siobh.ohagan : Most liked Posts

Fresh Bitch of Con-Air

Now this is a story all about how,
Shivs plans got twisted upside down,
And I’d like to take a minute so just sit right there,
I’ll tell tattle how she became a lying cunt with red hair.

In busy Swords she was born and raised,
9-5 was how she spent most of her days,
Flying home for Christmas for drink with the fam,
But in an air B&B in case she had some wham bam!

When a popular virus was up to no good,
Started getting infectious in the neighbourhood,
One positive antigen and Shiv got scared,
She said ‘I can’t fly home to Bali I’m just not going to declare!’

She whistled for a free Beamer and when it came near,
She thought for a second - ‘maybe Randox will be clear’,
I’ll pack my bag , get ready and I’ll plan to fly,
And if I come back Pozzy then to Twitter I’ll cry.

She, pulled, up to an Air B&B , several hours later,
She yelled to Raisin ‘quick fly home, smell me later’
If anything she would act as if she was clear,
She thought ‘just forget it, I’ll bend twitters ear!’

This ends the tale of all about how,
We now know all about the covid positive ghoul,
She tried her best to test neg, in a Beamer she begged,
She’s even made herself look worse than Sinead Heg!

The Fresh Bitch of Con-Air

Dear Diary

This week was a funny one,
I got a lot of hate,
That one troll is so obsessed with me,
I wish they’d find a mate.

first on the list was a flying visit,
From my bestest pal Sinead,
She claims to be a business boss,
But for her flights I paid.

I tried James’ gym, I tried his bar,
I even read his books,
I just dont know why he won’t shag me,
I’m an athlete with good looks.

I sat through painful lunches with Fliss,
I thought she was my angle in,
Through Diren to James via that friends group,
But in reality she’s just very dim.

Diren popped by when Sinead was over,
To record a podcast for his tribe.
Everything we said and spoke about,
Was an absolute London vibe.

Poor Sinead, she hasn’t a clue,
I correct her on most things,
I got 500 points you see,
And all she does is sell rings.

Still no sign of James this week,
I was thirsty on his posts,
I wonder does he realise,
I’m the girl that suits him the most!

I got my first vaccine this week,
That one troll seemed pretty cross,
But I helped out charities in Bali once
Whilst being an absolute girl boss.

I decided not to talk online,
About the post vaccine pains,
Some homeless and refugees in the queue,
Coughed out loud- they should be ashamed?

Wine by day and beer by night,
Yoga mats and morning eggs,
My daily routine got a little busier,
When I was visited by Begs.

I did try to convince Sinead
That life without Jack out be fine,
I told her she did not need a man
To live a happy single life like mine

she said ‘siobhan you stupid cunt,
You’ve been gagging for a ride’,
‘Maybe I have’, I replied to her
‘But I’m not sure do I bat for the other side.

My once smooth vag is growing back,
My time is closing in,
No man or James has had the pleasure,
In the cave of red hot sin.

I might open spaces up today,
The demand is oh so great,
I’m all about that balance,
And never obsessive with weight.

The summer is passing,
And although I’ve done a load,
Nothing beats surprising dad,
And eating Mams Rocky road.

so someday soon,I’ll ‘go offline’
And to first flight class I go,
I couldn’t fly with common folk,
I considered it - but NO.

Until next time, or until next thread,
I bid you all farewell,
Will I shag James, will I shag Sinead,
Only time will tell xxx

Dear Diary,

I don’t quite know how it happened but I manifested the break up of Sinead and Jack.

Sinead and Jack < Sinead and Siobhan.

I’ve written a little poetic diary insert for my trolls x

Alarm goes off at six am,
And out of bed I jump.
Self help books and yoga too,
But my yoga face is a grump.

I scan the socials,
What is James up to today?
It’s almost been a month now
And he’s always far away

I’ve tried his gym, I’ve tried his pub,
I’ve even met his besties,
My smooth waxed vag is prim and primed,
For his sweaty golden testes

I’ve even bought a Gucci bag,
I thought I would look classy,
And Fliss has even gave me tips
On how to act more sassy

Calories weight different here,
A dominos is the same as an Apple,
I comfort ate dominos after BJJ
When James didn’t show up to grapple.

Jack has told Sinead to fuck off,
I think that I know why,
It’s probably cos she doesn’t have a degree,
But I won’t say that because she’ll cry.

I went to an English soccer match,
And I couldn’t help but cheer,
When England scored & the crowd went mad,
I felt Michael Collins jeer

I might head today, up London Town
And walk in for a Pfizer,
I think I heard JS say once
‘If a girl was vaxxed I’d ride her’

Initially I thought he said,
‘Waxed’ not ‘vaxxed’ you see,
And that is why I sit here now,
With a silky smooth but sweaty gee.

I might open furnace spaces today,
The demand has been quite high,
Swipe up if you’re interested,
And hand over your 79

I must go now and wake Sinead,
I must remind her to stay single,
You then don’t have to share,
Your dominos, eggs or Pringles.

I miss my family back home,
I promise it’s not lies,
Now how could I manage a sneaky flight home,
And a shocking front door surprise

I’ll sign off now, I’ve work to do
And I’m most productive before nine
I’m lucky that I live so differently
And that all my work is online

Xxx

Dear Diary,
It’s been a busy week. Buckle Up Bitches xx

This week was a busy one,
I got so much stuff done,
I moaned and groaned when I walked in the rain,
A ginge like me needs sun.

Let’s start at the start,
To go through the last few days-
I’m still binge eating junk,
And still insta stalking James

I heard he likes the girly girls,
So I got my fanny plucked,
I also heard he likes fit girls,
But boxing had me fucked

Then I heard another thing,
That he likes girls who are vain,
So I went off to Harrods for lunch,
And insta-d my champagne.

I opened a few furnace spots,
To distract my mind from James,
A ten out of ten excel review,
Every review reads the same

I ate a lot of crap this week,
That was not the plan,
But dominos messed my order up,
And ‘free’ pizza trumps any man.

I even bought an almond croissant,
I thought ‘this will do the trick’,
Again I failed -and I was ghosted,
James just give me your dick

Another day, another meal,
This time Camille messed up my dish,
I happily sat and ate my food,
Sweaty and smelling of fish

With all those failings building up,
And James not taking the hint,
I tried again with Diren & Fliss,
But third wheeling has me skint

I cannot wait until the day,
That nightclubs open here,
I’ll tell everyone I worked in a club,
Even though that was yester-year! 🥱

I met 50 Cent, And Ronan Keating,
I even met Ann Doyle,
Corporate by day, mad bastard by night,
And acting like I’m Royal

I am thinking of going to Ireland soon,
I miss my people there,
It is not (just) because I want,
Freebies for hair and skincare.

That ghastly love island started again,
Who cares about a strangers love life?
Thank God I hate it, it’s not for me,
Please James, just make me your wife

Twice this week I told a few lies,
On insta when sharing some links.
Book links were affiliate- yet nobody guessed,
And I’m only an ‘Medium’ when I shrink!!

There isn’t much to do in London,
I’ve tried all the pizzas here now,
A dominos here is different to home,
It’s only 100 Calories somehow!

McDonalds for breakfast, ice cream for lunch,
Balance for me is what works-
Maybe that’s why strange men ask me out,
But it’s only for James that I lurk.

So here is the problem, I’ve had one vaccine-
Number 2 is due in a month,
If I flew home now and sneaked in a Jansen,
Would that one troll call me a cunt ???


Xxxxx Shiv-B-Yates

Dear Diary

Time is coming closer now,
The month of august has just hit,
By the time this month is out,
I’ll sure have rode James Smith!

July was a busy one,
There was no time left to shower!
After BJJ & dominos,
I’m only left with 22 hours!!

my family got such a shock-
One random Saturday morning,
When I arrived and surprised the house,
Without a word of warning!

‘Siobhan’ they said: ‘this is such a surprise,
You shock us every quarter,
It’s getting old now though - so cop the fuck on,
We are scarlet for our own daughter’

A few more weeks to IFS,
James will succumb to my advances!
I threw the leg over him in Bali once,
But he said my vag was rancid!

Waxed and vaxed and showered this time,
He will surely dip his wick !
London has cost me a fortune now,
It is expensive to be chasing dick!

The furnace is doing really well,
More happy excel sheets this week!
I love putting formulas into excel,
Did I ever mention I was a maths geek?

That one troll that always follows my life,
Seems to be getting more & more bitter,
But I was able to discreetly argue with them,
Because nobody guessed I was NICCA!

I’m really loving life in London,
BJJ, almond croissants and wine,
A troll said I had an alcohol problem
And like Ross from friends said - I’M FINE

I’m missing Bali, Im missing Dublin,
I’m also missing lots of common sense,
This binge and restrict lifestyle I follow,
Is actually pretty fucking dense !

My birthday is coming, and IFS looming,
So many opportunities to drink!
Some people say morning bubbles is wrong,
But it’s ok after 7am I think!

Ill leave you with some coffee thoughts,
I’ve had some real profound thoughts of late.
If James ignores me at IFS-
Will I look like Shivvy no mates?

So I’ll continue to befriend Fliss, she is my link in,
She says Sex with Diren is like being in heaven,
But when I asked Diren what was the story,
He said she’s is just knees up 24-7 !

I have to go now, it’s nearly 8 o clock at night,
I have so much to do in the morning!
I must report Sven for trolling this week,
And ensure he gets an Instagram warning!

Im back working with brands, I’m so good with ads,
I’m An athlete, who tans and paints nails,
Follow me here and use all my codes,
And you too will be attractive to all males!

I missed Bali a lot this week, I miss Dublin,
I miss all my homes.
But someone as well travelled & educated like me,
Truly only misses chicken fillet rolls xxx

Xxxxx

Dear Diary
Living Differently in a Pandemic

A few weeks ago,
I got a brainwave when eating,
To pop on a plane,
But that one troll was seething.

I arrived in Portugal,
To surprise my only sister,
She was turning 30,
And I really had missed her.

Some troll on my YouTube,
Created over 400 profiles,
To give me a thumbs down,
Because first class I did fly.

Portugal was great,
We had lots of nights out,
Despite restricts of covid,
Every rule I did flout.

I estimated calories,
To stay right on track,
And my shoes started smelling,
As my grandmother feet turned black.

I got sick of Portugal,
With the lack of fruit and veg,
I dropped hints to Leanne,
But she didn’t pick up on my beg.

James and Diren are back in London,
So I made my way here,
In preparation I have:
A hair free smooth rear.

I don’t like Fliss,
But she’s my way into the gang,
If I meet James at BJJ,
I’ll shift him with my fangs.

As coincidence would have it,
I’m missing my mother
By the time I fly home
I’ll qualify for one vaccine or another

I bought a Gucci bag,
It’s just for the grid,
What the sheep don’t know,
Is I’ll flog it for a few quid.

London is expensive,
And nobody knows me?
Even with my new bag
And my new shiny gee

its almost time again
For Mams Rocky road
But I can’t live at home
When I’m in binge mode

The furnace is flying
Lots of happy excel sheets
Spaces are limited
But Swipe up for the deets

I must sign off now
I’ve a dominos on the way
I have to reward myself
After all the BJJ

James still hasn’t noticed
That I’m nearer than ever
I wonder does he know
I got 500 points and I’m clever ?

OHDE to Cr-OH-atia

Left my london flat in slime and grime,
For a few days in Croatia,
The stupid airline lost my bag,
I said “I do BJJ, I will BATE ya”


A few sunny days spent in the sun,
And waking up at five,
Ten thousand steps and coffee thoughts,
What a time to be alive!

I needed some bikini snaps,
For some thirst pics don’t you see,
IFS is coming soon,
And James Smith needs to notice me.

I’ve waxed my vag, I joined BJJ,
I even moved to London,
Still celibate months down the line,
Im confused by this conundrum.

IFS coming up in a week,
And here I was with no tan,
So off to Croatia for 4 days,
So that bronzed me can get a man.



Did I mention that it will be my birthday too?
James with surely get me a cake?
I might just mention it a few more times,
If he loved me he would surely bake?


The only thing that concerns me,
About the upcoming romance with James,
Is that he wants to have a good few kids,
But my ovaries do not think the same.


Diren has started to avoid me too,
And Fliss wont tag me on stories,
I can eat 3 dominos by myself,
And they wont even give me the glory.


In September I am going home,
For a quick trip back to Swords,
I might still surprise them in August though-
And show up in Myprotein co-ords!


Mam will bake her rocky road,
And Dad will get out the whiskey,
And then ill go and scan my tinder,
And hit town when Im feeling friskey.


I might go back to Portugal too,
And surprise my sister Rois,
Her partner is such a gas man,
He jokingly calls me THAT DOSE.


Then I think its time for me,
To return to my favourite place,
Back to Bali for two euro eggs,
And pick at my spotty red face.


Living differently is better you see,
You can change your plans any day,
Im so grateful that I gave up corporate,
For a life of living this way.


Before I sign off, not sure if I said-
I got 500 points in my leaving?
Because I do not work nine to five,
My intelligance can be deceiving.


I assure you that I am really intelligent,
You can call me an act-u-ar-y,
Those poor people in Bali with no leaving cert,
Have to work in a fact-ory.


I have to go now, its 9.30am,
I have breakfast plans with some random friend,
Ill have champers for brunch and wine with my dinner,
And with pizza the day always ends



xxxxxxx

I messaged her. I think that means I’ve broken tattle rules but I honestly don’t care anymore

Happy Birthday T-OH me x
Surprise poem for my tattlers xoxox


Not sure if I mentioned,
It’s my birthday here today.
The second day of IFS,
The big boys are here to play.

Yesterday I was hot and bothered,
James was within my reach!
At his talk when he yelled ‘Calorie deficit’
I threw my knickers off and roared ‘PREACH’

He’s playing it down here this weekend,
Pretending we won’t end up in bed.
He lets Other females flirt with him,
But that’s just for show he said!

Sinead is still with that lazy lump,
That country boy called Jack,
I try to sit between those two,
I assure you I’m a lot more craic!

A million happy birthday tags,
And I reshare every single one,
I’m such great craic, single and carefree,
Can you see I’m having so much FUN

I think tonight because it’s my birthday,
I’ll have a rare pizza or take away,
I may even have some alcohol,
Although it is definitely not sat-ur-day.

I don’t binge drink or eat you see,
I’m controlled and I don’t restrict,
But if the weighing scales lies to me,
I’ll smash and burn that bitch.

IFS was a weekend of fun,
Of online PTs & girls with abs.
James spoke to one hundred and eighty one girls,
I know this as I kept tabs.

Diren gave his usual talk,
About how differently his program works.
And if you call him out on it,
He’ll shout ‘racism’ and pretend he’s a Turk.

Cory came to IFS,
To finally meet me in the flesh.
I said hello and posed for a pic,
But I was only there for the sesh!

Not sure if I mentioned yet,
But I’m thirty three today.
Please don’t ask if I want kids,
Because NO is what I’ll say.

Next weekend I’m off home to Ireland,
To drink bubbles with the fam,
Mams rocky road and dads whiskey,
And my skin will be like corned beef ham.

So many freebies at home to grab,
Hair, beauty, tan and clothes!
Say thanks and upload an insta pic,
And onto de-pop they all go.

I’m signing off now, this poem is short,
It’s my birthday night out you see,
I have to go get pissed and flirt,
And make use of this hair free gee.

I can’t believe that this weekend,
I headlined at IFS,
Although anything James asks of me,
My answer will always be YES.

I’ll let you in on a little secret,
As I sign off as ginger sweaty me,
Today is actually my birthday,
And I’m after turning thirty three

Xxxxxx

Dear Diary

I really don’t care about what the scales say even though the scales are a lying bitch to me today because I’m happy in my skin here in my home in Bali , Wexford, Swords, Croke Park, Thailand, Portugal.
My travel was essential because my sisters birthday was coming up and I decided to email the embassy to tell them about the furnace, they thought I was calling my sister the furnace when they saw a picture of her. Anyway because I’m so kind and intelligent from all the books I’ve been highlighting so many people want to join the waiting list on the furnace each week. In my leaving cert maths (I did honours, and got 500 points) I learnt that in business , supply + demand =€€.
Now I put that formula into an excel sheet and it equals 10/10 for all furnace participants. They all say they loved the course and that they are now more mindful after the 3 months. I teach them how to enjoy food without feeling the guilt (and I am definitely not guilty over the 7763 calories pizza I had yesterday, but I did run 100km this morning in the heat), how exercise is to enjoy movement and not to run off a bad diet (but if it were, running and CrossFit for 30 minutes blacks out say, oh I don’t know a cinnamon bun for example). My brother also came to Portugal as it was essential that we were all here for my sisters birthday. I explained to the Polizia at the airport that without Mams Rocky Road, Roisins birthday would be < a birthday WITH Mams Rocky Road.
I’m thinking about going to London totally just a thought not related to what anyone else is doing or anyone else that might be over there but I AM looking for an apartment near a BJJ Gym and near my friend Fliss because she is the part time/pro rata girlfriend of Diren, and Diren is besties with James and I have a horn in my my protein shorts for James.
Some coffee thoughts before I sign off:

I haven’t researched a lot about the vaccine. But I did physics for my leaving cert and got an A so I don’t need to.

That one troll harassing and stalking me for years left over 400 thumbs down on my YouTube video. I wish them happiness.

I wish people would stop mentioning the fact that Sinead doesn’t have a degree.

Thread Title Suggestion: Dubai Darragh just wanted somebody to finger, now he’s on the run from a stage-5 clinger

OH-DE TO H-OH-LIDAYS

Hello there tattle or should I say
"Boujour to one and all"
I'm greeting you from France today,
With my family having a ball.

Life is very different here,
Doing yoga - I was up at five,
Then I went for morning steps,
And some coffee to feel alive.

Such a different morning routine,
Than if I was still in Swords,
Its because I have no kids you see,
And no silly toddlers to reward.

As I mentioned kids there now,
it reminds me of Ireland today,
The leaving cert results are out-
I got 500 points by the way!

Now this was fifteen years ago,
But every autumn I bring it up,
honours maths and honours french,
Plenty vodka did I also sup:

The day that the results came out,
I went on the sesh - so much has changed!
I wanted to be an actuary
But I now realise I was deranged

I flew my family to south africa once,
I'm not sure if I mentioned?
My family all joke and laugh
And say holidays with me are like detention.

They refuse to book a hol with me,
they say I am a pain in the absolute hole,
So then I go and book all the tickets,
I wonder could one of them be my troll???

I did it again for Christmas last year
Bought us all tickets to France,
The lockdown cannot keep me away,
from the airport lounge in tight MP pants!

So here I am outside a cafe,
Reading a very intelligent book,
Waiting for my family to wake and then,
Around the touristy places we will look!

My brother Cian has brought his Mrs,
I feel sorry that she works 9-5,
she doesn't realise that her life is over,
Look I will at least teach her to jive.

Seriously though, she works 9 to 5,
What a miserable way to pass time,
I work the mornings from 5 to 9,
And then I nap in my own slime and grime!

My sister Raisin has made the trip too,
Well she had no choice as I booked her in,
I asked her to remember the Factor 50,
But she said its long gone in the bin!

I have to go tattlers, My parents are here,
They are mad to go for some grub,
I already had eggs, and toast and a croissant,
But I AM part of the "two breakfasts club"

Before this short holiday, it was my birthday,
If you remember I was at IFS ?
A long time ago I was just in the audience,
And this year I really progressed!

I was on a panel, with some other PTs
And advice on mental health I gave,
"Give up 9-5 and eat what you want,
and your grandad wont turn in his grave!"

It was my birthday too, the day of the event,
But James said "I'll not make a public fuss"
So instead of a cake, and instead of balloons,
I got nothing so nobody would suss.

"Suss what ?" you say "you are not with James"
Well listen, you think what you like.
Fliss has advised me, no public affection,
"Don't let anyone know you're his bike!"

Before I sign off, or bid you "au revoir"
I must update you on my BJJ,
In my last London class, I face planked my ass,
And with James and Diren I fore-played!

Hot girl summer is over - hot autumn is here,
And Bali has me for winter and spring,
GoJek and Dominos', cheap food deliveries,
I hope Bali belly wont burn my ring!

Time to sign off, the whole crew are up,
It's time to spend time with my fam,
They'll buy me plenty food and drink,
As I invent another bank card scam!

AU-REVOIR BITCHES xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Diary,
Hectic couple of weeks. We are settling into the new villa. The natives are still waking me up with that ridiculous racket at the same hour of the morning that I’d be getting up anyway, and I am still showing my ignorance by complaining about it.
Sinead is annoying the shite out of me. People in relationships are so weak! Blah, blah, blah... babies, love... why can’t people just Shiv differently like me?!
Well Diary, I have my cotton-eye on someone! He’s hung like a tube of salt and vinegar Pringles! I can’t tell you who cos I don’t do relationships and a one night stand isn’t a good look on my stories. Sitting on people during BJJ has given me the absolute horn!
That one I have to pretend to like has launched a book called “Pain in the Hole Nicole”. Why did I go and tell her she had potential? Have I learned nothing from Begster?
Went to the bookstore and I cannot believe there is still a fiction section Why would anyone want to read a story when they can manifest takeaways (with their best pal for whom they have the serious green eye) and have the chats about whether their blue personality type suits the other one’s yellow. I love being informed and educating people.
Not sure about the vaccine still... hoping for a collab with Pfizer and I’m going to start tagging them in my stories next week
The outpouring of sympathy for my numerous mishaps of personal theft didn’t quite generate the traction I was hoping for. Might have to fly economy this time
By the way Diary... did ya hear that I’m sexy now?
Looking forward to catching up for more LOLs and YOLOs soon.
Oh PS I found this amazing new show called “Line of Duty”. It’s absolutely class ... no one had ever heard of it, and since I started featuring it on my stories now I have everyone watching it! Well, writing this much down has burned at least 600 cals so I’m off for a Cinnabon bun and a wheelbarrow of Tipsy Gingers (if you know you know!!).
Love ya Diary,
Shivs x

Thread Title Suggestion: “Spreading Covid from a rented beemer, no-one is safe from Shiv the Redeemer”

New thread title:

SOH #23: The ghost of fitness past

March 22nd, 2024

“Oh Dublin It’s been a BLAST. The perfect starting point for this next journey but it’s time to move onto my next chapter (and to the sun ) I don’t know how I survived the winter of 2023. Thanks to everyone who made my time visiting Ireland so special, sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye it’s been a crazy year Now onto Portugal for a pitstop (and drop off some baggage) then back to my second home Bali #NewAdventure #Virgin #SoloTravel #LightenTheLoad”

I don't want to tell people what they can and can't say on here since it's against the rules but since the baby could come any day now and we might get to see the poor child on Shiv's insta can we all agree now before the birth, not to turn this thread into mumsnet? Can we keep it about our favourite swamp creature and not about what's the best way to put a baby to sleep, what each user did when they had babies with full paragraphs summarising their first 28 months of motherhood etc? I get mentioning a personal experience for reference/comparison but anything above 3 lines of text and no one really needs to hear it.

I wanted to mention it now before someone even goes on a rant about their experience so no one will take this message personally but I really love this thread and I'd hate to see it turn into a boring "my motherhood experience " place when there's plenty to talk about with this ginger beast.

I'm done with my TedTalk

Bringing the family to the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix : €5,000

2 late nite G&Ts with a lad you met earlier that day on Fumble: €60

Getting knocked up by him later that nite: Priceless

Here's a little poem to break the ice
To hopefully give the thread back it's spice

Our tipsy ginger has birthed a girl
Baby Cadhla is her and Big Ned's world

To paraphrase a song by Denise Chaila
It's not pronounced Kay-la, but rather Ky-la

Some of us are loving it, some of us are hatin',
But don't pronounce it wrong or Michael Collins will be waitin'

Siobhán stomped her way out of the rotunda,
And headed straight for the champers - why wouldn't ya!?

9 months off it has taught Siobh fuck all
As she horses into goats cheese, raw fish and alcohol

How long until she gets a margarita
And no I'm not talking about the pizza

How will motherhood go, we wait with angst
But for the love of God, WE'RE ALL JUST HERE FOR THE BANTS!!!!

Hello! I am new here but felt compelled to join after her morning coffee thoughts this morning - I messaged her very politely to let her know that her blatant disregard for covid regulations/ advice has hit a new low with the walk-in vaccination centre comments this morning. I stated how they are for the homeless/vulnerable and undocumented migrants etc not for her and wifey (vom - grow up) so they have themselves a hot girl summer (eye roll) she wrote back (almost instantly as well - thought you don't check your DMs Siobhan?) telling me that I have no bearing on how she chooses to live her life and blocked me heartbroken! As a Londoner who has endured almost two years of lockdowns and restrictions, to see her and her instahun ways swan in and take the piss is TOO MUCH. Fuck her, fuck her shitty business and fuck her shitty life.