a month we spent 7-8 days together when he’s not commuting. I would tell your husband a 1 hour commute is nothing compared to you children’s and your happiness. Plus military isn’t forever, you need you’re own base and to build a life. Also look into home to duty relief. Partner currently gets about £130 a month towards fuel etc

 

[Mumdrum]

Posting as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
My husband is in the military and we have moved more times than I can remember. On Friday we found out we would need to move again due to his job.. it’s about an hour away. I honestly can’t take it anymore. I know I should being a military wife but where we are now seems like the perfect place. We are an hour from my family (other direction) and 2 from his. Our children have settled so well in the schools (post covid, yet still happy) my eldest is the happiest he’s ever been and confident in a good way rather than playing up, I have a great job that I enjoy and fits in with family life and I feel like we’ve found the Perfect place to raise a family.

The posting is about an hour drive away. Which i know isn’t far And suggested assumed he was going to commute it..but he said no we need to move. But I just don’t want to move again so I suggested for my husband to go and stay there mon-Friday ( he normally has most Fridays off tbf) and then come home at Thursday night/ Friday for the weekend. I have felt like a single mother for years whilst he’s been on tours/ work commitments etc and have supported him so much over the years I just feel like either commuting for an hour a day is nothing for our family or am I being selfish?

You are not being selfish, my husband commutes 1 hour there and back into london he works long days. I think it's better to keep your children settled

 

[PavlovaSupernova]

It not selfish at all. Your children sound like they are doing really well where you are and that’s got
to be the priority. You have also got support and a job and ,when he might be deployed for months on end, that’s really important.

My husband and I both have a 1 hr commute - it’s pretty common tbh and not worth the upheaval of moving.