So today I finally grew a set of balls and took the plunge. I don’t know what or how but I finally decided I was going to have a bit of self respect. As usual he was flirtatious and chatty which I swear he does that on purpose to stop me from being confrontational. Anyway today it didn’t work and I told him I was no longer going to plead to be a part of his life and that if he wanted anything to do with me that he would have to make the effort from now on. It wasn’t angry or shouty- I just told him straight and then friend zoned him because it’s not my style to be nasty. I think I must be mad because weirdly it felt quite liberating but then again I have deep rooted abandonment issues so for me to step back completely from someone like this is massive. I just wanted to come back and thank you all because you reminded me that deep down we are all strong wonderful women and that’s worth more than anything.
- Notice
BettyCrocker
VIP Member
Unfortunately it sounds like you didn’t really know each other properly when you fell pregnant and now you’re realising what he is really like...
he sounds like an arse. He is using work as excuse to do nothing at home. How is he with your son? Does he take an active role? is he interested in being a parent?
My honest, gut feeling would be that you sit him down and calmly explain to him that you aren’t happy. Ask him to be honest - does he love you/does he see a future with you? Ask yourself those same questions about him. Don’t stay with him for your son - that’s not fair on any of you.
youve only been together a very short time - this isn’t what a happy, balanced, mature relationship is.
he sounds like an arse. He is using work as excuse to do nothing at home. How is he with your son? Does he take an active role? is he interested in being a parent?
My honest, gut feeling would be that you sit him down and calmly explain to him that you aren’t happy. Ask him to be honest - does he love you/does he see a future with you? Ask yourself those same questions about him. Don’t stay with him for your son - that’s not fair on any of you.
youve only been together a very short time - this isn’t what a happy, balanced, mature relationship is.
Don’t ever stay for the sake of your child. Likelihood is your son will be perfectly happy either way. If he’s not present for you is he even present for your child? If he’s drinking now to avoid spending time together what happens in 5 years when life stresses get a bit more? Sit down, talk it through, maybe try once more but if it doesn’t change then I’d be walking away. Your happiness and your child’s happiness matter the most.
Flossy2019
VIP Member
Thankyou for your advice. I will sit him down and tell him how I feel no messing or beating around the bush. And then if it doesn’t make a difference my bags will be packed 
Flossy2019
VIP Member
I’ve been feeling rubbish for a good few months now and generally just at the end of my tether. Been with my fella for over two years we’ve got a baby who was one in April. I did get pregnant quickly .. When we first got together he was loving attentive shouldn’t keep his hands off me put me first you know the score.. anyway as time has gone on, he barely pays me any attention we bicker quite a bit, I spend a lot of time crying he doesn’t seem to make me feel any better. He’s hardly ever at home due to work, he has two jobs but when he is here he may as well not be.. he sits downstairs drinking a lot whilst I’m in bed he often falls asleep on the sofa and doesn’t come to bed. He doesn’t clean up after himself he expects me to do the food shopping as well as go to work and look after OUR CHild. 97% of the time I sit at home on my own with our son. He puts his mum and sister first above me a lot of the time.. he never sees my side of the argument. I just can’t take it anymore I can’t cope with cleaning up after him he’s a lot older than me he isn’t a boy he’s a grown man for god sake and I feel like I have two children. I’m just looking for a bit of advice really. Part of me wants to walk away another part of me wants to stay but a bit of that part wants me to stay just because of our son.
Raininvain
VIP Member
You need to leave him dont you?
ThreeSteaksPam
Chatty Member
I’ll add my two cents here too if it helps in any way.
Obviously losing a parent is awful and is something that will happen to us all one day. But he’s a parent himself and life goes on. He needs to either process his grief (alone or with help) or put up and shut up. You shouldn’t be playing a supporting role in your own life, you are a human being with needs of your own.
Also, easier said than done, but please don’t cling to the memories of the person he was hoping that he’ll change and it will all go back to how it was in the beginning. You’ll dream your life away, trust me I’ve been there. I spent months miserable, walking on eggshells, doing the most for little return and agonising over how I could fix it / what I did wrong and it only got worse.
Reading back this sounds quite matter of fact but I wish someone had said it to me and saved me some anguish, I hope it helps
Obviously losing a parent is awful and is something that will happen to us all one day. But he’s a parent himself and life goes on. He needs to either process his grief (alone or with help) or put up and shut up. You shouldn’t be playing a supporting role in your own life, you are a human being with needs of your own.
Also, easier said than done, but please don’t cling to the memories of the person he was hoping that he’ll change and it will all go back to how it was in the beginning. You’ll dream your life away, trust me I’ve been there. I spent months miserable, walking on eggshells, doing the most for little return and agonising over how I could fix it / what I did wrong and it only got worse.
Reading back this sounds quite matter of fact but I wish someone had said it to me and saved me some anguish, I hope it helps
BettyCrocker
VIP Member
Leave him, get out and never go back. He hit you - once is enough. Don’t ever give him the opportunity to do it again. I don’t think it’s normal at all for him to call you a c*nt or to tell you to stfu.
Raininvain
VIP Member
You need to leave him now before he batters you senseless, hes working upto it and blamed you for him hitting you. Go to your parents and see a solictor on Monday about splitting the house/finances etc.X.
I think you know the answer to your own question. A man should never hit a woman. I think by asking for the reassurance you are aware of how wrong it is!
Having been in a dv relationship in the past I will never condone violence in a relationship. And it sounds like your relationship is going down that track.
I only found the courage to leave when I had to confront the truth.
Flossy2019
VIP Member
I second this. and he is blaming you for hitting you... when he was the one who raised his hand. You never know what else he would do
Pandafeet
Well-known member
Leave him. Go to your family who will look after you. This man is dangerous and you are worth so much more.
Moe
VIP Member
Please leave him. You mention gaslighting and have been with him for ten years. Do you know how much that wears someone down and the sad bit is we don’t even realise it until many years later when you finally escape and if you don’t get away the violence starts.
Please think of yourself. Is this the life you deserve. Run dear lady as fast as you can x
Please think of yourself. Is this the life you deserve. Run dear lady as fast as you can x
Gossiperina
Well-known member
I am gonna say this: if a man sees you cry, and doesn't do anything to make you feel better, he is not worth your time!
He might be depressed because he doesn't have the job he truly wants and he is coping just by drinking and being a slug. But even so, as a significant other and mother of his child, he should put you and your child above anyone else. Everything he does shows lack of respect for you or your work. Some men don't understand just how hard taking care of a baby or toddler is (he might have two jobs, but you literally have a 24/7 job as a mom).
He might be depressed because he doesn't have the job he truly wants and he is coping just by drinking and being a slug. But even so, as a significant other and mother of his child, he should put you and your child above anyone else. Everything he does shows lack of respect for you or your work. Some men don't understand just how hard taking care of a baby or toddler is (he might have two jobs, but you literally have a 24/7 job as a mom).
Please dont stay because of your child. I made that mistake.
Tell him how you feel and give him the ultimatum and if he dont change you know your answer.
We can all say if we was in that situation we would go but I know how hard it is.
Having a child and living with someone makes you feel like you have to try harder for the relationship to work. I always had the impression I would be a failure if I become a single parent. My ex took away a lot of my confidence.
I couldn't leave my ex as it was my house and he would never leave. I always buckled to the emotional abuse.
It took me years to find the courage and the only reason I did was because I couldn't hide how he treated me anymore.
Sometimes you have to take a massive leap into the unknown and hope it works out.
3 years down the line I can happily say that walking to work with blood pouring down my head was the bravest thing I ever did.
It hasn't been easy but everyone needs to think of there own happiness and what you can see in the future because we only have one.
Hi everyone, I’m also after some advice. I have been seeing someone for a couple of years. At the start it was really full on and I felt rushed so I held back but we did gradually build a relationship. Although we argued, we have this connection that I’ve never felt before however things started to fizzle out a year to 2 years ago. I’ve given ultimatums when he blows hot and cold and called him out for his behaviour. I have never felt that I am the last priority on his list and he has made many promises that he’s never delivered on. My friends don’t like him because of the effect on me. The problem is I’m not sure if I want to leave him because I do have feelings and a part of me hopes we can get back what we had. I’ve had the talk with him so many times and for a short while he pulls his socks up but it always goes back to him spending no time with me and showing no affection. It makes me feel very anxious and I already have issues with my mental health. Sometimes I feel angry with myself for not feeling able to stand up for myself and kicking his arse for ruining my self esteem because I did used to be a confident and outgoing person who would never let someone treat me like this. It’s just hard though because you don’t want to lose someone you love.
User_name_100
Well-known member
I hope my reply doesn't come across as harsh but I really doubt a chat will change things, he seems set in his ways and if he doesn't listen to you now a chat isn't going to do anything I'm afraid.
He comes across like a manchild, does he add anything positive to your life? Is he making your life better in any way? I doubt it.
I reckon your life will be a million times better without having to clean up after him...! Why are you putting up with this behaviour?? Please remember this is teaching your child what relationships are like.
As I said I don't want to sound harsh and I understand he's been through a bereavement but he's not really treating you well is he? Don't you think you deserve better?
All the best and I hope it works out ok in the end.
He comes across like a manchild, does he add anything positive to your life? Is he making your life better in any way? I doubt it.
I reckon your life will be a million times better without having to clean up after him...! Why are you putting up with this behaviour?? Please remember this is teaching your child what relationships are like.
As I said I don't want to sound harsh and I understand he's been through a bereavement but he's not really treating you well is he? Don't you think you deserve better?
All the best and I hope it works out ok in the end.
In that case I think you need to make the decision for him. Pack your bags, go to your mums.
If he fights he fights, if he doesn’t, well then.
But to be honest, I had an ex (no kids) who worked all the time and then chose to spend days off with his friends rather than me. We drifted apart and whilst it sucked to begin with it was the right choice in the end.
Your child is one, so won’t know any different when they’re older if you left him now. If you stayed and there was animosity your child could well remember that.
If he fights he fights, if he doesn’t, well then.
But to be honest, I had an ex (no kids) who worked all the time and then chose to spend days off with his friends rather than me. We drifted apart and whilst it sucked to begin with it was the right choice in the end.
Your child is one, so won’t know any different when they’re older if you left him now. If you stayed and there was animosity your child could well remember that.