So there’s a friend who I travelled with this summer. When I got back I realised she wasn’t the person I thought she was. I had to do everything planning the trip, and even on the trip itself the itinerary, route planning, basically every logistical detail fell on me. Which I wasn’t even mad about, but her attitude on the trip sucked. She was moany, ungrateful and basically acted like she could’ve happily been anywhere but with me. At a party I found, we walked in and kinda hovered for a few minutes surveying the scene. I asked her if she wanted to get a drink first or hit the dance floor. And she just sighed and said ‘I wish *enter other friends name* was here, she’s so good at dancing and so fun’ and it really hurt. Basically confirmed that she doesn’t rank me highly amongst her friends.
I’m a bit shy and awkward at times I’ll admit. And on the way home from the party we were randomly chatting and doing that thing late at night where the convo gets a bit deeper. And she was like ‘oh I remember you mentioned you might be autistic, have you looked further into that’. This is something I mentioned to her maybe 8-10 years ago, I was floored at her bringing that up randomly. It didn’t sound kind or concerned, more like a judgement tbh. She has a habit of looking at you funny or rolling her eyes at you a lot. I did accept that it could be me projecting insecurities, but when I spoke with a different mutual friend of ours who used to go on nights out with her a lot, she said the same thing. That she has a habit of making people feel small and silly.
The last few days of the trip dragged, we had nothing to talk about and I was dreaming of going home. We said bye at the airport, and I went home and honestly sunk into a bit of a depressive episode (work stress and other personal issues). I never heard from her, a few other friends reached out in concern after not hearing from me but she never did). Then she wished me a happy birthday weeks later and did chip in for a gift card for me. Since then she has messaged me once or twice, but she has basically resurrected an ancient group chat between me, her and another friend - and has been posting loads in there. It almost feels like she’s too cowardly to ask me what’s wrong and is just posting stuff in the group chat that she previously would’ve sent to me directly (before I went cold and quiet on her).
I’ve realised that our whole relationship was me making effort and reaching out and her just taking and taking. For example i helped her find a house to rent with her boyfriend. Like literally found the listing and sent it to her when she couldn’t find anywhere. And she has invited all her other friends over but she never invited me round once. I’ve only been there one time because we were going out somewhere and she needed to run back up to get something. Meanwhile she has spent countless evenings hanging out at mine. Especially when she was going through relationship issues and needed a place to hang out and vent. But again, I never really thought about any of that because I thought she was a fun, decent person. But in close quarters abroad with no buffers or distractions I realised we don’t actually get along that well. It’s very surface level between us.
But this past week she has been texting me a lot. Asking for advice on how to decorate her new place (she has now bought a place with her bf.) And it’s honestly pissing me off. We have barely spoken in months. I give very bland short answers or I don’t respond to her at all. And here she is bothering me for advice on decorating a house (that I will likely never even be invited over to.) It’s like she doesn’t see me as a real person, just someone who provides her with advice or a shoulder to cry on. I don’t have the energy to confront her because I don’t care anymore. In my mind, if I was in her position and a friend stopped talking to me I would either ask them directly if they are okay, or I would take the hint and leave them alone.
Am I being a coward, do I owe her a conversation? Even though she hasn’t actually asked me if anything’s wrong or shown any concern? Or do I continue being distant until she eventually gives up and let’s go? Thanks in advance for any advice given!
I’m a bit shy and awkward at times I’ll admit. And on the way home from the party we were randomly chatting and doing that thing late at night where the convo gets a bit deeper. And she was like ‘oh I remember you mentioned you might be autistic, have you looked further into that’. This is something I mentioned to her maybe 8-10 years ago, I was floored at her bringing that up randomly. It didn’t sound kind or concerned, more like a judgement tbh. She has a habit of looking at you funny or rolling her eyes at you a lot. I did accept that it could be me projecting insecurities, but when I spoke with a different mutual friend of ours who used to go on nights out with her a lot, she said the same thing. That she has a habit of making people feel small and silly.
The last few days of the trip dragged, we had nothing to talk about and I was dreaming of going home. We said bye at the airport, and I went home and honestly sunk into a bit of a depressive episode (work stress and other personal issues). I never heard from her, a few other friends reached out in concern after not hearing from me but she never did). Then she wished me a happy birthday weeks later and did chip in for a gift card for me. Since then she has messaged me once or twice, but she has basically resurrected an ancient group chat between me, her and another friend - and has been posting loads in there. It almost feels like she’s too cowardly to ask me what’s wrong and is just posting stuff in the group chat that she previously would’ve sent to me directly (before I went cold and quiet on her).
I’ve realised that our whole relationship was me making effort and reaching out and her just taking and taking. For example i helped her find a house to rent with her boyfriend. Like literally found the listing and sent it to her when she couldn’t find anywhere. And she has invited all her other friends over but she never invited me round once. I’ve only been there one time because we were going out somewhere and she needed to run back up to get something. Meanwhile she has spent countless evenings hanging out at mine. Especially when she was going through relationship issues and needed a place to hang out and vent. But again, I never really thought about any of that because I thought she was a fun, decent person. But in close quarters abroad with no buffers or distractions I realised we don’t actually get along that well. It’s very surface level between us.
But this past week she has been texting me a lot. Asking for advice on how to decorate her new place (she has now bought a place with her bf.) And it’s honestly pissing me off. We have barely spoken in months. I give very bland short answers or I don’t respond to her at all. And here she is bothering me for advice on decorating a house (that I will likely never even be invited over to.) It’s like she doesn’t see me as a real person, just someone who provides her with advice or a shoulder to cry on. I don’t have the energy to confront her because I don’t care anymore. In my mind, if I was in her position and a friend stopped talking to me I would either ask them directly if they are okay, or I would take the hint and leave them alone.
Am I being a coward, do I owe her a conversation? Even though she hasn’t actually asked me if anything’s wrong or shown any concern? Or do I continue being distant until she eventually gives up and let’s go? Thanks in advance for any advice given!
. I’ve had conversations with her before about saying inconsiderate, hurtful things. Which she would profusely apologise for. Truthfully I don’t want to have a conversation with her again. I just want to let the friendship die. But she won’t get the hint, and it feels awkward to flat out ignore texts from someone. Especially as we’ve been friends for over 10 years. 
