Australia’s first, best, tallest, biggest footed, worst kneed and most authentic athletic lesbian CEO mummy blogger
Name
• Born Sophie Shaw
• FKA The Young Mummy
• Liked to call herself Sophie Jane Shaw before realising this was never actually on her birth certificate
• Kept her married name Cachia (which she pronounces KAY-SHA) and in general, but has gone back to Shaw on Insta
• Announced she was 'reclaiming her name' in Stellar magazine... whatever that means?
We think Sophie Not Sure is a safe option.
Tattle nicknames
• Chompers
• Scummy
• Young Scummy
• Australia’s/ world’s first and best lesbian
• Slop/Sloppy
• Smoph
• Soph Smurf
• Durry queen of Tullamarine
• Ronald McDonald
Born
11 September 1990
(How dare this day become a memorial for a terrorist act and take the spotlight away from our birthday girl!?)
However she was 22 when her son Bobby was born on 25 April 2014, so she could've been born in 1991. And she thinks that they will turn 18 and 40 in the same year, so she could've been born in 1992. But she looks 55, so she could've been born in 1968.
Lives
Melbourne
Her house is an overcapitalised, poorly renovated mausoleum right off the Tulla freeway, which as of Jul/Aug 2023 is home to a gigantic poster of her ‘toxic’ ex
Personality traits
• Self-proclaimed legend
• Self-proclaimed selfless and loving human
• Self-proclaimed pussy whisperer
• Self-proclaimed favourite daughter
• Self-proclaimed would be Australian Diamond
• Self-proclaimed best mother ever
• Self-proclaimed best co-parent ex-wife ever
• Self-proclaimed frail girl
• Self-proclaimed entrepreneur
• Unrivalled ability to morph into her current love interest - clothes, interests, friends, diet etc.
• Ultimate toxic 'pick me' girl
• Aisuru blue
Records
• First and best at everything
• First lesbian CEO
• Most incorrect uses of 's
• Most Blondie with a Buns (BWABs) dated in quick succession
• Most trips planned but never happened
• Most trips attended but came home early
• Most asthma attacks filmed to raise 'awareness' without actually seeking help (or prevention)
• Most yawns in a non-live video
• Most breakup videos and passive aggressive posts and replies
• Most deep and intense conversations that never happened
• Most earth-shattering, mind-blowing and emotionally freeing orgasms
• Best player on the Netball court in every position
• Best hypothetical netball career
• Best supporter of female sportshumans
• Best botched fake tan
• Sweatiest, grossest foot in cheap knee-high hooker boots
• Floppiest pancake boobs
• Only person to have a Range Rover that she bought herself which changed colours and then disappeared
• Only person to announce on their dating app profiles that they'd never date an athlete, only to date athletes exclusively
• Best self awareness - brands herself as 'selfless' and ‘never leaving her babies’ but is a narcissist and an absent, horrible mother
• Healthiest boundaries - has publicly disclosed a tonne of sexual information about ex-partners, including tampon flinging, riding each other like horses with strap ons, her ex partner having a tiny penis
• Most eloquent pronunciation - impordent, Esserdon, sunthink, byoootiful
Education
Secondary - money spent on private (Penleigh & Essendon Grammar) when her older sisters all went to the local high school, but the joke is on the Shaws because ya girl still can't pronounce 'Esserdon' properly or construct basic sentences.
Tertiary - less than one semester of journalism at university which apparently has made her an expert (no receipts of this ever even proven!)
Relationships
2023 - spent most of the year preying on courting AFLW player Sophie van der Heuvel (BWAB3), baiting a relationship via dog photos and claiming privacy, only to hard launch on 31 July at said ‘toxic’ ex’s FIFA WWC game on the day her ex-fiancé landed in Melbourne.
2022 - Choke-held Maddie Garrick during a very tastelessful proposal in March in said overcapitalised mausoleum with a ring that she designed to represent herself and her children. Only to have Maddie chase her dreams in Italy a few short months later, and have Sophie visit in October and return early (4am Melbourne time). Said she would not be commenting further on it, but did very much comment further.
2020 - Soft launched Maddie Garrick (BWAB2) in January with a photo at the Australian Open, that was quickly archived when she rekindled her on-off-on-off ‘toxic’ romance with Alanna Kennedy. Romance became permanently off when Sophie filmed, edited and filtered the infamous breakup video. Maddie skyrocketed back to first choice and the photo was promptly resurrected to the Insta grid by December.
2019 - Separated from husband Jaryd Cachia at some stage, before announcing it to Insta on Father’s Day (because nothing can ever be about anyone else). Jaryd slept under the stairs, and listened in on Sophie’s romps with Katherine Smith in the next room. Sophie then met and 'fell absolutely in love with' Alanna Kennedy (BWAB1).
Prior to 2019 - banging on constantly about how in love she is with her husband, much she enjoys having sex with her husband etc. Nobody had ever husbanded as well as Jaryd, and nobody had ever coupled better than the Cachias! There was a time where they had an 'open relationship' and Sophie willingly packed condoms for Jaryd... they both got chlamydia.
Surgeries/procedures
• Veneers that are too big for her mouth (and it's already huge)
• Lip filler
• Botox errywhere
• Breast reduction to get floppy pancakes
• Labiaplasty because she had massive flaps and wanted to have a byootiful vagina
• Knee surgery because of her genetically dodgy Shaw knees which stopped her netball career
Children
Bobby: golden child, feminist, mum’s soulmate, allowed her to live out her authentic purpose of becoming a young mummy blogger and apparently wanted his pronouns to be ‘they’ for a time while his mum thought it was woke
Florence FKA Betty: scapegoat, stealer of her mum’s thunder, but all the feminine energy during her birth turned her mum into a lesbian; the tallest and biggest footed child to ever walk the Earth
Also thinks the following humans and hypothetical humans are her children:
• her BFF Jess’ daughter
• her BFF Amber’s son
• her former BFF Amelia's son
• her non-existent younger siblings
• her ‘up and coming talented soccer player’ nephew.
Pets
Two overweight and neglected mini dachshunds, one of which she bought BWAB2 on a whim - it may or may not be the same dog who is officially dating BWAB3's dog
Family
4th favourite daughter of former AFL player/coach Robert Shaw, from whom she inherited dodgy knees which interrupted her Australian Diamonds netball career before it even started. Sophie jokes that he wanted a son and got a 4th daughter, but we speculate he just wanted a better 4th child.
Threw her mum under the bus in her ‘best selling first book’ because her love language isn’t love bombing and is a modest act of service.
3 older sisters whom she gifted designer handbags one selfless Christmas:
• KJ with whom she appeared on Survivor: Blood vs Water, and got butt hurt that she didn’t beat or make more friends than
• the twins Amy and Zoe with whom Sophie respectively is obsessed for being the best mum and wife ever, and the best single mum ever, even though they were 'responsible' for Sophie getting bashed in primary school. KJ and Soph share custody of the twins.
Friends
BFFs:
• Jess - Soph met Jess playing AFL at some club that is better off now they're gone, gossiped endlessly about who the lesbians in their team were, only to realise that they were the first and best lesbians, Soph is the godmother of Jess' daughter, all but live streamed the birth and showers naked with her. Boundaries are so impordent to Soph though!
• Amber - Soph met Amber through Jaryd/her brief time as a WAG and has clung on for dear life.
• Tommy Casha - Soph went to uni with him (but he graduated), Soph MCed his wedding and is such good friends with him that she met his wife at their wedding.
Former BFFs:
• PEGS girls, including Amelia - according to Soph she isn't friends with this group of tasteful girls because they are homophobes and into party drugs, but we suspect they happily ditched Soph when they realised what an up herself c*nt flap she is
• Abby Gilmore - according to Soph she isn't friends with Abby anymore because she and her family trolled her from several fake accounts, but we suspect Soph couldn't handle Abby being the better netballer, younger and more present mum, and happy with her new partner. In a karmic sequence, Abby and sister KJ roll in the same Gisborne circle and are now besties. If only we could be Tattle flies on the wall when they have margarita night...
• Emmy Lou - Soph announced Emmy Lou would be her bridesmaid when she got married because they just get and respect each other, but Emmy Lou wasn't invited to the Italian mausoleum engagement party and we don't suspect her invite got lost in the mail
Employees
Usually employees aren't friends, but Soph is running businesses and BFF communes:
• Caitlin- the PA/unpaid nanny/housemate/lab grown diamond ring receiver before she broke free to go to Europe
• Social media girl - probably Sophie, responsible for all the mistakes, misinformation and stolen photos on the Aisuru account
• Gee - former sister in law/graphic designer, may or may not be social media girl…
Business ventures
• Cachia - it started with a ‘be you’ slogan shirts, and now we’re at overpriced pyjamas in various shades of leopard print branded with her ex-husband’s name, weird leopard print accessories and see-through active wear
• Aisuru - makeup brand for all flogs humans, which was smeared by snotgate before rebranding and using other people’s photos without permission
• Boda Hair Boutique (ANGEL investor) - famous for dyeing Soph’s hair orange strawberry blonde that nobody everybody wanted to copy
• Shaw Media (sure!) - we’re not Shaw what this was, it appeared to be a bed sheet and a rocks/works/wroks package???
• Fairy Magic - flammable children’s tutus
• Next Gen Mini’s (r.i.p) - more famous for the rogue apostrophe than the actual service they provided
• Bobby+Floss - children’s swimwear brand in fluoro colours to help all those parents who are as shit as Soph identify their kids in a crowd after they've been eye-fucking themselves in their phone selfie cam instead of supervising them.
• Big Daddy Fitness
Published books
• Bobby did a big stinky poo
• Bobby please eat your dinner
• Bobby go to sleep now
• Then there was her
• Then there was you
Often seen in sale bins, op shops and give away piles; or used as artworks in the mausoleum
TV appearances
Survivor Blood and Water 2022: where she wore an ill-fitting indigo bikini to do challenges for which a bikini shouldn’t be worn or sat on her ass not doing the challenges; didn’t make any friends; thought she would beat her sister KJ but didn’t; got kicked out of two tribes; and returned to the real world chucking an absolute tantrum.
Significant events/controversies
• Aisuru quality control AKA snotgate
• Aisuru image stealing debacle
• Ad Standards breaches
• Cease and desist letters to SMILF
• Florence lost her ring, and it was stolen in a robbery, and it still appears on her finger sometimes
