How do you deal with being always being project manager in a relationship?

[Squittel]

Looking for advice.

My husband has many many fine traits, he is the best father our daughter could ask for, he’s more patient than I am, he’s generous and he’s kind.

However, I’d really like some advice on sharing mental load. It’s lots of small things.

For example, he’ll say “I’m going to go to the supermarket to get some food on my way home from work.”

I’ll say “great!”

He’ll say “Can you put a list of what we need together?”

This wouldn’t be a problem but I work full time too! Suddenly, him going to the supermarket is just an extra thing for me to do and I may as well do it myself.

Another thing will be “I’ll cook dinner“ and I’m like “great, thanks!” And then it’s “what shall I cook?” Again, I get he wants to make sure it’s something I’ll like, but just once I’d love it if he said “I’m going to make spag Bol tonight, how does that sound?”

We recently had a problem with our gas supplier, the direct debit had stopped for some reason and because I hadn’t been opening HIS mail I hadn’t seen the letters. The first I heard about it was a hand delivered note from a bailiff. I asked him what the duck was going on and he was like “Oh I didn’t know.”

I told him it wasn’t an excuse because regardless of his intentions we are now in a pickle and it’s up to him to work out whether bills he is responsible are being paid. We’re already in a financially bad situation but this made it 10x worse because by the time I noticed what was going on the interest added to the bill made it close to £1000. I asked him to transfer the direct debits to come out of my account so he doesn’t have to think about them and a month later he still hasn’t.

He ignores messages and calls (not from me) and I will suddenly get a call from his mother asking if we’re all ok because she hasn’t heard from him for weeks. I now have to nag him to call his mother (and she’s not an evil MIL type, she’s lovely)

His brother messaged me the other day saying he’d texted my husband weeks ago about plans for their mum’s birthday and he never got back to him - I then had to make the plans. So I get left with making all the plan

If we have a disagreement he will never make the first step to chat things through, it always falls to me. If I say “let’s talk about it” he’ll be like “sure” but then look at me expectantly to start the conversation.

I know a lot of this stuff is small but it adds up. When we leave the house I always have to pack our daughters bag (she’s 3 so the usual - snacks, change of clothes, wipes, drinks) because he’ll just pick up the bag and expect everything to magically already be in there.

Any advice on how to get him to share some of the load with me? I’m starting to feel like a personal secretary.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Looking for advice.

My husband has many many fine traits, he is the best father our daughter could ask for, he’s more patient than I am, he’s generous and he’s kind.

However, I’d really like some advice on sharing mental load. It’s lots of small things.

For example, he’ll say “I’m going to go to the supermarket to get some food on my way home from work.”

I’ll say “great!”

He’ll say “Can you put a list of what we need together?”

This wouldn’t be a problem but I work full time too! Suddenly, him going to the supermarket is just an extra thing for me to do and I may as well do it myself.

Another thing will be “I’ll cook dinner“ and I’m like “great, thanks!” And then it’s “what shall I cook?” Again, I get he wants to make sure it’s something I’ll like, but just once I’d love it if he said “I’m going to make spag Bol tonight, how does that sound?”

We recently had a problem with our gas supplier, the direct debit had stopped for some reason and because I hadn’t been opening HIS mail I hadn’t seen the letters. The first I heard about it was a hand delivered note from a bailiff. I asked him what the duck was going on and he was like “Oh I didn’t know.”

I told him it wasn’t an excuse because regardless of his intentions we are now in a pickle and it’s up to him to work out whether bills he is responsible are being paid. We’re already in a financially bad situation but this made it 10x worse because by the time I noticed what was going on the interest added to the bill made it close to £1000. I asked him to transfer the direct debits to come out of my account so he doesn’t have to think about them and a month later he still hasn’t.

He ignores messages and calls (not from me) and I will suddenly get a call from his mother asking if we’re all ok because she hasn’t heard from him for weeks. I now have to nag him to call his mother (and she’s not an evil MIL type, she’s lovely)

His brother messaged me the other day saying he’d texted my husband weeks ago about plans for their mum’s birthday and he never got back to him - I then had to make the plans. So I get left with making all the plan

If we have a disagreement he will never make the first step to chat things through, it always falls to me. If I say “let’s talk about it” he’ll be like “sure” but then look at me expectantly to start the conversation.

I know a lot of this stuff is small but it adds up. When we leave the house I always have to pack our daughters bag (she’s 3 so the usual - snacks, change of clothes, wipes, drinks) because he’ll just pick up the bag and expect everything to magically already be in there.

Any advice on how to get him to share some of the load with me? I’m starting to feel like a personal secretary.

Have you told him all of the above?????

Re: finances/direct debits - why haven’t you got a joint account where all the household bills come out of, that you both have access to and both pay money into each month to cover all your household bills??and Are your bills not in both of your names/do you not just open up mail from energy suppliers etc regardless of who’s name is on it???

 

[AnnRKey]

Looking for advice.

My husband has many many fine traits, he is the best father our daughter could ask for, he’s more patient than I am, he’s generous and he’s kind.

However, I’d really like some advice on sharing mental load. It’s lots of small things.

For example, he’ll say “I’m going to go to the supermarket to get some food on my way home from work.”

I’ll say “great!”

He’ll say “Can you put a list of what we need together?”

This wouldn’t be a problem but I work full time too! Suddenly, him going to the supermarket is just an extra thing for me to do and I may as well do it myself.

Another thing will be “I’ll cook dinner“ and I’m like “great, thanks!” And then it’s “what shall I cook?” Again, I get he wants to make sure it’s something I’ll like, but just once I’d love it if he said “I’m going to make spag Bol tonight, how does that sound?”

We recently had a problem with our gas supplier, the direct debit had stopped for some reason and because I hadn’t been opening HIS mail I hadn’t seen the letters. The first I heard about it was a hand delivered note from a bailiff. I asked him what the duck was going on and he was like “Oh I didn’t know.”

I told him it wasn’t an excuse because regardless of his intentions we are now in a pickle and it’s up to him to work out whether bills he is responsible are being paid. We’re already in a financially bad situation but this made it 10x worse because by the time I noticed what was going on the interest added to the bill made it close to £1000. I asked him to transfer the direct debits to come out of my account so he doesn’t have to think about them and a month later he still hasn’t.

He ignores messages and calls (not from me) and I will suddenly get a call from his mother asking if we’re all ok because she hasn’t heard from him for weeks. I now have to nag him to call his mother (and she’s not an evil MIL type, she’s lovely)

His brother messaged me the other day saying he’d texted my husband weeks ago about plans for their mum’s birthday and he never got back to him - I then had to make the plans. So I get left with making all the plan

If we have a disagreement he will never make the first step to chat things through, it always falls to me. If I say “let’s talk about it” he’ll be like “sure” but then look at me expectantly to start the conversation.

I know a lot of this stuff is small but it adds up. When we leave the house I always have to pack our daughters bag (she’s 3 so the usual - snacks, change of clothes, wipes, drinks) because he’ll just pick up the bag and expect everything to magically already be in there.

Any advice on how to get him to share some of the load with me? I’m starting to feel like a personal secretary.

Send him a link to your post haha

 

[littlepup]

I’ve not implemented it yet but i’m making a list of things I would like him (and me) to do on repeat. In a sense I’ve managed it for him but if things are written down and expectations are clearly stated it helps to avoid ‘but I didn’t know’ or ‘nagging’ because I have to ask or explain or prompt so often.
Even down to things like take the bin out, replace the bin liner, bring bin back in because the second two steps get forgotten. He’ll say ‘but I took the bin out’ - yes but you created another job for me.

The financial stuff I can’t help with but could you set up a joint account for these things with a joint email that you both have coming through to your phone so you can both keep track and make a specified evening to deal with all admin. Perhaps one night it’s his job to buy, cook, serve and clean away a set meal while you do financial admin and another night he does family admin say?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I’ve not implemented it yet but i’m making a list of things I would like him (and me) to do on repeat. In a sense I’ve managed it for him but if things are written down and expectations are clearly stated it helps to avoid ‘but I didn’t know’ or ‘nagging’ because I have to ask or explain or prompt so often.
Even down to things like take the bin out, replace the bin liner, bring bin back in because the second two steps get forgotten. He’ll say ‘but I took the bin out’ - yes but you created another job for me.

The financial stuff I can’t help with but could you set up a joint account for these things with a joint email that you both have coming through to your phone so you can both keep track and make a specified evening to deal with all admin. Perhaps one night it’s his job to buy, cook, serve and clean away a set meal while you do financial admin and another night he does family admin say?

Lord above - are you seriously going to write down a step by step guide on how to change a bin bag?! Just tell him - put a bleeping bag in the bleeping bin!!!!

 

[PineappleQueen19]

What he is doing is called ‘weaponised incompetence’.

Unless these things start bouncing back up into his face specifically (as opposed to being a general mess you need to sort out) he won’t change so you need to get better at playing him at his own game.

There’s no communication problem either - he understands you, he just doesn’t care and knows you will pick up his slack. The more you micromanage him the worse it will get and you will end up a ‘nagging shrew’. Enough talking, time for boundaries and tough love. Good luck x

 

[littlepup]

Lord above - are you seriously going to write down a step by step guide on how to change a bin bag?! Just tell him - put a bleeping bag in the bleeping bin!!!!

Well yeah, that’s what I’m doing, because saying put a bleeping bag in the bleeping bin just doesn’t come naturally to him. He doesn’t seem to realise it’s part of the job and I can’t be arsed to get annoyed about it. It obviously doesn’t come naturally to everyone to see a job through. Replace the empty loo roll, put the clothes straight on the dryer instead of leaving them to get fusty (that one is me), don’t leave the tit you swept up in the dust pan (also me), put the hoover on charge after using. It may sound mental but some people just are not good at these things, get easily distracted and I know because I’m one of them. He’s actually better than me in many senses so if I write it all down for both of us, a fair split of chores, then I don’t see how either can complain or get annoyed when you go to do something and the last person left half a job.
Maybe my situation is different to the OP and based more on general chores

 

[candyland_]

Just tell him to stop acting like he’s got tit for brains and to duck off and get on with it.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

Just tell him to stop acting like he’s got tit for brains and to duck off and get on with it.

YES.

I actually find it upsetting that there are women who make excuses for these men like he’s just not naturally good at this stuff or forgetful or easily distracted. He’s an adult, so stop being his mother.

 

[AnnRKey]

Just tell him to stop acting like he’s got tit for brains and to duck off and get on with it.

fuckin yes!

 

[katyazamo]

What he is doing is called ‘weaponised incompetence’.

Unless these things start bouncing back up into his face specifically (as opposed to being a general mess you need to sort out) he won’t change so you need to get better at playing him at his own game.

There’s no communication problem either - he understands you, he just doesn’t care and knows you will pick up his slack. The more you micromanage him the worse it will get and you will end up a ‘nagging shrew’. Enough talking, time for boundaries and tough love. Good luck x

Yup, this is it (forgot what it was called) - OP, there are a lot of articles about this so it's worth googling as I think they'll strike a chord with you.

Don't downplay it as little things, like you say it all adds up. He keeps doing this because there's no penalty, you're always there to step in and sort out his mess. He simply doesn't see these things as worth his time, whether that's deliberate or not, but that's the truth. Another excuse is that they "don't see these things" but again, not true, they see these things perfectly fine but also safe in the knowledge that you'll pick up after them so why bother.

 

[Squittel]

What he is doing is called ‘weaponised incompetence’.

Unless these things start bouncing back up into his face specifically (as opposed to being a general mess you need to sort out) he won’t change so you need to get better at playing him at his own game.

There’s no communication problem either - he understands you, he just doesn’t care and knows you will pick up his slack. The more you micromanage him the worse it will get and you will end up a ‘nagging shrew’. Enough talking, time for boundaries and tough love. Good luck x

The thing is that he does stuff WELL. So it’s not like he’ll purposely do a tit job at something or a half hearted job.

If I ask him to do something he’s super eager and does it well. He also does plenty of stuff I don’t ask him to do housework wise, laundry, dishes, things like that (moreso than me in fact) He’s not a sit on the sofa and chill kind of guy, he’s super hands on. It’s almost just executive function stuff. He’s a do-er not a planner. Like, I could literally wake him up at 3am and tell him to go to Tesco and he would do it. He’ll get the vacuum out and just vacuum the whole house just because he felt like it needed it. But if it’s anything that involved planning like a shopping list, or meal plan, or budgeting he just doesn’t! It’s like having a super enthusiastic Labrador. He’s also the type who would never dream of calling me a nag or anything like that. So it’s a hard one because I don’t want to devalue the stuff he does because he goes above and beyond the bare minimum for most things but the common sense lacks when it involves forward planning.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

The thing is that he does stuff WELL. So it’s not like he’ll purposely do a tit job at something or a half hearted job.

If I ask him to do something he’s super eager and does it well. He also does plenty of stuff I don’t ask him to do housework wise, laundry, dishes, things like that (moreso than me in fact) He’s not a sit on the sofa and chill kind of guy, he’s super hands on. It’s almost just executive function stuff. He’s a do-er not a planner. Like, I could literally wake him up at 3am and tell him to go to Tesco and he would do it. He’ll get the vacuum out and just vacuum the whole house just because he felt like it needed it. But if it’s anything that involved planning like a shopping list, or meal plan, or budgeting he just doesn’t! It’s like having a super enthusiastic Labrador. He’s also the type who would never dream of calling me a nag or anything like that. So it’s a hard one because I don’t want to devalue the stuff he does because he goes above and beyond the bare minimum for most things but the common sense lacks when it involves forward planning.

So just compromise then? You are better at planning and doing stuff like food shopping or whatever so you do that and he can do the stuff like hoovering etc as mentioned

I don’t see what the issue is here?

 

[Squittel]

YES.

I actually find it upsetting that there are women who make excuses for these men like he’s just not naturally good at this stuff or forgetful or easily distracted. He’s an adult, so stop being his mother.

The thing is, he’s more pro-active than I am in most parts of our life. He’s the one that notices stuff and will do it in a lot of circumstances. He notices the washing hasn’t been hung up? He’s up and hanging it. He notices the dishwasher needs emptying? He’s done it. Our daughters bed sheets need changing? All done and a wash put on with the old ones. I can’t even remember the last time I took the rubbish out because he does it without even blinking when he leaves for work.

I think in many ways I just want him to communicate with me better. Like if he said “I really struggle coming up with a shopping list, can you do that and I’ll do X” then I don’t think I’d mind so much. It’s the expectation that pisses me off. But I want him to have the communication skills to START that conversation. I’m sick of having to be the one who does the communicating. That’s the bit that gets to me. We are all better at some things than others he is a do-er. But sometimes I just want a tiny bit of the mental load removed.

So just compromise then? You are better at planning and doing stuff like food shopping or whatever so you do that and he can do the stuff like hoovering etc as mentioned

I don’t see what the issue is here?

The issue is we are both do-ers. Neither of us like planning but the planning all defaults to me - being in charge of finances, budgeting, meal plans, arranging him speaking to his family, arranging the cats prescriptions, arranging our weekends, arranging when the gas man is coming over, arranging our daughters doctors appointments, sorting out everything etc I guess. I’m actually a terrible planner, I have ADHD

 

[PineappleQueen19]

The thing is, he’s more pro-active than I am in most parts of our life. He’s the one that notices stuff and will do it in a lot of circumstances. He notices the washing hasn’t been hung up? He’s up and hanging it. He notices the dishwasher needs emptying? He’s done it. Our daughters bed sheets need changing? All done and a wash put on with the old ones. I can’t even remember the last time I took the rubbish out because he does it without even blinking when he leaves for work.

I think in many ways I just want him to communicate with me better. Like if he said “I really struggle coming up with a shopping list, can you do that and I’ll do X” then I don’t think I’d mind so much. It’s the expectation that pisses me off. But I want him to have the communication skills to START that conversation. I’m sick of having to be the one who does the communicating. That’s the bit that gets to me. We are all better at some things than others he is a do-er. But sometimes I just want a tiny bit of the mental load removed.

The thing is that he does stuff WELL. So it’s not like he’ll purposely do a tit job at something or a half hearted job.

If I ask him to do something he’s super eager and does it well. He also does plenty of stuff I don’t ask him to do housework wise, laundry, dishes, things like that (moreso than me in fact) He’s not a sit on the sofa and chill kind of guy, he’s super hands on. It’s almost just executive function stuff. He’s a do-er not a planner. Like, I could literally wake him up at 3am and tell him to go to Tesco and he would do it. He’ll get the vacuum out and just vacuum the whole house just because he felt like it needed it. But if it’s anything that involved planning like a shopping list, or meal plan, or budgeting he just doesn’t! It’s like having a super enthusiastic Labrador. He’s also the type who would never dream of calling me a nag or anything like that. So it’s a hard one because I don’t want to devalue the stuff he does because he goes above and beyond the bare minimum for most things but the common sense lacks when it involves forward planning.

If he struggles with executive dysfunction that’s not going to change so maybe — do you need to keep talking about what each of you does and adjust until it feels fair? It can be tricky to quantify the planning/emotional labour/mental load aspect against the tangible (doing) tasks but it can be done if you are both open and receptive to each other’s strengths and shortcomings which it sounds like you are?

I wonder if the sticking point is figuring out what he can realistically change about himself. If he can’t you need to make peace with it somehow - in a way that makes the relationship still feel fair to you.

And I am wondering if he is able to show initiative in his career?

 

[Captainmouse]

YES.

I actually find it upsetting that there are women who make excuses for these men like he’s just not naturally good at this stuff or forgetful or easily distracted. He’s an adult, so stop being his mother.

The more you do, the more they let you do it. If you don’t unroll the socks before putting in the wash, and that’s how they get them back, partially washed, if it’s not in the wash bin it doesn’t get washed, they soon learn.

 

[Slaybutter]

I totally get the Labrador comparison OP My dad can be like this and I’m convinced he has ADD. All of the self help books I found for navigating relationships with add / adhd are written by social workers. I hope that job title means the same thing where you come from as I’m located in the US.
I don’t think I would count on my dad finishing any book in time to save anyone’s sanity since he’s normally got five on the go at once. He would 100% get on board with seeing a social worker and coming up with action plans though. Why not give that a try?

 

[Squittel]

If he struggles with executive dysfunction that’s not going to change so maybe — do you need to keep talking about what each of you does and adjust until it feels fair? It can be tricky to quantify the planning/emotional labour/mental load aspect against the tangible (doing) tasks but it can be done if you are both open and receptive to each other’s strengths and shortcomings which it sounds like you are?

I wonder if the sticking point is figuring out what he can realistically change about himself. If he can’t you need to make peace with it somehow - in a way that makes the relationship still feel fair to you.

And I am wondering if he is able to show initiative in his career?

He shows initiate in the day to day of his job, but not in his career overall (again, planning) so he’s good at his day to day job but we’ve both discussed that he probably needs a new job to earn more and that side of things he struggles with.

You’re right, we are both understanding, I think the answer to a lot of this is “better communication” which I should have come up with myself but maybe I just needed to vent

There’s a lot I could improve too, so maybe it’s just time for a bit of sit down.

 

[henriettadubois2]

First thing stop doing anything related to HIS family, obviously if its joint bills thats more tricky.
Google Wife Work and Mental Load -
Show him this -

https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/home/interiors/the-mental-load-is-burning-women-out/news-story/3ba7224a3a7db39a61fbdf096fff7465

 

[Bleurghgram]

Since reading this thread I’ve told my boyfriend I’m going to shout WEAPONISED INCOMPETENCE at him whenever he leaves his dishes on the side rather than loading them in the dishwasher. Will report back with results