Fallen out with friend of 17 years

[rainbowlemon]

Such a long story but here is a condensed version. Friendship group of 4. I don’t get on with one girl who has been bought further into the group; she has very strong/controversial opinions. I’m a public sector employee and at the start of lockdown she was saying we should be sacrificed to keep her and her colleagues well paid city jobs going. I found comments like this insensitive. I have two small children who she also seemed happy to risk for her benefit; it felt like a kick in the teeth.

my best friend (also in the group) for some reason really sticks up for this girl, thinks she is misunderstood and always talking about her ‘kind heart’. I’m afraid I don’t see any of that. I think she’s a grade A shit stirrer who once at a party spoke to my husband for ages about how she has friends who after having babies said they loved their kids more than their partner. Then asked my husband if he loved the kids more than me. Fucked Up. I bite my tongue A LOT to not create any tension but there has been one big thing that I have struggled to get over with her and I think resentment has bubbled away beneath the surface for some time. She has consistently spoken Ill of an old school friend who has had fertility problems and multiple IVF rounds, miscarriages and a stillbirth. It’s a horrific situation which I hope I never understand - it’s a hardline for me not to bitch about someone like this - however she has consistently done just that, despite repeated requests not to. She herself has recently miscarried fairly early..... to my best friend I made a comment along the lines of ‘this is why I never liked (insert old school friends name) being talked about - you never know when you might need comfort yourself dealing these kinds of issues) - she fucking blew up at me, told me I’d bought drama to her house etc. I was gosmacked

It’s my best friends birthday on Friday and I now find that I haven’t been invited. I’m really upset as we had talked last week and resolved things to draw a line under, could move forward.

The other girl hasn’t been invited either and I guess I’m upset about the idea that we’re both being considered as bad as each other. 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

We’ve been friends a long time. 17+ years. I’m gutted. Have 2 small children and don’t have very many friends and so this group are a huge part of my life. She has been a key part of so many important events in my life so yeah. I’m gutted. Now feels like things were getting back on track and it’s derailed it again.

Am I an awful person? Should I have said nothing? I feel like a mug for all the hospitality I have shown them over the years and for how much I value the friendships when they clearly don’t have the same value to others.

Honestly you haven't done anything wrong. I had something very similar with someone who was also friends with my best friends. As painful as it is leaving the pair of them alone is the only thing I can suggest.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I would tell your friend you know about the party and hope they have a lovely time and be genuine about it. I would defintely be hurt if a good/best friend did this to me.

But on the other hand I kinda understand where your friend is coming from. I also hate drama and when you have two friends in a group who are constantly bitching about each other it becomes draining. This year has been stressful enough as is and she most probably feel that either one/both of you will “ruin” it by moaning.
What I would suggest is having your friend over and have a little celebration by yourselves. Take the opportunity to explain how you feel about “imposter friend” but promise that you will let it go and turn a blind eye to her remarks. This is if you feel you would like to keep the friendship.

It might sound harsh but I had two friends who didn’t get one and honestly they botb ended up losing the friendship group because it is really very draining when you are listening to people moan about each other. Especially of you like both

 

[Definitelyme]

it helps that someone empathises, thank you. It’s such a complex issue - children are a blessing but it’s hard work - especially so at the moment; a 1 and a 3 year old and limited places we can go/people we can see. I think that makes it hurt all the more. On two occasions I’ve been told ‘your so lucky... don’t let this upset you, enjoy your amazing life’ or words to that effect
I am grateful for my lovely husband, house, children, job etc but it’s not just luck - we create our own fortunes to a-certain degree and it doesn’t mean that children don’t have days where they don’t listen to you, or spend all day beating each other up.... it’s not all sunshine and rainbows! I only went back to work in September and had been on maternity leave since June the previous year. We’ve been together every day and although I’m so lucky , it’s doesn’t mean that sometimes I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach when it just feels like Groundhog Day. Friends are what gets you through and so I feel sad that I don’t have that support at the moment, especially when even with young kids I’ve always made sure that I’ve had time for them.

I absolutely know what you mean. I have a 7, 4 and 2 yr old and this year has been HARD. The group of friends I now have also have kids so can relate, it must be very difficult not having anyone to turn to on a bad day and say “my kids are absolute turds today and I want to sell them on eBay”

My experience was almost 8 years ago now, but I found on reflection it was always me putting the work in to the friendships. Me texting, arranging to meet up etc. And once I didn’t do that, they were all happy to let me disappear. It hurt so much that nobody “fought” for me. We had been friends for 12 years, so as with you it was a huge loss.

But it was honestly for the best for me. And I know it hurts you so much now (as it did me then, and many years were shed) but in a few years you may look back on this and think “thank fuck I got out”. A 17 year friendship is a long time, but if you’re no longer able to relate and she can’t treat you respectfully, then you deserve better friends.

I’m sorry I can’t offer any advice on what to do. But I remember so clearly how it all felt, and it’s just the most awful feeling to be left behind.

Hopefully in the next few weeks this will all sort itself out, and be a blip though.

 

[I’m telling]

Ok, this is harsh
have you considered she does not value you as a friend?
if she always defends ugly behavior and never stands by you? Yeah, she’s not your friend
That response to this is why you never judge, yeah she’s not your friend.
I'm sorry, but for friendships there is often an expiration date. And you know what happens to stuff once that date passed..

mourn the friendship. I have one, probably the best friend I ever had, stopped treating me as an equal friend. She became wealthy and took in a lady of the manor attitude. So I get it. We are still acquaintances but the strong friendship is gone. I miss it but it’s not healthy.
good luck sweetie

 

[Definitelyme]

If neither of you have been invited is she even doing anything big? Maybe because of covid she’s keeping it very small? Have the other friends been invited?

It sounds like you have a problem with the new girl (who sounds like an idiot) but if your best friend likes her, defends her, then it’s u likely she has left you both out because she thinks badly of you both. She can’t view you as “as bad as” this other girl, if she doesn’t think badly of the other girl to begin with.

Why not text or call her and arrange to do something, just the two of you, for her birthday. Take her for lunch (if you’re able to with local restrictions etc) or dinner. Sometimes it’s nice when other people offer to do that for you on your birthday instead of you having to make the plans yourself for everyone.

 

[Magee]

Don’t take it to heart, it’s probably the others who don’t realise how much you value the friendship, especially now you have children. They might understand it one day, but why waste your time trying to satisfy them when you can continue to show your friend how much her friendship means to you. Also, it sounds like the friends have planned the birthday, so not really fair to ask her why you’re not invited, she may have not had a say and now is limited by the rule of 6! X

 

[bobthedragqueen]

Such a long story but here is a condensed version. Friendship group of 4. I don’t get on with one girl who has been bought further into the group; she has very strong/controversial opinions. I’m a public sector employee and at the start of lockdown she was saying we should be sacrificed to keep her and her colleagues well paid city jobs going. I found comments like this insensitive. I have two small children who she also seemed happy to risk for her benefit; it felt like a kick in the teeth.

my best friend (also in the group) for some reason really sticks up for this girl, thinks she is misunderstood and always talking about her ‘kind heart’. I’m afraid I don’t see any of that. I think she’s a grade A shit stirrer who once at a party spoke to my husband for ages about how she has friends who after having babies said they loved their kids more than their partner. Then asked my husband if he loved the kids more than me. Fucked Up. I bite my tongue A LOT to not create any tension but there has been one big thing that I have struggled to get over with her and I think resentment has bubbled away beneath the surface for some time. She has consistently spoken Ill of an old school friend who has had fertility problems and multiple IVF rounds, miscarriages and a stillbirth. It’s a horrific situation which I hope I never understand - it’s a hardline for me not to bitch about someone like this - however she has consistently done just that, despite repeated requests not to. She herself has recently miscarried fairly early..... to my best friend I made a comment along the lines of ‘this is why I never liked (insert old school friends name) being talked about - you never know when you might need comfort yourself dealing these kinds of issues) - she fucking blew up at me, told me I’d bought drama to her house etc. I was gosmacked

It’s my best friends birthday on Friday and I now find that I haven’t been invited. I’m really upset as we had talked last week and resolved things to draw a line under, could move forward.

The other girl hasn’t been invited either and I guess I’m upset about the idea that we’re both being considered as bad as each other. 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

We’ve been friends a long time. 17+ years. I’m gutted. Have 2 small children and don’t have very many friends and so this group are a huge part of my life. She has been a key part of so many important events in my life so yeah. I’m gutted. Now feels like things were getting back on track and it’s derailed it again.

Am I an awful person? Should I have said nothing? I feel like a mug for all the hospitality I have shown them over the years and for how much I value the friendships when they clearly don’t have the same value to others.

Sorry to hear you haven't been invited to your friends birthday. I would be hurt, too. I personally think the best thing to do is to talk to your friend to get an understanding of why? It's very easy to assume and without talking to her you won't know the real reason and won't be able to rectify it or move forward.

I agree that the new girl sounds like an idiot. She doesn't sound like someone I would want to hang around with either, especially when she has been rude. Despite that, I would respect the fact that my close friends like her and not talk sh*t about her when in their company purely to avoid having a fallout with them. Have you ever spoken to this girl directly about it? It would be interesting to see if she is aware of your feelings towards her.

 

[Instagram Sham]

Don’t take it to heart, it’s probably the others who don’t realise how much you value the friendship, especially now you have children. They might understand it one day, but why waste your time trying to satisfy them when you can continue to show your friend how much her friendship means to you. Also, it sounds like the friends have planned the birthday, so not really fair to ask her why you’re not invited, she may have not had a say and now is limited by the rule of 6! X

There would only be 4 or 5 of us so rule of 6 is irrelevant. We’ve always been a tight knit group. Just need to leave it to come out in the wash I think