Do I move on?

[Death2unicorns]

I strongly believe that if a man really wants to be with a particular woman then he would, so he’s not leaving his current relationship for the sake of a dog and mortgage?? I could kind of understand him staying for kids, but not a mortgage, so he’s basically making out that you are the love of his life but he doesn’t want to end his mortgage and leave the dog, his actions don’t match up with his words, give him an ultimatum, ask him to be with you properly or cut off contact completely

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Cut it off. He has the best of both worlds. A life set up, with his bit on the side. Dont let this man, or yourself, keep you hanging on any longer. 12 years is already too long. If someone wants to be with you, they will. He hasnt respected you. Far from it.

Focus on you. Work on your insecurities. Feel happy and confident in yourself.

 

[Welsh1]

i see you’ve just edited this comment to remove the section about waking up today and blocking him.....?

I deleted it because I hadn't finished the message and it posted without the last bit. I woke up today and I've blocked him. He then tried to call me off a different number and I blocked that to. I've not given him any explanation. I've just ended it. I think I've always known how bad this situation is and I feel like a terrible person honestly for what I've allowed him to do to his girlfriend and for ever being a part of it. I'm just going to focus on myself now, healing from my past relationship and being a better person morally. Thank you all so much for your advice.

 

[Welsh1]

Without wanting to sound patronising, well bloody done! As you say he has to leave sometime. Not sure why he said what’s the reason as you explained clearly. Stay strong

Thank you. I feel heart broken but I know this is for the best. I'm going to miss him so much, I can't even lie about that but I know deep down that this entire situation is wrong & even in his reply, he makes it all about him. I wouldn't have had the courage to do this had it not been for the amount of replies I've had and even though some were hard to hear, I'm glad people didn't sugar-coat anything, I needed to hear it all

 

[BettyCrocker]

I have to agree with this comment. I really don't think I am ready. My head tells me its the right thing to do but my heart says, if he was using me why would he invest so much time in me. I never ever message him first, even though I know he's alone in the evenings, he's always done the chasing the whole 12 years, why would he support me and help me in so many ways if he just wanted sex which he rarely gets from me anyway. Other than the fact he's in a relationship, he has never ever done anything or said anything to hurt me, he is a constant positive in my life but I know I can't live this way forever. X

he’s in a relationship with another woman.

rhey bought a house together.

they have a dog together.

he has CHOSEN TO BUILD A LIFE WITH THIS WOMAN. HE HASNT CHOSEN YOU. IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU, HE WOULD BE WITH YOU.

what are you expecting to happen here? It’s been 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[BettyCrocker]

Thank you for your advice. He never makes comments about his relationship unless I ask. He mentioned last week that they haven't slept together since March. His reasoning was that she has no sex drive, but that he doesn't feel any sort of emotion when they do sleep together because all he thinks about is me. From what I can gather, I'm very like him sexually and very open minded, she doesn't seem to be interested at all in that. But then I can't say he uses me for sex because we don't see each other often so I don't feel like im even filling that void. I've never even asked the question of whether he would leave her for me. I really don't want to be a homewrecker either. I feel terrible enough with being the other woman, I just haven't been able to cut him off as yet because I genuinely believe every thing he says to me, he makes so much effort with everything, he is always there when I need him, he worries about me as at times my mental health hasn't been great, he was there when my grandparents passed away and when I lost my best friend so I don't think I'm being naive that he's only involved with me for his own gain. Because he has done so much for me. Obviously, he's a cheat, he's disrespecting his partner and they are bad points but he's never given me any reason to think badly of him in any other way. It's just so hard. I really do appreciate everyone's advice, its nice to get more perspective on it as nobody knows about us at all.

Im not saying this to be harsh but.....
He’s text book stringing you along!!!!! “We haven’t had sex since March and even when we do, all I’m thinking about is you” ——— seriously??? Come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why are you listening to this?! It’s horseshit. He’s got a lovely life with his mortgage and his live in girlfriend and his dog and he’s banging her and then when he’s bored or needs his ego stroked he’s in contact with you. He’s a text book arsehole. This situation is never ever ever everrrrrrr going to resolve itself - he’s never going to leave her. He has no intention of ever leaving her. He doesn’t love you, he’s using you. You deserve better than this.

If you don’t believe me - call his bluff. Tell his girlfriend everything- see what happens.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Thank you ladies. To the person who posted about his wife and finances, they aren't married. The thing that makes it harder for me is that we don't see each other very often in person, due to his life commitments and im also a full time working, single mother so if anything, we only see each other once every few months so I've never felt used sexually. We talk nearly every day and if we don't, I'll always wake up to a message which will say he misses me. Am I being used on more of an emotional level? I really feel like I need to give him the ultimatum now. Even though it will break my heart and probably his x

Personally, I wouldnt even bother with an ultimatum. If he actually loved you, respected you and wanted to be with you; he wouldnt have hurt other women in the process and he would be with you now. Will you actually respect him after 12yrs of being, essentially, his pen pal? Please put yourself first. You are a single mother working hard, he is some gobshite lying to his partner and emotionally cheating. You're worth far more than that.

 

[Welsh1]

@Welsh1 how have things been overnight and today?

I woke up this morning to another letter through my door begging for me to unblock him as he has some things to say and that he loves me. I put it in the bin and haven't unblocked him. I'm determined to stick to this but I just feel really upset today which is normal I guess.

 

[CarrieW24]

This thread has given me goosebumps for a few reasons.

For one, I've been able to take the advice here and apply it to my ownlife. It's a different context, but a draining relationship is a draining relationship. I have different friends and a sister that I value so much that I don't notice how little they value me (all unrelated circumstances). They've enjoyed the 100% I've put in and only throw in enough effort to keep stringing me along. I've blocked them too since reading this and I'm feeling empowered and alive. No explanations because I'll just get sucked back in. I'm not being impulsive. It's one of those things where you've subconciously realised for a long time that keeping contact with someone is hurting you and you need to say goodbye to for your own emotional well-being. This thread was just the catalyst for me.

OP, you are incredible in your strength and power right now. It's uplifting to read and inspired my own strength.

Fellow tattlers, this is my first experience where the advice is unanimous. I swear I have goosebumps. We all unanimously saw the situation for the way it is. That's powerful!

 

[LittleMy]

He mentioned last week that they haven't slept together since March. His reasoning was that she has no sex drive, but that he doesn't feel any sort of emotion when they do sleep together because all he thinks about is me. From what I can gather, I'm very like him sexually and very open minded, she doesn't seem to be interested at all in that.

No offense, but who is to say that’s even the case? It could be a line he’s spinning you. If he wants only you and there are no children involved on his side, then what’s stopping him? Sounds to me like someone who’s having their cake and eating it, and knows exactly the right things to do and say in order to get it. Men aren’t dumb, especially when it comes to getting sex, and they know how to play to a woman’s emotional side. Even if - hypothetically speaking - he did bin off his wife for you, do you think you could ever fully trust him knowing how he carried on with you behind his wife’s back?

Having been in the shoes of the wife/girlfriend in this type of situation, can I just say that what he tells you probably doesn’t reflect how she views their relationship. I was happy in my relationship, thought everything was fine and dandy, had no reason to suspect it wasn’t, and it transpired that he’d been cheating on me with several other women. I was devastated.

 

[Welsh1]

Just wondering how things are now. Has he left you alone

I've stayed away from him & ignored any attempts to speak to me. He went as far as messaging my brother to pass a message on to me which again, I ignored. He sent flowers to my home and posted a letter through my door. I've been really strong which I'm proud of. I miss him immensely but when I think about waiving, I read this thread again. Thank you for asking.

 

[BettyCrocker]

This is an example of a message he sent me a few months ago.... this was when I was going through a rough time.
''I don’t think you’re a let down at all, I know the troubles you’re having and the reasons why you’re like this but you keep everything bottled up instead of talking about it which makes things worse and you know you can talk to me about anything. I love you so much and not seeing you on a daily basis kills me, I haven’t seen you properly in almost 8 weeks, do you not understand how hard that is for me?'' xxx
This may give more of an insight in to the type of things he says. However, after reading all of your replies, I definitely need to think about this in a different way to what I have been because I know I cant put my life on hold forever. X

oh.my.god

This just gets worse.

he’s gaslighting you.

please understand this, he is not a good guy. He’s manipulating you. He’s making you believe that you need him and that he wants you but that there are outside forces stopping this from happening.... and oh - it’s breaking him inside that he can’t see you....


ITS ALL A LOAD OF SHIT.

Seriously. It’s bollocks.

what’s stopping him from ending his relationship with his girlfriend and being with you???? NOTHING. He simply has no intention because, and I’m sorry, he doesn’t love you. He loves himself. He probably loves the girlfriend in some weird way, after all he’s CHOSEN to be with her. But he’s just using you, always has been. Stop letting him.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I have to agree with this comment. I really don't think I am ready. My head tells me its the right thing to do but my heart says, if he was using me why would he invest so much time in me. I never ever message him first, even though I know he's alone in the evenings, he's always done the chasing the whole 12 years, why would he support me and help me in so many ways if he just wanted sex which he rarely gets from me anyway. Other than the fact he's in a relationship, he has never ever done anything or said anything to hurt me, he is a constant positive in my life but I know I can't live this way forever. X

Maybe he's not using you, but he's also not choosing you and you deserve to be chosen.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

OP, you're getting loads of brilliant advice but I feel it's not really sinking in and you're determined to believe that you're star crossed lovers who are meant to be together.

To be blunt, you are a friends with benefits to him. The guy is a shit and a cheat and I'm sure like every other mistress you've convinced yourself he wouldn't cheat on you but that's not how it works. That nonsense about not being able to sleep with her because he's thinking of you turned my stomach. Can you not see he's feeding you the oldest lines in the book?

Please, for your own sake cut this guy loose and work on your self esteem and self worth.

 

[Laur91]

Posted something similar in another thread recently (which didn’t go down well either so apologies in advance) but sorry, this is just ridiculous.

For some odd reason people seem to feel entitled to have everything they want when they want it because we ‘only get one life’ or some other similar bollocks.

You’ve spent the last however many years sleeping with this man knowing he’s got a girlfriend. Do you not have any respect for her or yourself? Does she deserve that? No, but let me guess it’s made YOU happy so you’ve done it regardless. Why can’t you just find another man? A single man that you can date and sleep with without wrecking anyone else’s life in the process cos that’s what it could do. If his girlfriend found out she could maybe spend the rest of her life feeling insecure, wounded and affected by all of this. You might literally ruin her life and you’re ok with that? She might never have a normal relationship ever again.

All the excuses about confidence and self-esteem are rubbish, if you have low self esteem speak to a therapist and work on yourself. How is sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend going to help matters and make you feel more confident and better about yourself? It’s no one else’s responsibility to make you happy least of all someone else’s boyfriend.

I’m sorry to be blunt and I appreciate that you probably don’t want to hear all of the above cos you just want someone to tell you that ‘you deserve him, he should leave her for you’ etc. But yeah it’s just another opinion I guess to add to the pile

 

[2xblended]

I woke up this morning to another letter through my door begging for me to unblock him as he has some things to say and that he loves me. I put it in the bin and haven't unblocked him. I'm determined to stick to this but I just feel really upset today which is normal I guess.

You know what's striking in all of this? It's still about him. He hasn't asked you to explain your feelings, only declared that he has things to say, that he is upset, that he has been there for you.
He has proven that he's looking to regain control and is only concerned with himself.
Shocking.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Emotionally cheating is still cheating. He is a dickhead for what hes doing to his girlfriend, and youre allowing yourself to be the other woman. Youre allowing him to mug you off.

Ive been the girlfriend in this situation and found out there had been 1 year of messaging and calls behind my back. Trust me, it broke my heart the same as if it were physical cheating. Dont be that woman. Have more respect for yourself and tell him to fuck off.

 

[Welsh1]

I will never be able to tell her unfortunately. Hopefully, she will one day find out something for herself so that she can also move on. He's been such a big part of my life for so long that it's going to be hard but I will stick to my guns as I know I deserve better & I don't want to be involved with someone in a relationship any longer. Your advice has been so appreciated because I have never spoken to anybody about this.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Also think of girl code, imagine if you were the girlfriend with what she thinks is a happy life, and you find out he’s had a side piece for 12 years you would be crushed.
Honestly you know what you need to do but you don’t have the courage to do it. My heart breaks for his girlfriend.

This. I really really cannot stand that women do this shit to each other. Knowingly being involved is fucking low. Just because you have a low self esteem, or youre bruised from past relationships - it doesnt justify or excuse doing shit like this. Be a grown up, and have morals. Definitely have more respect for yourself. No one should be sloppy seconds or a secret side piece.

 

[Elle__Dee]

Sounds like he’s keeping you exactly where he wants you, as a previous poster has said, he would be with you if he loved you the way he says he does. It’s horrible to hear but I really feel like he’s just leading you along and using you at his convenience. No one deserves that. You may think this is love, but in a few years when you look back, you will see it for what it was. Wish you all the strength in the world to get over this man.