Boyfriend trouble

[BettyCrocker]

He genuinely is a good dad most of the time. And we had an falling out yesterday and I said do you want me to pack my bags I’ll go back to my parents and he said no he doesn’t. But it was very half hearted I don’t expect he would fight too hard to stop me

what do you want? Stop thinking about him for a minute and think about what you want. Do you love him? Like, really, genuinely can’t live without him love him? Do you see a future with him? Do you enjoy his company? Does he make you smile? Do you want to be with him and grow old with him? Think about it. what do you want? How do you feel??

 

[Suzesnooze]

It is hard because at the beginning he was amazing , and then his dad passed away it absolutely broke him and then he was never the same again. So I do kind of keep that into consideration but the other parts I don’t always think I should have to put up with I always try to tell him there is more to life than working but all he comes back with is we need the money. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship and feeling alone

I met my husband 3 months after his dad died. He used to get some very down moments but couldn’t talk about his feelings so I used to think it was something I had done.

Maybe he’s working more as that keeps his mind off his dad?

Just sit him down and explain how you feel and ask him to open up to you.

 

[Flossy2019]

I’ll add my two cents here too if it helps in any way.

Obviously losing a parent is awful and is something that will happen to us all one day. But he’s a parent himself and life goes on. He needs to either process his grief (alone or with help) or put up and shut up. You shouldn’t be playing a supporting role in your own life, you are a human being with needs of your own.

Also, easier said than done, but please don’t cling to the memories of the person he was hoping that he’ll change and it will all go back to how it was in the beginning. You’ll dream your life away, trust me I’ve been there. I spent months miserable, walking on eggshells, doing the most for little return and agonising over how I could fix it / what I did wrong and it only got worse.

Reading back this sounds quite matter of fact but I wish someone had said it to me and saved me some anguish, I hope it helps

I agree with everything you say!! Especially about being a parent himself. As sad as it is life doesn’t stop does it.

 

[Flossy2019]

Unfortunately it sounds like you didn’t really know each other properly when you fell pregnant and now you’re realising what he is really like...

he sounds like an arse. He is using work as excuse to do nothing at home. How is he with your son? Does he take an active role? is he interested in being a parent?

My honest, gut feeling would be that you sit him down and calmly explain to him that you aren’t happy. Ask him to be honest - does he love you/does he see a future with you? Ask yourself those same questions about him. Don’t stay with him for your son - that’s not fair on any of you.

youve only been together a very short time - this isn’t what a happy, balanced, mature relationship is.

He genuinely is a good dad most of the time. And we had an falling out yesterday and I said do you want me to pack my bags I’ll go back to my parents and he said no he doesn’t. But it was very half hearted I don’t expect he would fight too hard to stop me

 

[Dexy]

Thankyou. It sounds like I’m being selfish a bit but it’s just hard

Not selfish. It’s sounds a very difficult situation. Maybe typical man he’s burying his head in the sand? He needs you to give him a push either way I reckon - let’s work through this together or separately but something needs to change xx

 

[Say What]

You can’t make someone love you the way you want them to unfortunately. It has to come from them naturally, it’s out of your control. But the problem is definitely not you Don’t lower your expectations or your standards or compromise your own happiness. It will just make you resentful. Have you spoken to him about why things have changed so drastically? Does he discuss his feelings with you?

I have spoken to him. He says he’s busy at work but we both do the same job and I know he isn’t that busy. He says he does love me and he promises to make more time for me but then doesn’t. I don’t feel resentful, I just feel sad and let down because I thought after so much talk throughout the relationship that it would progress.

 

[Flossy2019]

Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this, I bet lockdown hasn’t helped either!

Have you spoken to him about how you’re feeling?

I’ve been with my partner 8 years (no kids) and sometimes he gets very complacent. Similar with the not tidying up after himself, expecting me to do everything around the house, sitting on his phone for hours not really interacting or paying any attention to me.

I can openly be very fed up and upset with him but he still doesn’t really notice unless I make a point of telling him what’s upsetting me. I think men are generally just worse at communicating but maybe telling him how you’re feeling might help (if you haven’t already)?

I have. Sometimes he says sorry other times he says I’m making a big deal out of nothing. But nothing changes we just go round in circles and it’s driving me crazy. I appreciate he works a lot as we need the money but a day off once week wouldn’t make much difference to the money coming in I don’t think.. he doesn’t have a work life balance it’s just work work work . And a lot of the time he chooses to play golf in his spare time which fucks me off. I know he’s entitled to his hobbies but he chooses that over me and our son a lot

 

[Raininvain]

I think 50/50 regarding housework/childcare etc unless they are in a coma or just passed away.

 

[Flossy2019]

Thank you I do appreciate the advice and support here. I think it’s so hard when you love someone because you just want them to treat you how they did at the beginning and return your love. I have spent so long asking myself why he doesn’t love me the same way and blaming myself but I’m beginning to see that I’ve always given him 100% but he hasn’t done the same for me and that’s wrong. We shouldn’t have to feel last place or question ourselves if we’re not in the wrong.

That last bit is very true. Keep us posted

 

[Flossy2019]

I have told him that he has stopped showing affection and spending time with me and that I’m not happy about that. I’m beginning to see my only way out is to do that because I can’t continue as I am

Sounds like you have made your mind up already. And that’s fine and I think you are doing the right thing. If you are truly unhappy and he is taking away your self confidence then I think it’s the right thing. Sending love

 

[Flossy2019]

I am gonna say this: if a man sees you cry, and doesn't do anything to make you feel better, he is not worth your time!

He might be depressed because he doesn't have the job he truly wants and he is coping just by drinking and being a slug. But even so, as a significant other and mother of his child, he should put you and your child above anyone else. Everything he does shows lack of respect for you or your work. Some men don't understand just how hard taking care of a baby or toddler is (he might have two jobs, but you literally have a 24/7 job as a mom).

And I also have a normal full time job too

 

[Flossy2019]

Hi everyone, I’m also after some advice. I have been seeing someone for a couple of years. At the start it was really full on and I felt rushed so I held back but we did gradually build a relationship. Although we argued, we have this connection that I’ve never felt before however things started to fizzle out a year to 2 years ago. I’ve given ultimatums when he blows hot and cold and called him out for his behaviour. I have never felt that I am the last priority on his list and he has made many promises that he’s never delivered on. My friends don’t like him because of the effect on me. The problem is I’m not sure if I want to leave him because I do have feelings and a part of me hopes we can get back what we had. I’ve had the talk with him so many times and for a short while he pulls his socks up but it always goes back to him spending no time with me and showing no affection. It makes me feel very anxious and I already have issues with my mental health. Sometimes I feel angry with myself for not feeling able to stand up for myself and kicking his arse for ruining my self esteem because I did used to be a confident and outgoing person who would never let someone treat me like this. It’s just hard though because you don’t want to lose someone you love.

I am the original poster of this thread.... I was in the similar position & I did give him an ultimatum a while ago and it seemed to work. I know he isn’t a bad guy just a little moody & reserved going through a grievance plus working 60+ hours . But we are In a good place now. I told him I will to back to my mums and started packing which gave him the kick up the arse. I didn’t want to give up as like you I love him.. but I believe when you are with someone it’s about finding balance as one is always a little needier than the other as in wanting affection whereas the other doesn’t usually show it and I think it’s about giving and taking the right amount and you have to meet in the middle eventually and it doesn’t sound like he is with you. If yOu have given him the talk and nothings changed ( have you told him you want affection and to spend more time together) then I think you have to put yourself first and protect your own heart ( this is actually something I said to my fella) and if he isn’t giving you what you want from the relationship then maybe take a break. I know we are in the middle of a pandemic but can you go and stay somewhere else and see how he reaches out ..

 

[Say What]

I am the original poster of this thread.... I was in the similar position & I did give him an ultimatum a while ago and it seemed to work. I know he isn’t a bad guy just a little moody & reserved going through a grievance plus working 60+ hours . But we are In a good place now. I told him I will to back to my mums and started packing which gave him the kick up the arse. I didn’t want to give up as like you I love him.. but I believe when you are with someone it’s about finding balance as one is always a little needier than the other as in wanting affection whereas the other doesn’t usually show it and I think it’s about giving and taking the right amount and you have to meet in the middle eventually and it doesn’t sound like he is with you. If yOu have given him the talk and nothings changed ( have you told him you want affection and to spend more time together) then I think you have to put yourself first and protect your own heart ( this is actually something I said to my fella) and if he isn’t giving you what you want from the relationship then maybe take a break. I know we are in the middle of a pandemic but can you go and stay somewhere else and see how he reaches out ..

I have told him that he has stopped showing affection and spending time with me and that I’m not happy about that. I’m beginning to see my only way out is to do that because I can’t continue as I am

 

[Flossy2019]

I see you mentioned about his dad passing away. I'm not trying to excuse bad behaviours but it may be beneficial for him to speak with someone about that if he is struggling? I have had depression in the past and it did make me act very differently and it changed how I felt about my relationship at the time.

His dad passed away two years ago and for the first year he was miserable but wouldn’t go and see anyone. I’ve never lost a parent so I don’t know how it feels. It is the only thing That happened and changed him. Sometimes I feel he resents me that my dad is still alive and well as sad as it was it wasn’t my fault so it does make me upset he took it out on me quite a bit. But people grieve in different ways

 

[Flossy2019]

I think 50/50 regarding housework/childcare etc unless they are in a coma or just passed away.

See I always say this too. But because he works more than me he thinks I should do the majority. But I see it as I do most of the looking after our son so house work should be between us for sure!!! Not to mention there is food shopping and all our pets to feed. I also have a horse to look after

 

[Flossy2019]

This 100%. Sounds like he’s not coping and using work as a distraction. Hope you get through this x

Thankyou. It sounds like I’m being selfish a bit but it’s just hard