Thank you everyone for your responses but I am going to stop responding now because I am completely heartbroken by what's happened. I didn't expect a lot of sympathy and perhaps I should have typed a more balanced overview of our relationship but I really do care for him and love him. I would rather people think badly of me than him. I have accepted responsibility for what I have done and I am determined to work on building myself back as a person. I've lost who I was before covid and lost someone who is very dear to me. I don't know whether things will be different between us in the future but I am trying not to hold out too much on false hope that I have been giving myself. I wish I didn't let myself get into an awful rut but a lot has sadly happened to me in my life in the last year. It has taken its toll physically and mentally. I feel like I've lost a part of myself and I will need to live with the consequences of my actions which I am absolutely disgusted by because I always have tried to be kind and gentle. To those who have been kind thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. I've not had a lot of kindness recently and it does mean a lot. To those who have taken a more assertive and hardline approach thank you for taking the time to reply back too. 
but just know you aren’t alone. I know it took courage to write out that first message and admit to what you did wrong, so well done, it’s a massive step in the right direction