BF Query

[BallsBurst]

I have a similar living situation, where I owned my house before I met my other half, and now we live together he pays me ‘rent’ that covers half of the bills and mortgage, what he pays to me doesn’t even touch what he would pay if he rented, so he’s getting a pretty good deal out of it! so I don’t find this strange, and actually think it’s strange that someone above suggested that he should be put on the mortgage - that’s your house babe, and without knowing his history why the hell should he be entitled to any of it, especially if he can’t talk about finances with you!
I do agree that maybe he has some debt he is ashamed of, or something, but as an adult he should be able to sit down and talk about it, and not go in a huff like a child? Money’s difficult to talk about sometimes, but it shouldn’t be if you’re in a committed relationship?
my question would be, why do you want to know this info? Are you just being nosey, especially knowing he doesn’t like talking about it? Or are you thinking about the future?
I think the only option is talking about it, at least to find out if you are on the same page about the future?

You've written this better than I ever could. I don't know do some people who are replying know how hard it is as a sole applicant finally getting on the property ladder. And I don't mean that as a difficulty sore. The absolute hardship of all the saving and years of depriving myself of nice things. I could cry.
Any way. My concerns are definately down to me looking into the future for both of us. We've talked about getting engaged but it doesn't seem to be on a priority list for him. He has withdrawn money. 4 figures. *he told me this willingly* before anyone @s me. And he's blowing it - actively. Asked me the other day do I want a tip for Cheltenham. Isn't Cheltenham at Easter?

 

[JoeBloggs]

@LadyB65 I only mentioned the mortgage because of the comment about him not paying for the costs of the home made earlier. Why should he cover these costs if he owns no part of it.

I think you need to sit down, perhaps things will come out neither of you want to hear but I think it is the only way forward. You both need to be open and honest about your future.

 

[a.pain]

I think it’s bonkers people are suggesting he shouldn’t pay anything unless you put him on the mortgage. He would pay rent to live anywhere else and why should he live with you for free because you’re in a relationship? Likewise, you’d be mad to add him to the mortgage when you aren’t in that place yet where you know you have a secure future together. Years back when I first moved in with my husband (not married at that time) I didn’t know the ins and outs of his finances no and I probably didn’t ask. I think if you are starting to move towards a future together, and linking your finances, you have a right to ask if there are any issues you should know about. But then that would probably come hand in hand with the above re the mortgage. Doesn’t sound like that’s where you are?

 

[BallsBurst]

@LadyB65 I only mentioned the mortgage because of the comment about him not paying for the costs of the home made earlier. Why should he cover these costs if he owns no part of it.

I think you need to sit down, perhaps things will come out neither of you want to hear but I think it is the only way forward. You both need to be open and honest about your future.

Yes. But @JoeBloggs I mentioned that because another poster specifically said he paid 50% to a joint house hold. He doesn't. He pays an agreed amount. Agreed between both of us. Not because I expected him to pay for the cost of it. I pay those bills

 

[LadyB65]

@JoeBloggs I appreciate that, from my point of view, my OH would pay way more to live elsewhere, And he lives in the home, so why shouldn’t he contribute to bills/repairs, we do have a plan to eventually move though and buy a house together, I only own this solely as I got it before I met him. But I’m proud of the fact it’s mine and was able to buy it myself.
To go back to the original post, I suppose you first need to work out what you both want for the future, could you broach the subject that way? Without specifically mentioning money? If he’s happy to blow four figures on goodness knows what, but not to buy you a ring or save it for other future expenses then maybe he isn’t at that stage in his life just now? I certainly can’t account for every penny my OH spends, and I wouldn’t want to, but it is nice to know that we are at least on the same page with regards to the future. The Cheltenham thing is strange though, it would definitely suggest to me that he likes to gamble, which is fine, until it becomes a problem, and something that he feels he has to do to win money back that he has previously lost, I’m sure it can become a vicious cycle, as lax as I am about my OH’s spending, this is definitely something that I would want to know about - especially because it could affect our future x

 

[Be More Pacific]

Just to clarify, when I queried the "rent" situation, in no way was suggesting you put him on your mortgage. It's just an odd term to use when people live together. Like when couples who live together lend each other money. Don't even get me started

In my opinion, you have every right to ask him about money if you are living together and building a life together. Before I moved in with my partner, I asked him to do credit report that I could look at. I know that sounds over the top but he had separated from his now ex wife, who had remortgaged the house at one point without telling him (forged his signature on the documents) and he was being very vague about his outgoings when I was trying to work out what we could afford to rent together. And, in my defence, I'm an ex mortgage underwriter and felt like he was hiding something. Turns out he wasn't - he just really has no interest in money! He couldn't tell you now what our set outgoings are each money whereas I can tell you pretty much to the penny.

 

[BallsBurst]

Just to clarify, when I queried the "rent" situation, in no way was suggesting you put him on your mortgage. It's just an odd term to use when people live together. Like when couples who live together lend each other money. Don't even get me started

In my opinion, you have every right to ask him about money if you are living together and building a life together. Before I moved in with my partner, I asked him to do credit report that I could look at. I know that sounds over the top but he had separated from his now ex wife, who had remortgaged the house at one point without telling him (forged his signature on the documents) and he was being very vague about his outgoings when I was trying to work out what we could afford to rent together. And, in my defence, I'm an ex mortgage underwriter and felt like he was hiding something. Turns out he wasn't - he just really has no interest in money! He couldn't tell you now what our set outgoings are each money whereas I can tell you pretty much to the penny.

I'm in no way judging you by saying this but you find it odd that I used the word rent to describe the money my bf contributes but your ok with asking an OH to do a credit report. We might be more alike than you care to think. Because although I agree it's a little OTT I want to know the exact same as you

 

[Be More Pacific]

I'm in no way judging you by saying this but you find it odd that I used the word rent to describe the money my bf contributes but your ok with asking an OH to do a credit report. We might be more alike than you care to think. Because although I agree it's a little OTT I want to know the exact same as you

Oh, I know some people would consider it over the top - like I'm some kind of credit Nazi - but when you work in finance for 24 years, you really do see and hear it all especially arrears and repossessions which I also did (trust me, that's when the truth really comes out) - so hell yeah, I wanted to make damn sure what I was getting into especially with a manipulative ex-wife in the background who also took out two loans in his name (that WE then had to pay for two years)

So yeah, I'm ok with it. Shame more people don't do the same before rushing to take out joint mortgages with people they don't really know.

I've mentioned this before on here but I also worked for a mortgage broker and one of our advisers had an appointment with a married couple. On the morning of the appointment, he got a call from the guy asking him to come a bit earlier as he wanted to talk to him without the wife there. It turned out the guy had a child conceived during a one night stand, who he'd never had any contact with, and it happened way before he'd even met his wife - but he'd never told her about it. The CSA were taking payment at source and he wanted to show our adviser his 'real' income before his wife got there. She'd never seen his payslips. Anyway, because of the CSA payments, their affordability was completely fucked and they couldn't get the mortgage they wanted.

So yeah, check it all people - credit reports, bank statements (the bank statements of gamblers are obvious and I've turned down people for mortgages based on it) payslips, the lot before you hitch your financial star to some loser!

 

[BallsBurst]

Oh, I know some people would consider it over the top - like I'm some kind of credit Nazi - but when you work in finance for 24 years, you really do see and hear it all especially arrears and repossessions which I also did (trust me, that's when the truth really comes out) - so yeah, I wanted to make damn sure what I was getting into especially with a manipulative ex-wife in the background who also took out two loans in his name (that WE then had to pay for two years)

So yeah, I'm ok with it. Shame more people don't do the same before rushing to take out joint mortgages with people they don't really know.

I've mentioned this before on here but I also worked for a mortgage broker and one of our advisers had an appointment with a married couple. On the morning of the appointment, he got a call from the guy asking him to come a bit earlier as he wanted to talk to him without the wife there. It turned out the guy had a child conceived during a one night stand, who he'd never had any contact with, and it happened way before he'd even met his wife - but he'd never told her about it. The CSA were taking payment at source and he wanted to show our adviser his 'real' income before his wife got there. She'd never seen his payslips. Anyway, because of the CSA payments, their affordability was completely fucked and they couldn't get the mortgage they wanted.

So yeah, check it all people - credit reports, bank statements (the bank statements of gamblers are obvious and I've turned down people for mortgages based on it) payslips, the lot before you hitch your financial star to some loser!

I like you I'd pick you as a friend IRL

 

[Leskank]

OP I think you’re right to be suspicious. In my experience reluctance to talk about finances is a huge red flag. My husband was very cagey when it came to talking about money and kept delaying setting up a joint bank account after we married. I’m bloody glad he did because he died suddenly just 10 months in to our marriage and I have since discovered he had over 15k of debt that he had kept secret from me. If we had a joint account I would have been linked to him financially and it would have destroyed my credit rating. He obviously knew this which is why he kept putting it off.

Go with your gut on this. If you feel like he’s hiding something, he most likely is.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I think it’s bonkers people are suggesting he shouldn’t pay anything unless you put him on the mortgage. He would pay rent to live anywhere else and why should he live with you for free because you’re in a relationship? Likewise, you’d be mad to add him to the mortgage when you aren’t in that place yet where you know you have a secure future together. Years back when I first moved in with my husband (not married at that time) I didn’t know the ins and outs of his finances no and I probably didn’t ask. I think if you are starting to move towards a future together, and linking your finances, you have a right to ask if there are any issues you should know about. But then that would probably come hand in hand with the above re the mortgage. Doesn’t sound like that’s where you are?

You have miss read what I said, I said why should he be covering the costs of the home (ie repairs or improvements) if he's not on the mortgage. Say he pays for a new boiler, and the they break up he's put into her home and leaves with nothing.

By all means he should be paying his share of the mortgage/rent and the bills but expecting him to pay for costs of a home that he gets no financial benefit or claim from is, imo, not fair. You cannot expect someone to put in but not get out, you do not have to cover maintenance if you rent so why should he when he effectively rents in this situation.

Again I do not think the OP should be adding him to the mortgage, but if this isn't in the future plan how much of a future is that for a relationship.

 

[BallsBurst]

You have miss read what I said, I said why should he be covering the costs of the home (ie repairs or improvements) if he's not on the mortgage. Say he pays for a new boiler, and the they break up he's put into her home and leaves with nothing.

By all means he should be paying his share of the mortgage/rent and the bills but expecting him to pay for costs of a home that he gets no financial benefit or claim from is, imo, not fair. You cannot expect someone to put in but not get out, you do not have to cover maintenance if you rent so why should he when he effectively rents in this situation.

Again I do not think the OP should be adding him to the mortgage, but if this isn't in the future plan how much of a future is that for a relationship.

Again. He doesn't. I cover those costs. I don't and never expected him to. I get your point and I know your replying to someone else. But your basing this on something I didn't say

 

[standupsitdown]

The more responsible one half of the partnership is, the more carefree the other half can be. I found that when I moved in with my partner, as I was the home owner. Luckily he’s open minded and understood my frustrations so now a lot of the utility bills are in his name and I feel that he’s pulling his weight. No room for passengers

We don’t have a joint account but only because we’ve never got round to it, and it’s definitely worth considering the legal and financial implications of a split. These things happen and IMO it’s silly to pretend they don’t.

 

[Kim Mild]

Yes I have absolutely explained it. I cleared a loan recently and it got me thinking. I remember in the early days seeing a loan application for €500 and because it was such a new relationship I didn't press him but made it clear he should have asked me if he was ever stuck. Other than needing constant reminding that bills are in/due there has been no delay on his part in paying his way. Ive just become so obsessed now. There are red flags that he is refusing to share this side of his life with me.

It isn't uncommon for people to spend all their income and have nothing left. IF he is repaying a debt or likes to gamble, this seems to be within his monthly budget.

You said you've become obsessed with it now , he may be aware of that which will only make him more secretive.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I'd hazard a guess that he's afraid I'd judge him, yea. I have absolutely no skeletons in my closet so I'm super cagey now. He gets really angry. I am the calmest person in a row I literally don't scream and shout but he does and this question triggers him.

Absolutely no chance he's loaded although I am holding out for a lotto win

To me, this is a huge red flag. He won't be open and talk to you and gets angry when you try and broach it, that's not healthy!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

His reaction & response to the question is the biggest issue here. He reacted to the question with negativity & hostility. There’s a reason.

if you are living together as a committed couple, building a life together as a couple, looking to the future together as partners then you both should be completely honest about your financial position. people don’t like to talk about it but unfortunately money is a huge building block of life and you of course have to be on the same page together on it. Do you know how much he earns a month? Does he contribute an equal share to the household bills/food shop/if you go on holidays etc etc etc - because he should be.

he’s being cagey with you because he’s hiding something - that should be a red flag. If he didn’t have something to hide he would have no issue discussing this with you.

 

[BallsBurst]

His reaction & response to the question is the biggest issue here. He reacted to the question with negativity & hostility. There’s a reason.

if you are living together as a committed couple, building a life together as a couple, looking to the future together as partners then you both should be completely honest about your financial position. people don’t like to talk about it but unfortunately money is a huge building block of life and you of course have to be on the same page together on it. Do you know how much he earns a month? Does he contribute an equal share to the household bills/food shop/if you go on holidays etc etc etc - because he should be.

he’s being cagey with you because he’s hiding something - that should be a red flag. If he didn’t have something to hide he would have no issue discussing this with you.

Other than the mortgage and annual household fees (insurance, management fees, tax, boiler services, water softener services, monitored alarm, cctv cameras) he provides 50/50. We both pay for his sky sports package no issues there.
Despite previous confusion he contributes to my mortgage but that's mostly paid by me as was always my intention.

 

[disneys]

I feel like this normal too ask this too but my partner says a women should never know

absolutely bin him !

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

We have separate finances, no joint accounts at all, but I know how much my partners salary is.

I think its v weird that 4 years in you have absolutely no idea about his finances at all?!? Its not a new relationship. Are there really people out there living together who hide their salary from each otherm

Who pays if you go out for food or an activity? Does his contribution cover his share of the utilities / tv subscriptions etc and food?

 

[sassylash]

absolutely bin him !

yes i know i need to