Dead Parent Club

[mee43]

On the subject of age;
I completely get that you must feel almost isolated in your grief if you lose your parents at a young age; few, if any, of your friends will completely understand
On the other side, if you’re of an age where it might be more expected that your parents may have passed, it can also feel a bit isolating because you feel like if you talk about it too much, others may be thinking you’re acting like you’re the only one it’s ever happened to.
I’ve learned that grief is a horribly lonely thing x

 

[Bettyboo2475]

My dad has just died, I spent 3 hours with him yesterday and said everything I wanted and needed. He was asleep, heavily medicated and peaceful. What more do you need.

One minute I'm ok and the next tears are streaming. I don't like not being in control. I'm too tired to fight right now.

 

[sleepingsatellite]

I lost my dad to cancer 13 years ago and my mum to illness in 2020. It's changed me immeasurably, focusing on what really matters to me and it's a struggle to be forgiving of other people's bad behaviour. I agree with @Kim Mild - when my mum died it felt like a door had closed, I just can't let people off the hook so easily anymore so my world has got that much smaller but I feel safer and happier for it.

 

[skronkywildcat]

I didn’t know this thread was here. I lost my mum to a brain tumour 5 months ago. It was awful and it all seemed to happen so fast. Diagnosed last September, operation and biopsy straight away and then radiotherapy. She was still recovering from radiotherapy until jan then her balance started to really go around Easter, she came to live with me in April and died in May. The grief didn’t really hit me until a couple of months after she died. It’s been so hard. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be happy.

 

[yankydoo]

Lost my dad last year very suddenly and horribly (accident). He was only 64 and healthy and both his parents are still alive, which just makes it worse. I completely understand the poster above saying you lose that innocence when it happens.

I still have my mum and that gives me comfort as it makes it feel like my dad is still around in a way as she talks about him a lot. I dread the day that changes.

I still can't believe it's real sometimes. He should have been around for a good while longer :-(

 

[NoHintOfDrama]

Here

Dad 13y ago next week (cancer) and Mum April 2020 (dementia and Covid).

Even at almost 50 it hurts and I am still waiting for a grown up to come along and make it all better.
---

I lost my mum to dementia in 2015. It was sort of like losing her twice, watching her decline then when she passed 10 years later.
I dream about my mum at least once a month, it used to be weekly but kind of tapered off.
I still read or hear something and think I'll call her to have a laugh then I realise she's not here.

I completely get that about losing her twice. Same with my mum and Alzheimer’s. I grieved her loss as my mother way before she actually died.

 

[Probablylurking66]

Me too. I lost my mum in 2012 when I was 19, the anniversary was recent as well. I also have dreams about her quite often, sometimes we're hugging and doing things together, and other times we might be arguing, which makes me regret any times when I was a total brat as a kid! We rarely argued though and were really close, so that hole in my life will always be there and always hurt - sometimes it hurts more than others. I don't think it's something you ever truly 'get over'. Sometimes the dreams do feel very real, so when I wake up I'm like "Oh..."

So sorry for your losses (both to previous posters and anyone reading who can also relate).

 

[Bluetomato]

I’m in this club. Both my parents in 18 months. My mum woke up incredibly unwell one morning last April, the next day we were turning off her life support. 18 months later (to the day) my dad was found dead at home. Both unexpected. Not sure how much longer I can keep going, I feel like I’m drowning.

 

[HoGi]

A customer today was moaning about something completely out of our control and then said "I guess I will just have to rely on bank of dad then" she was in her 60s.

I wanted to say well good for you as my dad's dead, but obviously didn't.

Like dont be so ungrateful. My dad died when I was 30.

 

[BoogleC]

It was 10 years last month since I lost my dad. Having spent the much of my adult life without him now I’m sad that I can’t remember how he sounds, we were never a family for taking many pictures either so I feel like I’m forgetting more and more about him.
Sending much love to you all going through it too

 

[unidentified]

Thinking of everyone at this time of year. I’ve had tears in my eyes all afternoon. Really feeling the loss of my mum even though this is Christmas number 11 without her. I’m only 37, I shouldn’t have had 11 Christmas’ without my mum. Life is so bloody cruel at times.

 

[xxAprilxx]

I lost both my parents within 6 months of each other last year to cancer, both in their 50s.
I'm not going to be the same person again.

I have young kids and I'm really struggling with them not knowing them and only knowing my in laws as grandparents. They are very different from my parents. MIL ìs a narc who said a couple of inappropriate things to me at my dad's funeral that I can't forgive.
I know that sounds awful but I don't seem to be able to change how I feel.

The loss of my support system that's been their since birth has given me a good kicking.
---

That's really tough, hope you're ok xx

Thank you xx

Sorry for your recent loss. It will still be so raw.
I completely relate to the horrible reality that is the loss of support system when we lose our parents. It's hard when the few people that will 100% be there for you are gone. It's tough not having someone you completely trust to turn to.
Re your mil, I hope your husband is supportive. x

 

[Boredofthegram]

I lost my dad 11 years ago when I was 29. I’ve only dreamt of him a couple of times since and I’ve forgotten what his voice sounds like which really upsets me. I miss him so much and hate that he never met my son. We talk about him a lot and look at photos though to keep the memory alive.

 

[yankydoo]

It's my dad's birthday today. Second one without him here :-(

 

[ThirdWorldGlam]

I do have some voice recordings of my mum and I actually cannot listen to them very often as it breaks me out so harshly. Just for those of you that would like to have more recorded memories, I'd say it's a double-edged sword to be handled carefully

 

[Loppylou89]

I’ve had a really bad day today.

This day 7 years ago is the day I had to ring an ambulance to take my dad to hospital. Never did I think he wouldn’t be coming out. 7 years tomorrow, my dad suddenly passed away. Tuesday would have been his birthday.

I rarely get upset to the extent that I have been today. I’m not sure what difference this year makes but it’s hit me harder than ever.

I hope everyone is doing okay too

 

[skronkywildcat]

I think, having lost grandparents and pets (sounds stupid now) I thought along the lines of that you’re sad for a year and then you are over it apart from to think fondly of them.

It’s totally different when it’s your parent. It’s one of those view shifting things. Like having a child and realising you aren’t the most important person in your life! Losing a parent shifts your perspective so much. The ground crumbles under your feet. Your anchor has gone. The one you depend on, your source of unconditional love. You don’t realise how much they mean to you until they aren’t there any more. I thought I didn’t need her because I was a grown up. I was so wrong.

Rebuilding a life without my mum has only just started and it’s a rocky time for my relationship with my kids, especially my only daughter - a very testing time. The teen years are hard… I only wish my mum was here to hold my hand and reassure me.

 

[Purple star]

Does anyone else feel jealous of their friends who have there parents still? I hate feeling this way but I can't switch my feels off and I can't tell anyone I feel this way as I know it's wrong
It's knowing they all still both parents and i don't have either of mine ...It just doesn't feel fair.

 

[Roobarb]

My dad passed away 3.5 years ago.

I’ve never forgiven myself that I couldn’t be there when he passed. He was terminally ill but he passed very suddenly in hospital. It was five days after my wedding and we were on honeymoon, fortunately in the UK. I was a daddy’s girl, I was very close to him and literally the last thing he did for me was get up out of his wheelchair and walk me down the aisle.

I know he’s around me. I can feel his presence and I talk to him a lot. I’ve never dreamed about my dad but I’ve seen shadows and stuff. He did give me one last gift though- an incredible family connection on his paternal side that none of us had any idea about previously. I cherish that as I truly believe it was the last gift my dad gave me.

Sending lots of love to you all xx

Please nobody beat yourselves up that you weren't there or didn't make it in time. It's not a pleasant sight seeing someone take their last breath, and the images can stay with you. Better to remember them in better times.

 

[Loppylou89]

This is such a hard time of year so please go easy on yourselves and remember it's okay to not be okay. Sending everyone love and I hope you all have the best Christmas you can