Getting closure from ex

[under the ivy]

Hi

I’ve written on a few threads about my ex - I got dumped unexpectedly during the 1st lockdown in April. We met up in September as friends and we haven’t been in touch since. When we met up,we didn’t discuss the break-up nor did I seek closure then as it was the first time seeing him post-breakup and I was very nervous.

However the months have passed and my mental health has taken a turn for the worse thinking about how the relationship ended. I really need closure so I can move on from what happened but I don’t know how to ask him for it. He was always a very closed book with his feelings and never liked talking about them. I’m tempted to just ask him outright for closure but this would be via text due to Covid restrictions. I would prefer to do this face to face but due to being in lockdown I obviously feel uncomfortable doing this but the weeks are passing and my mental health is suffering

What are people’s advice on seeking closure from an ex?

Thanks in advance

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Have you tried talking via Zoom or Skype? Not quite the same as face2face, but a bit more personal than texting.

If not, how about writing an old fashioned letter inside a suitable card and post it to him, and take it from there?

With Christmas and new year coming up your emotions will become even more delicate and vulnerable until you get some form of closure, and even then it will take time to heal.

Good luck

 

[Londoncailín]

From my experience, looking for closure from an ex is asking for trouble. Especially if your mental health is already fragile. Why do you need to ask him for it? Putting yourself out there, just for him to give some lame excuse that will hurt you even further. The reality is, you won’t get ‘closure’ from every relationship. Some people just aren’t worth the bother. Get closure from within yourself instead. Put your mental health first. Don’t let someone else control your emotions like that.

 

[Bellaboo83]

Aw I remember your thread before you met him in Sept.... Did you guys decide not to meet up again after that or did he disappear?

What do you think he might be able to say to give you that closure you need? Is it possible you are looking to reach out to him because you miss him and are telling yourself it is for closure? (I've been there myself )

Sometimes there isn't anything he or anyone else can say to make it better, you have to allow yourself the time to grieve and then close the chapter yourself

Meeting him or talking again will just waken your feelings once more and make it even more difficult to move forward.

Maybe you could write to him, pour your absolute heart out in the letter, let it make you cry, say everything you need to in it. And then take it out into your garden and set fire to it, there is something quite symbolic in that and getting your words out of your head and into writing will help your brain process it further.

Hope you're okay, getting over a break up is so hard, especially during these crazy times in lockdowns and isolations xxx

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Stop looking for closure and move on. You won’t get an answer and you’ll feel even worse!!

 

[Raininvain]

Forget him, people dont often tell the total truth anyway and he might not even know himself. What good will it do someone telling you what they perceive your faults to be or issues or whatever? You know yourself, if theres anything you need to work on if at all. It didn't work out that's enough for anyone. Try and focus on other things.

 

[under the ivy]

Thanks for all your replies so far - I’m a mix of what everyone has said so far. Part of me needs answers so I can move on but part of me thinks I’m stronger than this and he shouldn’t control my emotions anymore! It’s all very confusing and a vicious cycle.

@Londoncailín and @LaurieLaurie you’ve both said what my friend said to me tonight! It’s just finding that strength inside me to think that way at the moment.

@Bellaboo83 No he dipped off the radar and I’ve been busy with work. Good idea about writing a letter then burning it. I think this time of year has reopened a lot of emotions for me.

@Bezolabub I did think about sending him a Christmas card with a note and leaving it at that. I just think that might be what he’s expecting? I’m so confused!

 

[Bellaboo83]

@Bellaboo83 No he dipped off the radar and I’ve been busy with work. Good idea about writing a letter then burning it. I think this time of year has reopened a lot of emotions for me.
!

I went through a breakup at the same time and I'm finding this time of year hard too, especially thinking about Xmas day and nye

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Sometimes you just have to accept that you don’t have a reason, this isn’t a reflection on you, it’s them. I’m sure you’ve ran over it in your mind a thousand times, I’ve been there, but if you can change your mindset to ‘duck it, it’s their choice’ you’ll start to move on.
Fresh start for 2021 and a better year.

 

[Mayday]

I don't think its worth seeking closure to be honest. I have a feeling you will just end up more disappointed than before you met up with him again, as me might not even give you a specific reason for the break up or plan for moving forward. I read a quote once that said “People don’t leave relationships because of their reasons. They leave because they choose to leave.” and I think thats really true - yes people can give you reasons on what went wrong or why you're not a good fit, but it doesn't achieve much. The outcome would still be the same.

I think you'd be better off focusing on yourself and putting yourself first. Have zoom hang outs with friends, take up a new hobby, rediscover things you hadn't had time for before or had missed out on. Eventually you'll find closure in letting go and getting your confidence back - without necessarily having to speak to him.

 

[Bae56]

Asking for closure could be like going through the break up all over again & set you back. He might not say anything that will definitively close it all off, it could give you more questions than answers. You could end up upset or angry or he might not have any answers at all, putting you back to square one.

I had a long term relationship end abruptly. I bent over backwards for him. No argument, no answers, explanation. He walked out & refused to speak to me. It badly affected my mental & physical health. Months later he tried to come back, claiming not know why he done it. The cheek of it. It was too late. The time apart helped me move on & it was only after that I realised I didn't need or want explanation. If it have been a month prior, I was such a mess I would've stupidly had him back in a heartbeat and would've hounded him for answers.

Time is your best friend here. You should know where you stand and why a relationships over. If he didn't tell you what you needed to know at the end of your relationship then there's probably nothing he can say that would give you closure. As hard as it is when you go over everything in your head to the point you end up doubting yourself, you'll soon not be interested. Anything he has to say becomes meaningless.

 

[Raininvain]

Also OP dont meet up with him again under any circumstances at all otherwise you're never going to be able to move on.x

 

[Gemgemgemgem]

He's not with you because you're too good for him and deserve better. The world knew this and he knew this, you'll know it one day too. Truth. Leave it at that. I know it's easier said than done but want to echo what everyone else has said, don't meet him again.

 

[toffeejelly]

I went through similar where my ex finished with me at the start of lockdown. For weeks on end, I went over and over in my head as to what the reason could have been and felt like I didn't get any closure at all.

Fast forward months down the line and I actually bumped into the girl he was with before me in a pub. We got chatting and it turns out he did the exact same thing to her. Asked her to move in, then basically texted her and finished it. That was all the closure I needed.

Agree with the others in that time is your best healer here. You will get there in time, I promise.

 

[Leita]

Hi

Like some have already said, the reality is you probably won’t get closure from him. You may never know the reason.

But truly it’s for you mentally to give yourself the closure. Take responsibility for your own feelings - you really don’t need him to give you closure. Make a plan in your own mind to move forwards. Grieve the relationship ending, When you feel ready plan what’s next, how will you meet someone new if that’s what you want. (Online dating during Covid) Or plan to do things for yourself to fill the time. (Hobbies, walks etc)

I’ve been there and for a year wanted closure. Wanted to ask him why? But the reality was I lost a year of my life!

Edited to add. Staying friends makes the pain last longer.

 

[Upintheair83]

Awwww I really feel for you. Iv been there too, so I could not just keep scrolling and not post. But your post really hit a nerve as it brings up one of my most painful times.
However I wasn’t lucky enough to even be able to meet up with my ex, he literally just stopped all contact with me (after 6 years) Like I didn’t exist. Completely and utterly ghosted me in the worst way.
And so I had to really dig deep in order to come to terms with it, there are no magic answers and one thing I realised is that you aren’t always going to get an explanation or answers or even an apology. I spent, if I’m honest, years getting over him. But you have to find it within yourself to do. I remember hitting rock bottom, crying on the kitchen floor on NYE wondering why after months of no contact why he couldn’t even text me happy new year- but then why would he? He had made his mind up months ago and if he really wanted me I would have known about it. His silence showed me everything. What was the point of me trying to get into contact? Or hoping he would?
As the time went on I found going for walks and mediation helped me, I was kind to myself and I would do things I enjoyed, i focused on health and fitness and I would treat myself to things and surround myself in good things and either good people. I started to realise that IT wasn’t me, there wasn’t anything wrong with me- he just didn’t want me for whatever reason. But as I learnt that I also learnt that no matter how much I loved him, he wasn’t actually that good for me. We didn’t really match and I started to change my perspective- that he had done me a favour and in the process he had made me so much stronger.
During this time I didn’t realise I had an admirer at work, a guy who I always thought was cute but my feelings for my ex had kinda made me never look at anyone else like that in a serious way. I must have been giving off some sort of vibes because I was actually so happy around this time, I was strong and I was enjoying life.
Fast forward 5 years later- I’m with that guy at work and we are expecting our first baby. He treats me like a queen and I can honestly say Iv never been happier. I got the happy ending I had always wanted.
My ex would never have treated me like my partner does, he would have never made me happy. It just took me years to get there.
If I’m 100% totally honest now and then I see my ex with his new gf and i do wonder what she had that I didn’t, But it doesn’t go much further than that, I actually wish him well, he had a lot of issues and I’m glad it’s not me sorting them all out! Ironically he did call me years later asking for advice from me! In regards to his gf!!! She had cheated on him and got pregnant by some other guy. Karma right there. But I didn’t gloat I gave my advice and off he went. He did say something about he stopped talking to me because if he had carried on we would never have ended it, I wouldn’t have give up. I often wonder if he was right? Did he do me a favour? Was he right not giving me closure there and then? But I wouldn’t have changed my journey for the world, it made me strong and I felt like I truly became a better person and things just slotted into place.
Some people aren’t right for you, but it’s up to you to find your own closure and your own path. only you have your best interests at heart- so treat yourself well, you will be surprised how strong you are if you keep working at it.
I wouldn’t go to him and ask for closure I thunk his simply you just missing him and hoping some sort of contact will bring him back. I know because Iv been there. But please you are worth so much more and in time you will find out for yourself. He doesn’t deserve you at all.
Good luck to you and keep going. You are going to be fine xxxxx
Much love xx

 

[Sunflower91]

I’ve definitely been here - I’ve started to think that closure on a relationship is a myth. Being able to move on is the goal, especially when the answer to “why did it end” probably opens more questions than it answers. What would knowing more about the reasons behind it do to help you?

 

[Cocoflowers]

As I'm going through the same thing when my relationship ended very quickly end of the july and he has ghosted me since ive known him for 13 years dated 3 times i know what your going through! Ive had some really dark times in the last few months and i still cry nearly every day ive even reached out to his family and friends.

Stay strong and take each day as it comes. Just remember it's his lost not yours x

 

[watermelon sugar]

I've only had 2 boyfriends, the one I am with now and have my baby to - and my ex i was with for 6 years. We were on and off all the time, mainly him ending it with me.

I'd always always go back looking for closure, wondering why it ended, what I had done wrong. I totally understand why you would want that closure. It's hard to just let things go if you've spent so much time with someone, it's a part of you wanting to know what went wrong and why. I agree it is asking for trouble but you don't see that till you're over it.

I was always hung up over my ex, thinking he was the love of my life, blaming myself, constantly wondering why. Then gradually as time went on I forgot about it - things starting looking up, I eventually starting getting over it and bam out of nowhere I met my fella that I'm with now. And I couldnt care less about my ex and the closure we never got

Just hang in there, you'll eventually snap out of needing the closure its best to keep yourself busy which i know is hard because of covid & lockdown but I promise you're own state of mind will be better if you didn't get that closure and you'll look back one day and be glad you didn't even bother.

All the vest xxx

 

[CrackRatcher]

From my experience, looking for closure from an ex is asking for trouble. Especially if your mental health is already fragile. Why do you need to ask him for it? Putting yourself out there, just for him to give some lame excuse that will hurt you even further. The reality is, you won’t get ‘closure’ from every relationship. Some people just aren’t worth the bother. Get closure from within yourself instead. Put your mental health first. Don’t let someone else control your emotions like that.

I agree Iv tried to ‘find closure’ multiple times and your just setting yourself up for more heartbreak.. you’ll hear things you didn’t want to hear and you’ll feel things you didn’t expect to feel.. I don’t think there’s such thing as closure