Cheating in relationships

[SnooperTrooper]

I fully understand I'm going to be judged for this. Believe me, I judge myself. Pre warning, it's long.

I've been in a relationship now for 9 years. We have 3 kids.
2 years ago, I met a guy who lives in the US (I'm in the UK) through a mutual hobby.
And we instantly became good friends, along with other people within this hobby.
To begin with, it was purely friendship.
Whilst I felt like he was the one person I could turn to, it was still friendship. I ended up confiding in him with everything, and him the same. Including arguments with my Husband ect
Right before we actually became close and spoke one to one, my partner made it clear he wasn't happy with me talking to these people, even as a group. Because it included males.
I am a 31 year old stay at home Mum who hasn't worked since her first was born 8 years ago, so I don't have any friends really.

My husband isn't the most understanding of people and I've basically brought up the 3 kids by myself without help from him.
Along with that and his anger issues, whilst never physical, always walk on egg shells as to not trigger it, I found myself distancing from him. But as soon as we were without the children, we were back to being our old selves.

My relationship with this guy grew. And normal conversations turned to the odd flirting. We then began having phone call conversations whilst my husband was at work. Again, apart from the flirting, was just general conversation but we'd talk for 6 or 7 hours at a time. It was nice to have someone to talk to.
About 2 months ago. I realised there's a definite possibility I've really fallen for this guy and we ended up getting very close to the point I'm certain this is full on emotional cheating on my husband.

This guy plans on visiting the UK once it is allowed as he has a lot of friends here anyway.

Why don't I feel guilty though?
I grew up with parents who both cheated. My Mum has been married 4 times as had my Dad.
I feel guilty for my kids. But not my Husband. Every time he gets angry, or snaps, or makes little comments about the way I do things ect, it makes me want to turn to this guy and confide in him.

I'm not entirely sure what the point to my post is. But I have no friends to talk to about it. I know for certain people will judge me, and go ahead.

 

[cheapwetham]

No judgement here at all - just from a purely outsiders view on your above, maybe some things to consider:

- you don't paint your husband in a particularly positive light, have the things you have highlighted always been very apparent to you or just since you started speaking to this new guy?

- if he visits the UK, do you intend to meet up with him? Either where you go behind your husbands back, or end it with him?

- there is always an element of the grass is greener syndrome with this, and it makes someone a lot easier to fall for - especially when it's online or via phone

- realistically, what do you want out of this situation?

- I have been in a very similar situation in the past (although no kids and husband was just a total wet blanket) and getting so caught up in emotions for a new person can kinda squash down the guilt. I also wonder whether it is a bit of an act of rebellion against your husband, either for not wanting you to talk to the group in the first place or for his perceived lack of taking responsibility for helping raise your kids?

 

[Hairraiser]

Sounds to me like your marriage has hit a stalemate and you’ve stumbled on someone who makes you feel good and feel happy.
Our feelings and emotions are weird things, more often than not we can’t control how we feel.
As for walking on egg shells with your husband, is that what you want for the rest of your life? It’s clear you don’t wish to hurt your children by splitting from their dad but it does more harm than good to have two unhappy parents that stay together than to have to two happy parents that aren’t together.

You do you, follow your heart.

It’s obvious you have your children’s feelings at the forefront of your actions which speaks volumes. It must be lovely to meet an American, they always appear more exciting, I think it’s the accent for me

 

[SnooperTrooper]

No judgement here at all - just from a purely outsiders view on your above, maybe some things to consider:

- you don't paint your husband in a particularly positive light, have the things you have highlighted always been very apparent to you or just since you started speaking to this new guy?

- if he visits the UK, do you intend to meet up with him? Either where you go behind your husbands back, or end it with him?

- there is always an element of the grass is greener syndrome with this, and it makes someone a lot easier to fall for - especially when it's online or via phone

- realistically, what do you want out of this situation?

- I have been in a very similar situation in the past (although no kids and husband was just a total wet blanket) and getting so caught up in emotions for a new person can kinda squash down the guilt. I also wonder whether it is a bit of an act of rebellion against your husband, either for not wanting you to talk to the group in the first place or for his perceived lack of taking responsibility for helping raise your kids?

The stuff with my husband has always been apparent. More so when we had kids. But I've always taken it as "Well, that's just how he is" kind of thing.

I do intend to meet up with him, as a friend as he's literally been my rock.
It would also be in a group setting and not one on one.

I do so wonder this with the whole grass is always greener. Because I know, if I was to leave my husband and try a relationship with this guy, it won't be the same.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband because of my kids.
I always said I'd try my best to give my kids their parents together but here I am. Messing it up and that what I feel guilty for.

I also very much consider the rebellion thing, especially how I automatically want to turn to this guy when my husband says or does something. And it's a terrible way to think!

I'm just very stuck because I do love my husband

 

[cheapwetham]

I have just realised - you don't really mention how this other guy feels about you? Does he know you're into him as more than a friend? Most of my friends are male and sometimes our messages feel a bit flirty, but realistically it's just a bit of banter (not suggesting that's what your situation is, but I wouldn't take that as reciprocated feelings without him having upfront told you etc)

It's difficult for me to comment on how it could affect your children, but I do feel that if a relationship just doesn't work its not fair on anyone to keep pushing on with it. You can love someone and still acknowledge that as a team you no longer work well. However - I would suggest if ending it is a route you want to pursue, do not jump straight from that into a relationship with someone else.

How you deal with your current relationship should only take into account how you feel about your husband and the dynamics between the two of you - by no means do you need to settle, if there are elements that are making you unhappy.

BUT if you make a decision by taking into account your feelings for this new guy, you may feel you've backed the wrong horse if things don't turn out well, and it would be a lot more likely to turn into the more traumatic break up that you are worrying about affecting your kids.

 

[rainbowlemon]

The stuff with my husband has always been apparent. More so when we had kids. But I've always taken it as "Well, that's just how he is" kind of thing.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband because of my kids.
I always said I'd try my best to give my kids their parents together but here I am. Messing it up and that what I feel guilty for.

When I was younger I used to actually wish that my parents would get a divorce, but my mother "stayed for us" and honestly that still really did affect us growing up like that. I'm almost 30 now, my youngest sibling is 18 and my mother is still with my father even though he makes her so miserable, but she can't see another life for herself.

Not the same thing, but I left a four year relationship 18 weeks ago. I knew in my heart that it was already over 6 months- before but I still held on hoping that it would get better. It wasn't going to change and my friends pointed out that it was just hurting me. It takes courage to leave, but ultimately "we accept the love we think we deserve".

If already know your marriage with your husband is beyond saving, do you really want to spend your life living like this?

 

[SnooperTrooper]

I have just realised - you don't really mention how this other guy feels about you? Does he know you're into him as more than a friend? Most of my friends are male and sometimes our messages feel a bit flirty, but realistically it's just a bit of banter (not suggesting that's what your situation is, but I wouldn't take that as reciprocated feelings without him having upfront told you etc)

It's difficult for me to comment on how it could affect your children, but I do feel that if a relationship just doesn't work its not fair on anyone to keep pushing on with it. You can love someone and still acknowledge that as a team you no longer work well. However - I would suggest if ending it is a route you want to pursue, do not jump straight from that into a relationship with someone else.

How you deal with your current relationship should only take into account how you feel about your husband and the dynamics between the two of you - by no means do you need to settle, if there are elements that are making you unhappy.

BUT if you make a decision by taking into account your feelings for this new guy, you may feel you've backed the wrong horse if things don't turn out well, and it would be a lot more likely to turn into the more traumatic break up that you are worrying about affecting your kids.

I really appreciate your replies by the way! Thank you.

Feelings are mutual.
I kept what I felt to myself and about a week after, he brought it up himself.

This is where I'm kind of at.
I love my husband, but the stress he causes over powers that.
And I'm wondering if it's something he sorted out, his anger ect, would it be able to work, would I still be feeling this way.

When I was younger I used to actually wish that my parents would get a divorce, but my mother "stayed for us" and honestly that still really did affect us growing up like that. I'm almost 30 now, my youngest sibling is 18 and my mother is still with my father even though he makes her so miserable, but she can't see another life for herself.

Not the same thing, but I left a four year relationship 18 weeks ago. I knew in my heart that it was already over 6 months- before but I still held on hoping that it would get better. It wasn't going to change and my friends pointed out that it was just hurting me. It takes courage to leave, but ultimately "we accept the love we think we deserve".

If already know your marriage with your husband is beyond saving, do you really want to spend your life living like this?

That's good to hear from the other side.
My biggest worry is with his anger, as he gets quite angry with the children (not physical but swearing and screaming) too but they adore him.

Well done for getting the confidence to do that!
I know I'm capable of doing it as I left a 6 year relationship which had been over for years.
I absolutely loved being single. And I do wonder if I'm just meant to stay single and not be "tied down" I guess.


I don't know if it is beyond saving. If he helped himself with his anger issues ect, it would solve a lot. But the problem is trying to get him to do that as he believes people have to accept that because its just how he is

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I havent read all the details because, tbh, it doesnt make a single bit of difference. Sort out your own relationship before entertaining anything else. Kids dont have to have their parents together to be happy and settled. It can do much more harm having unhappy parents. But dont cheat. Its scummy as duck.

 

[Suzesnooze]

Are you bored being a stay at home mum? I was in your situation and found myself fancying the Dad of my daughters friend! He was very flirty. It used to give me a bit of a thrill and be the highlight of my boring, mundane life! But..I would never be unfaithful and I can never understand why people are. If you’re unhappy in your marriage then end it but not because you have someone else.

My kids got older, I got a job, would occasionally see that Dad and feel nothing!

 

[SnooperTrooper]

Are you bored being a stay at home mum? I was in your situation and found myself fancying the Dad of my daughters friend! He was very flirty. It used to give me a bit of a thrill and be the highlight of my boring, mundane life! But..I would never be unfaithful and I can never understand why people are. If you’re unhappy in your marriage then end it but not because you have someone else.

My kids got older, I got a job, would occasionally see that Dad and feel nothing!

This is a big thing I consider.
I don't have friends, I don't have a life outside of my kids.
I love being a Mum, but don't have anything else.
I thought about going back to college and studying something whilst I'm at home so I can then have a career over just a basic job but my husband doesn't like that so I scrapped that idea.

 

[Suzesnooze]

This is a big thing I consider.
I don't have friends, I don't have a life outside of my kids.
I love being a Mum, but don't have anything else.
I thought about going back to college and studying something whilst I'm at home so I can then have a career over just a basic job but my husband doesn't like that so I scrapped that idea.

It can get lonely. I had friends but they all worked full time then on a weekend wanted to spend time with their own families. I think sometimes when your life seems boring you can look for other outlets and excitement. I was a stay at home Mum for a LONG time. If I did meet up with my friends who all had careers I felt like I had nothing to offer to the conversation when they all talked about work. It can knock your confidence. But also, it's rewarding to stay at home and bring your children up and believe me, they're not young for long. When they're older you can go back to work and then you start to have a bit of a life again. I know I felt better once mine were older and I could work and have time to myself again.

I wouldn't allow your husband to refuse your wish to study. Can you not go to evening classes?

I can understand how this man you've met can make you feel better about things but I don't think he's going to solve all your problems, only create new ones.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

It’s very clear that you are unhappy within your marriage. You sound like you feel a lot of resentment towards your husband and that he is perhaps controlling in some ways. So, leave him. If you’re not happy then you can & should leave him. It won’t be easy as there are children involved but you cannot just stay as you are because it’s the easy option.

your trans Atlantic friend is nothing more than an emotional crutch. It’s safe because he lives there and you talk on the phone or whatever and it’s confined to one area of your life but it’s not going to do you any favours to carry it on. I also question how on Earth you can spend 7 hours talking on the phone with someone?! What are your kids doing while your on the phones?!!! How exactly did you meet this guy, if he lives in the States? I really hope this isn’t some random person youve “met” online, and have never actually met in reality…..

Bottom line here is - you aren’t happy in your marriage so leave. Stand on your own two feet and build a real life for yourself- get a job, get to know people and build real friendships, make a real life for yourself and your kids and then in time you’ll perhaps meet someone you can explore a real relationship with.

 

[SnooperTrooper]

It’s very clear that you are unhappy within your marriage. You sound like you feel a lot of resentment towards your husband and that he is perhaps controlling in some ways. So, leave him. If you’re not happy then you can & should leave him. It won’t be easy as there are children involved but you cannot just stay as you are because it’s the easy option.

your trans Atlantic friend is nothing more than an emotional crutch. It’s safe because he lives there and you talk on the phone or whatever and it’s confined to one area of your life but it’s not going to do you any favours to carry it on. I also question how on Earth you can spend 7 hours talking on the phone with someone?! What are your kids doing while your on the phones?!!! How exactly did you meet this guy, if he lives in the States? I really hope this isn’t some random person youve “met” online, and have never actually met in reality…..

Bottom line here is - you aren’t happy in your marriage so leave. Stand on your own two feet and build a real life for yourself- get a job, get to know people and build real friendships, make a real life for yourself and your kids and then in time you’ll perhaps meet someone you can explore a real relationship with.

7 hours being once my kids are in bed.
I met the guy through mutual friends.
I haven't met him in person, no because of lockdown, I have however met the others, as they're in the UK and they have also met him many times.

I agree that is probably the case, it being "safe"

I know my marriage is an issue and that ideally is something I want to sort out but he doesn't see any issues

 

[BettyCrockerr]

7 hours being once my kids are in bed.
I met the guy through mutual friends.
I haven't met him in person, no because of lockdown, I have however met the others, as they're in the UK and they have also met him many times.

I agree that is probably the case, it being "safe"

I know my marriage is an issue and that ideally is something I want to sort out but he doesn't see any issues

Who doesn’t see any issues?? Your husband or the guy from America?

 

[judgejohndeed]

To answer your specific question of why you don’t feel guilty - I would suggest that deep down you must know your relationship is over if that is how you feel. You want to fix things, but your husband doesn’t think there’s an issue. That’s a problem in and of itself. You’re also emotionally leaning on another man, which shows there clearly is something very big missing from your relationship. To me it sounds like this is grounds enough to leave - you can’t fix things with someone who doesn’t think there’s anything to fix, especially when you are literally telling him you’re unhappy - but none of this really has anything to do with this other guy at all. He’s just highlighted the cracks in your existing relationship, and if I were you I’d be hesitant about rushing into something new especially given you have kids, and that he doesn’t seem to mind entertaining this relationship with you when you’re married. That would be a red flag for me tbh.

I don't feel like I can leave my husband because of my kids.
I always said I'd try my best to give my kids their parents together but here I am.

Kids are very perceptive. Take it from someone who had to endure parents screaming at each other night and day for 13 years before one of them finally left - it’s better for your kids to have separated happy parents than parents who are together and deeply unhappy. At the very least, this is the blueprint you are laying down for their future relationships. You’ve mentioned in your first post your own parents for example.

 

[SnooperTrooper]

Who doesn’t see any issues?? Your husband or the guy from America?

My husband

To answer your specific question of why you don’t feel guilty - I would suggest that deep down you must know your relationship is over if that is how you feel. You want to fix things, but your husband doesn’t think there’s an issue. That’s a problem in and of itself. You’re also emotionally leaning on another man, which shows there clearly is something very big missing from your relationship. To me it sounds like this is grounds enough to leave - you can’t fix things with someone who doesn’t think there’s anything to fix, especially when you are literally telling him you’re unhappy - but none of this really has anything to do with this other guy at all. He’s just highlighted the cracks in your existing relationship, and if I were you I’d be hesitant about rushing into something new especially given you have kids, and that he doesn’t seem to mind entertaining this relationship with you when you’re married. That would be a red flag for me tbh.


Kids are very perceptive. Take it from someone who had to endure parents screaming at each other night and day for 13 years before one of them finally left - it’s better for your kids to have separated happy parents than parents who are together and deeply unhappy. At the very least, this is the blueprint you are laying down for their future relationships. You’ve mentioned in your first post your own parents for example.

I do agree that it's a red flag.
It's been more the case that I've realised this "emotional connection" or whatever it is.
Whoever, I do not intend to be with him. I don't think that would ever work anyway with him being in the US and me having children.

Just reading these replies, it's very apparent it's the state of my marriage that's the key thing.
After spending years convincing myself it's fine and normal. It isn't. My marriage isn't healthy.
I don't really know why it's needed others to point that out to me.

 

[cushtybert]

I’ve been in a similar situation a long time ago in my previous marriage. I met someone online and would chat to him for hours, never met him but it was nice having someone to talk to, haven’t spoke to him for years but it did help me at the time.
hope your ok

 

[Alexaj]

I thought about going back to college and studying something whilst I'm at home so I can then have a career over just a basic job but my husband doesn't like that so I scrapped that idea.

I think this the most disturbing comment I've read on the entire thread. Even without the American complication, this is grounds enough to reconsider your relationship.

 

[37BBL]

No judgement from me. I've been in a position slightly similar before. A guy at work showed me some attention and I won't lie, it was exciting and flattering. We got along really well and occasionally it was flirty. I would speak to him for hours sometimes. We're just friends now and we're both married, I think its natural to think what if and is the grass going to greener. For me, when I really thought about it, it wasn't anything more than a bit of a crush and someone I could talk to. In real life, once the excitement and flirting would be gone (which it inevitably would) there wouldn't be anything there.

I'm happy in my marriage but you sound like you aren't. Perhaps your marriage issues are playing a part and you're seeing it as a way out and its heightening those feelings.

Either way, you need to do whats right for your family. Is it worth speaking to your husband and explaining how you feel? If its genuinely over I think you need to end it, for his sake too. X

 

[LaurieLaurie]

My best friend is male. We’ve been close for 16 years and talk for hours everyday, morning til night and occasionally I’ll wonder if there’s more to it but when we are together in person (he lives 3 hours away) I know I don’t have any feelings for him other than friendship.