Abuse cycles - childhood vs adulthood

New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
Thank you. I'll look into it. I know the society is more aware now and accepting but I still feel really nervous of telling someone that I would like to go for counseling. I try and act normal everyday and that's why I don't think anyone thinks that I would want or need counselling. Did you tell anyone that you are going for counseling? How was the reaction? I understand that I don't have to tell anyone and it doesn't matter what people think but I'm just wondering what would be the reaction
I used to think people would judge me for asking for help... but I soon realised it's no one elses business.
I told my parents and I had to tell my work place as I had to attend during work time.
I realised its nothing to be ashamed of It made me see how strong I was to leave an abuser and overcome what he did to me.
Counselling is quite taboo to a lot of people as they wont understand why you cant deal with things but if they haven't been through what you have then they should never question your choices.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2
You don't have to have suffered from adversity in your childhood to be manipulated by an abuser...

It's not solely dependent on attachment style either, having certain personality traits may make you more susceptible to being targeted by potential abusers. INFP personality types are most likely to be victimised by narcissistic individuals, as are empaths. Abusers sadly don't discriminate.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 5
You don't have to have suffered from adversity in your childhood to be manipulated by an abuser...

It's not solely dependent on attachment style either, having certain personality traits may make you more susceptible to being targeted by potential abusers. INFP personality types are most likely to be victimised by narcissistic individuals, as are empaths. Abusers sadly don't discriminate.
Could you elaborate a bit on why those personality types are most susceptible to victimisation by narcissists please? Genuine interest in knowing more.
 
Could you elaborate a bit on why those personality types are most susceptible to victimisation by narcissists please? Genuine interest in knowing more.
INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging) personality types are often drawn to "broken" types such as narcissists because they're empaths who take on the pain of others with pure intentions of helping them heal. Introverted personality types are often described as "mediators" or "diplomats".

INFP (introverted, intuitive, feeling and prospecting) usually "give their all" to others which gives narcs an easy "power supply" once the victim is deflated of power, the narc will simply move on to new "supply" of a similar personality type.

The main difference between the 2 is INFJ's tend to be very in touch with their own emotions, whereas INFP types mirror other peoples emotions. Narcs are emotionally intelligent, able to discern exactly how chosen "supply" feels to control their emotions, narcs don't have emotions but simply view feelings as a tool to manipulate/control victims for their own gain. Both types are more susceptible, due to false belief from narcs that "sensitive" personalities succumb easier to bullying from an abuser. This is a living paradox as INFJ's are very compassionate, but will often defend themselves/their loved ones when they perceive their rights are being threatened.
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 3
INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging) personality types are often drawn to "broken" types such as narcissists because they're empaths who take on the pain of others with pure intentions of helping them heal. Introverted personality types are often described as "mediators" or "diplomats".

INFP (introverted, intuitive, feeling and prospecting) usually "give their all" to others which gives narcs an easy "power supply" once the victim is deflated of power, the narc will simply move on to new "supply" of a similar personality type.

The main difference between the 2 is INFJ's tend to be very in touch with their own emotions, whereas INFP types mirror other peoples emotions. Narcs are emotionally intelligent, able to discern exactly how chosen "supply" feels to control their emotions, narcs don't have emotions but simply view feelings as a tool to manipulate/control victims for their own gain. Both types are more susceptible, due to false belief from narcs that "sensitive" personalities succumb easier to bullying from an abuser. This is a living paradox as INFJ's are very compassionate, but will often defend themselves/their loved ones when they perceive their rights are being threatened.
Thanks so much for this! Very interesting.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 3
Abusers in relationships don’t always start off that way. Sometimes it’s hard to believe the person you trusted could behave this way or do this so you justify it or accept it because you don’t really comprehend the change or capability to be toxic. Sometimes you remember the person they appeared to be at first rather then the person they truly are
 
  • Like
Reactions: 6
You're welcome! If you want to know anything else within the field of personality/trauma etc feel free to message 😃
One other thing I’d like to know please. Are people born narcissists or is it something that develops due to external factors?
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2
One other thing I’d like to know please. Are people born narcissists or is it something that develops due to external factors?
Very similar to nature/nurture debate there's arguments for both

Narcissism is different to psychopathy/sociopathy where you can view reduced connectivity between the prefrontal cortex (area of the brain responsible for empathy development) and the amydgala (area of the brain that manages emotional regulation). Less gray matter is found though in individuals with NPD than in neurotypical individuals. Despite this, not every narcissistic individual meets the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.

Deep narcissistic wounds e.g neglect, overprotective attachment styles from a parent, abuse and bullying create the perfect combination of environmental factors for narcissism due to low self esteem and poor self image. Domineering parents who put their children down constantly can also breed narcissism. Personally I believe it takes a combination of both factors to create a narcissist, as many individuals who suffer from trauma in childhood are diagnosed with similar personality disorders/mood disorders. BPD and NPD appear very similar, but individuals with BPD are harmful to themselves rather than other people.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2
Very similar to nature/nurture debate there's arguments for both

Narcissism is different to psychopathy/sociopathy where you can view reduced connectivity between the prefrontal cortex (area of the brain responsible for empathy development) and the amydgala (area of the brain that manages emotional regulation). Less gray matter is found though in individuals with NPD than in neurotypical individuals. Despite this, not every narcissistic individual meets the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.

Deep narcissistic wounds e.g neglect, overprotective attachment styles from a parent, abuse and bullying create the perfect combination of environmental factors for narcissism due to low self esteem and poor self image. Domineering parents who put their children down constantly can also breed narcissism. Personally I believe it takes a combination of both factors to create a narcissist, as many individuals who suffer from trauma in childhood are diagnosed with similar personality disorders/mood disorders. BPD and NPD appear very similar, but individuals with BPD are harmful to themselves rather than other people.
Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate it.
 
my narcisstic boyfriend broke up with me, my cat was killed and he made it about himself and how I’m not talking to him enough. He breaks up with me every month and I have to beg him not to but today I’ve had enough. I just want peace. Does anyone have any advice on how to build yourself esteem back up?
 
  • Angry
  • Heart
  • Sad
Reactions: 5
my narcisstic boyfriend broke up with me, my cat was killed and he made it about himself and how I’m not talking to him enough. He breaks up with me every month and I have to beg him not to but today I’ve had enough. I just want peace. Does anyone have any advice on how to build yourself esteem back up?
Cut ties with him.. don't be made to feel sorry for him. Get your freedom and life back.
Maybe try a self esteem course or spend time with your friends. Do the things you enjoy.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 3
Apologies if this sounds stupid but often when I hear about broken adult relationships (where the victim allows and stays with an abuser and their behaviour) I hear or know it's because of the victim's upbringing/childhood trauma being a factor as to why they allow that behaviour and that's what is commonly believed. But did anybody enter a relationship where usually they were a "take no tit" kinda person with decent up-bringing and an abuser eroded that?

I was having a discussion with a friend and disagreed with them because their view is that in all cases of abusive relationships in adulthood, the person had a bad childhood/childhood experiences along with low self esteem and other factors which made them allow or even gravitate to abusive people in their adult life... My view is that is certainly often the case, but it can also happen to any everyday person and anybody can end up being (unfortunately) in abusive situations and allowing them.

Admin please edit if any of my content seems inappropriate.
I agree 100%, not all abused adults had unhappy childhoods etc .
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2
Very similar to nature/nurture debate there's arguments for both

Narcissism is different to psychopathy/sociopathy where you can view reduced connectivity between the prefrontal cortex (area of the brain responsible for empathy development) and the amydgala (area of the brain that manages emotional regulation). Less gray matter is found though in individuals with NPD than in neurotypical individuals. Despite this, not every narcissistic individual meets the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.

Deep narcissistic wounds e.g neglect, overprotective attachment styles from a parent, abuse and bullying create the perfect combination of environmental factors for narcissism due to low self esteem and poor self image. Domineering parents who put their children down constantly can also breed narcissism. Personally I believe it takes a combination of both factors to create a narcissist, as many individuals who suffer from trauma in childhood are diagnosed with similar personality disorders/mood disorders. BPD and NPD appear very similar, but individuals with BPD are harmful to themselves rather than other people.
Do you think that Farrah Abraham is a narcissist..
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1
my narcisstic boyfriend broke up with me, my cat was killed and he made it about himself and how I’m not talking to him enough. He breaks up with me every month and I have to beg him not to but today I’ve had enough. I just want peace. Does anyone have any advice on how to build yourself esteem back up?
you should most definitely NOT be begging him not to dump you every month for a start, you should call his bluff, then he will beg YOU to take him back, and you should say no. seeing as we are in lockdown maybe read some self esteem articles on internet , and some information about signs of emotional abuse. im guessing you are quite young, there is better for you out there one day, you wouldn't be asking here if you were happy. good luck xx im very sorry about your poor cat, take some time to mourn your cat first, sod him x also over time your confidence will build when you are away from him x
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 2
Oh god YES
One more, what's your thoughts on Amber Portwood, she gives people with mental health issues a bad rap. I have bi polar2 and I have taken my medication solidly for over 14 years, even in pregnancy I came off all but one and took the lowest dose possible so I wouldn't go into darkness. It's a fight you have to fight every day but I fail to see how it can be used as an excuse for abusing weaker people.
 
One more, what's your thoughts on Amber Portwood, she gives people with mental health issues a bad rap. I have bi polar2 and I have taken my medication solidly for over 14 years, even in pregnancy I came off all but one and took the lowest dose possible so I wouldn't go into darkness. It's a fight you have to fight every day but I fail to see how it can be used as an excuse for abusing weaker people.
I think Amber has narcissist tendencies but I don't know if I'd call her a narcissist in terms of someone like Farrah. I think she had a really bad childhood and has PTSD as a result and I think Teen Mom and the lifestyle facilitates her bad behaviours so she doesn't face any real consequences to her actions. If she wasn't on the show she'd have been thrown in jail long ago. There are some behaviours that are narcissistic for sure, especially with Leah. She's more of a fun aunt to Leah than an actual mother but the role works perfectly for her cause she doesn't need to do any of the heavy lifting involved. She just shows up when the camera's are rolling and takes leah for manicures. But I think her need for a man isn't from a narcissist tendancy, just that she has low self esteem and needs it for validation.

I used to feel really sorry for Amber and I really wanted her to get her life together but she just jumps from relationship to relationship with little to no desire to change and she just never has to face the consequences of anything. I hope her ex finds someone like Kristina so at least her son can have some semblance of a mother figure. Amber should be kissing Kristina's feet imo.

At least when Catelynn was having issues and disappearing to therapy constantly it was to work on herself, and she did come back a stronger person and seems to be doing really well now. Amber just never changes.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1