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I unfortunately cannot provide many words of wisdom as I myself could’ve written your post. I just want you to know you are not alone. This is a very hard and triggering time of year. Try to give yourself grace although I know it’s easier said than done. Take care of yourself my love 🩷
So this week I stopped breastfeeding. That was my safety net which would stop me from restricting again. Although I continued to binge/purge I forced myself to eat because I needed to feed the baby with nutrient dense milk. Now I’ve stopped and it’s so incredibly hard to stop the habits creeping back in. I figured, this is the best time for me to stop breastfeeding as I’m under the care of the adult eating disorder team and I can get help. The issue is, during my last therapy session she basically told me I’m not ready for proper CBT. Too much of what I’m saying in these appointments is raising red flags. I’m worried now that if I tell her that restriction has reared its weird head again in conjunction with purging she will no longer offer me treatment as she will deem me not committed enough to changing my habits as I have voiced concern about giving up control. A very good friend of mine came to visit me today. We sat and drank tea and I got out the Christmas biscuits. She has a fantastic relationship with food and she sat and ate 7 biscuits (I know because I was counting) and I felt a huge pang of jealousy at how she could sit and enjoy biscuits without even a shred of guilt or need to purge. I want to get better. I cannot imagine a life where I am controlled by this illness indefinitely and yet I feel as though the therapist is giving up on me before I’ve even started.
Has she actually said she is going to discharge you as you're "not ready for therapy" or is it more a matter of helping you to get to the stage where you are mentally able to cope with the challenges of CBT?
Did you want to give up breastfeeding completely? Did your baby decide for you? Is it such a bad "safety net" if it keeps you safe over the particularly challenging Xmas period?
Did you want to give up breastfeeding completely? Did your baby decide for you? Is it such a bad "safety net" if it keeps you safe over the particularly challenging Xmas period?
I have an appointment today so I’m going to clarify what she meant by that. During our last appointment I was really honest and said part of me thinks I’m not ready for treatment and she said that if I’m not ready the treatment may not be effective and perhaps I should come back to it when I am. The thing is, it’s almost as if the ED is controlling those thoughts because the rational part of my brain is like yep it’s time to get better but the ED part is like nope this is your life don’t give up control. I’m hoping she will keep seeing me and assess my readiness continually. However she has definitely decided no to CBT for now.
It was more my baby decided a few weeks ago really, however I was being a bit selfish and trying to peruse it as I just knew that the restriction would follow when I stopped which it has. This week has been my worst week for a while actually and you’re right, this is a particularly challenging time of year. The anxiety for Christmas Day at my mums house is taking over my mind. so I guess it was quite bad timing. I know there’s no magic cure, it takes time and effort to get better but it’s just draining. Thank you for your response 🩷
I hope you got some clarity today...
It's not a question of being "ready" for treatment imo. Who is when push comes to shove? It's far from being a straightforward standard package of recovery therapy, boxes ticked followed by discharge etc..The mental mind games of ED v recovery therapy are immense and complex. Of course part of you will be terrified and resistant to the idea of change and loosening control. That's normal with an entrenched ED.
Christmas is enough to make any of us a lot more focused on their ED. It's not the best time to analyse how "committed" you are to recovery because you're on survival mode to get through the "festive" challenges.
Enjoy your baby and don't be too hard on yourself or make important decisions right now? You're not on a conveyor belt with this therapist and if you feel you are, maybe you should consider other options?
It's not a question of being "ready" for treatment imo. Who is when push comes to shove? It's far from being a straightforward standard package of recovery therapy, boxes ticked followed by discharge etc..The mental mind games of ED v recovery therapy are immense and complex. Of course part of you will be terrified and resistant to the idea of change and loosening control. That's normal with an entrenched ED.
Christmas is enough to make any of us a lot more focused on their ED. It's not the best time to analyse how "committed" you are to recovery because you're on survival mode to get through the "festive" challenges.
Enjoy your baby and don't be too hard on yourself or make important decisions right now? You're not on a conveyor belt with this therapist and if you feel you are, maybe you should consider other options?
You’re so right. I’ve been beating myself up for not feeling ‘ready’ but I’ve had this since I was 11. I’m 30 now so I’ve never known any different. It took so much to even reach out in the first place. I’m trying to look at the small wins. The therapy session on Friday has left me feeling quite down and depressed if I’m honest. I really like my therapist I think we get on well and I suppose it’s only normal to feel low afterwards. I did feel this week i had let her down a bit, like she felt I’d not put much effort in. Also, I discussed some of my childhood and diets and rituals my mum would make me do and she told me that that was abuse. I feel so low about it because, I had never even thought about it in that way. I would never consider myself abused as a child but I suppose she’s right in a way. I’m going to just survive the next week and really try and put some proper effort in after Christmas. Thank you for your reply. Wishing you a very merry Christmas.
I'd say you've already put in a significant amount of effort by asking for help. what is "proper" effort anyway? Just getting through the day must be an effort?
I think you are putting yourself under tremendous pressure by going to your mum's for Xmas in view of how she has controlled your food intake as a child and left you with this legacy of fear and guilt around food. I'm not sure I would call it abuse as maybe she had issues herself and couldn't help herself? Please don't be sad..You have your lovely baby and sound like a great mum yourself. It's so hard to stay mentally strong when you're ruminating about the past.
Take each day as it comes and get through Xmas. Be honest with your therapist about how you are feeling and don't expect too much of yourself? Our small steps all count and they are far from small.
I hope you have a manageable and happy Christmas. I think you are very brave.
Just sending out a hug ahead of tomorrow (although we all know the last few weeks have been challenging enough). Obviously then things will ramp up in a different way in January.
I’m finding so many comments on here challenging, even people writing that going to the gym or a normal Sunday roast meant they only ate one meal in a day is now a trigger.
Anyway, big
.
I’m finding so many comments on here challenging, even people writing that going to the gym or a normal Sunday roast meant they only ate one meal in a day is now a trigger.
Anyway, big
.Oh I know..As if there weren't enough obstacles to negotiate on a daily basis for us. Food intake is everywhere.. No wonder we want to hibernate.
I'm sending big hugs to everyone on here too. Pace yourselves and don't set too high standards. We need to look after ourselves and do what's best for us because we matter and we are survivors regardless of our EDs. xxx
I'm sending big hugs to everyone on here too. Pace yourselves and don't set too high standards. We need to look after ourselves and do what's best for us because we matter and we are survivors regardless of our EDs. xxx
wishing you all as merry a Christmas as can be. Today’s been a struggle I won’t lie but I’m putting a face on for my three beautiful girls 🩷 we’ve got this 🩷
No reply needed, I just feel so alone right now. I don’t really have many friends, the people at work who know I have issues all have multiple things going on so I haven’t bothered them with this now. My OH is shattered from work and really doesn’t get it and I’m with my parents who either don’t have a clue (dad) or have their own messed up food thing (mum).
Parts of tattle have become a safe space, but it can be food (and recently WL injection) orientated so I back off. I just want to drive home right now and get on my spinning bike. I know others feel like this, but it’s doesn’t help at nearly midnight when you are in the middle of nowhere and the shops are full of tit food and the internet is full of people talking about food.
Parts of tattle have become a safe space, but it can be food (and recently WL injection) orientated so I back off. I just want to drive home right now and get on my spinning bike. I know others feel like this, but it’s doesn’t help at nearly midnight when you are in the middle of nowhere and the shops are full of tit food and the internet is full of people talking about food.
The sad truth is that no one can really understand what it feels like and what thoughts torment you with an ED unless you have lived our life and know what's it's truly like to feel surrounded and pinned down by food ruminations. Christmas just accentuates it all and makes you feel incredibly isolated and "different".
I hope you can get home soon because being in the middle of nowhere with no coping distractions must be torture and you do have to be highly selective with what you read online.
It can't be easy having your mum as she is with food and I suppose you feel you can't talk to her about your own distress?
I hope you can get home soon because being in the middle of nowhere with no coping distractions must be torture and you do have to be highly selective with what you read online.
It can't be easy having your mum as she is with food and I suppose you feel you can't talk to her about your own distress?
I just want you to know that you are not alone. I’m so thankfull for this thread and your guys replies. Although yesterday I was with my family, my head was filled all day with awful food related thoughts. I was looking for exit strategies all day. I’m not proud of how I ended the day but I’m trying to move on today. You have us in here to talk to. If other threads make you feel a certain way, pop on here and express to us how they made you feel. We will understand you and listen to you. Nobody in my life understand what goes on in my head. Every single person would probably be shocked if I was completely honest with them, even my husband I’ve been with for 11 years. So even though I am not alone, I am lonely when it comes to this. I really hope today, you find some peace and can enjoy what’s left of the festive period in your safe space. Either way, I am proud of you for surviving the day I know you would’ve been dreading. My wish for next Christmas is that I, and everyone else on here who struggles with an ED can make progress and enjoy Christmas like those who don’t. Lots of love xxx
What a welcome post...and much appreciated. Finding peace can be so elusive at Christmas.
Just checking in, hoping that people are getting through the hours as best they can.
Home now and back to work tomorrow so some semblance of normalcy can return although we have a few neighbour things going on (food involved) which adds to the general disquiet.
I think the best any of us can hope for is to be as kind to ourselves as we can, punishing ourselves for our thoughts or behaviours is not going to help. I know that’s easier to say than do but just in the face of so much, just getting to the end of each day is a win.
I’m sorry to hear how many are struggling. This is such a hard time of year. Please give yourself grace.
I’m dropping in to give a little update in case it helps anyone.
I haven’t counted a calorie, binged, purged or restricted since August. I haven’t done any exercise except walking - enjoyable family walks, not fast paced on my own to punish myself.
I have committed to recovering and have thrown my all into it. I surrounded myself with recovery podcasts and reading. I have let myself eat whatever I want. There is the term of “extreme hunger” which I experienced for about two months once I had started to try and heal from the ED. NOTHING I ate filled me up, I could eat bags and bags of chocolate, crisps, bread - all things I had denied myself for so long. It was like my body was desperately trying to heal and could never feel full or secure, like it was scared of going through the ED again. I ate it all and sat with the uncomfortable feelings of fullness and didn’t purge. I distracted myself.
That has calmed down now.
I have put on weight and it’s really uncomfortable I can’t lie, but I bagged up all my tiny clothes and bought bigger, baggy clothes for now. I quit the therapy as the group chat just didn’t work for me.
I’m still at the beginning stages of this. But I have so much more energy, my moods are so much better, I don’t scream or cry all the time, I sleep better, I’m warmer, my hair has stopped falling out and my period has returned. I’m not focused on food all the time. I can have chocolates and biscuits in the house and eat a couple and be done with it, and move on with the day.
To everyone reading this that is finding it hard - the best advice I read was you just have to not care. You have to not care about the control, your size, the ED. It’s bloody hard but it is 100x better than how I used to feel. I think back now and feel sad that I was so sick for so long. It’s a very lonely place to be and I wasted so much of my life to it.
I hope this offers hope to someone.
I’m dropping in to give a little update in case it helps anyone.
I haven’t counted a calorie, binged, purged or restricted since August. I haven’t done any exercise except walking - enjoyable family walks, not fast paced on my own to punish myself.
I have committed to recovering and have thrown my all into it. I surrounded myself with recovery podcasts and reading. I have let myself eat whatever I want. There is the term of “extreme hunger” which I experienced for about two months once I had started to try and heal from the ED. NOTHING I ate filled me up, I could eat bags and bags of chocolate, crisps, bread - all things I had denied myself for so long. It was like my body was desperately trying to heal and could never feel full or secure, like it was scared of going through the ED again. I ate it all and sat with the uncomfortable feelings of fullness and didn’t purge. I distracted myself.
That has calmed down now.
I have put on weight and it’s really uncomfortable I can’t lie, but I bagged up all my tiny clothes and bought bigger, baggy clothes for now. I quit the therapy as the group chat just didn’t work for me.
I’m still at the beginning stages of this. But I have so much more energy, my moods are so much better, I don’t scream or cry all the time, I sleep better, I’m warmer, my hair has stopped falling out and my period has returned. I’m not focused on food all the time. I can have chocolates and biscuits in the house and eat a couple and be done with it, and move on with the day.
To everyone reading this that is finding it hard - the best advice I read was you just have to not care. You have to not care about the control, your size, the ED. It’s bloody hard but it is 100x better than how I used to feel. I think back now and feel sad that I was so sick for so long. It’s a very lonely place to be and I wasted so much of my life to it.
I hope this offers hope to someone.
I'm so very pleased for you..You've liberated yourself from your ED and it IS all about not caring about control or anything food-related...
Getting above that ED mental mindset sounds impossible to me..But you have done it!! I can only admire your determination hugely and wish that I could have done the same when I was younger instead of not having the courage to and staying put.
xxx
Getting above that ED mental mindset sounds impossible to me..But you have done it!! I can only admire your determination hugely and wish that I could have done the same when I was younger instead of not having the courage to and staying put.
xxx
Thank you @neroli and I’m sorry for your struggles. I’m not getting ahead of myself and saying I’m out of the woods yet, I have had many setbacks in the past when I think things are getting better and then they get worse. The last couple of years have been the worst my ED has ever been. But my mindset has changed so much now. I feel like a different person and looking back, I can’t believe some of the things I did and how badly I treated my body. It was ravaged and I’m not sure I had a choice but to get well or else there would be no other options, but something clicked hard for me. It’s an addiction really, and it’s like quitting any other addiction - you have to be ready. It’s not your fault. You have to take the blame out of the behaviours and look after yourself.
I’m looking to get back to the gym in the next few months and go because I want to, I’m looking forward to going and feeling full and strong instead of nearly fainting!
Hope recommendations are ok here - a great booked that helped me understand all this is “Addicted to Energy Deficit” by Helly Barnes.