Heartbreak after split

[littlepup]

My partner split with me after 7 years. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It sounds dramatic but I honestly couldn’t function. I didn’t even know who I was without him. I knew it hadn’t been great but thought we could work it out. He just wanted to throw it away, throw me away.
I don’t believe she was a factor but he soon got with someone else. Well of course that pushed me off the rails. I felt that I’d given him my best years, my fertility even and he’d just moved on to a younger woman with a child leaving me a spinster.
Still, with time, I sorted my shit out. A turning point was sitting in a room with a load of people I’d usually cross the street to avoid who were all off their faces trying to suppress their own personal pain and I thought ‘what the hell am I doing here?!’

I’m now with the most wonderful man who tells me he loves me every day, compliments me all the time, 2 things my ex did Maybe once a year, believes in and supports me and wants to be a team; we’re expecting our first child.
I realise now how much I had my head in the sand and said ‘oh that’s just him’ about my ex’s shortcomings because I loved him but I was also comfortable. I didn’t want to start again. I was picking the devil I knew and selling myself so short. We got on amazingly and he made me laugh but that’s not a life partner, that was a mate I just wouldn’t admit it. It sounds as though you’re relationship wasn’t 100% if he was shutting you out, if you really analyse it, was it as good as you’re feeling it was now or might you be better off in the long run? Was it purely his mental health or were there aspects that were just parts of his personality?
I do believe you have to work at a relationship but you shouldn’t have to fight Tooth and nail for it. My point is that it will get better Than it is now. And you might find it gets better than its ever been. Either way, you won’t be with a man that doesn’t want you 100%. There’s a cheesy meme that says ‘remember when you wanted everything you’ve now got’ - that happens. I’m under no illusion it’s guaranteed to last forever but we all deserve it for a little while. You’ve got exciting times ahead of you. Maybe some mistakes and bad dates but it’s going to be fun!
Big hugs to you.

 

[User_name_100]

Hi OP, just checking in on you today to see how you are going?

Hello! That's so kind, thank you.

I'm actually feeling a little more acceptance of the situation.

He did send me a WhatsApp message a couple of days ago. Asking how I was. I was really not sure whether to reply, so left it for a day and sent a bright and breezy 'I'm ok, hope you are too' style reply. He's not responded to that but he was never a texter or good with words so that was to be expected. I was very surprised he did send a message though.

I've been looking towards the future, planning things to do and future goals so that's kept me busy. I still think of him and I do feel sad, and I have cried a lot, but that's natural, and I'm not letting it take up the whole day. I can see what wasn't great with the relationship, now that's it done. I can see it logically now.

 

[Laur91]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head by saying he’s not ready for a relationship, he is the only person who can change & he’s clearly not ready to do that for himself yet let alone anyone else. He would never have been able to give himself to you fully until he faces those demons.

I would just accept what he’s told you, there definitely doesn’t have to be another woman involved but there is something ELSE involved and that’s mental health. If he has anxiety and depression I’m sure another relationship is the last thing on his mind so don’t worry too much about that. It’s a shame he text you what he did but again, mental illness can really cloud judgement and he might not be able to see much else right now other than how he feels. He’s probably struggling to take your feelings into consideration as he deals with his own.

Take this time to focus on yourself. A relationship involving mental health can be challenging and you can lose yourself a little in caring for someone else so take this time for you, take those lemons and make lemonade.

 

[User_name_100]

Awwwww hun. Iv been there and it’s horrible and so I really feel for you. All I can say is allow yourself to feel this way, feel these things and let them come and go.
I know it’s cliche but in time these feelings will go and you will start to feel abit better.
I reckon something really amazing is waiting for you.
Try and do things that make you feel happy, and always remember your worth.
sending you lots of love xx


I love this. so eloquently put. I’m so happy you got your happy ending. I’m sure OP will too.
Heartbreak is the worst but times do get better. Xxx

Thank you. Taking it one day at a time. Talking lots to friends has helped a lot.

I just want to say thank you again to all of you. It's nice to read such lovely words from people. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone.
I fucking love Tattle. Sorry to swear.

 

[littlepup]

I'm so glad you found happiness.

I agree, looking back on the relationship there were times I felt intense anxiety because of his behaviour. He would sometimes give me the silent treatment and it would really affect me. Our relationship had great highs and shit lows so being honest, in six months I'll probably be looking back feeling glad he ended it.

Right now I still love him so it's hard to imagine life without him. I've been struggling all day today, crying on and off. I've been through this before with another guy and know I can get through heart break, it's just so so difficult.

It's one day at a time. I'm trying to keep insanely busy to keep me going.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. My ex gave me massive anxiety too. If I'm honest, I think he made me feel unhappy more often than he made me feel happy for the last year.

I just wanted to add...
About 5 months down the line he had a bit of a breakdown. He'd made a mistake, wanted me back, (after blocking me & being vicious) marriage & kids etc realised all he'd done, hated himself, allegedly broke off the other girl. I said we could be friends, maybe in time I could see he'd changed and forgive, but I wasn't staring over just like that.
I'd just started casually seeing the new man. The ex said we couldn't be friends if I continued to do so. I was just feeling strong enough to not give into him so that was that..... Of course he 'got back' with the other girl.... And actually we are 'friends' now in passing.
If I'd have let him still dictate to me I wouldn't be where I am now. Very likely I'd have had neither him nor my new partner and been another year wasted. Only you know what's best but once you make the break, please don't let old habits draw you back. Stay strong xx

 

[imnotarobot]

Hi there,

I don’t have any wise words of advice but I can read how hurt you are, and I wanted to say how sorry I am.

I’m an older woman with teenage daughters, and it’s been a while since I was in your position, but I would like to say to you what I would say to them - be kind to yourself, and be gentle to yourself too. And as hard as it is right now, time will help.

xxxx

 

[User_name_100]

Oh my god thank you so much for your lovely replies. Crying as I'm reading them.

I suppose I'm missing more the future plans for us. I always thought he was 'the one' I would settle down with, marry etc. It feels like the dream has been cruelly snatched away. I'm mid 30s and have done the really rubbish relationships when I was in my 20s so thought this was it, this was the man I'd settle down with.

I'm angry that he has been sitting on this for three months, where we've been making plans for our future and then I'm really sad at the same time. I'm just bereft that he's been waiting for three months to say something. I feel stupid.

Thank you so much for letting me write. It feels good to get my feelings out.

 

[User_name_100]

My partner split with me after 7 years. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It sounds dramatic but I honestly couldn’t function. I didn’t even know who I was without him. I knew it hadn’t been great but thought we could work it out. He just wanted to throw it away, throw me away.
I don’t believe she was a factor but he soon got with someone else. Well of course that pushed me off the rails. I felt that I’d given him my best years, my fertility even and he’d just moved on to a younger woman with a child leaving me a spinster.
Still, with time, I sorted my shit out. A turning point was sitting in a room with a load of people I’d usually cross the street to avoid who were all off their faces trying to suppress their own personal pain and I thought ‘what the hell am I doing here?!’

I’m now with the most wonderful man who tells me he loves me every day, compliments me all the time, 2 things my ex did Maybe once a year, believes in and supports me and wants to be a team; we’re expecting our first child.
I realise now how much I had my head in the sand and said ‘oh that’s just him’ about my ex’s shortcomings because I loved him but I was also comfortable. I didn’t want to start again. I was picking the devil I knew and selling myself so short. We got on amazingly and he made me laugh but that’s not a life partner, that was a mate I just wouldn’t admit it. It sounds as though you’re relationship wasn’t 100% if he was shutting you out, if you really analyse it, was it as good as you’re feeling it was now or might you be better off in the long run? Was it purely his mental health or were there aspects that were just parts of his personality?
I do believe you have to work at a relationship but you shouldn’t have to fight Tooth and nail for it. My point is that it will get better Than it is now. And you might find it gets better than its ever been. Either way, you won’t be with a man that doesn’t want you 100%. There’s a cheesy meme that says ‘remember when you wanted everything you’ve now got’ - that happens. I’m under no illusion it’s guaranteed to last forever but we all deserve it for a little while. You’ve got exciting times ahead of you. Maybe some mistakes and bad dates but it’s going to be fun!
Big hugs to you.

I'm so glad you found happiness.

I agree, looking back on the relationship there were times I felt intense anxiety because of his behaviour. He would sometimes give me the silent treatment and it would really affect me. Our relationship had great highs and shit lows so being honest, in six months I'll probably be looking back feeling glad he ended it.

Right now I still love him so it's hard to imagine life without him. I've been struggling all day today, crying on and off. I've been through this before with another guy and know I can get through heart break, it's just so so difficult.

It's one day at a time. I'm trying to keep insanely busy to keep me going.

Thank you so much.

 

[User_name_100]

My partner/boyfriend of two years split with me last week suddenly. He stated that he just can't handle a relationship due to his mental health problems. He suffers with depression and anxiety and we have had some ups and downs over the two years because of this and the fact he seems to run away from his problems and shut me out. He admitted he isn't ready for a relationship.

The split came suddenly and the day before we had been talking about me potentially moving to be with him.

I'm heartbroken, and just feel so, so sad. I obviously still love him but feel so hurt. He admitted yesterday in a text that he had been thinking of splitting with me for the past three months but couldn't find the right time to, this just felt like salt in the wound and really hurtful. I'm angry yet incredibly sad.

I've asked if there's another woman involved and he's said no. Now I know sometimes this can be the case but my heart is telling me that's not the reason.

Does anyone else have any hope or advice? Or even just a handhold? I feel broken and like I'll never recover.

Thank you.

 

[xx3221]

To the ladies recently commenting on this thread - almost two years ago i split up with my ex of almost 5 years. He was my everything - it was very, very toxic but he was my everything. We split up and within around ten days he was in another relationship. I never saw myself getting over it, i never ever thought i would be okay again but im now the most okay ive ever been and so glad that he is out of my life. It does get better, allow yourself to cry, feel what you need to feel, but just remember that it will pass

 

[Raininvain]

Dont bother with being a friend just move on, it will be easier for you. Just be thankful you don't have kids with him, married with a home etc. You have been very lucky to get out now. You will totally forget him believe me in time.

 

[OutrageouslyScarlet]

I’ve only really had one bad break up and it literally broke me. I did not cope well at all. My only advice is find support in good friends. And keep yourself occupied as all you are going to do for the next few weeks in analyse everything that was said and done to try and make sense of it. So keep your mind busy as much as you can.
Try and rebuild yourself and find small things to look forward to.
I got back with that ex last year after 5 years apart so clearly I’m a glutton for punishment!

 

[GirlLondon]

I'm sorry that you feel this way. Break ups suck and are the worst.
You say you are angry that he kept this from you for 3 months. Well, imagine how it would have been if he had broken up with you AFTER you moved in. And the man has mental health issues. I would say, destiny does not want you to have moved in with him and deal with his depression. You were made for better things than this! Your life is far from over my dear. A year from now, you're going to look back on this and cringe and laugh.
I dated a guy for a year and was stupid enough to give up my job and move in with him. Not long after, I found out he was texting other girls and his exes in particular. He was angry that I had found him out and tried blaming me. So back home I went with suitcases in tears and he sent over my things a week later. I lost a stone in weight. I could not eat, sleep, or even drink water. I chose to save myself and to swim rather than sink. It took me about a year to get over it.
Now is the time to focus on you. There mist be things you've always wanted to do/ places you want to go/ personal things you want to achieve on your own? I understand there's limited travel now and it is unsafe etc. Make a list of thing you want to do for yourself??
You are not finished! Your life is just beginning! Think of this as a lucky escape/ a second chance in life/ a new beginning!

 

[under the ivy]

Time is a great healer. I’m 5 months on from being broken up with. I’m not 100% over it but I’m in a much better place. Things that have helped me are keeping busy, listening to my mental health when I’m having a bad day and resting and trying not to focus on the ‘what ifs’. It’s horrible I know.
Really use this time to focus on yourself - be selfish. You deserve it. Take care

 

[User_name_100]

Thank you. My ex gave me massive anxiety too. If I'm honest, I think he made me feel unhappy more often than he made me feel happy for the last year.

I just wanted to add...
About 5 months down the line he had a bit of a breakdown. He'd made a mistake, wanted me back, (after blocking me & being vicious) marriage & kids etc realised all he'd done, hated himself, allegedly broke off the other girl. I said we could be friends, maybe in time I could see he'd changed and forgive, but I wasn't staring over just like that.
I'd just started casually seeing the new man. The ex said we couldn't be friends if I continued to do so. I was just feeling strong enough to not give into him so that was that..... Of course he 'got back' with the other girl.... And actually we are 'friends' now in passing.
If I'd have let him still dictate to me I wouldn't be where I am now. Very likely I'd have had neither him nor my new partner and been another year wasted. Only you know what's best but once you make the break, please don't let old habits draw you back. Stay strong xx

Thank you.

Yes, I asked my now ex if there was any chance for another go in the future when he first split with me (I wish I didn't ask it but I was feeling really shocked) and he said I don't know which makes me think he might pop up sometime in the future. I'm going to take it as it comes, I'm not going to sit around waiting for him and who knows what might happen in the future but right now I am concentrating on healing and moving on. I will probably find I don't want him back if he does pop up again.

We both agreed we wanted to be friends but right now I'm taking time out and doing the thirty day no contact thing. I don't think it would be good to be in contact with him right now whilst I'm still massively hurting from it all. I will decide after thirty days whether I want to establish a friendship but right now I don't know.

I’m so sad for you and I wish I had something to make it better. All I know is we respond differently to this and I think it’s great that you’re expressing all those emotions rather than bottling them away. Personally I think it will be for the best- if he’s not ready and has wasted 3 months of your life manning up to tell you the truth then he isn’t the right person. You deserve someone who loves you completely and can be honest with you to protect your wellbeing. The other thing I do know is that you will recover. It’ll take time and there’s no limit on that but one day you’ll remember that you’re a strong woman and that you deserve better. I hope that day comes quickly for you. Sending hope and love to you fellow Tattler.

Thank you so much.

Yes I'm angry at his reveal that he was waiting for three months to tell me. That fact has got me raging because I wished he had said something three months ago, I would have been well on to healing by now and wouldn't have wasted those extra months on something that wasn't working in his eyes.

Yes time heals all wounds, I can't stop repeating that over and over at the moment. I really want to get to the day where I feel indifferent towards him. I cannot wait. That's what is keeping me going right now.

 

[MrsInfortheNose]

My partner split with me after 7 years. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It sounds dramatic but I honestly couldn’t function. I didn’t even know who I was without him. I knew it hadn’t been great but thought we could work it out. He just wanted to throw it away, throw me away.
I don’t believe she was a factor but he soon got with someone else. Well of course that pushed me off the rails. I felt that I’d given him my best years, my fertility even and he’d just moved on to a younger woman with a child leaving me a spinster.
Still, with time, I sorted my shit out. A turning point was sitting in a room with a load of people I’d usually cross the street to avoid who were all off their faces trying to suppress their own personal pain and I thought ‘what the hell am I doing here?!’

I’m now with the most wonderful man who tells me he loves me every day, compliments me all the time, 2 things my ex did Maybe once a year, believes in and supports me and wants to be a team; we’re expecting our first child.
I realise now how much I had my head in the sand and said ‘oh that’s just him’ about my ex’s shortcomings because I loved him but I was also comfortable. I didn’t want to start again. I was picking the devil I knew and selling myself so short. We got on amazingly and he made me laugh but that’s not a life partner, that was a mate I just wouldn’t admit it. It sounds as though you’re relationship wasn’t 100% if he was shutting you out, if you really analyse it, was it as good as you’re feeling it was now or might you be better off in the long run? Was it purely his mental health or were there aspects that were just parts of his personality?
I do believe you have to work at a relationship but you shouldn’t have to fight Tooth and nail for it. My point is that it will get better Than it is now. And you might find it gets better than its ever been. Either way, you won’t be with a man that doesn’t want you 100%. There’s a cheesy meme that says ‘remember when you wanted everything you’ve now got’ - that happens. I’m under no illusion it’s guaranteed to last forever but we all deserve it for a little while. You’ve got exciting times ahead of you. Maybe some mistakes and bad dates but it’s going to be fun!
Big hugs to you.

I have come across this post today and it’s given me some reassurance for what I’m currently going through. So thank you

 

[Upintheair83]

Oh my god thank you so much for your lovely replies. Crying as I'm reading them.

I suppose I'm missing more the future plans for us. I always thought he was 'the one' I would settle down with, marry etc. It feels like the dream has been cruelly snatched away. I'm mid 30s and have done the really rubbish relationships when I was in my 20s so thought this was it, this was the man I'd settle down with.

I'm angry that he has been sitting on this for three months, where we've been making plans for our future and then I'm really sad at the same time. I'm just bereft that he's been waiting for three months to say something. I feel stupid.

Thank you so much for letting me write. It feels good to get my feelings out.

Awwwww hun. Iv been there and it’s horrible and so I really feel for you. All I can say is allow yourself to feel this way, feel these things and let them come and go.
I know it’s cliche but in time these feelings will go and you will start to feel abit better.
I reckon something really amazing is waiting for you.
Try and do things that make you feel happy, and always remember your worth.
sending you lots of love xx

My partner split with me after 7 years. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It sounds dramatic but I honestly couldn’t function. I didn’t even know who I was without him. I knew it hadn’t been great but thought we could work it out. He just wanted to throw it away, throw me away.
I don’t believe she was a factor but he soon got with someone else. Well of course that pushed me off the rails. I felt that I’d given him my best years, my fertility even and he’d just moved on to a younger woman with a child leaving me a spinster.
Still, with time, I sorted my shit out. A turning point was sitting in a room with a load of people I’d usually cross the street to avoid who were all off their faces trying to suppress their own personal pain and I thought ‘what the hell am I doing here?!’

I’m now with the most wonderful man who tells me he loves me every day, compliments me all the time, 2 things my ex did Maybe once a year, believes in and supports me and wants to be a team; we’re expecting our first child.
I realise now how much I had my head in the sand and said ‘oh that’s just him’ about my ex’s shortcomings because I loved him but I was also comfortable. I didn’t want to start again. I was picking the devil I knew and selling myself so short. We got on amazingly and he made me laugh but that’s not a life partner, that was a mate I just wouldn’t admit it. It sounds as though you’re relationship wasn’t 100% if he was shutting you out, if you really analyse it, was it as good as you’re feeling it was now or might you be better off in the long run? Was it purely his mental health or were there aspects that were just parts of his personality?
I do believe you have to work at a relationship but you shouldn’t have to fight Tooth and nail for it. My point is that it will get better Than it is now. And you might find it gets better than its ever been. Either way, you won’t be with a man that doesn’t want you 100%. There’s a cheesy meme that says ‘remember when you wanted everything you’ve now got’ - that happens. I’m under no illusion it’s guaranteed to last forever but we all deserve it for a little while. You’ve got exciting times ahead of you. Maybe some mistakes and bad dates but it’s going to be fun!
Big hugs to you.

I love this. so eloquently put. I’m so happy you got your happy ending. I’m sure OP will too.
Heartbreak is the worst but times do get better. Xxx

 

[ThePowderMonkey]

My partner/boyfriend of two years split with me last week suddenly. He stated that he just can't handle a relationship due to his mental health problems. He suffers with depression and anxiety and we have had some ups and downs over the two years because of this and the fact he seems to run away from his problems and shut me out. He admitted he isn't ready for a relationship.

The split came suddenly and the day before we had been talking about me potentially moving to be with him.

I'm heartbroken, and just feel so, so sad. I obviously still love him but feel so hurt. He admitted yesterday in a text that he had been thinking of splitting with me for the past three months but couldn't find the right time to, this just felt like salt in the wound and really hurtful. I'm angry yet incredibly sad.

I've asked if there's another woman involved and he's said no. Now I know sometimes this can be the case but my heart is telling me that's not the reason.

Does anyone else have any hope or advice? Or even just a handhold? I feel broken and like I'll never recover.

Thank you.

Heartbreak is the worst. It takes over your life completely and you can’t function. I have been there. There’s no quick fix unfortunately but you won’t always feel this bad. Time really is a healer.

 

[C2000]

My partner/boyfriend of two years split with me last week suddenly. He stated that he just can't handle a relationship due to his mental health problems. He suffers with depression and anxiety and we have had some ups and downs over the two years because of this and the fact he seems to run away from his problems and shut me out. He admitted he isn't ready for a relationship.

The split came suddenly and the day before we had been talking about me potentially moving to be with him.

I'm heartbroken, and just feel so, so sad. I obviously still love him but feel so hurt. He admitted yesterday in a text that he had been thinking of splitting with me for the past three months but couldn't find the right time to, this just felt like salt in the wound and really hurtful. I'm angry yet incredibly sad.

I've asked if there's another woman involved and he's said no. Now I know sometimes this can be the case but my heart is telling me that's not the reason.

Does anyone else have any hope or advice? Or even just a handhold? I feel broken and like I'll never recover.

Thank you.

Im sorry to hear what you are going thought. Time is the best healer and this is probably not what you want to hear.

focus on you
Invest in you

every thing else will fall into place

 

[Sunflower91]

Sending you some love
For now- you do what you need to do. Rage and be angry, let it all out here if it helps. Or write a letter and burn it. Have a good cry and then eat a pint of ice cream. Whatever you need. Because you are important and you are allowed to feel all of this. Having the rug pulled beneath your feet hurts like hell. But someday you will feel better and the hurt goes away. And my dms are always open if you want a good vent.