Dating after lockdown #10 Morris dancing with red flags

[justapossum]

I just think when you put “no chemistry” it’s a way of saying you’re not attracted to the person and can leave them feeling really bad about themselves..every time it’s been said to me it’s stung to the point I now believe I’m not attractive to the opposite sex and hence won’t date- I’ll just focus on anya.
if That’s the 3rd or 4th time someone had heard that then imaginehow much it hurts. It’s put me off dating full stop xx

But maybe it's because you take it personally? And I understand why you would given your experiences but for me, no spark doesn't stand for "no physical attraction". I can find someone attractive, and they could be ticking all of my boxes - but if there's no spark, there's no spark. A spark is simply a feeling. And it's nothing to do with them at all.

 

[Bagpuss7]

....surprise surprise no phone call ! He was mr chatty til I asked what time he was calling me ...the silence has been deafening since ! He's going in the bin, the fact this is his 2nd ' chance' and he promised he would call and he promised he wouldn't hurt me again!!

 

[boomska]

I know! The superio of these smug marrieds trotting out these cliches! So annoying. Just fucking comfort me and tell me everything will be ok. I don’t need your cringey platitudes. I do not believe for one second that anyone of these coupled up people would be any less distraught at the possibility of a lifetime of loneliness.

Also, the ‘join a book club/walking group’ Bullshit. Yeah that helps but FFS Esther Rantzen said it best after her husband died…… she said ’ I have lots of brilliant friends and I always have someone to do something with….but I have no one to do nothing with’.

and that’s the killer. Never thought I’d quote Esther Ranthzen.

omg tell me about it and the classic “it’ll happen when you’re not looking for it.” Well I’ll stop swiping, stop going out, and sit in my PJ’s waiting for Prince Charming to break through my front door…right soo I don’t think my Prince Charming is a burglar!

 

[Clickbait]

New to dating and new to the forum. Signed up to a few dating apps for the first time ever. What should I look out for? I really want to meet someone new but I’m also quite scared and reading bad experiences on here doesn’t help. Is this normal?

This is written from the point of view that you’re a straight woman looking for a man, apologies if that’s not the case but below will probably still apply.

Sadly there are a lot of time wasters and fuck boys but they can be spotted pretty early by listening to your instincts and watching out for the red flags.

Here are some general tips for you:

* Don’t give out too much personal information before you are comfortable with someone so avoid: full name, address, workplace. You don’t need this info to get to know someone.

* Shut down the conversations that are leading in a direction you are not comfortable with - often this is overly sexual way too quickly.

* Don’t be pressured into meeting someone too quickly - often this is by men who say they’re “not looking for a pen pal” or variation on this. If they’re too impatient to send a few text messages to get to know you, how would they be at meeting your needs in a relationship?

* Establish what it is you’re looking for from this process and don’t allow yourself to be deviated/distracted by men who have been clear they don’t want/can’t offer you that. They’ve been honest and you proceed at your own risk.

* Meet them in a public place and let someone know where you’re going. Get someone to call you after an hour if you like which will offer an out if you’re not feeling it.

* Enjoy the process, it should be fun. If it’s becoming a chore or you’re not enjoying it then have a break. The apps and the men will still be there when you come back.

 

[gelicahah]

@Bettyboo2021 sorry to hear you are having a crap time. I really hope its the promotion that is affecting you and not some guy you went on one date with

You know the reason you didn't get the promotion...your boss didn't want to lose you. Its very unfair!

Regarding your date, I think you are being a bit harsh on the guy. We have all been on dates with people that we just don't connect with and that is fine. I think 45 mins is standard time for a date (when one of the parties isn't really feeling it). Don't take it personally. I have been on so many first dates that just haven't gone anywhere and I never give them a second thought.

Also this may sound like a very unpopular opinion but do you really have to take Anya on the dates. I know she is still a baby, but could you arrange for a friend to sit with her while you are out. If you don't feel comfortable with that, maybe take a break from dating until she is settled in her home.

You really are a great person and you are absolutely stunning (I remember you posted pics a while back) so don't let some random guy affect you or your mood.

100% agree with the dog thing

@Bettyboo2021 Let me preface things by saying i'm a crazy dog lady, i have almost broken up with a previous bf because he pretended to be into dogs for the first few months together then when i started planning to actually get one he said " i'll never let a dog in my house, i don't like them" so i completely get being dog obsessed.

That said, seeing how much you mention her and how attached you are to her (and i get seeing how you just lost the other dog) i can see how it could be off putting for a guy if he showed up to a date and a lot of the attention was put on the dog. I am not there during your dates, but i'm assuming you talk about her a lot, you did that in your text conversation with Gareth (and he probably went along with it to keep the conversation going but proably didn't really care about the dog), i don't know if you're one of those people that does baby voices to their dog in public, like if at a pub the waiter asks if you want a bowl of water for your dog and you turn to her and say in a baby voice "would you like some water honey? uh?" but i know for a fact it really raises red flags in guys, it's a clear indication they will always come second to the dog and no one wants to be in that position. Even in the conversation you posted with this last guy you said "me and Anya are here" even if you mentioned her before on this thread i thought for a second you were there with another person waiting for this guy. The guy is on a date with you, not the dog, the dog is just coming along and it's hopefully not the center of the conversation/attention during the whole date.

I think this last guy was a dick and things weren't going to progress regardless so it's good that at least you didn't waste time on him, but for the future maybe consider leaving the dog home at least for the first date and if you do talk about her A LOT maybe try to limit that at first, i think even a dog lover would be put off by too much attention being put on her.

I hope this wasn't too harsh, i had to make the assumption about you "putting her at the center" of the date and i apologize if i'm wrong and you just bring her along so she's not alone and you just ignore her/just have her by your side during the date and that's it, like i said i'm dog obsessed and i've made the mistake in the past of talking too much about it with guys before i realised i'm the only one that cares that much about my dog, no one else.

 

[hereforthememe]

Finally got a text back last night to say he had no energy to text me back. What the actual fuck?

Anyway, I said I'm over it. How can you not have the energy to text back for over 24 hours when you have the energy to go out drinking two nights in a row - I found this out also last night

I deserve better than this he takes full on advantage of my forgiveness and I think I've shocked him this time that I haven't, and told him to do one.

 

[BunnyLebowski]

Ok gang, I’m back home safely. He turned out to be a fucking nutter. Such a shame, he was adorable for the first hour, then had a shot on sambuka and turned nasty. Like really nasty. I haven’t blocked him yet cos I want to screen shot the msgs he keeps sending me now.

But you know what, thanks to you guys, I’m not actually that upset, and I left at the first sign of a red flag. I’m more upset I missed Strictly. Love you guys.

 

[square_spoon]

Also perhaps controversially but I've never been comfortable with the whole kink thing. Mainly because in my experience it has been how a man can dominate a woman. I've never heard of any experience where it has been a 50/50 experience where the woman has been in agreement without the pressure to somehow please the man .

No thanks. Unless it is under my suggestion I would much rather you go down on me and treat my sexual pleasure as important than try to assert your own dominance for your own pleasure...

And to edit. This has been from my own experience of overly dominant men who clearly only want to practice what they think they enjoy and also friends who have been influenced to be sexually dominated by men when otherwise they would not want to be because they think it will make them happy..

That's not to say some might not enjoy it but I do think it is not an even playing ground. Mostly it is used by men to dominate women for their own pleasure without taking into account how the woman feels.

When done properly it is about mutual pleasure and respect. The trouble is since fifty shades brought it more into the public domain every idiot with a dating profile fancies himself as a Tesco Value brand knockoff Christian Grey. I enjoy kink when it’s actual kink, not with some a-hole who watched a movie on telly and decided using and abusing women for his own gratification was the way forward.

 

[JustASmidge]

I'm a lurker and a non-smug married - interested in this thread as online dating can really suck, and I had some similar experiences to lots of you: being ghosted, absolutely agonising over a kind reply to someone I wasn't interested in meeting again and then getting a snotty reply saying "got it - have a nice life" etc, being freaked out by the idea of sleeping with someone new after being single for a couple of years (and having my confidence knocked by my controlling ex before that - nowhere near as bad as some have to put up with, but enough for it to have long-lasting effects...).

So I really feel for those of you having a bad time at the moment - dating should be fun, and it's so often just not! So I wanted to share some things that helped me along the way, and the not-so-firework filled first date with my now-husband in the hope that it will give some people hope...

Firstly, and the most useful to me - the book "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (I'm sorry if this has been recommended already and I missed it). God, so many lightbulb moments in this book! It's really humourous and supportive, and stresses that you just shouldn't give your time or consideration to anyone who isn't it to you, and explains how if they are into you they will SHOW it, right from the start. There are so many examples of how men display that they're not into you, and I've definitely been on the receiving end of a few of them. In fact several from my dickish ex alone! It made me extra-frustrated for putting up with him for so long, but it was great for carrying on with dating clear-eyed and knowing the kind of thing that I was looking for.

Then a couple of quotes "The best way of getting over a man is to get under a different one" - from my friend's granny! Maybe a common saying, but I hadn't heard it before. Lighthearted, of course, but she helped give me the confidence to get out there again

And then encouragement to be vigilant for those signs of being not-that-into you - not paranoid or pessimistic, just realistic, along the lines of:
"The problem with wearing rose-coloured glasses is that all the red flags just look like flags" (from Bojack Horseman!)

And then finally - some really good things can start without wild sparks or immediate, hugely obvious chemistry. I met my husband in a pub for our first date, he was a bit nervous and awkward, but we got chatting and stayed there for about 4 hours. I remember emailing a friend later saying "Yeah, he's really nice - not quite what I was expecting somehow, but I had a nice time" - decent praise, but not exactly raving! He suggested another date as we left, and was texting me in between- we went for dinner and he insisted on paying "so you'll have to see me again if you want to pay next time" (not said in a creepy way!). And I did meet him again, of course, but it was definitely a slow burn, and he even ended up asking me if I was into him, as he "sometimes thought so but am not quite sure", and he wanted to make sure we weren't wasting each other's time, and I had to convince him that yes, I really liked him and wanted to keep seeing him - but it was a slow and not exactly wildly romantic start! But after a few weeks and about 5 dates everything clicked and the feeling was finally, properly mutual, he ended up moving in after 3 months as his rental contract was up and we were spending all our time at each other's houses, we got married - 8 years ago and counting! So sometimes they just need to be a decent person and interested in you to start with, and the chemistry does follow!

But read that book, honestly - it's so helpful!
(And if you're struggling to get over someone, the guy wrote another book called "It's called a break-up because it's broken" - apparently that's great as well, although I didn't need it because it was all too evident what a disaster my previous relationship was and it was nothing but a relief to be out of it!)

 

[BunnyLebowski]

Does anyone know why men these days think they are all going to pull supermodels? I definitely don’t ever go for looks yet I’m finding as I get older it’s gotten worse- Friday nights experience etc...I’m a normal sized person with a normal face...I’m not putting myself up for it anymore, these men are vile. Deleted all the apps I’ve been hurt one too many times to ever give someone else the chance to do it again, it’ll be my fault if it happens again for letting it, if I have to grow old alone with Anya it’s better than the pain of constant rejection- these men want someone that’s doesn’t exist

Betty babe, calm down. it’s going to be ok and I promise you won’t grow old alone. But listen, you’ve been acting desperate, just like I was and people can smell that a mile off And it’s not attractive. No man wants to be with a woman who clearly doesn’t value herself.

Take time out, hang out with us and just start to learn to value yourself. Only then, will you get the man you deserve. If I can do it, you can do it. Get on the Strictly and Bake off threads on here. They’re fucking hilarious and stop me feeling lonely when I’m watching telly on my own. I’ve made so much progress in this last couple of weeks, so you can too xxx

 

[LittleBird]

Guess who's got a boyfriend?

 

[katyazamo]

Anyone that starts with “I’m not trying to be funny” is someone that is never going to be funny and is probably going to be a neggy cunt. I wouldn’t engage with this nonsense, because that’s what it is. He’s throwing his toys out the pram and seems to be trying to wear you down. You deserve better. What age is he?

You beat me to it, basically typed out the same comment haha. I cannot understand what he's trying to say. Why is he adding letters on to everyy few wordss like thiss?

 

[princess279]

Sometimes I think we only post the bad stuff on here.. Anyone got anything good going?

We had the best date night on Friday.. He always makes me feel so excited to see him and I missed him before he had even kissed me goodbye

I broke my 10 month dry spell with the guy I’ve been seeing last night, he cooked me dinner, bought my favourite wine and watched a film. Finally

 

[LaurieLaurie]

It was a holiday this time but I can guarantee he will react the same when you are trying to have a night out with your friends etc.

 

[NoseyNiamh]

As you all know I went on a few dates with a guy and i was very excited because it was going well. But I got to date 4 and realised that there wasn't actually a spark and I wasn't attracted to him. I was so blindsided by being treated right for a change that I didn't take into account how I actually felt about him.

So I went ahead with date 5 and I hated every minute of it. As soon as he left I knew I had to tell him. I was honest and just said I was unable to offer him what he needed and I was calling time on things as I didn't want to waste his time .

He questioned me on this and I explained that we didn't have much in common, our lives were different and their wasn't enough of a spark to make me want to share parts of my life with him.
Harsh but he got the message and thanked me for being so honest.

Honesty is best ...but don't be too brutal

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I just had my date.

It was nice, we went for a long walk and then had a drink, but I don't fancy him.
I knew this the minute I saw him and I think he posted a few outdated photos and also seems a bit insecure. Not my type.

So since the guy that is about to move to another country I haven't really met anyone I like (although I only had a couple of dates) and am a bit tired of dating.

In addition, I have to sit a test soon, in family law which I don't really enjoy. I thought I would find it interesting but most of the case studies are really depressing.

So will will stay away from this forum for a week or so, to be able to catch up and hopefully pass the test.

Have a good time until then and take care of yourselves.

 

[NoseyNiamh]

Evening gang. ‍🩹
Happy belated birthday @boomska. I’m So glad it’s going well @NoseyNiamh and @LittleBird. Can we buy hats Xx

Just running my head through something/ ruminating.

If a guy hasn’t text at all for a few days - week but has read a text message from you and not replied he’s ignoring right?

What do we do when this happens? My normal reaction is to jump through hoops or do whatever it is they want me to so I am a “good girl” I hate being ignored and it triggers all my critical self doubt and negative beliefs.
I know logically the thing to do isn’t to get to a point where someone ignores you or has those feelings towards you and not reach out.

I have questions: Do you guys ever tell a man when they’ve hurt your feelings?
What are peoples cut of for not receiving a response or text? Do You go so far to block or just archive? Why is everything such a vicious circle .

Thanks...you can all be bridesmaids

Before I would check my phone constantly to see if they have messaged me, but now I am setting myself some boundaries and one of them is the ignoring of messages. If a guy now ignores a message for longer than 24 hours (without a valid excuse like they have died) then I'm removing them from my life.

Also why bother telling them they hurt you, they have already shown they don't care by ignoring you

 

[NoseyNiamh]

I just think when you put “no chemistry” it’s a way of saying you’re not attracted to the person and can leave them feeling really bad about themselves..every time it’s been said to me it’s stung to the point I now believe I’m not attractive to the opposite sex and hence won’t date- I’ll just focus on anya.
if That’s the 3rd or 4th time someone had heard that then imaginehow much it hurts. It’s put me off dating full stop xx

I suppose it all comes down to the person's definition of spark. I wouldn't include looks. I have been with people that I found very very attractive but after spending more time with them I realise that there is no actual spark between us, it was just sex due to the mutual attraction.

I have said it before, I seen you when you posted your lovely pics with your dog. You are stunning looking, so gorgeous. Men are definitely not referring to your looks when they mention a spark.

 

[hereforthememe]

Ermmm so I met a guy a few weeks ago on a meetup and changed numbers but we all did in a group so thought nothing of it

Long story short, we both have no plans for today so we are going on a date

 

[NoseyNiamh]

@Bettyboo2021 sorry to hear you are having a crap time. I really hope its the promotion that is affecting you and not some guy you went on one date with

You know the reason you didn't get the promotion...your boss didn't want to lose you. Its very unfair!

Regarding your date, I think you are being a bit harsh on the guy. We have all been on dates with people that we just don't connect with and that is fine. I think 45 mins is standard time for a date (when one of the parties isn't really feeling it). Don't take it personally. I have been on so many first dates that just haven't gone anywhere and I never give them a second thought.

Also this may sound like a very unpopular opinion but do you really have to take Anya on the dates. I know she is still a baby, but could you arrange for a friend to sit with her while you are out. If you don't feel comfortable with that, maybe take a break from dating until she is settled in her home.

You really are a great person and you are absolutely stunning (I remember you posted pics a while back) so don't let some random guy affect you or your mood.