Dating someone who thinks they’re on the spectrum

[leoladyxo]

Advice please.

I’ve been dating someone for a month who says he thinks he has Aspergers, but not formally diagnosed. Things moved quickly between us and we have been spending a lot of time together whether that’s going out on dates or just hanging out at our places, cooking dinner or going on walks.

There are certain rituals that he has, that I’ve been accepting of, like how he likes to eat certain foods or how he wants to be touched or held as he has hypersensitivities.

He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was amazed that he felt what he did for me so fast. We both agreed that we felt super comfortable and connected to one another. He is very kind and a great listener, which is different from people I’ve dated before as I’ve been in two abusive relationships. I opened up to him about these and he made it clear that I was safe with him. A few days ago after we had been physical, I told told him that I was falling in love. I never put pressure on him to say anything back to me and I said we all go at our own paces, I just wanted him to know how I felt.

The next couple of days he was less cuddly and talkative. I asked him if he wanted space and he told me that he just wasn’t feeling well but still wanted me there. I’ve never seen him unwell before so I just believed him. However, last night we were at my place and he suddenly sat bolt upright and became wide eyed. I asked him if he was okay and he said that he was “petrified of hurting me”. He began crying intensely, not making any eye contact. He said he knows how I feel for him but that he isn’t emotionally there and needs to go slower and maybe needs someone who goes more at his pace. I asked him when he started feeling this way and he couldn’t pinpoint it, saying “my brain doesn’t work like this”. I asked him if we were over and he said that he didn’t know but not to wait for him. He was crying the whole time this was being talked about. I asked if he wanted to cut contact but I never got a response as he was crying so much. He left my house and drove home.

I texted him to say that he shouldn’t feel guilty for being honest because it’s the kinder thing to do in the long run. He responded to say that he’s sorry this has happened, that I’ve done nothing wrong and he’s sorry that I feel blindsided. He said that he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t feel about me what he did a few days ago. He told me that I shouldn’t settle for people who don’t treat me with kindness and respect. I haven’t responded as I don’t want to cause him any more panic by rehashing this conversation.

Is there a chance he could come back or does this sound final? I’m really cut up about all of this.

 

[justheretoread99]

Without sounding harsh 1 month is way too soon to fall in love with someone. That feeling is purely lust. It can take months and months to truly get to know someone.

It all seems very rushed in my opinion and the best thing to do at this point would be to give him space. Especially as he’s said he “needs to go slower”.

On the spectrum or not, men’s brains work totally different to women. I was seeing someone last year for a few months who told me he loved me, then 2 days later cut it off with me. They really aren’t the best at showing and talking about their true emotions.

Just leave him for now. If he does want to pursue things with you he will tell you. I always advise to my friends if he sends mixed signals then take it as a no. If they want you, you’ll know.

Concentrate on you for the time being. X

 

[coconochanel]

I think you've scared him TBH. If I was you I'd give him some space and see what happens.

 

[hereforthememe]

A few days ago after we had been physical, I told told him that I was falling in love.

Do you actually love him?

It sends alarm bells to me that you said after sex - if I guy told me he loved me (as in, the first time he said it) after sex, I would think it was the lust speaking

It's perfectly reasonably to know your feelings are heading that way early on, but make sure you really know you love someone before revealing it, and it can take months to truly know someone. I think you may have rattled him here and he needs some space

 

[Clickbait]

I was in a 4+ year relationship with someone who I believe in was on the spectrum - although not diagnosed and not aware enough to see it himself. His world revolved around what he was happy and comfortable doing - if I challenged him in any way he would retreat, if he thought I wanted to challenge him or have a conversation he didn’t want to have he would disappear: on one occasion literally running away, blocking all methods of communication with me and leaving me to have to use one of his family members to contact him.

He wouldn’t come to social events with me, he would agree to certain things and then just not turn up or cancel saying he was ill (usually at short notice/no notice) which left me having to make excuses and apologies. He would happily go to football matches and speak to strangers but not to my friends at a party or wedding (when he rarely attended) to the point I found these events challenging at best, and often stressful and ruined.

I do understand that often he could not help the way he was feeling, but the lack of communication and always having to adjust my own wants, needs, behaviours to suit him became tiring.

I admire people who can make a relationship with someone on the spectrum work long term. It requires a lot of self sacrifice.

 

[leoladyxo]

I take all of your comments on board. I bond really quickly to someone once I get feelings. I think it’s because I’ve been through abuse. I guess I felt comfortable telling him. If that’s what has ended it then it’s what ended it. I spoke to a mutual friend of ours and she told me that this is a pattern of behaviour for him and I’m the third girl he’s done this to. She said that it’s most likely not personal and this has made it easier to accept.

I have reached out to him to see how he is because it was awful seeing him distressed. I assume nothing else will come of this but I’d like to know that he is OK.

 

[judgejohndeed]

If that’s what has ended it then it’s what ended it.

If he was the right person for you then telling him what you did wouldn’t have scared him off. This is his loss not yours.

He would happily go to football matches and speak to strangers but not to my friends at a party or wedding

This guy sounds like he’s just a wanker rather than on the spectrum tbh.

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

I think there's a good possibility my partner is on the spectrum, he is and always has been very loving and demonstrative. Autism doesn't automatically mean that you don't develop loving feelings for others.

Personally, I'd stay well away from someone who seems to be lovebombing and then withholding affection and love, it sends out massive red flags to me. If someone tells you who they are, listen to them.

 

[leoladyxo]

I spoke to him on the phone and he apologised again for hurting me, said that he doesn’t know why his feelings have changed but that he notices that they definitely have and asked if we could be friends. I asked if his feelings had changed because I used the L word and he said he didn’t know whether that was the case. I told him that I didn’t think we could be friends.

Either way, my friend told me that this is a pattern and whilst I am sad, that will make it easier for me to move on as I know he most likely would have done this at some point anyway - regardless of whether I told him I’m falling for him.

 

[Purrrrrrr]

I was in a 4+ year relationship with someone who I believe in was on the spectrum - although not diagnosed and not aware enough to see it himself. His world revolved around what he was happy and comfortable doing - if I challenged him in any way he would retreat, if he thought I wanted to challenge him or have a conversation he didn’t want to have he would disappear: on one occasion literally running away, blocking all methods of communication with me and leaving me to have to use one of his family members to contact him.

He wouldn’t come to social events with me, he would agree to certain things and then just not turn up or cancel saying he was ill (usually at short notice/no notice) which left me having to make excuses and apologies. He would happily go to football matches and speak to strangers but not to my friends at a party or wedding (when he rarely attended) to the point I found these events challenging at best, and often stressful and ruined.

I do understand that often he could not help the way he was feeling, but the lack of communication and always having to adjust my own wants, needs, behaviours to suit him became tiring.

I admire people who can make a relationship with someone on the spectrum work long term. It requires a lot of self sacrifice.

This is so much like two men in my own family. Brother and nephew (Aspergers) They are extremely hard work and the older they get the harder it gets. If it's not of interest to them they don't want to know( they try to pretend but don't fool anyone) They only listen for as long as it takes to change the subject to once again be about something they are interested in. The trouble is their world is so small they only have two or three subjects they want to talk about and they will talk about those things all day every day.

When they were younger they were not so bad but my brother is in his 60s and my nephew is 50 I cried the other day because talking with my brother was so frustrating. I had a few things I wanted to say but he would keep changing the subject back to his subjects or looking for gaps to change the subject. They are both kind, both loving but more and more impossible to talk to as time goes on.

My brother will talk for ages about people he casually knows, I say I'm not really interested in them but he keeps going on, A old friend of mine died, he knew but didn't tell me when I asked why he never told me, he said oh didn't think it would interest you. What he means is, it was not of interest to him. As I have said it's getting worse and the older they get the smaller their world seems to get.
I can't remember my brother being like this when were we kid I don't think it's as noticeable, he was much younger for his age than I was but it's very noticeable now and OCD etc like more things are now going on as time passes.

 

[no-no]

This guy sounds like he’s just a wanker rather than on the spectrum tbh.

This! He’s got intimacy issues and I agree with the other post about lovebombing. He is using an excuse of Aspergers when he’s not even diagnosed. I have no time for people who don’t seek diagnosis but use it in a cliched way for the reason behind their dodgy behaviour.

Best to cut all contact but even more important to reflect on the red flags. I would definitely recommend reading up on how your abuse makes you vulnerable in relationships. You mustn’t tell potential partners this early-on, it leaves you wide open to manipulation.

I also disagree with the notion that the person who isn’t autistic has to make “sacrifices” for a relationship to work long term. A healthy relationship would involve compromise not sacrifice and finding a suitable match in a partner in the first place.

 

[JOHN1967]

This! He’s got intimacy issues and I agree with the other post about lovebombing. He is using an excuse of Aspergers when he’s not even diagnosed. I have no time for people who don’t seek diagnosis but use it in a cliched way for the reason behind their dodgy behaviour.

Best to cut all contact but even more important to reflect on the red flags. I would definitely recommend reading up on how your abuse makes you vulnerable in relationships. You mustn’t tell potential partners this early-on, it leaves you wide open to manipulation.

I also disagree with the notion that the person who isn’t autistic has to make “sacrifices” for a relationship to work long term. A healthy relationship would involve compromise not sacrifice and finding a suitable match in a partner in the first place.

On the whole, more women than men usually have MH issues, so you are basically saying that men shouldn't bother making sacrifices, if they find it hard, they should just jog on.

I disagree, if you think the person is worthwhile, than making sacrifices is not that big of a deal.

 

[no-no]

On the whole, more women than men usually have MH issues, so you are basically saying that men shouldn't bother making sacrifices, if they find it hard, they should just jog on.

I disagree, if you think the person is worthwhile, than making sacrifices is not that big of a deal.

No idea where you’ve reached that from. And Aspergers is not a mental health problem.

 

[JoeBloggs]

On the whole, more women than men usually have MH issues, so you are basically saying that men shouldn't bother making sacrifices, if they find it hard, they should just jog on.

I disagree, if you think the person is worthwhile, than making sacrifices is not that big of a deal.

Asperges is not a mental health condition, and statistically more males are on the spectrum of autism than women, all be it more women are now being diagnosed.

On the whole, more women than men usually have MH issues, so you are basically saying that men shouldn't bother making sacrifices, if they find it hard, they should just jog on.

I disagree, if you think the person is worthwhile, than making sacrifices is not that big of a deal.

Asperges is not a mental health condition, and statistically more males are on the spectrum of autism than women, all be it more women are now being diagnosed.

I do not read that the poster is suggesting the man shouldn’t make sacrifices but that relationships are a balance of compromise and that one should not have to sacrifice when the other will not. The man in question hasn’t been formally diagnosed, OP I think if you really do want to continue with him, if that is an option, then you need to speak with him, encourage a diagnosis so you can really understand the extent of his condition and if it’s something you would be prepared to consider in a partner.

I think being level headed about it, walk away. Work on yourself after your other two relationships and set boundaries.

 

[leoladyxo]

He was still on my social media but I removed and blocked him today. I didn’t like that he was still viewing my story etc / keeping tabs when he clearly doesn’t want me in his life. I don’t think that he should have access to me. It felt empowering to take that step.

I keep cycling between feeling hurt and feeling angry. He has diminished his responsibility for any part in how things ended. He came on so strong and was telling me how safe I was with him, how I blow his mind and he isn’t going anywhere - to within 24 hours, ending things completely. If he learns anything, although I don’t think he will, I hope that it’s that you cannot make declarations like that if you don’t mean them - it hurts people. I feel like I have whiplash.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I would walk away now. It never gets any easier imo.

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

You've done the right thing. What you need now is to show yourself some love and remember that his behaviour is about him and not you

 

[leoladyxo]

You've done the right thing. What you need now is to show yourself some love and remember that his behaviour is about him and not you

I have been forcing myself to go to exercise classes - LBT and then Pilates. I’m going to a social mixer on Friday night with people from those, for a family day on Saturday and watching Formula 1 with my friend on Sunday. All things I love doing. It’s just the dull pain that returns when I’m alone or stop that sucks.

 

[justheretoread99]

You’re doing all the right things!! Block him on socials, delete all his messages and any photos you have. It’s a real stinger but you’ll feel better in the long run.
Keep yourself busy with hobbies and seeing friends but please don’t rush into anything else serious. You need a good few months to be happy single.

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

I have been forcing myself to go to exercise classes - LBT and then Pilates. I’m going to a social mixer on Friday night with people from those, for a family day on Saturday and watching Formula 1 with my friend on Sunday. All things I love doing. It’s just the dull pain that returns when I’m alone or stop that sucks.

It takes a bit of time to get back to being yourself but the dull ache will go and that dull ache for a short time is much better than the crap this man may well put you through in the long run. Keep your chin up, you'll be doing great very soon x