Break up 💔

[Nosebag20]

That was a very sad read and a lot of information to take in. I truly hope you are OK and that you continue to seek support for your mental health as that should be your main focus right now.
He has made his feelings clear that he is done with this relationship and to be honest I can see why, once things get physical and violent there really is not much chance of coming back from that, a line has been crossed.
Heartbreak is a real tough pain to go through but you really need to get better physically and mentally to enable you to be able to form positive healthy relationships in the future.
Please ensure you speak to someone when you are feeling low and do not suffer alone.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I think he did the right thing for both of you. Take the time to focus on yourself and get the help and support you need.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Leave him alone. The relationship is over. It was toxic and you were violent towards him. It had to end. He has done the right thing. You need help, professional help and lots of it before you ever entertain the idea of ever getting involved with another person ever again. Please just leave him alone now - for his sake and yours, you need to stay away from him completely, both physically and online. It’s over.

 

[Georgethecat]

Block him on WhatsApp, stop checking his last seen, stop messaging him. You need to focus on yourself and getting better, reflect on why it always escalated so much . A toxic relationship of mistrust and violence isn't something you should go back to, it sounds like a very volatile situation that wasn't doing either of you any favours. You need to be on your own and focus on yourself and your life, you can still look forward to summer, you won't be constantly worrying he's lying to you which will have attributed to your poor mental health and flying off the handle at him. Sounds like he's done you a favour, you need alto find a new focus, maybe read some books? Meet some friends ? Make some sort of plan that doesn't involve him.. just one step at a time but first of all just block him, he dumped your stuff in the rain and finished it by text, not worth it.

 

[littlepup]

I’m afraid, if you turned this around and you were the man and he the woman it would be textbook abusive, controlling, narcissistic behaviour. He’s made his position very clear and he’s been pretty reasonable too. I don’t believe that he has given you false hope in stringing you along, I think he sounds like a decent guy who has caved slightly because you’ve continued to pressure him. Maybe because he doesn’t want to hurt you more or maybe because you’ve self-harmed and threatened suicide. He’s clearly said he doesn’t want to discuss it further, you have to respect and accept that for now.

I understand you feel that there are changes you can make and if only he knew he might change his mind but do you honestly think that you can commit 100% to those changes? Ongoing it’s unlikely If you don’t trust him and you’d only be forcing an unnatural situation where you can’t be yourself.

Console yourself with that thought that if you’re truly meant to be together, you will. Maybe not right away but if you’re really truly the right people for each other you’ll find a way back together eventually. In the mean time work on the issues that you’ve identified and do it for yourself, not because you think it will get him back, concentrate on getting yourself well.

 

[Gembo]

I don’t have any real advice but I didn’t want to read and run. I recognise so much of what you’re going through from the first break up I went through, not exactly the same but a lot of similar themes and I felt just like you. It’s still one of the worst times of my life, I couldn’t function at all and became so ill, the pain was indescribable. I would feel so sick I would throw up when he refused to answer my calls or replied to my texts and I thought I would never be ok again

I just want you to know that you will be ok, you will survive this. What you are experiencing is a form of grief so be gentle with yourself. Take your time, cry, eat, scream, keep reaching out for help. No one knows what the future holds but you will be happy again. When this initial pain wears off focus on yourself, do things you love doing and work on being the person you want to be. Maybe one day you
l reunite and maybe one day you won’t but you’ll only really be happy when you can get yourself into a better place. I’m sending you the biggest virtual hug, what you’re feeling is normal, you will be ok xx

 

[lisa94xo]

Take each day at a time. I know you're not well, but do you have anything that you can do for you, for self care? You're the most important person in your life - I think you really need to focus on yourself right now and getting better, mentally and physically. It sounds like a lot has happened between you and your ex - and to be honest, it doesn't sound from what you've said like it was a very healthy or happy relationship? You say you don't trust him, and trust is the most fundamental aspect of a relationship. It's also common to glamourize relationships when they break down, but you've both gotten to this point for a reason - the fighting, the lying on his part, the lack of trust... Maybe this has happened to you to help you recognise what mistakes you've made with your first love, and focus on healing and moving forward with your life. It's not easy, and it's scary when things don't work out like you want to, but you can't make him change his mind - you can only control what actions you make. I hope you take time for self care and reflection - it'll be really helpful for you.

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I honestly think he’s done you a favour by ending things. It sounds very toxic on both sides yes you were violent, but he also seems like he’s stringing you along a bit, one minute he’s giving you hope then changing his mind.

I know it might not feel like it now but I promise you your heart will heal. I personally would block him on everything and wouldn’t reopen the wound by meeting up with him again.

I’m not condoning what you did but I think you need be more gentle with yourself, it sounds like you need to be your priority at the moment.

 

[Wowitsme]

I’m afraid, if you turned this around and you were the man and he the woman it would be textbook abusive, controlling, narcissistic behaviour. He’s made his position very clear and he’s been pretty reasonable too. I don’t believe that he has given you false hope in stringing you along, I think he sounds like a decent guy who has caved slightly because you’ve continued to pressure him. Maybe because he doesn’t want to hurt you more or maybe because you’ve self-harmed and threatened suicide. He’s clearly said he doesn’t want to discuss it further, you have to respect and accept that for now.

I understand you feel that there are changes you can make and if only he knew he might change his mind but do you honestly think that you can commit 100% to those changes? Ongoing it’s unlikely If you don’t trust him and you’d only be forcing an unnatural situation where you can’t be yourself.

Console yourself with that thought that if you’re truly meant to be together, you will. Maybe not right away but if you’re really truly the right people for each other you’ll find a way back together eventually. In the mean time work on the issues that you’ve identified and do it for yourself, not because you think it will get him back, concentrate on getting yourself well.

Actually I totally agree with this. The fact he has to basically ask permission to play/go to cricket was a bit concerning.

However, I think you are doing the right thing in seeking help for yourself. This will enable you to have a happy and healthy relationship.

Break ups are really tough, I have endured a few that felt like they were breaking me. Time does help and so does self care. Just take it one day at a time

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Cut all contact and sort your head out. It sounded like a toxic relationship. Turning violent, from either party, is a huge red flag.

Focus on getting yourself secure and healthy. Break ups are hard, but look at the bigger picture. Violence, self harm & threats of suicide; you need to get yourself well.p

 

[Hope96]

Thank you everyone for your responses but I am going to stop responding now because I am completely heartbroken by what's happened. I didn't expect a lot of sympathy and perhaps I should have typed a more balanced overview of our relationship but I really do care for him and love him. I would rather people think badly of me than him. I have accepted responsibility for what I have done and I am determined to work on building myself back as a person. I've lost who I was before covid and lost someone who is very dear to me. I don't know whether things will be different between us in the future but I am trying not to hold out too much on false hope that I have been giving myself. I wish I didn't let myself get into an awful rut but a lot has sadly happened to me in my life in the last year. It has taken its toll physically and mentally. I feel like I've lost a part of myself and I will need to live with the consequences of my actions which I am absolutely disgusted by because I always have tried to be kind and gentle. To those who have been kind thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. I've not had a lot of kindness recently and it does mean a lot. To those who have taken a more assertive and hardline approach thank you for taking the time to reply back too.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I think if you do meet him you need to be in a good place first or it will just make things worse so just wait and don’t rush into it.

People hate to feel bombarded so give him space and just focus on yourself and feeling better.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

You are clearly someone who does a lot of self-reflecting. Your need to take ownership and to understand reasons behind behaviour in order to improve and heal also shine through.

Please be gentle with yourself. Sometimes such depth of analysing takes it toll and you really sound like you are struggling. Don't be afraid to ask for further help if you need too.

From the info you have given, the relationship sounds like it was in enormous difficulty. What is clear at the moment is that he is asking for space and you should respect that and give it to him. I know it hurts and I know it will be hard but it is definitely for the best at this moment in time. I think you risk making things much worse if you contact him.

Being unwell in a way that changes you, your relationship and your behaviours is a devastating thing to experience from both sides.

I know it's extremely difficult but you probably have to accept it's over (for now, at least) and begin piecing yourself back together. Work on fixing you for you. No one knows what will happen in the future but you need to be in the best head space possible for whatever that future may bring.

I've hurt like you are hurting now and it's awful. However I can promise you that it will be ok, things will get better. There will be a time when you don't hurt this much.

Take care of you

 

[Scorpihoe]

Thank you everyone for your responses but I am going to stop responding now because I am completely heartbroken by what's happened. I didn't expect a lot of sympathy and perhaps I should have typed a more balanced overview of our relationship but I really do care for him and love him. I would rather people think badly of me than him. I have accepted responsibility for what I have done and I am determined to work on building myself back as a person. I've lost who I was before covid and lost someone who is very dear to me. I don't know whether things will be different between us in the future but I am trying not to hold out too much on false hope that I have been giving myself. I wish I didn't let myself get into an awful rut but a lot has sadly happened to me in my life in the last year. It has taken its toll physically and mentally. I feel like I've lost a part of myself and I will need to live with the consequences of my actions which I am absolutely disgusted by because I always have tried to be kind and gentle. To those who have been kind thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. I've not had a lot of kindness recently and it does mean a lot. To those who have taken a more assertive and hardline approach thank you for taking the time to reply back too.

Im so sorry you feel this way, I can understand it must be hard for you. Please be kind to yourself and I know it feels so bad right now, but I promise things will get better. I’ve tried to PM you but I can’t but just know you aren’t alone. I know it took courage to write out that first message and admit to what you did wrong, so well done, it’s a massive step in the right direction

Sending you so much love xxx

 

[LaurieLaurie]

It doesn’t feel like it now but things will get better. Maybe you’ll get back together once things improve for you or maybe you’ll realise you want something else.

Two years ago I was heartbroken and all I did was hide in bed and cry in the bath and then I slowly started to feel better. It killed me at the time but I learnt so much from it that I use in relationships now.

 

[PrincessCharming]

Look after yourself. Don’t just look after yourself, make you your number one priority.

Nothing positive is ever going to happen with this man. Block him, for your own good. Delete all his info and concentrate on getting better. Your heart is breaking and it sucks but if you take positive steps to move on, the pain won’t last.

 

[Scorpihoe]

Wow that was a lot to take in, I’m sorry for how you feel Heartbreaks aren’t easy. But I know a few things that really help me include some serious retail therapy, I also throw myself into new projects (I don’t feel like doing them but I force myself) and I do a lot of cleaning lol. Maybe try those? There’s also heartbreak threads on Reddit so you can talk to people going through similar stuff

I know how you feel though. When I’m heartbroken it feels like time is passing by so slowly and I’m just trying to kill time before my ex messaged me.

I just want to say though, as much as you want to see him/text him/call him DONT! Because he might be serious about that police threat and that, coupled with his neck injury could land you into very serious trouble.

Was he physically violent towards you too? Or just you, to him? Sorry I’m not being judgey, I’m just curious because your post didn’t really specify

 

[Scorpihoe]

Actually I totally agree with this. The fact he has to basically ask permission to play/go to cricket was a bit concerning.

I’m a bit confused at this bit, did he ask OP if he could go to cricket or if he could rearrange their meeting to another day as he had cricket?

 

[Hope96]

Leave him alone. The relationship is over. It was toxic and you were violent towards him. It had to end. He has done the right thing. You need help, professional help and lots of it before you ever entertain the idea of ever getting involved with another person ever again. Please just leave him alone now - for his sake and yours, you need to stay away from him completely, both physically and online. It’s over.

I am happy to read other people's perspectives on what I have posted and I understand they may not be very sympathetic. Please bear in mind I have not typed everything that was the issue for both. More than anything I've explained everything I have done wrong. I do not condone violence and I'm deeply ashamed of lashing out as I've never behaved like this. I do not wish to play the blame game and that's one of the reasons why I've not spoken about his actions in a great deal. I find your response a bit aggressive and upsetting considering the fragile state I am in. It doesn't cost anything to be slightly kind when someone has taken responsibility for their actions. I know exactly the help I require and I have been seeking it before he left my belongings outside the doorstep. I have no desire to get myself into another relationship any time soon but I do not need you telling me what I should do or can't do in the manner you have. I have not messaged him constantly or turned up to his so I have left him alone for the most part. I'm not one to comment on another person's post like this but I'm not going to have someone make me feel worse than I already am considering where I am mentally because I often do let people do that which isn't beneficial for me. Thank you for taking the time to respond though.

 

[Hope96]

I’m afraid, if you turned this around and you were the man and he the woman it would be textbook abusive, controlling, narcissistic behaviour. He’s made his position very clear and he’s been pretty reasonable too. I don’t believe that he has given you false hope in stringing you along, I think he sounds like a decent guy who has caved slightly because you’ve continued to pressure him. Maybe because he doesn’t want to hurt you more or maybe because you’ve self-harmed and threatened suicide. He’s clearly said he doesn’t want to discuss it further, you have to respect and accept that for now.

I understand you feel that there are changes you can make and if only he knew he might change his mind but do you honestly think that you can commit 100% to those changes? Ongoing it’s unlikely If you don’t trust him and you’d only be forcing an unnatural situation where you can’t be yourself.

Console yourself with that thought that if you’re truly meant to be together, you will. Maybe not right away but if you’re really truly the right people for each other you’ll find a way back together eventually. In the mean time work on the issues that you’ve identified and do it for yourself, not because you think it will get him back, concentrate on getting yourself well.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate everyone will have their perspective but I'm really not a narcissistic person but I agree lashing out should not be celebrated. I would like to say in normal times I am a kind and caring person who is more rational than I have been during an extremely tough time in my life. Please don't see this as condoning my behaviour and perhaps I should have included both of our actions for people to make a fair assumption but I didn't want anyone to think I was blaming him. He was in my support bubble and I became extremely unwell with covid last year. In hindsight I could have been more rational but I was so terrified to the point I was crying everyday because I felt like I was on my death bed when I became very poorly with covid. I became more demanding with what my family and him in re to what they were doing because they were in close contact with me. They all had more of a liberal attitude which is certainly allowed but I was petrified that I would get covid again or my health conditions which I developed as a result of covid complications would be made worse if I became unwell. I'm still very poorly but I waa blinded by fear rather than facts. I've not had much of a life and being an very anxious person in a pandemic hasn't helped me or my relationships.

I would like to just clarify that he didn't have to ask for permission to play cricket or go to training because that means a lot to him. For that particular Tuesday he had said he wasn't planning on going and that he would speak to me later on in the evening. He went back on that after our fight on Sunday and said he would lie about working late if I didn't say yes to him going and us not talking on the phone. We always did try to compromise on other things but I realised I just had to let him determine his own risk in the end. It was sadly too late.

It would be nice for people to not question whether I will be sticking to the changes being made because I will as I've realised what I've done wrong. I know I need to take action because I want to be that kind and caring person more consistently. Thank you for the little piece of advice at the end.

Wow that was a lot to take in, I’m sorry for how you feel Heartbreaks aren’t easy. But I know a few things that really help me include some serious retail therapy, I also throw myself into new projects (I don’t feel like doing them but I force myself) and I do a lot of cleaning lol. Maybe try those? There’s also heartbreak threads on Reddit so you can talk to people going through similar stuff

I know how you feel though. When I’m heartbroken it feels like time is passing by so slowly and I’m just trying to kill time before my ex messaged me.

I just want to say though, as much as you want to see him/text him/call him DONT! Because he might be serious about that police threat and that, coupled with his neck injury could land you into very serious trouble.

Was he physically violent towards you too? Or just you, to him? Sorry I’m not being judgey, I’m just curious because your post didn’t really specify

Thank you very much for your suggestions and I will certainly try to find something that I can try to occupy myself with.

I've actually tried to be respectful and to make I don't make things worse by not doing the things he asked since he replied back to me last week.

Thank you for not being judgey but I know everyone will have their thoughts and opinions. Yes to your question but my post was more to do with my behaviour.