Getting closure from ex

[Londoncailín]

From my experience, looking for closure from an ex is asking for trouble. Especially if your mental health is already fragile. Why do you need to ask him for it? Putting yourself out there, just for him to give some lame excuse that will hurt you even further. The reality is, you won’t get ‘closure’ from every relationship. Some people just aren’t worth the bother. Get closure from within yourself instead. Put your mental health first. Don’t let someone else control your emotions like that.

 

[Raininvain]

Also OP dont meet up with him again under any circumstances at all otherwise you're never going to be able to move on.x

 

[Bae56]

Asking for closure could be like going through the break up all over again & set you back. He might not say anything that will definitively close it all off, it could give you more questions than answers. You could end up upset or angry or he might not have any answers at all, putting you back to square one.

I had a long term relationship end abruptly. I bent over backwards for him. No argument, no answers, explanation. He walked out & refused to speak to me. It badly affected my mental & physical health. Months later he tried to come back, claiming not know why he done it. The cheek of it. It was too late. The time apart helped me move on & it was only after that I realised I didn't need or want explanation. If it have been a month prior, I was such a mess I would've stupidly had him back in a heartbeat and would've hounded him for answers.

Time is your best friend here. You should know where you stand and why a relationships over. If he didn't tell you what you needed to know at the end of your relationship then there's probably nothing he can say that would give you closure. As hard as it is when you go over everything in your head to the point you end up doubting yourself, you'll soon not be interested. Anything he has to say becomes meaningless.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Stop looking for closure and move on. You won’t get an answer and you’ll feel even worse!!

 

[Raininvain]

Forget him, people dont often tell the total truth anyway and he might not even know himself. What good will it do someone telling you what they perceive your faults to be or issues or whatever? You know yourself, if theres anything you need to work on if at all. It didn't work out that's enough for anyone. Try and focus on other things.

 

[watermelon sugar]

I've only had 2 boyfriends, the one I am with now and have my baby to - and my ex i was with for 6 years. We were on and off all the time, mainly him ending it with me.

I'd always always go back looking for closure, wondering why it ended, what I had done wrong. I totally understand why you would want that closure. It's hard to just let things go if you've spent so much time with someone, it's a part of you wanting to know what went wrong and why. I agree it is asking for trouble but you don't see that till you're over it.

I was always hung up over my ex, thinking he was the love of my life, blaming myself, constantly wondering why. Then gradually as time went on I forgot about it - things starting looking up, I eventually starting getting over it and bam out of nowhere I met my fella that I'm with now. And I couldnt care less about my ex and the closure we never got

Just hang in there, you'll eventually snap out of needing the closure its best to keep yourself busy which i know is hard because of covid & lockdown but I promise you're own state of mind will be better if you didn't get that closure and you'll look back one day and be glad you didn't even bother.

All the vest xxx

 

[under the ivy]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your replies and advice. I’ve been strong and haven’t contacted him to ask to chat re: closure because this is tough time of year for me (never been a fan of christmas) and I’m absolutely dreading thinking about Christmas Day and New Year as we always spent it together so this year is going to be very different! Luckily I have family who I’ll be spending it with.

I’m very busy with my work, studying to gain a PhD so that keeps me occupied. But thoughts of him creep in at the most random times like a few posters have said - I was hoovering earlier and thought of him, weird!

I wasn’t expecting my healing to be linear and easy. I have good and bad days. On the bad days I want to speak to him, scream at him, text him. On the good days I think how independent and strong I am. Hopefully I’ll have more good days than bad in the future.

I don’t think I will seek closure from him, but I’m very aware that I have some belongings at his house which is playing on my mind (clothes mainly). I would like these back but not sure how to approach it. And tbh, I’m thinking they’re just clothes that are replaceable and not important in the grand scheme of things.

Thanks again xx

 

[Mayday]

I don't think its worth seeking closure to be honest. I have a feeling you will just end up more disappointed than before you met up with him again, as me might not even give you a specific reason for the break up or plan for moving forward. I read a quote once that said “People don’t leave relationships because of their reasons. They leave because they choose to leave.” and I think thats really true - yes people can give you reasons on what went wrong or why you're not a good fit, but it doesn't achieve much. The outcome would still be the same.

I think you'd be better off focusing on yourself and putting yourself first. Have zoom hang outs with friends, take up a new hobby, rediscover things you hadn't had time for before or had missed out on. Eventually you'll find closure in letting go and getting your confidence back - without necessarily having to speak to him.

 

[LucilleBluth]

I agree with what everyone else has said. It sucks, but closure is a myth, in my humble opinion.

OP, sending you all the good vibes in the world. One day this will all be a distant memory and you’ll be so much happier. When I had my absolutely devastating breakup, a couple of books were my absolute bibles: Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott and It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Ahrendt. Highly recommend!

As an aside, it’s actually a bit emotional for me to read all this stuff - I also had a pre lockdown breakup and I swear to God I’m the only person in my extended social circle to ever get dumped so while I’m sad for everyone else here who’s been through it, it makes me feel way more normal! It was my second ‘big’ breakup so I knew the drill and did all the right things during lockdown: therapy, exercise, feeling feelings but also taking charge of my mental health and and also got a new job and new flat and new car. Dated a few guys and was feeling good and almost recovered from it but this month I can. not. stop. thinking about him. I think it’s lockdown and all the engagement and new baby announcements I keep getting from my friends, maybe? I’m praying the universe will reunite us but I know that if I reach out it’ll only end in (my) tears. Anyone else had that, where you think you’re well over someone and then months later it all comes flooding back? I’m sure it’ll pass and I have to put in the effort to at least try to change my thought patterns but it’s so hard.

And @Upintheair83, your post gave me hope as our situations sound relatively similar, so thank you

 

[toffeejelly]

I went through similar where my ex finished with me at the start of lockdown. For weeks on end, I went over and over in my head as to what the reason could have been and felt like I didn't get any closure at all.

Fast forward months down the line and I actually bumped into the girl he was with before me in a pub. We got chatting and it turns out he did the exact same thing to her. Asked her to move in, then basically texted her and finished it. That was all the closure I needed.

Agree with the others in that time is your best healer here. You will get there in time, I promise.

 

[Bellaboo83]

Aw I remember your thread before you met him in Sept.... Did you guys decide not to meet up again after that or did he disappear?

What do you think he might be able to say to give you that closure you need? Is it possible you are looking to reach out to him because you miss him and are telling yourself it is for closure? (I've been there myself )

Sometimes there isn't anything he or anyone else can say to make it better, you have to allow yourself the time to grieve and then close the chapter yourself

Meeting him or talking again will just waken your feelings once more and make it even more difficult to move forward.

Maybe you could write to him, pour your absolute heart out in the letter, let it make you cry, say everything you need to in it. And then take it out into your garden and set fire to it, there is something quite symbolic in that and getting your words out of your head and into writing will help your brain process it further.

Hope you're okay, getting over a break up is so hard, especially during these crazy times in lockdowns and isolations xxx

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Sometimes you just have to accept that you don’t have a reason, this isn’t a reflection on you, it’s them. I’m sure you’ve ran over it in your mind a thousand times, I’ve been there, but if you can change your mindset to ‘fuck it, it’s their choice’ you’ll start to move on.
Fresh start for 2021 and a better year.

 

[Upintheair83]

Awwww I really feel for you. Iv been there too, so I could not just keep scrolling and not post. But your post really hit a nerve as it brings up one of my most painful times.
However I wasn’t lucky enough to even be able to meet up with my ex, he literally just stopped all contact with me (after 6 years) Like I didn’t exist. Completely and utterly ghosted me in the worst way.
And so I had to really dig deep in order to come to terms with it, there are no magic answers and one thing I realised is that you aren’t always going to get an explanation or answers or even an apology. I spent, if I’m honest, years getting over him. But you have to find it within yourself to do. I remember hitting rock bottom, crying on the kitchen floor on NYE wondering why after months of no contact why he couldn’t even text me happy new year- but then why would he? He had made his mind up months ago and if he really wanted me I would have known about it. His silence showed me everything. What was the point of me trying to get into contact? Or hoping he would?
As the time went on I found going for walks and mediation helped me, I was kind to myself and I would do things I enjoyed, i focused on health and fitness and I would treat myself to things and surround myself in good things and either good people. I started to realise that IT wasn’t me, there wasn’t anything wrong with me- he just didn’t want me for whatever reason. But as I learnt that I also learnt that no matter how much I loved him, he wasn’t actually that good for me. We didn’t really match and I started to change my perspective- that he had done me a favour and in the process he had made me so much stronger.
During this time I didn’t realise I had an admirer at work, a guy who I always thought was cute but my feelings for my ex had kinda made me never look at anyone else like that in a serious way. I must have been giving off some sort of vibes because I was actually so happy around this time, I was strong and I was enjoying life.
Fast forward 5 years later- I’m with that guy at work and we are expecting our first baby. He treats me like a queen and I can honestly say Iv never been happier. I got the happy ending I had always wanted.
My ex would never have treated me like my partner does, he would have never made me happy. It just took me years to get there.
If I’m 100% totally honest now and then I see my ex with his new gf and i do wonder what she had that I didn’t, But it doesn’t go much further than that, I actually wish him well, he had a lot of issues and I’m glad it’s not me sorting them all out! Ironically he did call me years later asking for advice from me! In regards to his gf!!! She had cheated on him and got pregnant by some other guy. Karma right there. But I didn’t gloat I gave my advice and off he went. He did say something about he stopped talking to me because if he had carried on we would never have ended it, I wouldn’t have give up. I often wonder if he was right? Did he do me a favour? Was he right not giving me closure there and then? But I wouldn’t have changed my journey for the world, it made me strong and I felt like I truly became a better person and things just slotted into place.
Some people aren’t right for you, but it’s up to you to find your own closure and your own path. only you have your best interests at heart- so treat yourself well, you will be surprised how strong you are if you keep working at it.
I wouldn’t go to him and ask for closure I thunk his simply you just missing him and hoping some sort of contact will bring him back. I know because Iv been there. But please you are worth so much more and in time you will find out for yourself. He doesn’t deserve you at all.
Good luck to you and keep going. You are going to be fine xxxxx
Much love xx

 

[Sunflower91]

I’ve definitely been here - I’ve started to think that closure on a relationship is a myth. Being able to move on is the goal, especially when the answer to “why did it end” probably opens more questions than it answers. What would knowing more about the reasons behind it do to help you?

 

[Upintheair83]

I agree with what everyone else has said. It sucks, but closure is a myth, in my humble opinion.

OP, sending you all the good vibes in the world. One day this will all be a distant memory and you’ll be so much happier. When I had my absolutely devastating breakup, a couple of books were my absolute bibles: Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott and It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Ahrendt. Highly recommend!

As an aside, it’s actually a bit emotional for me to read all this stuff - I also had a pre lockdown breakup and I swear to God I’m the only person in my extended social circle to ever get dumped so while I’m sad for everyone else here who’s been through it, it makes me feel way more normal! It was my second ‘big’ breakup so I knew the drill and did all the right things during lockdown: therapy, exercise, feeling feelings but also taking charge of my mental health and and also got a new job and new flat and new car. Dated a few guys and was feeling good and almost recovered from it but this month I can. not. stop. thinking about him. I think it’s lockdown and all the engagement and new baby announcements I keep getting from my friends, maybe? I’m praying the universe will reunite us but I know that if I reach out it’ll only end in (my) tears. Anyone else had that, where you think you’re well over someone and then months later it all comes flooding back? I’m sure it’ll pass and I have to put in the effort to at least try to change my thought patterns but it’s so hard.

And @Upintheair83, your post gave me hope as our situations sound relatively similar, so thank you

Oh hun I’m sorry to hear you are going through all of that. I know how hard break ups can be and how it’s almost unfathomable to understand how people can treat you.
I struggled for years to get over my ex, it was hard work but the more I busied my mind and bettered myself the more self love I had and I truly knew my worth. And as silly as it sounds I think it shows on the outside and you attract similar people. It was a journey really and it’s something that you grow through. I got to the point where I realised I would never ever get an apology from him, and I accepted that. But as I mentioned years later he did contact me and explain himself which was a massive thing. But by that point I didn’t need it if that makes sense as I had made peace with it.
I also mentioned that I do still think about him, and it’s true and I would never lie about that. But its not like before, and I certainly would never want to be with him. But I suppose it’s almost a sentimental thing. I do sometimes wonder why not me? But then I truly know he would never have made me happy!
It just took me years to realise that. You will get there too.
I really hope you find some peace. Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling- don’t fight it or feel guilty. But then let it pass and focus on something else. I’m so glad you are reading things like that- it’s all about mindset. Honestly just be kind to yourself and enjoy the little things in life. I really wish you all the best, just look at how strong you have already become and how well you are doing. No man is ever worth the hurt he’s causing you and if they hurt you like that, then they aren’t for you. I promise you, you will soon find it easier. Much love hun xxxxxx

 

[under the ivy]

Hi

I’ve written on a few threads about my ex - I got dumped unexpectedly during the 1st lockdown in April. We met up in September as friends and we haven’t been in touch since. When we met up,we didn’t discuss the break-up nor did I seek closure then as it was the first time seeing him post-breakup and I was very nervous.

However the months have passed and my mental health has taken a turn for the worse thinking about how the relationship ended. I really need closure so I can move on from what happened but I don’t know how to ask him for it. He was always a very closed book with his feelings and never liked talking about them. I’m tempted to just ask him outright for closure but this would be via text due to Covid restrictions. I would prefer to do this face to face but due to being in lockdown I obviously feel uncomfortable doing this but the weeks are passing and my mental health is suffering

What are people’s advice on seeking closure from an ex?

Thanks in advance

 

[TheScarletgirl]

He's not with you because you're too good for him and deserve better. The world knew this and he knew this, you'll know it one day too. Truth. Leave it at that. I know it's easier said than done but want to echo what everyone else has said, don't meet him again.

This OP . This person was not right for you and you do deserve better . Don't be like me and years down the line wonder why you were not 'good enough' you were too good that's why it did not work .

 

[Gemgemgemgem]

He's not with you because you're too good for him and deserve better. The world knew this and he knew this, you'll know it one day too. Truth. Leave it at that. I know it's easier said than done but want to echo what everyone else has said, don't meet him again.

 

[CrackRatcher]

From my experience, looking for closure from an ex is asking for trouble. Especially if your mental health is already fragile. Why do you need to ask him for it? Putting yourself out there, just for him to give some lame excuse that will hurt you even further. The reality is, you won’t get ‘closure’ from every relationship. Some people just aren’t worth the bother. Get closure from within yourself instead. Put your mental health first. Don’t let someone else control your emotions like that.

I agree Iv tried to ‘find closure’ multiple times and your just setting yourself up for more heartbreak.. you’ll hear things you didn’t want to hear and you’ll feel things you didn’t expect to feel.. I don’t think there’s such thing as closure

 

[Leita]

Hi

Like some have already said, the reality is you probably won’t get closure from him. You may never know the reason.

But truly it’s for you mentally to give yourself the closure. Take responsibility for your own feelings - you really don’t need him to give you closure. Make a plan in your own mind to move forwards. Grieve the relationship ending, When you feel ready plan what’s next, how will you meet someone new if that’s what you want. (Online dating during Covid) Or plan to do things for yourself to fill the time. (Hobbies, walks etc)

I’ve been there and for a year wanted closure. Wanted to ask him why? But the reality was I lost a year of my life!

Edited to add. Staying friends makes the pain last longer.