Hi guys, I’m looking for some advice really. I have been with my boyfriend 10 years and we have lived together for 3 of those. I think he’s a narcissist and a gaslighter but I am even questioning that as everything is confusing! We have a ‘nice’ life, we go on holidays, have a nice home etc but his behaviour and personality are making me see him in an unattractive light. If we have an argument, often he will call me a c**t or will tell me to stfu etc, is this normal when arguing? For people to be this aggressive? I have told him I don’t like the C word and he continues to use it, tells me to grow up as it’s just a word when I pull him on it etc. A few weeks ago our dog got out of the house, I was pulling him in by the collar and he was stood watching me at the door, he’s not always good with other dogs as he got attacked recently so I was panicking about getting him back inside. As I was pulling him in he slapped me round the head and when I asked him wtf he thought he was doing he said I was ‘hurting’ the dog and he wanted me to get off him (i wasn’t hurting him at all). He’s never hit me before and I think he was in shock that he did it himself tbh, I told him I was leaving as I couldn’t trust him not to do it again in the future and he started panicking saying what you’re leaving just because of that, you moved your head that’s why I caught you etc, said he was sorry that if it’s what I wanted he would buy me out etc. This is the first time he’s ever been scared about me leaving (probably because he was worried I’d tell people what he had done). Usually he tells me I have no where to go etc (I do, my family would have me in a heartbeat). Other things he has done for context is told me I should make more effort when inside, wear makeup etc, tells me I only make an effort when I go out. I asked why I’d wear makeup at home when I’m doing anything he said we both should always make effort etc. He never tells me what to wear or what I can do or where I can go but often falls out with me after a night out because I was too drunk etc. I think I know what the answers will be but I don’t know what I’m looking for really, just some clarity I suppose. Sorry for the rant! X
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Suzesnooze
VIP Member
Maybe just go and stay with your parents for a bit and see if it makes a difference or if he puts any effort in to getting you back? I did this once with my husband (although we weren't married at the time but had 2 kids) and it did the trick. Sometimes they need a kick up the arse and to realise they're taking you for granted.
ThreeSteaksPam
Chatty Member
You can’t make someone love you the way you want them to unfortunately. It has to come from them naturally, it’s out of your control. But the problem is definitely not you
Don’t lower your expectations or your standards or compromise your own happiness. It will just make you resentful. Have you spoken to him about why things have changed so drastically? Does he discuss his feelings with you? 
Thanks everyone for your responses! You know sometimes when you don’t know whether something is right or wrong because it’s been happening so long? I often think surely everyone has arguments like this or other people’s partners will call them names too etc. It’s good to sometimes get other views and perspectives on a situation. He also doesn’t allow any room for discussion as anything I bring up just ends up in an argument. It is draining!
Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this, I bet lockdown hasn’t helped either!
Have you spoken to him about how you’re feeling?
I’ve been with my partner 8 years (no kids) and sometimes he gets very complacent. Similar with the not tidying up after himself, expecting me to do everything around the house, sitting on his phone for hours not really interacting or paying any attention to me.
I can openly be very fed up and upset with him but he still doesn’t really notice unless I make a point of telling him what’s upsetting me. I think men are generally just worse at communicating but maybe telling him how you’re feeling might help (if you haven’t already)?
Have you spoken to him about how you’re feeling?
I’ve been with my partner 8 years (no kids) and sometimes he gets very complacent. Similar with the not tidying up after himself, expecting me to do everything around the house, sitting on his phone for hours not really interacting or paying any attention to me.
I can openly be very fed up and upset with him but he still doesn’t really notice unless I make a point of telling him what’s upsetting me. I think men are generally just worse at communicating but maybe telling him how you’re feeling might help (if you haven’t already)?
ThreeSteaksPam
Chatty Member
I’ll chip in as well 
I’ve also just gone through this exact thing with someone I’ve been with for a year.
In the beginning he was perfect, then over time, everything I loved about him when we first met started to drop off. Ultimatums didn’t work and I always felt like he was testing me to see how far he could push me. About a month ago, I finally snapped after spending months miserable, comfort eating and riddled with anxiety and resentment and I left him. It was the best thing I ever did.
Something I always find helpful is to take a step back and remove yourself from the situation. Imagine your best friend is in your situation and asking for your advice, what would you tell them to do? I’d just say make sure you’re not staying with someone who is toxic for you because it’s “comfortable” or out of fear of the unknown. You are a human being with feelings and needs that should be being met and you deserve to be happy whether that’s with the partner or without
I’ve also just gone through this exact thing with someone I’ve been with for a year.In the beginning he was perfect, then over time, everything I loved about him when we first met started to drop off. Ultimatums didn’t work and I always felt like he was testing me to see how far he could push me. About a month ago, I finally snapped after spending months miserable, comfort eating and riddled with anxiety and resentment and I left him. It was the best thing I ever did.
Something I always find helpful is to take a step back and remove yourself from the situation. Imagine your best friend is in your situation and asking for your advice, what would you tell them to do? I’d just say make sure you’re not staying with someone who is toxic for you because it’s “comfortable” or out of fear of the unknown. You are a human being with feelings and needs that should be being met and you deserve to be happy whether that’s with the partner or without
Thank you I do appreciate the advice and support here. I think it’s so hard when you love someone because you just want them to treat you how they did at the beginning and return your love. I have spent so long asking myself why he doesn’t love me the same way and blaming myself but I’m beginning to see that I’ve always given him 100% but he hasn’t done the same for me and that’s wrong. We shouldn’t have to feel last place or question ourselves if we’re not in the wrong.
There’s only so many times you can tell someone - and then you start to feel like their mum telling them how they should be behaving!
I agree with the previous poster. If you’re not happy and you’ve tried to make him see things from your point of view and nothing’s changed, then put yourself first and do what’s best for you x
Your not being selfish.
Admitting you are struggling with grief is hard especially for males. And it is alot easier to tell a stranger how you feel etc.
Maybe he needs to have counselling.
Gossiperina
Well-known member
You are honestly superwoman!! Women who have full time jobs and take good care of their children, in my eyes are absolutely amazing!! A husband/boyfriend - especially father of your child - needs to be there as an equal partner (if he can't be an equal partner at least put in 30% of the work in the house - and that is the lowest I would go)!!And I also have a normal full time job too
Aww feel for you
definitely leave him. His behaviour and attitude toward you is not normal. I know it's hard because 10 years with someone is a long time but you will be OK and you will be happy in the future. Stay strong x
Flossy2019
VIP Member
It is hard because at the beginning he was amazing , and then his dad passed away it absolutely broke him and then he was never the same again. So I do kind of keep that into consideration but the other parts I don’t always think I should have to put up with I always try to tell him there is more to life than working but all he comes back with is we need the money. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship and feeling alone
Raininvain
VIP Member
Well if it was me, I'd be long gone but I think you need to lay your cards on the table and tell him he either steps up or your off. No ifs and buts on his part saying you should do more. The deal is he does XYZ and tell him what tasks he needs to be doing and you'll review things in a week or so. He sounds very lazy and full of shit.See I always say this too. But because he works more than me he thinks I should do the majority. But I see it as I do most of the looking after our son so house work should be between us for sure!!! Not to mention there is food shopping and all our pets to feed. I also have a horse to look after
Dexy
VIP Member
This 100%. Sounds like he’s not coping and using work as a distraction. Hope you get through this x
I see you mentioned about his dad passing away. I'm not trying to excuse bad behaviours but it may be beneficial for him to speak with someone about that if he is struggling? I have had depression in the past and it did make me act very differently and it changed how I felt about my relationship at the time.
Flossy2019
VIP Member
Yeah definitely I hate nagging him. But I shouldn’t have to?? I know men don’t think like we do but I’ve always gone with the if he wanted to he would have frame of mind. It just makes me sad that things used to be really good and now I’m miserable
Thank you. I’m sure this liberated feeling won’t last and I’ll be crying and eating chocolate tomorrow like usual when this stuff happens!Well done. You are strong and brave and amazing! Here's to a happy future
Gossiperina
Well-known member
I feel like you are replying to your own questions here and giving yourself advice. You finally understand how much you actually do and that he is definitely not pulling his weight.See I always say this too. But because he works more than me he thinks I should do the majority. But I see it as I do most of the looking after our son so house work should be between us for sure!!! Not to mention there is food shopping and all our pets to feed. I also have a horse to look after
Life is too short to stay with a man who doesn't respect you!!!
Death2unicorns
Chatty Member
Sorry you are having such a hard time, I would agree with other posters who have said to have a proper sit down heart to heart with him, asap, explaining things need to change and how and why
allow a bit of time, if things don’t start getting better, leave, if there’s any significant relapses, leave, this should still be the honeymoon period for you’s - two years is no time at all, if it weren’t for the fact that you have a baby with him I’d be saying the relationship is dead in the water and to move on and don’t look back, but I think it’s worth a try at salvaging things because there is a baby involved, if he will commit to making changes
I think you need to set yourself a time period, maybe 6 months or so, and if you still feel like this then just spilt up as your little one deserves a happy mum,
Congratulations on the baby my little one turned 1 in April too
allow a bit of time, if things don’t start getting better, leave, if there’s any significant relapses, leave, this should still be the honeymoon period for you’s - two years is no time at all, if it weren’t for the fact that you have a baby with him I’d be saying the relationship is dead in the water and to move on and don’t look back, but I think it’s worth a try at salvaging things because there is a baby involved, if he will commit to making changes
I think you need to set yourself a time period, maybe 6 months or so, and if you still feel like this then just spilt up as your little one deserves a happy mum,
Congratulations on the baby my little one turned 1 in April too
My ex had the attitude that everything in the house was a womans job. Even though I worked fulltime from when my son was 4 months old. He also used to claim his job was more important and that he provided more this was far from the truth. If I didn't buy him the most expensive meat or a posh dinner he would be horrible to me.See I always say this too. But because he works more than me he thinks I should do the majority. But I see it as I do most of the looking after our son so house work should be between us for sure!!! Not to mention there is food shopping and all our pets to feed. I also have a horse to look after
What I'm trying to say is you should be working together to help each other. His attitude needs to change before he drives you away.