Eating disorders- Advice & support

[eppingforestbambi]

Just wanted to share some positive news - that I was actively able to stop a food binge in its tracks today. I feel really great that I was able to do this.

For context: I am a long time AN and BN sufferer, and have had a few hospitalisations in the past. More recently I have been mostly in recovery, and it’s been well over 12 months since I last purged or actively starved myself etc. I am still very conscious of my weight and (after having a baby in March) I’ve been on a bit of a healthy mission to lose the baby weight - but I never skip meals or undereat anymore. I love food and I really focus on good nutrition and exercise now.

However this last week has been stressful and binge urges have resurfaced… and today I started bingeing at home after eating my lunch. I planned to walk to the supermarket to buy more food and then come home to purge. HOWEVER when I was walking (and feeling overfull and awful) I just thought to myself - is this really what you want to do? Why “slash the other 3 wheels of your car when you have just punctured one”? And I talked myself out of it and didn’t binge any further. I just let the food I’d eaten settle, accepted it, and kept myself busy. I now feel much better and so grateful I didn’t take it further, and tonight I will have a normal dinner to get back on track. I have never ever ever been able to do this before, and I have had this illness for over 25 years.

Breaking old habits is possible…

 

[Silver Linings]

Spoiler: EXTREMELY triggering. Please be careful.

First off, I need to reiterate again how triggering i’m about to be so please do take heed. I’m just venting really as nobody knows the absolute nonsense I do with my body and I’m really going even more crazy than usual and it’s just too much for normal people to understand.

I have to be super vague, obviously. So basically for the last ten days i’ve literally had two bananas to eat and today I had scheduled an eating day but I just can’t do it. The idea of any food being in my body makes me feel even more ill than I do already. I know I need to eat and I will pull myself together later and have sonething (promise), I’m just scared because it hasn’t been this bad for years and years and now i’m getting older I’m honestly worried i’ll faint in public. I’ve been close a few times the last few days and have black spots in my vision, my hands shake and my heart races when I stand up and beats 40 times a minute when i’m still. I’ve been hiding food and pretending i’ve eaten which is stuff I haven’t done for 20 years fgs. I’m a parent! I’ve already done 15,000 steps this morning and i’ve told myself I can eat when i’ve done 20,000. (to Jack Monroe thread people)

Anyhow, I don’t really know why i’m writing this, just a safe place to I guess. I weighed myself for the first time in about 6 years and I actually gasped at what it said. Anyhow, anyhow, sorry to go on.

Love to all who get it.

 

[starsandsky]

Hi everyone,

I am a recovered binge eater and wanted to share some words of hope.
I binged for probably the best part of 20 years. I was completely obsessed with food. Obsessed. It consumed my every waking thought. As you all are aware, it's very hard for this to co-exist with other things happening in life (work, study, etc). It was just so, so difficult.

I would urge you all to find the 'why' behind your disordered eating. This won't be easy. Personally, mine stemmed from my childhood in a dysfunctional, alcoholic household. It's only when I reflect now that I realise how absolutely awful it was but sadly it was 'normal' at the time. My childhood was spent in a state of parentification - listening to suicide threats, negotiating when rows broke out between parents and navigating the horrors of having an alcoholic parent. It was absolutely horrific. When I look back now, I was definitely clinically depressed until I was about 24 (I'm 32 now). Food was my only comfort. My refuge. When the going got tough - which it did on a daily basis - I needed food to turn to. My home being one of alcoholism was shrouded with secrecy so as a child I saw people as the 'enemy', as such. My role was to mask, mask and mask some more and under no circumstances divulge the chaos that went on behind the closed doors. This greatly, greatly impacted my self-esteem and self-confidence. I spend much of my time nowadays trying to unlearn things and gain in confidence.

I was totally obsessed with food. Obsessed. We never had enough money to actually have 'nice' foods in the house so I think this actually made my obsession with food worse. It sounds ridiculous but we rarely even had as much as a packet of biscuits in the house. That was reality. I developed an absolute fixation when I went to friends houses etc and they had all sorts of crisps and sweets and stuff.

Food dominated all of my thoughts. There were so many binge episodes where I literally must have seemed like a crazed animal. Of course I did as much in secret as I could but as fellow sufferers will know, sometimes you just can't hide things! I still remember the snide comments about my overeating during a binge episode which I'd generally try to fob off with things like "Oh I'm just starving because I forgot to eat lunch today", and other such lies. I still remember the raised eyebrows from others when I reached for another slice of pizza, etc. Just awful. I feel a real sense of sadness when I look back and see how absolutely ashamed of myself I felt after a binge. It was a vicious circle. I'd obviously gain weight and would withdraw even further from society as I literally felt disgusting. I could barely look in a mirror. I just felt so fat and disgusting.

I absolutely detested myself for bingeing. I felt greedy and vile and completely out of control. As part of it, I was always obsessed with what other people ate so I could compare my calories to theirs. Of course I now realise how bizarre this was. I was just really unwell. For years on end.

I have a colleague who is anorexic. I recognise so many of her behaviours. A few weeks ago, I was texting her and I mentioned I'd went out for lunch in a café. She ignored the rest of my messages, immediately asking what I had to eat for lunch in the café. I didn't answer it as I still feel self-conscious when people notice or talk about what I eat - it's triggering. I changed the subject but she ignored it and asked again what I ate. I ignored it again and talked about something different. A week later, she replies and asks me again what I had for lunch in that café. I still didn't answer her. Five weeks later, I saw her in work. Her first question? What I had for lunch that day, five weeks ago, in the café. I was just like her once upon a time- absolutely obsessed with knowing what people ate and most likely trying to see how many calories they'd consumed.

Today I no longer binge. What's worked for me? Understanding and dealing with the "why" behind my compulsive eating- in my case, childhood trauma. On a daily basis, I make decisions and do things that will reduce my stress level. I am a natural introvert and I think that many of my binges in the past were triggered by anxiety over what I felt I 'should' be doing, etc. Now, I generally don't care. I do what suits me and what works for me. I also tell myself that I can't 'fix' anyone else. I am not responsible for their behaviours.

I still love food and definitely overeat at times, at a meal, etc. I constantly battle with myself to eat slower and chew the food. I still get infuriated by slow eaters. I can't tell you how liberating it is to have chocolate, etc in the house right now and not feel I'm going to eat bars at once. If I can overcome it, anyone can.

 

[eppingforestbambi]

Thanks so much for sharing @starsandsky. I totally agree with everything you’ve said.

For me my illness has had two major drivers. Firstly - an absolute obsession with thinness, and the belief that my body wasn’t good enough. This was driven by a diet crazy mother, growing up in the 90s, and generally a very low self esteem caused by a toxic family environment (and believing things would be so much better if I just looked a certain way).

Secondly - food has and always was a huge source of comfort and shame for me, all related to the above. I used food and snacking as a drug since childhood, blocking out sad feelings by shoving food down my throat to numb me, which then just made me feel worst about my body and pushed me to dieting. Then the dieting causes a biological desire to eat, and the cycle continues and continues. I would say up until the age of 35 I barely had a day with normal eating patterns. When I was 21 I remember being amazed at slim women eating normal meals and not obsessing over every bite. I never thought I’d get to that place.

I now have a much better relationship with food and I eat very well. I love home cooked meals, fresh fruit and vegetables, and moving my body every day but not in a punishing way. I feel great about my body now, and I’m so grateful for everything it’s done for me - especially delivering my two babies and keeping me alive. I still have to be very careful around certain foods - if I’m stressed or sad and there is a trigger food there (like biscuits or chocolate) I have very little control when I’m eating them. I will just shovel them in to my mouth at speed. But now I can recognise that feeling as it’s happening and stop and realise I need to do something else to self soothe myself. Drink water, have a cup of tea, remove myself from the kitchen and go and lie down and play games on my phone etc. It passes. And I never ever let myself get too hungry, as I know it just messes up my hunger cues and makes me prone to a binge.

I never thought I would ever get over this illness - but I feel like the last two years I am a new women. I notice triggers that make me obsess over my body (Instagram is toxic), and if I am starting to control my meals too much (trying to cut out carbs etc) I quickly realise that is a fools game and will just lead me back there. No food is off limits for me, I just have to be careful with the massively triggering ones that I can’t just have one of. I struggle with buffets a lot, and try to avoid them. But I eat everything in normal
portions and I try to notice which food makes me feel great and which food doesn’t. I was so terrified of food before - I truly believed eating a burger and chips would cause me to gain a stone, but now I know I can eat anything in moderation and my body basically stays the same. It’s not the enemy anymore, nor is it the obsession of my desire.

I feel so sad for the girl I used to be, and for the young men and women who still suffer over this. It’s truly an awful illness… but I am proof that you can come out of it the other side.

 

[ChiRie]

It's hard. I now freely admit I have an ED after over 13 years. My sister used to confront me after hearing me being sick. I would lie. I do struggle still if I have a calorific meal like a takeaway but if I eat reasonably within my calories I am ok and accept it now. I hated people going on and on at me about it. I hated it when my family suggested we all get a takeaway because I knew what I would have to do. Get it out. I no longer binge and rarely purge. I'm honest with people now that what they think is a nice treat like a burger or pizza I will throw up and do not want. My teeth are ruined, health is bad and I regret it all. I've only made myself look worse. I asked my GP for help and got nowhere. It's taken years to finally get to the point I hardly do it.
---
Face and neck glands get swollen, you get a face like a balloon. It's not worth it. Something has triggered this for him. That needs to be gotten to the bottom of. He will be in denial for a while. I was for years. There isn't much a GP will do other than give numbers for help like Beat. Unless he's severely underweight and tbh most bulimics are not. The calories consumed don't all come out. Link to Beat:
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

 

[zetta buttons]

I can’t write down what’s happening because it’s so long and I’d bore myself but everything has gone tits up. I feel like a fucking failure. I’ve spent so much money in the last couple of weeks on diaries to log stuff, green juices, slimming tea. Why can’t this stop. To top it off I’ve injured myself again exercising.

No one needs to reply. I just needed to vent. I want a life where food isn’t the focus. Where our life isn’t ruled by it.

 

[Carapop]

I really hope someone can steer me in the right direction in a pretty hopeless situation.
*trigger warning- eating disorder*
I have a loved one in my family who is bulimic. His wife discovered a few months ago he would gorge on food & sneak upstairs & force himself to vomit & come down to eat more again. She monitored this for a while & then decided to confront him, explaining the dangers of it & explore any reasons behind him doing it. He didn’t deny it & nonchalantly explained it’s something he did as a child to enjoy eating more food whilst keeping the weight off (he was overweight as a child).
he said it’s something he doesn’t do regularly & can stop whenever he wants, as he was quite taken aback by his wife’s upset.
a couple of months passed & all was well. Recently it has started again, his wife has noticed him throwing up after meals. She said she has offered to get support with him, & they can get through it together, but she says he’s in a state of denial & is brushing her concerns off. She said she’s cooking lighter meals & avoiding trigger junk food, keeping him active & joining in with him but nothing is working. He is flat out refusing to get help. She called the bulimia disorder helpline & they essentially said to support him into seeing a GP but until he agrees it’s an issue, not much can be done. again, he’s refusing to see it as an issue. She is absolutely distraught & worried about his health & mental health to do something like this- what advice does anyone have in this situation?
His wife has confided in me in confidence & doesn’t wish to betray his trust by going to other ppl or family members or to discuss this with a therapist without his consent

It’s so hard when someone is in such total denial. The thing is, apart from the emotional impact of it all, bulemia has serious physical consequences too. It can literally destroy the digestive system, cause gut paralysis, tear open the oesophagus, disrupt electrolytes balance, damage the heart, ruin teeth etc etc. if he’s making himself vomit then these are possible consequences. Irrefutable.

but ultimately, short of getting him sectioned under the mental health act, until he’s willing to accept help, there isn’t much more she can do. It’s heartbreaking but it’s like an addiction, he will find a way if he wants to.

 

[Silver Linings]

Just a quick message to say I hope everyone is doing as ok as possible in this horrible triggering season.

 

[Kittypops]

@Silver Linings when you say "it's so profoundly embarrassing " I totally get you.
The thought of people knowing is unthinkable and God, if anyone saw the coded logs (i get you, @GrunkaLunka), tables and spreadsheets (the only thing I use Excel for with any zeal), I'd be mortified.
I've barely moved today and resent every wasted minute for not burning calories, expending energy. I feel total revulsion.
Love and care to everyone struggling

 

[zetta buttons]

I don’t know what I want to say here, just that I’m exhausted. Yesterday’s appointment was good, and the talking made me feel lighter afterwards and then I crashed. I’m trying really hard to do things that will pay off in the long run, and get out of my comfort zone but it feels like there is a weight on my shoulders all the time (like you know if there is something bad happening in your life). I know it will be good in the end but to constantly fight ED Buttons and not listen to her and listen to rational Buttons is so tiring. I’m horrible to my wife. I’m tired and I want to hide.

Thank you for listening .

 

[zetta buttons]

I got my appointment through- it’s at the end of next week. Part of me is terrified but part of me is relieved because my behaviour at the moment is unsustainable. It’s more to do with exercise (it tends that way) and I’m sitting here trying to get the energy to have a shower before work and I just can’t.

Anyway, my wife is off then so I will have support other than a needy dog . Thanks for all the support here.

Hope everyone is ok. I feel that SM is not an easy place to be atm. I’ve come off instagram for that reason but I still seek shit out. Nevermind.

 

[Silver Linings]

Spoiler: Triggery again.

This might be totally useless advice- but I’ve read a few comments by some ppl with ED on a YouTube channel and it said it’s helped them manage their ED by watching the series and it subconsciously makes them feel hungry & encourages them to eat, you may wanna check it out? The try guys eat the menu series.

hope u feel the confidence to reach out for professional help alongside. you will become yourself again

Thank you, one thing I do that keeps me going on fast days did actually end up being very helpful yesterday which was watching TikTok cookery stuff. So very similar, than you again.

Oh my God, I can't offer you any useful advice or help in any way at all but...

Spoiler: VERY TRIGGERING CONTENT

I am also in a bit of a situation with my ridiculous food/body behaviour. The way that you have described some of this really hits home with me. I am at a complete loss how to deal with it, and I am so ashamed because I know I am quite literally slowly killing myself but I cannot seem to get a grip on it at all. I honestly feel so embarrassed that I do some of these things, and I dread something happening to me and someone discovering all the hidden food and notebooks of working out calories burned/logs of exercise I've done for hours when I should be asleep. I fell and badly injured myself recently and even that isnt enough to stop me being so stupid. I wish I could help you but all I can do is tell you that you're not alone, I understand, I don't think you're crazy or mad, I think you're struggling and I hope beyond anything that you can make it through this. Sending you so much love.

Oh Grunka. So much solidarity and love to you. I hope things start to improve. It would be hilariously hypocritical of me to offer advice but we are with you. And oh my god, the amount of coded notebooks and pads i’ve fretted about over the years! Totally get that.

Was it the weighing yourself that triggered this? I’m sorry you are going through this but I understand. I would say get help but I know that’s easier said than done. Do you have someone in real life you can confide to? Could you try a smoothie or something, there are shakes called complan that have lots of nutrients, or get some protein shakes. Might help until you can face some real food or get some help. I’m guessing you have an ED background so might have sought help you can use now?
Thinking of you x
It is so, so, SO shit to be consumed with food and weight and eating. I’m so done with it. It makes life so tough and there is such little help.
Edited to add - sorry I read my post back and I sound so dismissive by suggesting shakes or smoothies. I know it’s not that simple. However in the past they have helped me, I guess not having to chew or whatever I’m not sure. But I know it’s still food in your stomach to deal with.

It wasn’t dismissive at all, thank you. One thing I have done in the past is have orange juice until I can face food. Thank you.

Thank you everyone. I did manage to psych myself up and then I was ok. I had to promise myself to go crazy with exercise and stuff today but it got me going. Then I slept and slept. I feel much more in control again, obv. I know there is a huge problem but I don’t feel like i’m going insane like yesterday.

I don’t actually have any scales myself, I was at someone else’s house and was expecting it to be a high number that would make me feel bad about myself but when it was lower it just made me go all weird. Annoying, and truly lesson learned. I don’t go to doctors and my friends know I am strange with food but to this extent it’s just so profoundly embarrassing, I hate it. It may sound trite but with all the hideous news at the moment it just all felt even more so. People are desperate for food and I can’t eat a snack a jack, pathetic. Again, I know this isn’t true but it all just spiralled. I am very, very grateful for everyone’s support.

Thank you

 

[neroli]

That's a huge mental and physical achievement and you are so right to be proud of yourself!

I've got nothing but admiration for you...and thank you for such an inspirational post.

 

[neroli]

I realise this thread has been very quiet but just wanted to say that I hope you are all getting through this very triggering time of they year. I know I find it very stressful and envy those who love Christmas and all it involves. Fortunately we play it very low key so there is no need for me to get stressed but I suppose I compare myself to "normal" people who feast with no worries and that makes me feel very sad and inadequate.

Anyway..enough about me. I'm thinking of everyone really struggling with the prospect of Christmas under scrutiny from family xx

 

[neroli]

I'm a veteran ED-er...of 49 years and counting so I do get how triggering Xmas can be and how intrusive the thoughts can get..

A very big Well Done to all of you struggling.. but who have managed to get through today

 

[neroli]

It may be worth taking an NHS printout of what ARFID actually is as some GPs may not have heard of it? (The older ones, probably)

Wishing you the very best of luck with the GP visit and please keep us posted. Your little boy is lucky to have you b.oth as caring parents

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I can’t write down what’s happening because it’s so long and I’d bore myself but everything has gone tits up. I feel like a fucking failure. I’ve spent so much money in the last couple of weeks on diaries to log stuff, green juices, slimming tea. Why can’t this stop. To top it off I’ve injured myself again exercising.

No one needs to reply. I just needed to vent. I want a life where food isn’t the focus. Where our life isn’t ruled by it.

I know you said no one needs to reply, but hey, I bore myself too!

And you saying that, myself and so many others here get it. It’s a long f*cking slog. You’re not a failure, you’re dealing with an illness, it’s not a reflection of you as a person.
I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes, but I’ve felt the same pain and frustration and exhaustion.

“I want a life where food isn’t the focus. Where our life isn’t ruled by it.”
I want that for you too, so much. And for everyone here.

I had professional help to recover, but one of the things helping me mentally recover, is to not beat myself up.
I used to always give myself a row, like “for fucks sake, you’re 35 years old, you should be over this“, but that never really helped. I always thought I needed to speak to myself in that way, to “shout” myself out of it.

It’s different for everyone of course. I thought if I was kind to myself in any way it wouldn’t be enough. And sure that’s not enough, it takes A lot to recover from something so deep rooted.

But look at it this way, I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve mentally berated yourself in a need to recover. It might be worth thinking if that has ever helped? If it has, then that’s great , this is such a tough, complex situation, that you need to do what you can.

But maybe, you could try to be kinder to yourself (I wish this didn’t sound so cheesy, sorry!). Because honestly, it makes such a difference. I used to think if I gave myself any kind of kindness it would allow me to keep failing or something? But real kindness is emotional intelligence, it helps you figure yourself out in a calm, and unpressurised way.
You’re an intelligent woman. You can do this, in time of course, but you will get there.

I’m not saying you have to do any of this. And I’m sorry this is such a long post. I just kind of know what it’s like, I know that exasperation, and I think you’ve given yourself enough rows now, so please be nicer to yourself.

 

[eppingforestbambi]

I think reading these past few posts have made me realise how much all the Ozempic discussion triggers me also. I’ve always been triggered by stories of anybody losing weight, and even though I’m in a good place now and not engaging in ED behaviours, seeing somebody looking slim is difficult for me.

I’m going to make a point of protecting myself from these conversations and articles going forward.

 

[Carapop]

Just wanted to share some positive news - that I was actively able to stop a food binge in its tracks today. I feel really great that I was able to do this.

For context: I am a long time AN and BN sufferer, and have had a few hospitalisations in the past. More recently I have been mostly in recovery, and it’s been well over 12 months since I last purged or actively starved myself etc. I am still very conscious of my weight and (after having a baby in March) I’ve been on a bit of a healthy mission to lose the baby weight - but I never skip meals or undereat anymore. I love food and I really focus on good nutrition and exercise now.

However this last week has been stressful and binge urges have resurfaced… and today I started bingeing at home after eating my lunch. I planned to walk to the supermarket to buy more food and then come home to purge. HOWEVER when I was walking (and feeling overfull and awful) I just thought to myself - is this really what you want to do? Why “slash the other 3 wheels of your car when you have just punctured one”? And I talked myself out of it and didn’t binge any further. I just let the food I’d eaten settle, accepted it, and kept myself busy. I now feel much better and so grateful I didn’t take it further, and tonight I will have a normal dinner to get back on track. I have never ever ever been able to do this before, and I have had this illness for over 25 years.

Breaking old habits is possible…

You rockstar x

 

[neroli]

You poor thing....You really do need to get some appropriate medical help. It's not your fault..This is a horrible disease which grips us hard and it is so difficult to stop toxic behaviours when they feel safe.

Is there anyone in your family or a trusted friend who knows what you are going through? If so could they make that appointment on your behalf and accompany you there? I know opening up about this must seem absolutely impossible but if you have the chance to see an ED expert then please please just go for it? You know you are at your worst...You don't want colitis or any other colonic issue as a result of what you are eating even though these are safe foods for you.

They will have heard it all before at the ED clinic and just want to help you get out of this pit xxx