Dating after lockdown #36 Have you dated a man? You may be entitled to compensation.

Thank(space)you · May 3, 2024

unidentified said:
Hi again all. I’m after some advice please. I’ve completely stepped back from all dating apps because I just can’t even muster up the energy to have such blah conversations anymore and it was feeling more and more impossible to actually like anyone enough to try and chat with. Anyway, my friend has a private tutor for her son and both of them kept saying shall we set you up with let’s call him Dave (he is definitely not Dave). I initially declined because he typically isnt my type physically but they kept saying they think he’s very much my type personality wise and how kind he is etc and that is RARE. Anyway, she kinda hinted to him about setting him up which he said bits to but nothing has come off it. I then said ok I’ll give a chat a go because I’m quite good at self sabotage and if my best friend thinks he could be a match then there’s something to trust. She’s not actually done anything about getting us to chat. Now she’s found out he’s younger than she thought. She thought 30 but he’s actually 26 this year. I’m 36 this year…how young is too young? For context I also have a nearly 17 year old. Everything he says and how he acts it’s not that typical 26 year old behaviour. He seems an old soul but he’s still 26. Since she found this out she’s definitely pulled back in trying to make it a match because she thinks it’s a bit icky (her husband is 5 years younger than her). Do I give up? Do I message him and ‘joke’ about the set up as an introduction? Or do I just finally accept I’m going to be single forever?

Personally, I think an age gap that was equal between my child and the man (10 years) & between the man and me (10 years) would be too much of an ickfor me.

Your language is speaking volumes here. "Do I finally accept I'm going to be single forever" your choices aren't this man or nobody else for the rest of your life, and you can't go into dating him (or anyone) with that thought process.

You deserve someone who you are attracted to, and want to date because you like them, not because you're scared there's nobody else left.

whathastheworldcometo · May 3, 2024

unidentified said:
Hi again all. I’m after some advice please. I’ve completely stepped back from all dating apps because I just can’t even muster up the energy to have such blah conversations anymore and it was feeling more and more impossible to actually like anyone enough to try and chat with. Anyway, my friend has a private tutor for her son and both of them kept saying shall we set you up with let’s call him Dave (he is definitely not Dave). I initially declined because he typically isnt my type physically but they kept saying they think he’s very much my type personality wise and how kind he is etc and that is RARE. Anyway, she kinda hinted to him about setting him up which he said bits to but nothing has come off it. I then said ok I’ll give a chat a go because I’m quite good at self sabotage and if my best friend thinks he could be a match then there’s something to trust. She’s not actually done anything about getting us to chat. Now she’s found out he’s younger than she thought. She thought 30 but he’s actually 26 this year. I’m 36 this year…how young is too young? For context I also have a nearly 17 year old. Everything he says and how he acts it’s not that typical 26 year old behaviour. He seems an old soul but he’s still 26. Since she found this out she’s definitely pulled back in trying to make it a match because she thinks it’s a bit icky (her husband is 5 years younger than her). Do I give up? Do I message him and ‘joke’ about the set up as an introduction? Or do I just finally accept I’m going to be single forever?

Neither.

You said that he was not your type initially, but you would trust your friend's judgement, now your friend does not seem to think anymore that it would be a great match ebtween you two (whether it is due to to the age difference or something else) so why wouldn't you also trust her judgment now?
I would let it go and keep living my life, without thinking of being single forever, as this person is not the last man on earth.

unidentified · May 3, 2024

Thank you. Interesting points made.
I’m very happy being single (10 years now) so I have no problem with it being no man and I said what I did because I really don’t believe there is someone that can match my mind.

blueblue · May 3, 2024

unidentified said:
And go off that rather than how he is as a person?

Yes. You said you initially declined. That's your decision. I think your friend might have pestered you into it and now you've convinced yourself there's somehow a problem with you. Don't do that to yourself.

unidentified · May 3, 2024

blueblue said:
Yes. You said you initially declined. That's your decision. I think your friend might have pestered you into it and now you've convinced yourself there's somehow a problem with you. Don't do that to yourself.

Oh I don’t think that. I’m a 10/10

Spectacles · May 3, 2024

Does anyone have any advice on finding emotionally mature men who communicate well instead of chatting and arranging a 2nd date to then just disappear? At this point I'm about to give up dating for a while

NoddyFromToytown · May 3, 2024

Spectacles said:
Does anyone have any advice on finding emotionally mature men who communicate well instead of chatting and arranging a 2nd date to then just disappear? At this point I'm about to give up dating for a while

I wish I could advise...but I don't even get a first date! I'm just replying to say that your profile picture is genuinely one of the ever! Maybe this is why I'm single as no man will ever match up to Rob...

I've realised today I literally have zero men on the horizon and can't remember the last time this happened. No dates, no chatting, no matching... it's a bit depressing actually but on the flip side I don't think I can be arsed right now to even try!

LaBlonde · May 3, 2024

Spectacles said:
Does anyone have any advice on finding emotionally mature men who communicate well instead of chatting and arranging a 2nd date to then just disappear? At this point I'm about to give up dating for a while

i think we have to carry out some kind of moonlit ritual on a hillside at a very specific time of year with lots of chanting and candles tbh.

freezelouise43 · May 3, 2024

Does anyone at this point just get really excited when a vinted parcel is in the locker awaiting collection or is this just me

BWGossip · May 3, 2024

LaBlonde said:
i think we have to carry out some kind of moonlit ritual on a hillside at a very specific time of year with lots of chanting and candles tbh.

Oh I've heard of that (works for quitting smoking too!): you have to run around naked in a field of heather

MollyMalone · May 3, 2024

LaBlonde said:
i think we have to carry out some kind of moonlit ritual on a hillside at a very specific time of year with lots of chanting and candles tbh.

Sign me up!!! You all sound great and I think we could solve all of the world's problems including men if we got together to howl at the moon

IGiveUp22 · May 4, 2024

A guy on insta had started messaging me, I wasn’t really that bothered but thought oh what the hell I’ll still reply anyway, we exchanged a couple of messages and then his insta got hacked this gave me the ick but also took it as a sign from the universe to stay away from this man

He’s got it back but never actually replied to me again so

Feeling a little sorry for myself, all my friends (all have partners) were all discussing their plans this weekend with their partners and I just thought I don’t have that. I’ve not got anyone to kind of hang about with/do stuff with which the funniest part of that, I don’t want to. I’ve got a lot of decorating to do etc but it’s just the fact that my friends lives are so different to mine and it just hits me sometimes where I feel so “behind”

Lalla · May 4, 2024

On a work call yesterday our manager wanted us to share what we were up to over the bank holiday of course I'm the only one who wasn't spending it with their partner/ spouse or visiting parents. I try to remind myself that half these people will be having a shit time, having to get through certain situations with gritted teeth and that at least we singletons can just please ourselves, do what we want to and that freedom is something I do really appreciate.

That said, I've got a friend who is currently dating and keeps trying to persuade me back into the apps. She's one of those lucky people who has had nothing but positive experiences - been on multiple dates, every bloke has wanted to see her again (and kept on contact) and they've all seemed to be nice people. I have said this very much wasn't my experience - and I was dating 10+ years ago when it was probably easier than now - but I think she thinks I'm just putting myself down and being negative/ lacking in confidence.

Thank(space)you · May 4, 2024

Lalla said:
On a work call yesterday our manager wanted us to share what we were up to over the bank holiday of course I'm the only one who wasn't spending it with their partner/ spouse or visiting parents. I try to remind myself that half these people will be having a shit time, having to get through certain situations with gritted teeth and that at least we singletons can just please ourselves, do what we want to and that freedom is something I do really appreciate.

That said, I've got a friend who is currently dating and keeps trying to persuade me back into the apps. She's one of those lucky people who has had nothing but positive experiences - been on multiple dates, every bloke has wanted to see her again (and kept on contact) and they've all seemed to be nice people. I have said this very much wasn't my experience - and I was dating 10+ years ago when it was probably easier than now - but I think she thinks I'm just putting myself down and being negative/ lacking in confidence.

She is definitely the exception. Can she share her magic please?

Rayne · May 4, 2024

Lalla said:
On a work call yesterday our manager wanted us to share what we were up to over the bank holiday of course I'm the only one who wasn't spending it with their partner/ spouse or visiting parents. I try to remind myself that half these people will be having a shit time, having to get through certain situations with gritted teeth and that at least we singletons can just please ourselves, do what we want to and that freedom is something I do really appreciate.

That said, I've got a friend who is currently dating and keeps trying to persuade me back into the apps. She's one of those lucky people who has had nothing but positive experiences - been on multiple dates, every bloke has wanted to see her again (and kept on contact) and they've all seemed to be nice people. I have said this very much wasn't my experience - and I was dating 10+ years ago when it was probably easier than now - but I think she thinks I'm just putting myself down and being negative/ lacking in confidence.

Are these men you would want to date yourself though is the question

LaBlonde · May 4, 2024

Lalla said:
That said, I've got a friend who is currently dating and keeps trying to persuade me back into the apps. She's one of those lucky people who has had nothing but positive experiences - been on multiple dates, every bloke has wanted to see her again (and kept on contact) and they've all seemed to be nice people. I have said this very much wasn't my experience - and I was dating 10+ years ago when it was probably easier than now - but I think she thinks I'm just putting myself down and being negative/ lacking in confidence.

this is my best friend! i know she probably only really tells me the “good” stuff but it sometimes feels like she just has the best and most fun time dating (like she re-downloaded bumble and in two days had a date with a hot spanish guy?! who wanted to see her again?! but she wasn’t sure because ANOTHER hot guy was really keen?!) - like, am i downloading the wrong apps?!

i think, like i know you and i have said before, it is something that just seems to be so easy for a lot of women and has never ever ever been a thing that is easy for me. i’m so happy with my life in general that i wish i could just get over myself on this one point. it makes me miserable and yet i also want it (or some idealised version of it) to happen. idk if that even makes sense but i am starting to realise that the type of man i want, or at least the type of dating experience i want or the type of relationship i want, is extremely unlikely to happen. and that’s fine. i just wish i was at the point where i felt okay about that

Lalla · May 4, 2024

Rayne said:
Are these men you would want to date yourself though is the question

It's a good point. They all apparently have decent jobs, and she says they are respectful, funny and attractive. I've not seen any of them though, and whether they would float my boat (or whether I would immediately have swiped left) is another matter.

I know I am fussy. I also know that I am not someone 99% of men would date (I don't know why, that's just how it is. I think I shared long ago that when I was at uni, I was frequently told men saw me as future wife material but had no interest in dating me, then when I was in my 20s and 30s I was seen as casual fun material but not for anything long term. And now I'm in my 50s...well I don't think I'm seen at all tbh).

Like you @LaBlonde I'm really happy with my life in general. In my case thanks to menopause I now also don't have any hormonal compulsion to date (which is a relief in many ways) but part of me - the competitive over achiever part - can't help but wonder why my dating and relationship history has been so fraught and unsuccessful.

Fledgling Psycho · May 4, 2024

@Lalla I get this. Sometimes it's said "and who is the common denominator in all these situations" eek ...and yet I remain convinced I've never attracted a "normal" person to this day!

unidentified · May 4, 2024

I’m rewatching Bridgerton series 1. Can I have a bit of that please.

freezelouise43 · May 4, 2024

IGiveUp22 said:
A guy on insta had started messaging me, I wasn’t really that bothered but thought oh what the hell I’ll still reply anyway, we exchanged a couple of messages and then his insta got hacked this gave me the ick but also took it as a sign from the universe to stay away from this man
He’s got it back but never actually replied to me again so

Feeling a little sorry for myself, all my friends (all have partners) were all discussing their plans this weekend with their partners and I just thought I don’t have that. I’ve not got anyone to kind of hang about with/do stuff with which the funniest part of that, I don’t want to. I’ve got a lot of decorating to do etc but it’s just the fact that my friends lives are so different to mine and it just hits me sometimes where I feel so “behind”

I’m with you! I got so fed up and joined a local social group on Facebook, but it was literally retired people who just wanted to go down the local pub! I’m 45 but I’m a young 45 in that o look and dress young and still like fun stuff! All my actual friends have families like you said- I just want friends to go and have adventures with

---

Lalla said:
It's a good point. They all apparently have decent jobs, and she says they are respectful, funny and attractive. I've not seen any of them though, and whether they would float my boat (or whether I would immediately have swiped left) is another matter.

I know I am fussy. I also know that I am not someone 99% of men would date (I don't know why, that's just how it is. I think I shared long ago that when I was at uni, I was frequently told men saw me as future wife material but had no interest in dating me, then when I was in my 20s and 30s I was seen as casual fun material but not for anything long term. And now I'm in my 50s...well I don't think I'm seen at all tbh).

Like you @LaBlonde I'm really happy with my life in general. In my case thanks to menopause I now also don't have any hormonal compulsion to date (which is a relief in many ways) but part of me - the competitive over achiever part - can't help but wonder why my dating and relationship history has been so fraught and unsuccessful.

Same! I was always the bit of fun girl, the “stop gap” or rebound girl, now I’m 45 i think men still don’t take me seriously! Like im not stupid, I work really hard and read and travel…I do have the blonde barbie thing going on but surely I’m allowed my own style? these men seem to be super critical and picky but then end up settling for other women…

I’ve given up trying to understand it

Dating after lockdown #36 Have you dated a man? You may be entitled to compensation.

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