Boyfriend trouble

[Moe]

Please leave him. You mention gaslighting and have been with him for ten years. Do you know how much that wears someone down and the sad bit is we don’t even realise it until many years later when you finally escape and if you don’t get away the violence starts.
Please think of yourself. Is this the life you deserve. Run dear lady as fast as you can x

 

[Blondie]

Hi guys, I’m looking for some advice really. I have been with my boyfriend 10 years and we have lived together for 3 of those. I think he’s a narcissist and a gaslighter but I am even questioning that as everything is confusing! We have a ‘nice’ life, we go on holidays, have a nice home etc but his behaviour and personality are making me see him in an unattractive light. If we have an argument, often he will call me a c**t or will tell me to stfu etc, is this normal when arguing? For people to be this aggressive? I have told him I don’t like the C word and he continues to use it, tells me to grow up as it’s just a word when I pull him on it etc. A few weeks ago our dog got out of the house, I was pulling him in by the collar and he was stood watching me at the door, he’s not always good with other dogs as he got attacked recently so I was panicking about getting him back inside. As I was pulling him in he slapped me round the head and when I asked him wtf he thought he was doing he said I was ‘hurting’ the dog and he wanted me to get off him (i wasn’t hurting him at all). He’s never hit me before and I think he was in shock that he did it himself tbh, I told him I was leaving as I couldn’t trust him not to do it again in the future and he started panicking saying what you’re leaving just because of that, you moved your head that’s why I caught you etc, said he was sorry that if it’s what I wanted he would buy me out etc. This is the first time he’s ever been scared about me leaving (probably because he was worried I’d tell people what he had done). Usually he tells me I have no where to go etc (I do, my family would have me in a heartbeat). Other things he has done for context is told me I should make more effort when inside, wear makeup etc, tells me I only make an effort when I go out. I asked why I’d wear makeup at home when I’m doing anything he said we both should always make effort etc. He never tells me what to wear or what I can do or where I can go but often falls out with me after a night out because I was too drunk etc. I think I know what the answers will be but I don’t know what I’m looking for really, just some clarity I suppose. Sorry for the rant! X

Aww feel for you definitely leave him. His behaviour and attitude toward you is not normal.
I know it's hard because 10 years with someone is a long time but you will be OK and you will be happy in the future. Stay strong x

 

[Mrsbumble]

Thanks everyone for your responses! You know sometimes when you don’t know whether something is right or wrong because it’s been happening so long? I often think surely everyone has arguments like this or other people’s partners will call them names too etc. It’s good to sometimes get other views and perspectives on a situation. He also doesn’t allow any room for discussion as anything I bring up just ends up in an argument. It is draining!

 

[Flossy2019]

Leave him, get out and never go back. He hit you - once is enough. Don’t ever give him the opportunity to do it again. I don’t think it’s normal at all for him to call you a c*nt or to tell you to stfu.

I second this. and he is blaming you for hitting you... when he was the one who raised his hand. You never know what else he would do

 

[Say What]

Hi everyone, I’m also after some advice. I have been seeing someone for a couple of years. At the start it was really full on and I felt rushed so I held back but we did gradually build a relationship. Although we argued, we have this connection that I’ve never felt before however things started to fizzle out a year to 2 years ago. I’ve given ultimatums when he blows hot and cold and called him out for his behaviour. I have never felt that I am the last priority on his list and he has made many promises that he’s never delivered on. My friends don’t like him because of the effect on me. The problem is I’m not sure if I want to leave him because I do have feelings and a part of me hopes we can get back what we had. I’ve had the talk with him so many times and for a short while he pulls his socks up but it always goes back to him spending no time with me and showing no affection. It makes me feel very anxious and I already have issues with my mental health. Sometimes I feel angry with myself for not feeling able to stand up for myself and kicking his a for ruining my self esteem because I did used to be a confident and outgoing person who would never let someone treat me like this. It’s just hard though because you don’t want to lose someone you love.

 

[Flossy2019]

Hi everyone, I’m also after some advice. I have been seeing someone for a couple of years. At the start it was really full on and I felt rushed so I held back but we did gradually build a relationship. Although we argued, we have this connection that I’ve never felt before however things started to fizzle out a year to 2 years ago. I’ve given ultimatums when he blows hot and cold and called him out for his behaviour. I have never felt that I am the last priority on his list and he has made many promises that he’s never delivered on. My friends don’t like him because of the effect on me. The problem is I’m not sure if I want to leave him because I do have feelings and a part of me hopes we can get back what we had. I’ve had the talk with him so many times and for a short while he pulls his socks up but it always goes back to him spending no time with me and showing no affection. It makes me feel very anxious and I already have issues with my mental health. Sometimes I feel angry with myself for not feeling able to stand up for myself and kicking his a for ruining my self esteem because I did used to be a confident and outgoing person who would never let someone treat me like this. It’s just hard though because you don’t want to lose someone you love.

I am the original poster of this thread.... I was in the similar position & I did give him an ultimatum a while ago and it seemed to work. I know he isn’t a bad guy just a little moody & reserved going through a grievance plus working 60+ hours . But we are In a good place now. I told him I will to back to my mums and started packing which gave him the kick up the a. I didn’t want to give up as like you I love him.. but I believe when you are with someone it’s about finding balance as one is always a little needier than the other as in wanting affection whereas the other doesn’t usually show it and I think it’s about giving and taking the right amount and you have to meet in the middle eventually and it doesn’t sound like he is with you. If yOu have given him the talk and nothings changed ( have you told him you want affection and to spend more time together) then I think you have to put yourself first and protect your own heart ( this is actually something I said to my fella) and if he isn’t giving you what you want from the relationship then maybe take a break. I know we are in the middle of a pandemic but can you go and stay somewhere else and see how he reaches out ..

 

[Say What]

I am the original poster of this thread.... I was in the similar position & I did give him an ultimatum a while ago and it seemed to work. I know he isn’t a bad guy just a little moody & reserved going through a grievance plus working 60+ hours . But we are In a good place now. I told him I will to back to my mums and started packing which gave him the kick up the a. I didn’t want to give up as like you I love him.. but I believe when you are with someone it’s about finding balance as one is always a little needier than the other as in wanting affection whereas the other doesn’t usually show it and I think it’s about giving and taking the right amount and you have to meet in the middle eventually and it doesn’t sound like he is with you. If yOu have given him the talk and nothings changed ( have you told him you want affection and to spend more time together) then I think you have to put yourself first and protect your own heart ( this is actually something I said to my fella) and if he isn’t giving you what you want from the relationship then maybe take a break. I know we are in the middle of a pandemic but can you go and stay somewhere else and see how he reaches out ..

I have told him that he has stopped showing affection and spending time with me and that I’m not happy about that. I’m beginning to see my only way out is to do that because I can’t continue as I am

 

[Flossy2019]

I have told him that he has stopped showing affection and spending time with me and that I’m not happy about that. I’m beginning to see my only way out is to do that because I can’t continue as I am

Sounds like you have made your mind up already. And that’s fine and I think you are doing the right thing. If you are truly unhappy and he is taking away your self confidence then I think it’s the right thing. Sending love

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

I’ll chip in as well I’ve also just gone through this exact thing with someone I’ve been with for a year.

In the beginning he was perfect, then over time, everything I loved about him when we first met started to drop off. Ultimatums didn’t work and I always felt like he was testing me to see how far he could push me. About a month ago, I finally snapped after spending months miserable, comfort eating and riddled with anxiety and resentment and I left him. It was the best thing I ever did.

Something I always find helpful is to take a step back and remove yourself from the situation. Imagine your best friend is in your situation and asking for your advice, what would you tell them to do? I’d just say make sure you’re not staying with someone who is toxic for you because it’s “comfortable” or out of fear of the unknown. You are a human being with feelings and needs that should be being met and you deserve to be happy whether that’s with the partner or without

 

[Say What]

Thank you I do appreciate the advice and support here. I think it’s so hard when you love someone because you just want them to treat you how they did at the beginning and return your love. I have spent so long asking myself why he doesn’t love me the same way and blaming myself but I’m beginning to see that I’ve always given him 100% but he hasn’t done the same for me and that’s wrong. We shouldn’t have to feel last place or question ourselves if we’re not in the wrong.

 

[Flossy2019]

Thank you I do appreciate the advice and support here. I think it’s so hard when you love someone because you just want them to treat you how they did at the beginning and return your love. I have spent so long asking myself why he doesn’t love me the same way and blaming myself but I’m beginning to see that I’ve always given him 100% but he hasn’t done the same for me and that’s wrong. We shouldn’t have to feel last place or question ourselves if we’re not in the wrong.

That last bit is very true. Keep us posted

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

Thank you I do appreciate the advice and support here. I think it’s so hard when you love someone because you just want them to treat you how they did at the beginning and return your love. I have spent so long asking myself why he doesn’t love me the same way and blaming myself but I’m beginning to see that I’ve always given him 100% but he hasn’t done the same for me and that’s wrong. We shouldn’t have to feel last place or question ourselves if we’re not in the wrong.

You can’t make someone love you the way you want them to unfortunately. It has to come from them naturally, it’s out of your control. But the problem is definitely not you Don’t lower your expectations or your standards or compromise your own happiness. It will just make you resentful. Have you spoken to him about why things have changed so drastically? Does he discuss his feelings with you?

 

[Say What]

You can’t make someone love you the way you want them to unfortunately. It has to come from them naturally, it’s out of your control. But the problem is definitely not you Don’t lower your expectations or your standards or compromise your own happiness. It will just make you resentful. Have you spoken to him about why things have changed so drastically? Does he discuss his feelings with you?

I have spoken to him. He says he’s busy at work but we both do the same job and I know he isn’t that busy. He says he does love me and he promises to make more time for me but then doesn’t. I don’t feel resentful, I just feel sad and let down because I thought after so much talk throughout the relationship that it would progress.

 

[Say What]

So today I finally grew a set of balls and took the plunge. I don’t know what or how but I finally decided I was going to have a bit of self respect. As usual he was flirtatious and chatty which I swear he does that on purpose to stop me from being confrontational. Anyway today it didn’t work and I told him I was no longer going to plead to be a part of his life and that if he wanted anything to do with me that he would have to make the effort from now on. It wasn’t angry or shouty- I just told him straight and then friend zoned him because it’s not my style to be nasty. I think I must be mad because weirdly it felt quite liberating but then again I have deep rooted abandonment issues so for me to step back completely from someone like this is massive. I just wanted to come back and thank you all because you reminded me that deep down we are all strong wonderful women and that’s worth more than anything.

 

[Blondie]

Well done. You are strong and brave and amazing! Here's to a happy future

 

[Say What]

Well done. You are strong and brave and amazing! Here's to a happy future

Thank you. I’m sure this liberated feeling won’t last and I’ll be crying and eating chocolate tomorrow like usual when this stuff happens!