are we on different paths? relationship advice

[smooth_operator33]

hey all, i think i’m in need of advice or just to let out some emotions, i’m not sure but here goes.

so i’m leaving university this year - a big time in my life and i’m really excited to get into a new job, hopefully move city and just fully immerse myself in this new world.
I do also have a boyfriend of nearly 3 years (we ment just before university). He has always seemed very success & career driven, like me, however over the 3 years, non of this has come to light…
He’s had his job for nearly 5 years, working for a family member once a week, no more, no less. He did get another job at one point but lasted 10 shifts max.
I have conversations about what the future holds and we always talk about kids and house etc and he has a rough idea of what he wants to do after university but it just seems like he’s doing nothing to work towards it… not doing any research, no applications, nothing. Is this normal?
It’s been playing on my mind a lot because I just don’t want to feel like I’m being held back or that I’m dating someone that’s lazy or not very driven as it is a big deal for me.
Do I wait until university has finished to see if he bucks his ideas up, or, well idk what…

 

[SingingMonkeyTunes]

It sounds like your priorities aren't aligned as such, which is a red flag when you are young.

Do you see yourself with him in the longer term? Have you spoken to him about your concerns?

 

[smooth_operator33]

It sounds like your priorities aren't aligned as such, which is a red flag when you are young.

Do you see yourself with him in the longer term? Have you spoken to him about your concerns?

it’s difficult because part of me really can, he is such a lovely genuine person, but then part of me can’t see him getting up for work everyday and making moves towards being successful, so in the respect, no

i haven’t voiced my concerns as such, but i’ve mentioned here and there like “oh are you looking for jobs yet” or he tends to only wake up at 11am so i jokingly say like “omg how did you sleep so long!!”
i don’t want to say anything yet incase things do change and he then is constantly worried that im not happy etc, hence why i feel like i should wait it out until university has actually finished…

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I'll be honest I think you already know this is not the relationship for you. Clearly being motivated with work is important to you. Some things can be compromised on but you need to know if you would be ok if he doesn't want to "do" anything with his life.

For me personally being driven in a partner is not important BUT they have to be productive. In other words at least work a 40 hour week.

 

[smooth_operator33]

I'll be honest I think you already know this is not the relationship for you. Clearly being motivated with work is important to you. Some things can be compromised on but you need to know if you would be ok if he doesn't want to "do" anything with his life.

For me personally being driven in a partner is not important BUT they have to be productive. In other words at least work a 40 hour week.

yes that’s true, maybe like you say, being driven isn’t the key thing but some sort of productivity would be nice… i can’t see things changing in a hurry (like most things he does) but like i said i think i’ll wait university out and see if anything does change because i do truly love him and itd be a big decision. thank you for you advice though, you’ve basically confirmed what i’ve been thinking🤎

 

[judgejohndeed]

He has always seemed very success & career driven, like me, however over the 3 years, non of this has come to light…
He’s had his job for nearly 5 years, working for a family member once a week, no more, no less.

This part is baffling to me - someone who works once a week for 5 years is in no way career driven. I’m confused as to how he’s convinced you that’s the case tbh! If it’s a big deal to you (I get that, it is for me too) I wouldnt bother waiting until you graduate tbh. You waited 3 years already, he’s hardly going to change his whole lifestyle in the next couple of months.

 

[smooth_operator33]

This part is baffling to me - someone who works once a week for 5 years is in no way career driven. I’m confused as to how he’s convinced you that’s the case tbh! If it’s a big deal to you (I get that, it is for me too) I wouldnt bother waiting until you graduate tbh. You waited 3 years already, he’s hardly going to change his whole lifestyle in the next couple of months.

i think he’s always told me how he wants to be successful and live that lifestyle, i sorta just put his current job down to the fact he’s been in school and university… that being said, i’ve managed to work two jobs at once during this time, maybe it’s the rose tinted glasses

i’d also like to state that, i am an only child, he has three siblings & he is a middle child
my parents also had a business and retired young so i’ve always had this drive in me, whereas he’s from a comfortably living family, with parents in fairly normal jobs… not sure if that makes a difference

 

[Former_Antelopee]

If it was me I’d probably wait to see What happens after uni. My sisters just about to finish her degree but doesn’t really know what she wants to do afterwards still but I guess that depends on if his degree is for a specific job or more general.
Also I don’t see it as a bad thing that he doesn’t have a job with more hours. I know people who went to uni had a job whilst at uni and have never left that job. Having that one day a week job may push him into doing something about finding something after uni as he won’t be comfortable living on that wage. One of my old friends got a job at KFC whilst in school and worked there whilst at uni and is still there now 10years later. She was the most ambitious out of all my friends at school, had plans about what she wanted to do in life and wanted to move away from the area. She even did extra activities that would’ve looked good on her CV for what she planned to do. She ended up being the one who just stayed and kept the job she had at school/uni which she would’ve hated if you told her that 10years ago. Just because he doesn’t seem like he has plans on what to do doesn’t mean if he did they would happen anyway, so I’d wait and see.

 

[smooth_operator33]

If it was me I’d probably wait to see What happens after uni. My sisters just about to finish her degree but doesn’t really know what she wants to do afterwards still but I guess that depends on if his degree is for a specific job or more general.
Also I don’t see it as a bad thing that he doesn’t have a job with more hours. I know people who went to uni had a job whilst at uni and have never left that job. Having that one day a week job may push him into doing something about finding something after uni as he won’t be comfortable living on that wage. One of my old friends got a job at KFC whilst in school and worked there whilst at uni and is still there now 10years later. She was the most ambitious out of all my friends at school, had plans about what she wanted to do in life and wanted to move away from the area. She even did extra activities that would’ve looked good on her CV for what she planned to do. She ended up being the one who just stayed and kept the job she had at school/uni which she would’ve hated if you told her that 10years ago. Just because he doesn’t seem like he has plans on what to do doesn’t mean if he did they would happen anyway, so I’d wait and see.

thank you for this! i think i do sometimes struggle to see it from that perspective because he has told me he knows what he wants to do, just never does anything about it!
i agree though, i’m going to wait and see - thank you for being so kind

 

[Former_Antelopee]

thank you for this! i think i do sometimes struggle to see it from that perspective because he has told me he knows what he wants to do, just never does anything about it!
i agree though, i’m going to wait and see - thank you for being so kind

I think I see it because of my sister. We keep saying she will just end up staying in her uni job at a fast food restaurant since she’s comfortable there and she always gets mad at us. But then she also doesn’t know what she wants to do so again I think she’ll just stay like my friend from school did even though she did have plans. So I don’t think having plans or not means he won’t be different after finishing uni.
Could he be looking for a job that fits his plans but not telling you as he doesn’t want to say if he got rejected? Or is it a job that doesn’t come up very often so he is holding out as long as he can hoping one will come up. If so maybe once he finishes uni he will be forced to take a job that might not be exactly what he planned.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Ditch him.

you are way too young to be thinking about kids/houses etc with this guy.

you are leaving Uni, this is the start of your adult life now. You want to be free to really live your life - enjoying as you said things like moving to different places, trying new jobs, doing different things. This guy will just be like a millstone around your neck. He’s lazy, and someone else is clearly paying for him to live this lifestyle, and that’s his business, but don’t let it become your issue. It just sounds like you’ve matured and outgrown him & the relationship already, all perfectly normal.

 

[smooth_operator33]

I think I see it because of my sister. We keep saying she will just end up staying in her uni job at a fast food restaurant since she’s comfortable there and she always gets mad at us. But then she also doesn’t know what she wants to do so again I think she’ll just stay like my friend from school did even though she did have plans. So I don’t think having plans or not means he won’t be different after finishing uni.
Could he be looking for a job that fits his plans but not telling you as he doesn’t want to say if he got rejected? Or is it a job that doesn’t come up very often so he is holding out as long as he can hoping one will come up. If so maybe once he finishes uni he will be forced to take a job that might not be exactly what he planned.

hmm that’s true i suppose, i hadn’t thought of that…

Ditch him.

you are way too young to be thinking about kids/houses etc with this guy.

you are leaving Uni, this is the start of your adult life now. You want to be free to really live your life - enjoying as you said things like moving to different places, trying new jobs, doing different things. This guy will just be like a millstone around your neck. He’s lazy, and someone else is clearly paying for him to live this lifestyle, and that’s his business, but don’t let it become your issue. It just sounds like you’ve matured and outgrown him & the relationship already, all perfectly normal.

i had also thought that, i am quite an independent person and have become even more so recently
i do perhaps think i have outgrown it.. he is also younger than me by a few months and i have always wondered what it’d be like to be dating someone just a bit further ahead in life

Ditch him.

you are way too young to be thinking about kids/houses etc with this guy.

you are leaving Uni, this is the start of your adult life now. You want to be free to really live your life - enjoying as you said things like moving to different places, trying new jobs, doing different things. This guy will just be like a millstone around your neck. He’s lazy, and someone else is clearly paying for him to live this lifestyle, and that’s his business, but don’t let it become your issue. It just sounds like you’ve matured and outgrown him & the relationship already, all perfectly normal.

also if i was to end things… how do i go about it? i don’t want to come across as blaming him or feeling “better” than him etc
how would you do this?

 

[Rxt156]

Sounds like a bit of a bum. Why did you wait until now though? Why was this not an issue before if he’s done it for years?

 

[1001 others]

Are you in your early 20s, @smooth_operator33 ?

The reason for my asking, is that people typically do a lot of growing up at that stage of life ... what you wanted or thought you wanted two or three years prior to that age, can change completely. I also think you've grown and evolved since being at university, whereas he's stood still.

I would worry that he is going to hold you back. You sound excited for your future, whereas he seems content just to go with the flow. That in itself is going to cause major issues.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with people in a relationship having completely different interests, but they do need to have a common goal or mindset about things to anchor them, and I feel this is missing in your relationship.

If you do want to end things with him, I would suggest you say that you feel you both want different things from the future, and feel that some time apart will be best to decide if you have a future together. If you currently live together, one of you needs to move out - can you go and live with a friend? - still see each other for the occasional meal and see if there's still something there. If you don't live together, put some distance in between how often you see each other.

Sounds like a bit of a bum. Why did you wait until now though? Why was this not an issue before if he’s done it for years?

I wonder if it's been comfortable ... like a pair of old slippers ... up until this point? But now she has blossomed, she's seeing dead wood ...

 

[Sheabutter]

hey all, i think i’m in need of advice or just to let out some emotions, i’m not sure but here goes.

so i’m leaving university this year - a big time in my life and i’m really excited to get into a new job, hopefully move city and just fully immerse myself in this new world.
I do also have a boyfriend of nearly 3 years (we ment just before university). He has always seemed very success & career driven, like me, however over the 3 years, non of this has come to light…
He’s had his job for nearly 5 years, working for a family member once a week, no more, no less. He did get another job at one point but lasted 10 shifts max.
I have conversations about what the future holds and we always talk about kids and house etc and he has a rough idea of what he wants to do after university but it just seems like he’s doing nothing to work towards it… not doing any research, no applications, nothing. Is this normal?
It’s been playing on my mind a lot because I just don’t want to feel like I’m being held back or that I’m dating someone that’s lazy or not very driven as it is a big deal for me.
Do I wait until university has finished to see if he bucks his ideas up, or, well idk what…

He has the rest of his life to work. Does he get good grades? Does he have hobbies that can propel him into a career? Just to give you another perspective: I was encouraged to keep my nose to the grindstone and doing anything aside from studying, including getting a job, was frowned upon. Case in point, my grandfather made a point of gifting his grandkids cars after they graduated. This way, they couldn’t leave campus. Everyone had a different style in university (like I got a job anyway I found one on campus because I was dying for independence) but in the end we all found real jobs. The seemingly lazy grandchild spent all his time with the computer club and had a job from Microsoft lined up when he finished school. Everyone is different. You have to take honest stock of your boyfriend. If he isn’t working towards a useful degree and you think there is a real chance you are going to be subsidizing him all throughout his adult life you should absolutely walk away.

 

[smooth_operator33]

Are you in your early 20s, @smooth_operator33 ?

The reason for my asking, is that people typically do a lot of growing up at that stage of life ... what you wanted or thought you wanted two or three years prior to that age, can change completely. I also think you've grown and evolved since being at university, whereas he's stood still.

I would worry that he is going to hold you back. You sound excited for your future, whereas he seems content just to go with the flow. That in itself is going to cause major issues.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with people in a relationship having completely different interests, but they do need to have a common goal or mindset about things to anchor them, and I feel this is missing in your relationship.

If you do want to end things with him, I would suggest you say that you feel you both want different things from the future, and feel that some time apart will be best to decide if you have a future together. If you currently live together, one of you needs to move out - can you go and live with a friend? - still see each other for the occasional meal and see if there's still something there. If you don't live together, put some distance in between how often you see each other.



I wonder if it's been comfortable ... like a pair of old slippers ... up until this point? But now she has blossomed, she's seeing dead wood ...

thank you for your lovely responses, it’s great to see the different perspectives!
yes so i’m 21, he’s 20, i think it’s coming to light more now because we are leaving university this time, also we are on the same course together:/
i think like you say, it is a big time for change so maybe it’ll scare him into doing something, if it doesn’t then maybe that’s my sign 🤎

 

[Hurrah54]

Hey I just wanted to check.. he's been doing the same uni course as you?
If he's in full time education then it's not the end of the world if he's been doing the same job for the past few years for a bit of money.
(Sorry if I've misunderstood!)
Have you worked during uni?

Also, lots of people don't know what they want to do after uni. In a way it's good to do something completely different and embrace another part of your life.
If it's more of a personality thing where he he's a bit of bum and it puts you off, then that's fair enough.

 

[smooth_operator33]

Hey I just wanted to check.. he's been doing the same uni course as you?
If he's in full time education then it's not the end of the world if he's been doing the same job for the past few years for a bit of money.
(Sorry if I've misunderstood!)
Have you worked during uni?

Also, lots of people don't know what they want to do after uni. In a way it's good to do something completely different and embrace another part of your life.
If it's more of a personality thing where he he's a bit of bum and it puts you off, then that's fair enough.

hey! yes we’re on the same course, we’re from the same town as the university too.
i have worked during university, sometimes two jobs, it’s not really been an intense course if i’m being honest, 6hours a week max.

yes and tbh i was on that same but for a while but that being said, i was doing research into what i wanted to do and taking the necessary steps into that however he just seems to… not?

 

[Sunflower91]

I had a fairly similar experience when I was at uni. My partner at the time was a couple of years older- still in uni (was really undecided on what he wanted so kept changing courses) and he never had a job- except occasional temp ones because his mum and dad would give him cash. Whereas I was working pretty much full time whilst at uni. I stuck with him for around 6 years and i constantly worried that he’d just never work (never did) and if I had a conversation with him about it he’d do the whole “if you really loved me..” thing. So for me it would be a bit of a red flag.

I think it’s definitely worth sitting down and having another chat with him. Just to check in and see if he’s made any decisions and whether that’s something that aligns with you. It could be that he has something in mind but he’s feeling a little lost/ worried. If he’s still messing around my advice would be that trying to fix someone never works, when In a relationship like that they generally will do the bare minimum to please you until you speak about it again. Or make out that your problem is around money/ looking good/not loving them enough when it really isn’t.

 

[smooth_operator33]

I had a fairly similar experience when I was at uni. My partner at the time was a couple of years older- still in uni (was really undecided on what he wanted so kept changing courses) and he never had a job- except occasional temp ones because his mum and dad would give him cash. Whereas I was working pretty much full time whilst at uni. I stuck with him for around 6 years and i constantly worried that he’d just never work (never did) and if I had a conversation with him about it he’d do the whole “if you really loved me..” thing. So for me it would be a bit of a red flag.

I think it’s definitely worth sitting down and having another chat with him. Just to check in and see if he’s made any decisions and whether that’s something that aligns with you. It could be that he has something in mind but he’s feeling a little lost/ worried. If he’s still messing around my advice would be that trying to fix someone never works, when In a relationship like that they generally will do the bare minimum to please you until you speak about it again. Or make out that your problem is around money/ looking good/not loving them enough when it really isn’t.

really interesting insight, thank you! i think he has a rough idea of what he wants to do, he just doesn’t seem proactive enough in moving forwards, i think that’s more my concern

that’s true though i think i’m going to sit and talk to him about what our next steps are and see if that puts me at ease