Dating after lockdown #10 Morris dancing with red flags

[katyazamo]

I have questions: Do you guys ever tell a man when they’ve hurt your feelings?
What are peoples cut of for not receiving a response or text? Do You go so far to block or just archive? Why is everything such a vicious circle .

I've sent MANY paragraphs to guys in the past who hurt my feelings and I really regret it and feel embarrassed about it now. They didn't give a shit. I think a lot of us feel like blocking is extreme because these guys haven't committed a henious crime but it's all about peace of mind. The shit thing is that they rarely learn from it and they'll just find someone else to screw over.

I used to just delete the chat but would never block because it felt harsh, and stupid ol' me would end up falling for the BS when they inevitably reached out a few months later to get a leg over. This is why things like therapy and working on yourself is so important. I used to place all my value and worth on what guys thought of me and removing them from the picture was a real eye-opener.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Sometimes I think we only post the bad stuff on here.. Anyone got anything good going?

We had the best date night on Friday.. He always makes me feel so excited to see him and I missed him before he had even kissed me goodbye

 

[Fourcandles]

Ah fuckit. I was three dates in with someone and just got to that point where I let the excitement get in and start thinking about where it’d go but he today (very nicely) told me he is going to exclusively date someone he’s a bit further along the line with dating.

He obviously wasn’t the one for me but it’s so tiring getting knocked down and having to pick yourself back up again.

going to have a large drink and an early night tonight I think.

 

[hereforthememe]

I'm going on a date tomorrow with a different guy again!

I don't think I'm ready for a serious relationship, but I've never really dated before so it's nice to get excited about meeting new people and actually learning what I want/don't want when I am ready to settle down

This guy has just the right level of cheeky flirting without it being over the top with the sexual stuff, and he's actually made me laugh via text so

 

[Clickbait]

The guy who I mentioned in the last thread about ignoring me messaged last night.. anyone want to guess what his excuse was?

Upto his eyeballs with work..yet it was a whole 48 hours of being ignored. It takes a few seconds to send a message and considering he's been online pretty much all the time it's damn right rude!

Meant to be going on a date tomorrow with him tomorrow

Honestly I’d just leave him on read, and skip the date. Don’t bother cancelling it either, he really isn’t worth the effort.

As we’ve been discussing there is something about setting the tone for a relationship and what you’re willing to put up with. Being ignored is a pet hate of yours so this is just not going to work for you.

 

[Fourcandles]

T

Aww.. I feel hurt for you We’re all here for you if you need to talk or vent.

I hate how greedy some people are with dating. There’s keeping your options open and then there’s leading people too far along.

Thank you. I almost want to laugh at myself because it was only a few weeks ago I was asking for advice on how to let someone else down gently and now here I am! Karma maybe.

As many people have said before on here it’s genuinely lovely to have a place where you feel empathy from others - my best mate is brilliant but I’ve already had a ‘oh well, it was only three dates so not much time wasted’ message from her, I think being in a relationship with the same person from school means you just don’t get how soul destroying dating can feel!

I’m a pretty resilient soul, I’ll feel miles better in the morning but definitely going to wallow for the evening

 

[NoseyNiamh]

Been seeing the same guy for nearly 5 months now. All going well and met families etc. Bare in a mind I'm a massive overthinker and have managed to keep it contained as had no reason to with this guy.

Anyway, arranged for him to come down tonight and was texting as normal but mentioned he hadn't been feeling well so might not make it. I stupidly just called him out on it saying was it cos he didn't actually want to come down. It's the only night we could do this week so prob wouldn't have seen each for a while. He's never cancelled or rearranged before.

He said not to be silly and he was genuinely ill. He then messaged a couple of hours later saying he's feeling better now after food and a nap so looking likely to come down after all.

Was I just over thinking? I've had it before with guys when they say the whole feeling ill when you're meant to meet up thing as the beginning of being phased out.

I think you did overthink. Its the first time he has done this in 5 months, cut the guy some slack.
The fact that he has pulled himself together and going ahead with the plan says a lot.

If you do feel you are starting to overthink things, pop on to this thread first before messaging him.

Enjoy your evening with him and enjoy what seems to be a great relationship so far

 

[hereforthememe]

Does anyone else getting this feeling of doom immediately come over them when they say

' I'm in bed babe, what you doing ? ' ... ' I'm the bath babe, what you doing ?' ...you just know the next sentences are going to take the form of " I'm soo horny " " I wish you were here babe " 🥱

Tell me you're desperate for a shag without telling me you're desperate for a shag springs to mind

"I want to find my life partner really... What type of thong you wearing? "

I can't cope

 

[justapossum]

I think that’s lovely- it’s letting someone down gently...I think the “no chemistry” thing is really hurtful having been on receiving end so many times, this way you’re letting them down but not making it sbout them

I personally prefer "no chemistry", as it just means there wasn't a spark which is fair enough, you can't force one. I would rather that honesty than someone feeding me lies of "I'm just too busy with work to have a relationship right now" - because it's like, well you knew you were an adult with a job before we went on this date, so that's clearly just an excuse?

 

[NoseyNiamh]

What if the fault you're looking for is actually a micro penis?

Are you trying to curse this ???
I had a bit of a feel...accidentally. I can confirm it's not a micro penis. Praise the Lord

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Life is good when there’s no men to stress you out

 

[testingonetwothreefoiur]

The brain likes what’s familiar. This is true of bad habits, destructive behaviour, self sabotage etc. They become our “safety”. When you get used to sh1tty half-aRsed behaviour from men, the brain can connect that with sexual attraction, or a “comfort zone” in relationships and can default to that. This new guy presents something different - something emotionally healthy that represents an equal, wholesome partnership. So of course it’s uncomfortable. Someone is treating you how you deserve to be treated. And your brain is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hang in there, it’s just growing pains

Sorry for the armchair psychology, I’ve done a hell of a lot of my own personal growth to come out the other side and realise that bloody hell, I deserve a bit of peace and happiness in my own love life.

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

@misscl4 I am 28 and I’ve never dated someone my own age or in their 20s.

Even when I first started going on dates at 23 the guys I met were 32+ .

The one guy I really liked and got ghosted by was 10 years older at the time. I was 26, he was 36. There has to be a reason he’s now 38 and still not settled but the same could be said about me.

this year again I’ve gone on dates with men older than me - from 34 up. In my little head I think the older they are they more mature or got their shit together they will be... Well, often they haven’t been.

I went on a date with a 47 year old this year and another who was 48 but lied and told me he was much younger. I’ve never known someone to lie so much about the little things like his age or the fact his mums not actually got cancer?!

My conclusion is that Men are weird whatever age they are. A lot are stubborn, many think they’re gods gift, also many think they’re old fashioned and moan about the younger men nowadays but really most just want to shag anything they can and behave exactly the same as men my age

rant over

 

[hereforthememe]

I'm going on another date tonight! Lets see how this one goes

 

[square_spoon]

Tell him there’s no chemistry that’s a fantastic way to get rid of someone fast

...or that you've never felt chemistry like this in your life before and want to build a future with him

Usually sends them running from my experience

 

[BunnyLebowski]

We are attracted to what we subconsciously think we deserve as my counsellor said.
If you’re anything like me, I know I deserve more than these weird guys I choose, but I’m so used to the drama and instability from previous relationships that when someone acts completely normal and has stability I’m like ew minging, and opt to speak to terrible people instead. Do you find you push away the nice guys?

Yes spot on. I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise to anyone that I suffered a lot of violence from my dad which I recall started as a toddler.

People being brutal are helping me so much! I even went for a swim this afternoon and put fresh bedding on my bed. Usually I would have spent it drinking wine and trawling tinde.r.

you have honestly helped me progress so much, I’m finally being honest with myself. I’m not going to the pub tonight, I’m staying in, watching Strictly with a Thai red curry.

 

[katyazamo]

Hey,

Sorry to come back with another aspect to this ridiculous story but. I went to see my counsellor last night and she said she can see the progress in me identifying that I don't want to be with another waste of space. I told her I tried to explain to him why I don't think we should be together but he was being defensive and then trying to pick out things I do which he doesn't like as opposed to listening to my concerns etc. I said how he keeps calling on No Caller ID to try and 'sort it out' even though I gave my reasons, and when I did unblock he started coming back at me with more 'you could've done this/said this'. She said keep him blocked and don't say anything because if you unblock and explain yourself, you show him you're emotionally invested still.

I just feel like I'm being super harsh? He just rang on No Caller ID just then and asked if I have blocked him again so I said yes, then he said should I cancel what we have booked for the weekend then?
(we were supposed to stay in a hotel near his which I paid for, go for food and shisha on the Friday and for a meal, then he booked us into the sky garden at night for a live band and drinks on the Saturday. Then he wanted to introduce me to his friends)
and I said yeah and he went off the phone. He sounded dead deflated and sad and it broke me a bit Before this nonsense he was so lovely, we'd never really had a row or anything but I just don't think we're compatible in the long term. Also we live opposite ends of the country to each other.

I don't even know what I want anyone to say I feel awful and mean, but I also think maybe this is normal when you put a boundary in place with someone which you wouldn't have done before? I always date men with nothing going for them in life, then I ignore red flags and end up letting them take the power, then when they ultimately upset me I am like wtf. Am I a horrible bitch? Hearing someone sad and being like yeah well cancel and I'm not unblocking seems terrible.

Think I said in an earlier post but we've been made to think that blocking someone is harsh. Even the word "block" itself sounds harsh when you say it out loud (or is that just me?!). You've said your piece and he needs to respect that and move on. And yes, that means to cancel the plans for the weekend. It's shit when someone puts a pin in things or decides they're no longer interested. It's fine to feel sad about it, of course it is. But at the same time...it's not your job to build him back up again. He needs to accept it for what it is.

Don't get dragged into the whole block/unblock/block cycle with him because unfortunately people like this don't seem to take a telling.

This is a bit of a side note tbh but as women, we've been conditioned to always be smiling and available and kind, and never to be firm or assertive because that makes us a bitch/cow remember you're not responsible for someone else's happiness.

 

[NoseyNiamh]

Went on my second date last night, it was generally quite good and he was fun but it took a bit of a nasty turn when I said I wasn’t going home with him. He bombarded me with messages while I was on the way home and was quite aggressive with it. It shook me up a little bit. I blocked him on WhatsApp and today got a text message from him saying could we treat it as a misunderstanding that got out of hand and try again. Honestly, who thinks that is the right way to respond to being blocked? I would have thought that was a clear indication that I wanted nothing more to do with him.

I feel a bit sad and unnerved that he felt so entitled to me. I’ve never had a man behave or react like that before.

Second date and he behaves like a sex pest. I cannot understand the behaviour us as females have to deal with.
Imagine if you decided to see him again and still were not ready to go home with him, it would probably be worse than some aggressive messages.
I'm so angry

 

[Fourcandles]

I’m flying home today after a really lovely few days However I kind of have that sad / what’s going to happen / how is he feeling anxiety about it all which isn’t nice.. but the weekend itself was perfect

i was just thinking about you and wondering how your weekend had gone as I was reading through the board. So pleased it lived up to expectations. Did you have a conversation about how/if you’ll see each other again?

After being ditched by the fella I was interested in on Tuesday I went on a major swiping spree, had a good last minute first date on weds and seeing him again tonight. He’s very keen which isn’t normally my bag but he’s also a total babe (and 5 inches taller than the one who ditched me )

 

[Gairlfb]

Sometimes I think we only post the bad stuff on here.. Anyone got anything good going?

We had the best date night on Friday.. He always makes me feel so excited to see him and I missed him before he had even kissed me goodbye

I haven’t posted much on here recently but things have been going really well with someone I started seeing in August . Just got home after spending most of this weekend together and it just feels very easy and fun so I’m trying not to let bad past experiences get in my head and just get on with enjoying it!