Fair-Weather Friends

[1001 others]

noun

1. a person whose friendship cannot be relied on in times of difficulty.

Do you have any? If so, do you keep them at arm's length or still confide in them in the hope that they might prove their value?

 

[Renata]

noun

1. a person whose friendship cannot be relied on in times of difficulty.

Do you have any? If so, do you keep them at arm's length or still confide in them in the hope that they might prove their value?

Yes - this is one of life’s biggest learnings.

As you grow you lose friends.

 

[Raininvain]

Its only when you hit a very serious crisis that you realize you are on your own more or less. You might have one person who will support you and if so you are very, very lucky. I think adjust your expectations accordingly. I'd just keep things very light with associates and friends now as I know how the world works. People tend to be interested only in themselves. I'd help someone if say there was an accident/serious emergency but apart from that I'm not doing it anymore. I'd signpost them where they can get help and support.

 

[Lollipop2123]

Yes I have a lot of these. Taking lots of time to re evaluate during the last year

 

[WilmaHun]

I have a few of these and I keep them at arms length to avoid myself feeling hurt when they don't come through when I need them. I'm an extremely private person anyway, which helps. I've always gone through life telling people only what they need to know, or only confiding in them if I know they can add value to the situation.

 

[laughing]

If you can't depend on them in the rough times, don't enjoy the good times with them.

I got rid of a couple of these people, life is better!

 

[ClockworkDolly]

I am afraid I have had my fair share of these kind of people. To be honest, I really don’t miss having friendships now, I have come to realise I am far better either on my own, or share my life with the family members I still talk to.

I have been the kind of friend in the past who has always done the ringing around, always tried to keep in touch, despite getting very little in return. My last long-standing friend fucked off last year and he sent me a strange text just before Christmas, I couldn’t work out if it was an olive branch, so I asked him, but got no reply. So that confirmed that really, I am better off without him in my life.

Making friends is really hard, no matter how old you are. Maintaining friendships is even harder.

There is another thread on here about friendships, or lack of them and it has made me realise that I’m far from alone when it comes to having little success with friendships!

 

[drewydrop]

I’ve lost a few friendships over the last couple of years, including someone I was friend’s with for over 30 years but it got to a point where it was very clear she thought her life was more important than mine as she was married and had children (none on my other friends made me feel like this) and she had no time for me. Would hardly be in touch and if we did arrange something it would have to revolve around her and what she wanted to do, and made it feel like she had to fit me in, and would always be late, couldn’t really ask her for advice as she had a way of making me feel like my life was irrelevant. I opened up to a few times when I was at my lowest and she basically made me feel like I was draining. She told other friends that she didn’t think I was happy but would do nothing to help me. I’d text her and she’d reply 2 weeks later. Would buy her kids birthday presents and her a Christmas present but wouldnt get a thank you or get anything in return when we used to always do gifts.

It got to a point where I dreaded seeing her and felt really tit after seeing her. It all came to a bit of a head when I tried to confide in her in person about something and she ignored me. I was talking and she didn’t say a word to anything I was saying and there was a very awkward silence. She text me after I left and said sorry don’t want to get involved and it made me realise that I was done. It’s hard as we have mutual friends and she even tried to talk to me after a year at a party but I couldn’t have a fake conversation with someone I was so close with from a toddler, who now is a stranger. I found out her sister was ill last year so I reached out and text her and heard nothing back, not even a thanks, which hurt but I’ve made peace with it now, we’re just different people and have different values in what we want from a friendship.

I do believe you have different friends through different stages of your life but I have no time now for people you can’t rely on or who you dread seeing or who you end up moaning about, so have lost a few of these over the last 4 years. I am lucky that I do have some very good friends and made one of my closest friends only a few years ago. We met through work and just clicked. She lives in Scotland, I’m in East Anglia but we talk everyday and I would’ve struggled a lot this past year without her.

 

[1001 others]

It is hard to let go, especially when they've been in your life for decades, but I have decided to do that with a couple recently and feel lighter for it.

One used me for advice and to do things for her; she never offered to reciprocate in any way - and if I did suggest catching up for a coffee it would always have to be at my house; strangely, I never went to hers in the 20 years we were "friends"!

Another is just very depressing and calls me to complain about everything and then finishes off by saying how it feels good to get that off her chest! Never asks how I am or offers anything from her side; it's just all one way.

 

[Renata]

I have a friend who I met before lockdown and for 30 mins she talked about herself. Non stop.

when I tried to intervene and get into a general subject she said “forget that...” and carried on.

I then told her something and she acknowledged it and that was the end of my part of the conversation.

another friend needed my help and I spent hours helping her with an issue she had. She rarely contacts me to ask how I am.will reply to my messages but doesn’t initiate contact.

I also have 2 very good friends who are listeners and I speak to each day. I would be lost without them. I feel I need to cull the others. I have outgrown them and they are needier than me. They are one sided.

 

[Gossipprinz]

I have one of these friends, we used to be super close but since I moved to the other end of England in 2019 we’ve drifted apart ever since. I think I’ve been pretty good at keeping in touch with her but feel like I’m the one always starting conversations on text with her and she sometimes won’t reply for weeks. Last time I saw her in person the conversation felt a bit uneasy and like i was treading on eggshells! I’ve not messaged her again since I got no reply to a happy xmas message.

I’m meant to be her bridesmaid in August but we haven’t spoken for 3 months now! Not sure if I should just ask her if there’s something going on, or take the hint that our friendship has grown apart and it’s up to her if she wants to tell me I’m no longer part of her wedding plans?

 

[1001 others]

I have one of these friends, we used to be super close but since I moved to the other end of England in 2019 we’ve drifted apart ever since. I think I’ve been pretty good at keeping in touch with her but feel like I’m the one always starting conversations on text with her and she sometimes won’t reply for weeks. Last time I saw her in person the conversation felt a bit uneasy and like i was treading on eggshells! I’ve not messaged her again since I got no reply to a happy xmas message.

I’m meant to be her bridesmaid in August but we haven’t spoken for 3 months now! Not sure if I should just ask her if there’s something going on, or take the hint that our friendship has grown apart and it’s up to her if she wants to tell me I’m no longer part of her wedding plans?

There is always the possibility that she didn't see your "Happy Xmas" message. I would reach out - just once - to ask if she is okay; if she doesn't respond to that then move on.

 

[Renata]

There is always the possibility that she didn't see your "Happy Xmas" message. I would reach out - just once - to ask if she is okay; if she doesn't respond to that then move on.

I would leave it. These people know what they are doing

 

[HaloGirl]

Again to echo everyone here - your friend may not have seen the message. Maybe message her once to find out so you know one way or another?
Had my fair share of fair weather friends. When the s hits the fan you know who is there for you. It can be immensely hurtful when people let you down. Certain female friends can be tricky at times!

 

[Base2019]

So glad this thread is here, I got sick last year during lockdown. I’ve learned over this past year that people will always do what suits themselves. Some people really won’t go out of their way to help you even when you so badly need it. It’s a very hard lesson to learn, but I’m glad I have. It means now that going forward I can focus on the people that really do care and not the ones that don’t and didn’t help me when I really needed them. Sounds selfish of me I know, but when how long you’re going to be around for is brought into question, you don’t be long re arranging your priorities!

 

[drewydrop]

I have one of these friends, we used to be super close but since I moved to the other end of England in 2019 we’ve drifted apart ever since. I think I’ve been pretty good at keeping in touch with her but feel like I’m the one always starting conversations on text with her and she sometimes won’t reply for weeks. Last time I saw her in person the conversation felt a bit uneasy and like i was treading on eggshells! I’ve not messaged her again since I got no reply to a happy xmas message.

I’m meant to be her bridesmaid in August but we haven’t spoken for 3 months now! Not sure if I should just ask her if there’s something going on, or take the hint that our friendship has grown apart and it’s up to her if she wants to tell me I’m no longer part of her wedding plans?

I can sometimes be really bad at replying and then if too long has passed, I find it even more difficult to reply as I feel bad for not replying straight away and leave it and leave it as don’t know what reason to give why I’ve left it so long, then feel really guilty and beat myself up for not texting and build it up into this massive thing! And then the other person texts again and it’s so much easier to reply. It’s not that I don’t want to talk, I just find it difficult sometimes if I’m in a bad headspace and my friends know this of me now so will keep trying.

If she doesn’t reply then at least it might give you a bit of closure and you know where you stand.

 

[Renata]

Yes - I have done that too. Left it too long to reply then found it hard to.

It kind of makes you think there must be a reason - if it’s important you reply.

It’s the same when dating - if he doesn’t contact you within 48 hours assume he is uninterested. When smartphones there really is no excuse as it takes 30 seconds to text.

 

[Raininvain]

I have one of these friends, we used to be super close but since I moved to the other end of England in 2019 we’ve drifted apart ever since. I think I’ve been pretty good at keeping in touch with her but feel like I’m the one always starting conversations on text with her and she sometimes won’t reply for weeks. Last time I saw her in person the conversation felt a bit uneasy and like i was treading on eggshells! I’ve not messaged her again since I got no reply to a happy xmas message.

I’m meant to be her bridesmaid in August but we haven’t spoken for 3 months now! Not sure if I should just ask her if there’s something going on, or take the hint that our friendship has grown apart and it’s up to her if she wants to tell me I’m no longer part of her wedding plans?

I'd leave it, surely if your supposed to be the bridesmaid then she should be contacting you regarding arrangements as its her wedding not yours.Or to say that she's changed her mind for whatever reason. Its not for you to be chasing her up. duck that. Its sounds like she's moved on. Sorry but you'll meet better people.

 

[Warpaint]

For me I'd probably call them acquaintances rather than friends. I've got a few good friends that I can rely on however don't see them as much as I used to. Life just gets in the way. Unless you live really close or attend some sort of club it's hard to keep in constant contact with someone. In terms of being in crisis I'd always turn to my family.

I've find a lot of friendships tend to fizzle out naturally and just accepting that helps.

 

[no-no]

It is hard to let go, especially when they've been in your life for decades, but I have decided to do that with a couple recently and feel lighter for it.

One used me for advice and to do things for her; she never offered to reciprocate in any way - and if I did suggest catching up for a coffee it would always have to be at my house; strangely, I never went to hers in the 20 years we were "friends"!

Another is just very depressing and calls me to complain about everything and then finishes off by saying how it feels good to get that off her chest! Never asks how I am or offers anything from her side; it's just all one way.

Angry face at the friend at the end. I’ve had so many people like this in my life. Always want to offload but ‘have to dash’ on the rare occasion you wouldn’t mind venting.

I don’t have any friends if I’m honest, I find it too much hard work. Even family are full of false promises. Of course I would love to know some like-minded people to call on, but it’s harder as you get older and I’d prefer to have a partner (they’re free to have as many friends as they want!) to do things with and the rest of the time on my own.