Having a Baby Alone When Married

[nik1231]

A bit of a personal one, but I'd love to know people's opinions, and any advice as well...

A bit of context...I'm 37 F and hubbie is 41. Been married 9 years, and have talked about wanting to start a family over the years but timing has never been right...not finanically stable or wanted to get healthier or covid. After a recent move to the UK after living abroad, I am ready to start a family and aware that the clock is ticking for me. Hubbie said he was ready, but is also struggling with depression since we returned and has now asked for a few months to sort himself out. Our relationship has also been a bit of a roller coaster lately too, not to the point where we are anywhere near divorce talk, but we're not our happiest right now either.

I feel like we have put it back and put it back, and I'm reluctant to do it again because I don't see my hubbie taking big enough steps to sort himself out. He has anti-depressants but is still drinking regularly, eating crap, not making any effort to make friends, etc. I'm so worried I'm going to keep waiting and my chance to have a family will pass me by.

So I'm now wondering whether to seek advice about going it alone, or do I wait for him to be ready? Any advice or similar experiences would be appreciated!

 

[HoGi]

If you do "go it alone" are you talking about ending the relationship? Or would you still be together but seek IVF via donor or similar?

 

[nik1231]

If you do "go it alone" are you talking about ending the relationship? Or would you still be together but seek IVF via donor or similar?

I don’t want to end the relationship, not at this point at least. I just also don’t want to wait for him to be ready any longer when I am ready and time is ticking. So I guess stay together and seek IVF donor at this point.

 

[HoGi]

I don’t want to end the relationship, not at this point at least. I just also don’t want to wait for him to be ready any longer when I am ready and time is ticking. So I guess stay together and seek IVF donor at this point.

In that case it isn't really going alone then? It would be a huge impact to his life. I think you need to talk to him as going for donor IVF when you are still in a relationship with him seems really selfish.

How would you fund the IVF?
How would you support yourself whilst on maternity pay etc? It is unlikely you would still be bringing in enough to cover your proportion of your household bills, so would he be picking up the slack?
What about going back to work? How would childcare work and who would fund this?

You might have thousands in the bank and be the main breadwinner and be able to afford to go back to work full time and pay for full time nursery without his input etc. Which if so, good luck to you. But I think you still need to have a serious chat with him.

Otherwise he would have to financially support you and another man's child... and if he isn't ready for his own child what makes you think he would be ready for an IVF donor child to come into his life?

 

[Blond3g1rl]

Honestly, I think you are mad.

 

[yankydoo]

I think if you want to have a baby alone then you will have to end the relationship. I just cannot see how having another man's baby will slot into your marriage.

I personally think that if you husband is still unsure, that won't change anytime soon. He has had plenty of time to make the decision whilst being married to you.

I therefore think you have weigh up whether staying married to him but childless is the better option or to walk away and have a baby on your own.

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Serious chat time I’m afraid. If having children is a deal breaker for you then you need to be direct and set a parameter. Either we have children in the next year or we need to discuss what the future for us will be. Find out what his objections are to having children are. If you are very clear about wanting kids, but he isn’t wanting them then I imagine he must be feeling quite anxious or depressed about sharing this with you.

In short your options are:
Stay childless but grow resentful of missing out on having your own children

Or,

Separate and have a child on your own.

Having IVF and having a child on your own is not going to make for a happy marriage. He will resent that child and that’s not fair on any of you.

 

[Its_Me]

It’s complicated and you wouldn’t legally be allowed to do it alone if you’re married. HFEA are very strict around this even if you’re separated/going through a divorce they will be able to take your eggs and make embryos with donor sperm and you could freeze them but they won’t do a transfer without your husbands permission and he will have to be the other legal parent as long as you are married.

If you want to stay with him and you think he might straighten himself out soon enough perhaps just freezing your eggs for now is a better option? It will give you a bit of peace of mind on the clock ticking and you can later use them either with your husband or a sperm donor if you decide to split?

 

[Norfolking Good]

If your husband is having MH issues a baby is a massive stress on a relationship so could you not wait until he is in a better space? As another poster said using donor sperm whilst still married is going to cause all manner of issues with him potentially feeling he isn’t needed or wanted….
This seems a very difficult situation and you have my sympathy but this needs a lot of honest conversation which only you two can have. If he has decided against having children then only you can decide where that goes with your relationship. Best of luck

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

If he doesn’t want children and you do then I think you need to end it. If he is 41 and doesn’t want them now I can’t really see him changing his mind. I’d be surprised if he did

a baby could make his mental health worse. Please don’t think having a baby to fix things. It’s unfair to bring a baby into the world if the two parents aren’t happy / don’t agree they want one.
how would he feel if you had a baby with a sperm donor. I’m not sure it would go down well
Like someone else said above you’d grow to resent him if you choose to stay and not have children, if you really want a baby.

 

[YetAnotherObsessionx]

Babies are hard for everyone, even people who are happy and mentally stable.

Put aside what you want, and what he wants for a moment, and consider whether a child would want to enter a family who weren't 100% in agreement about adding a third person into their household. A baby might be a baby, but they will grow up and be aware of any conflict between their parents. Someone said this to me, as an adult: 'would you have wanted to be brought up by them, if it was up to you?'. It's a harsh reality, a difficult conversation, but this is the biggest decision you'll ever make. Good luck with whatever you choose to do

 

[JoeBloggs]

By having a baby via a doner by staying married you are effectively forcing him to have a child, what do you expect him to do - ignore it?

I think the reality is, is having a child more important to you than your marriage? There is no right or wrong answer but I do not think you can have both. IMO your options are, you leave the marriage and have a baby or you give up on having a baby and stay in your marriage.

My husband has MH issues, and while we don't want kids, if we did I couldn't do that to him.

 

[Codiaeum]

If having a baby is a deal breaker for you, and you want to choose the baby, you will need to end it, I'm afraid. Babys are hard work and tough on mentally healthy adults in solid relationships - one partner struggling already and effectively communicating to you that they do not think they could be a good parent in the current state is all the signs you need from them that this would likely not end well.

Also - the IVF part: if you were to stay together, how would your husband react to a child that you knowingly created and brought into your family without his consent? How do paternity laws factor in here?

There's nothing wrong with wanting a baby, same as not wanting them or having one while single. If that is what you want to do, you have my fullest respect, as it is hard. But I think you need to be clear about what you want to do with your marriage.

 

[judgejohndeed]

When you say in the past there were other reasons - did that come from him by any chance? Saying he needs ‘a few months’ to sort his MH is odd for two reasons, first because who knows how long that will take, but second because if he really thinks he just needs a few months surely you’d start trying now anyway. It doesn’t happen immediately for lots of people, some are trying for years. It doesn’t sound like he really wants kids to be honest and if you do then sadly you are not compatible but waiting around years more for him to change his mind/be ‘ready’ isn’t a good idea as the longer you leave it the more you might struggle to conceive/it might end up impossible for you.

 

[LaBlonde]

think about it from his pov. he doesn’t want children, he has told you this. you are considering having a child that is not biologically is and then bringing that child into your home even though you know he doesn’t want to have a baby/child around. this is madness.

op, if this is a dealbreaker for you then you need to walk away. what you’re considering will only cause pain for you, him and the potential child.

 

[Joannabloggs]

I have to question your commitment to your husband. You say your relationship is tough ATM due to his mental health issues but what makes you think adding a baby to the mix, potentially one who is not biologically his, will help his mental health and your marriage. Additionally if you have this baby your husband isn't working and you will no doubt have to go on maternity leave for at least some months, how do you expect to afford this baby?

By you think you can have your cake and eat it by potentially having a sperms donors baby and keep your marriage intact shows me that much like your husband you are not ready to have a child ATM. What you are proposing is selfish and is not in the best interests of your propespective child nor you or your husband. Your marriage does not sound like its in the best situation so regardless of whether your husband is the bio dad or not, a child will make your marriage worse. If you intend on staying married to this man, you cannot have a baby in the near future.

If you bring a child into the world in such a dysfunctional situation, do not be surprised if that child grows to resent you as well as you potentially resenting them for the sacrifices you've had to make to bring them into the world

Really and truly I think both you and your husband need counselling together and separately before any child is created. Talking your situation through to a professional could give you the clarity that a tattle forum cannot

 

[Web30]

I think if your going to have a child it should be together, you don't know how he would take to a baby that wasn't his.

 

[YetAnotherObsessionx]

Really and truly I think both you and your husband need counselling together and separately before any child is created

THIS. You need the opinion of a third party who knows the full picture, and isn't emotionally attached to either of you. If there is ever going to be a future child, you need to go into that situation with your eyes wide open to ALL that it will entail, for the rest of your life.

 

[maytoseptember]

He's 41. If he hasn't been ready for a baby at any point during the last nine years, I honestly can't see him changing his mind. He's been stringing you along with excuses for too long. And lots of men do this! Some even wait for their partner to be too old to conceive naturally before ditching them for a younger woman and quickly having a couple of kids...

You need to ask yourself what you want. If having children is a dealbreaker then you need to split up. Whether you then jump headlong into a new relationship and get pregnant ASAP (which is pretty unwise let's be honest - being desperate for a baby is a terrible start to a new relationship) or pursue single motherhood with a donor (also fraught with difficulties) is up to you, but PLEASE also think about the potential baby in all this.

Getting pregnant via a donor but expecting to stay married is just insane and I don't know why the thought has even crossed your mind.

 

[TheGlossy]

Your husband is depressed with drinking issues and you want to bring a child into this environment? A child that you will impose on him because you want to do it “alone”? Have you thought about how this would impact the child?! Brought into an environment where one parent is coping with their issues and is not 100% wanted by them?

It’s quite a selfish move if you ask me. Your husband isn’t bound to get any better if you do this.