This drive to be independent, to have absolute, dictatorial control of my life and my mood acts both as a protective superpower and as self-restricting blinkers. To be in love, I have to accept that I will at times be disappointed - as I too will disappoint in return. Perhaps to invite these disappointments is a mistake and a failure on my part to take care of myself. It could also be the gateway to a more flexible, honest, forgiving form of relationship. Either way: I don’t know. But the confusion is all part of the process, both of my wider life and of my desire to love.