Abuse cycles - childhood vs adulthood

[AnnaJ]

Apologies if this sounds stupid but often when I hear about broken adult relationships (where the victim allows and stays with an abuser and their behaviour) I hear or know it's because of the victim's upbringing/childhood trauma being a factor as to why they allow that behaviour and that's what is commonly believed. But did anybody enter a relationship where usually they were a "take no tit" kinda person with decent up-bringing and an abuser eroded that?

I was having a discussion with a friend and disagreed with them because their view is that in all cases of abusive relationships in adulthood, the person had a bad childhood/childhood experiences along with low self esteem and other factors which made them allow or even gravitate to abusive people in their adult life... My view is that is certainly often the case, but it can also happen to any everyday person and anybody can end up being (unfortunately) in abusive situations and allowing them.

Admin please edit if any of my content seems inappropriate.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

abusers can be very smart. They can be very manipulative. Slow & steady, they can essentially brainwash you.

 

[squarebutton]

I would agree with you, it isn’t always down to childhood.
Childhood 100% affects your adult life and everything about you (something my parents refuse to believe) so this will so often be a factor.
But a person who hasn’t been through a traumatic childhood of some kind could still fall into this trap I believe. Other people can be very manipulative and clever and will pray on any small insecurity you have.

 

[KateESJ]

It isn't always down to childhood.

For me I think it was a factor for sure. I was severly abused in many ways as a child and I didn't even notice that my husband was being abusive to me until afterwards when I looked back at the things he did. I definitely justified everything he did in his mind because some of the things he did were very normal in my childhood and the household I was bought up in.

Childhood is a factor for a lot of people but like the previous posters said, abusers are very manipulative and can manipulate anyone into thinking the behaviour is normal and appropriate.

 

[chocolate choux]

Yeah I agree with @Begborrowsteal , some abusers can drag almost anyone down, they might even enjoy the ‘thrill of the chase’ sort of thing which comes with trying to get a normally strong person under their spell

I do feel like an abusive/neglectful childhood often makes someone extremely vulnerable to abuse as an adult due to how their mindset has been established. It’s very difficult to undo the damage done, and to resist someone’s attempts to abuse you (as that feels like a natural dynamic). This was my experience

Also I think that few people have a perfect upbringing or mindset. Even if you had a good childhood and are mentally healthy, there are likely to be chinks in your armour which abusers will use to gain dominance over you. Something like small confidence issues or ‘failings’ can be used as ammunition, things that you might be able to brush off normally but start to feel like a big deal when someone else is using them against you

I think it takes an extremely strong person to not fall under the control of some abusers

 

[Bellaboo83]

Ive been looking into this a lot and it has a lot to do with your attachment style (which was predetermined by your early years relationship with your primary caregivers). If you have a secure attachment style you have boundaries and are self secure and will react to red flags by saying this isn't right for me and end the relationship quickly. An person with insecure or avoidant attachment styles are more likely to ignore red flags because of self esteem & abandonment issues and will stay and put up with 'bad behaviour' and toxic relationships. It's obviously more complicated than that but worth looking into if you're interested in that kind of thing

 

[Italy2]

I agree with everything said above but I would also like to add that sometimes some kids can have the perfect childhood and come from very healthy happy families but still turn out to be troubled individuals and allow themselves to be manipulated or be abused. It can happen to anyone..

I strongly believe that if someone cheats on you then it's because they want to cheat and there is nothing that the person who has been cheated has done wrong. I think it's similar for the abusers as well because abusers can be very clever, manipulative and controlling. If someone wants to abuse someone then they will find a way and obviously it depends on the person who is being abused on how to deal with it depending on lots of factors such as their upbringing, personality, circumstances in life etc.

Sometimes your upbringing and personality can help you spot the abuse and escape but it doesn't always happen. If someone wants to abuse someone, they will find a way and do it

 

[Londonsays]

I came from a very troubled home, Mum was a drug user (the worst kind of addict) and I went to my Dads at the weekend and my step Mum very openly made it misery for me. I haven’t really spoke to my Dad in 17 years (no fall out just no effort made on his part and I decided I felt better not making the effort) and although I’m close to my Mum, we have had breaks from each other (sometimes distance can be healthy for the relationship to be the best it can and I accept this).

Lots of bits to my story but I won’t over share but I was very lucky that I have come out of this relatively unscathed, I have no resentment, no anxiety, no jealousy, no abandonment issues and it’s given me a real appetite for helping and supporting others and I have a key worker role at work.

I accept people are what they are and you can’t change people. I think that’s why I don’t have any anger towards my parents and I don’t feel a victim.

 

[Italy2]

I came from a very troubled home, Mum was a drug user (the worst kind of addict) and I went to my Dads at the weekend and my step Mum very openly made it misery for me. I haven’t really spoke to my Dad in 17 years (no fall out just no effort made on his part and I decided I felt better not making the effort) and although I’m close to my Mum, we have had breaks from each other (sometimes distance can be healthy for the relationship to be the best it can and I accept this).

Lots of bits to my story but I won’t over share but I was very lucky that I have come out of this relatively unscathed, I have no resentment, no anxiety, no jealousy, no abandonment issues and it’s given me a real appetite for helping and supporting others and I have a key worker role at work.

I accept people are what they are and you can’t change people. I think that’s why I don’t have any anger towards my parents and I don’t feel a victim.

I'm so sorry to hear and hope you are doing well now..

 

[Compassionately_judging]

I am one of 4 siblings , my mother was ( still is) an abusive, manipulative, negative, awful alcohol. She treated us all differently and played us off against each other but we have all turned out differently.

We are very close luckily and just deal with her. 3 of us are very short tempered like her but not abusive. A different 3 of us dont want children we are so traumatised, 3 of us have good jobs but the other will always live by hobbles and benefits. One of us is also an alcoholic but has a really good job.
I suffer with terrible anxiety and my nerves and over thinking are awful. The other 3 are outgoing and confident .

The 4 of us are very very positive, happy funny people.

It definitely depends how you decide to look at life in the end. We put up with her but turn to each other for support and filter it out of our own day to day.


I do worry constantly that I may become emotionally abusive to my OH because sometimes I am negative or angry, or too sharp with my words and hes so calm and easy going. I would never ever tolerate any form of abuse again. So it affects all ways.

 

[AnnaJ]

Thanks all for your input.

Sorry to hear some of you had some awful childhoods or relationships, I'm glad to hear that you're out of those toxic situations now and doing better for yourselves.

I agree that nine times out of ten childhood issues are a huge factor in this, but abuse can happen to anybody because abusers can be very manipulative and clever unfortunately.

I'm glad we're in a world now where we can all be more open about these things and get better help. 🤍

 

[Italy2]

My parents had a very abusive relationship where my dad was abusive to my mum. I have never been able to speak about it nevermind share it with anyone. I struggle everyday to put it past me and be a good person and move on with my life but it's so hard. You never forget anything and it stays with you forever. Anyway it has affected all of my siblings and each one of us has dealt with this differently. We all try to support each other and my mum because we know what we have been through.

It's the first time I have ever spoken to anyone about it in 6 years. I still feel so ashamed about it even though it's not my fault. Anyway I'll stop now because I don't want to bore anyone.

 

[Londonsays]

My parents had a very abusive relationship where my dad was abusive to my mum. I have never been able to speak about it nevermind share it with anyone. I struggle everyday to put it past me and be a good person and move on with my life but it's so hard. You never forget anything and it stays with you forever. Anyway it has affected all of my siblings and each one of us has dealt with this differently. We all try to support each other and my mum because we know what we have been through.

It's the first time I have ever spoken to anyone about it in 6 years. I still feel so ashamed about it even though it's not my fault. Anyway I'll stop now because I don't want to bore anyone.

You are most certainly not being a bore and sending you lots of love and positive vibes for talking about it today.

 

[tskiry56]

I come from a loving home with 2 older siblings and a twin my parents are happily married and have been married for 40 years.
But I ended up in an abusive relationship... I would never blame my parents for it.
I never had a lot of confidence growing up but I'm not really sure why I ended up being with an abuser.
I went to counselling and that's one thing they explored of trauma etc in your past and I would never say I witnessed any etc.
One of the only things I can think of for me not having a lot of confidence was in my teenage years when my driving instructor told me I'd never pass.
I guess I was naive to my ex it was my first serious relationship and I was quite a caring person and he took advantage of that.
I for one am glad after 4 years of abuse I found the courage to leave.
I only hope the lasting impact on my son is minimal as he has limited contact with him. Although he had play therapy and still talks about the events he witnessed.
We are now in a loving home so hopefully it will not have that impact on him.
I wanted a negative to come out of what happened to me so I write a blog https://unbeatenmystory.wordpress.com/

 

[Londoncailín]

Apologies if this sounds stupid but often when I hear about broken adult relationships (where the victim allows and stays with an abuser and their behaviour) I hear or know it's because of the victim's upbringing/childhood trauma being a factor as to why they allow that behaviour and that's what is commonly believed. But did anybody enter a relationship where usually they were a "take no tit" kinda person with decent up-bringing and an abuser eroded that?

I was having a discussion with a friend and disagreed with them because their view is that in all cases of abusive relationships in adulthood, the person had a bad childhood/childhood experiences along with low self esteem and other factors which made them allow or even gravitate to abusive people in their adult life... My view is that is certainly often the case, but it can also happen to any everyday person and anybody can end up being (unfortunately) in abusive situations and allowing them.

Admin please edit if any of my content seems inappropriate.

I have always been a very strong, take no tit kind of woman. Very independent, single mum. Fought for everything I have. Pretty regular childhood. No major trauma. About 18 months ago, I came out of a truly coercive and controlling relationship, which lasted about three years. The emotional abuse and controlling/coercive behaviour was very subtle on my partners side. It was never violent, confrontational or aggressive, but it was so damaging. He came from a very well to do family. Domestic abuse has no ‘type’. It can happen to anyone.

 

[Italy2]

You are most certainly not being a bore and sending you lots of love and positive vibes for talking about it today.

Thank you, very kind of you. I try so hard everyday to be a good person! But the abusive relationship always impacts the kids, always!

 

[tskiry56]

Don't ever think your the reason for your dad's behaviour. You was a child he was an adult who clearly knew what he was doing.
Have you ever tried counselling... I know its further down the line but it may help you all.
Well done for your mum for leaving especially with young children.

My parents had a very abusive relationship where my dad was abusive to my mum. I have never been able to speak about it nevermind share it with anyone. I struggle everyday to put it past me and be a good person and move on with my life but it's so hard. You never forget anything and it stays with you forever. Anyway it has affected all of my siblings and each one of us has dealt with this differently. We all try to support each other and my mum because we know what we have been through.

It's the first time I have ever spoken to anyone about it in 6 years. I still feel so ashamed about it even though it's not my fault. Anyway I'll stop now because I don't want to bore anyone.

I

 

[Italy2]

Don't ever think your the reason for your dad's behaviour. You was a child he was an adult who clearly knew what he was doing.
Have you ever tried counselling... I know its further down the line but it may help you all.
Well done for your mum for leaving especially with young children.

I

Thank you for your kind words. Yes I plan to have counseling one day when I can save up for it lol. I think children don't know how to deal with those circumstances and therefore, can never come to peace with it because they have never really accepted the scenarios and put a closure on them.

 

[tskiry56]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes I plan to have counseling one day when I can save up for it lol. I think children don't know how to deal with those circumstances and therefore, can never come to peace with it because they have never really accepted the scenarios and put a closure on them.

I paid for private counselling a few years ago ( but stopped as I couldn't really justify the cost at the time but then last year I let the pressure of everything that happened to me get to me) I went to the doctors and they put me on a waiting list for counselling(CBT) It really helped me find ways to not blame myself and taught me coping mechanisms.

 

[Italy2]

I paid for private counselling a few years ago ( but stopped as I couldn't really justify the cost at the time but then last year I let the pressure of everything that happened to me get to me) I went to the doctors and they put me on a waiting list for counselling(CBT) It really helped me find ways to not blame myself and taught me coping mechanisms.

Thank you. I'll look into it. I know the society is more aware now and accepting but I still feel really nervous of telling someone that I would like to go for counseling. I try and act normal everyday and that's why I don't think anyone thinks that I would want or need counselling. Did you tell anyone that you are going for counseling? How was the reaction? I understand that I don't have to tell anyone and it doesn't matter what people think but I'm just wondering what would be the reaction