Would you suspect an affair?

[RinsedHoops]

I was going to post on another “parenting based” site for advice and realised how batshit they are. That being said I’m not just looking for people to agree with me so please be honest.

I’ve had a male friend through work for the last 10 years. We worked in the same team and hit it off and used to go for lunch together. He’s married and for the sake of transparency I thought he was good looking but there’s never been an emotional affair. We always kept pretty good boundaries - no flirting, no talking about relationship problems, no texting etc. These were unspoken, it was purely platonic.

We’re no longer working in the same location but same company so for the last 3 years I’ve seen him a lot less but we IM in work and have lunch once every few months. About 3 months ago he told me his marriage had broken down. It was a total surprise to me- I always thought they were good, but he said there was no big drama, they’re amicable just had grown apart over several years and were successfuly co-parenting.

Anyway we’ve been texting a bit since- again purely platonic, but a few days ago he asked me on a date. I was stunned tbh. I think he’s attractive but in no way have been pining for him or thinking this might happen at some point. I’d like to give it a bash but do you think people will assume this has been a decade long affair? Will his STBX think that? I’m a bit worried about the fall out and although it won’t impact me work wise, people will no doubt gossip in his office as that’s where I used to work.

 

[watermelon sugar]

I think it’s very likely at least someone will gossip about it happening when he was married. It’s just life, people are going to gossip. Especially in the work place, it’s like the place where most people do their gossiping. If you like him and you want to give it a go, you know nothing happened whilst they were married and that’s all that matters

Eta: and yeah definitely make sure the marriage is definitely done

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

Id be making sure the marriage was infact done. I.e theyre definitely separated.

Too many people like to band that phrase about when theyre very much still in a relationship.

 

[Rosie glow]

Life is too short to care about other people gossiping if you want to accept a date go for it agree with above posters about making sure his relationship really is over first though I've kind of been there
A long time ago I met someone through work he told me his relationship was over and he wanted to start something with me I wasn't in that place so said no but I found out later after a bit of Facebook snooping he was still with his partner and she was very much in love with him

 

[Megansnarkle]

Do you have a trusted friend in his office that knows him to that you could lay the groundwork with for them to defend you if necessary? So you message them like 'hey, so Brad just messaged me and asked me out on a date, we've always been friends but now it seems he wants to see me in another way. What do you think, would it be weird? We've always got on but I've never thought of him as a potential partner'.

You might then get the lowdown on what's been going on and place a marker down to make it clear to a neutral third party that this is a new thing.

 

[Telly Fanatic]

I was going to post on another “parenting based” site for advice and realised how batshit they are. That being said I’m not just looking for people to agree with me so please be honest.

I’ve had a male friend through work for the last 10 years. We worked in the same team and hit it off and used to go for lunch together. He’s married and for the sake of transparency I thought he was good looking but there’s never been an emotional affair. We always kept pretty good boundaries - no flirting, no talking about relationship problems, no texting etc. These were unspoken, it was purely platonic.

We’re no longer working in the same location but same company so for the last 3 years I’ve seen him a lot less but we IM in work and have lunch once every few months. About 3 months ago he told me his marriage had broken down. It was a total surprise to me- I always thought they were good, but he said there was no big drama, they’re amicable just had grown apart over several years and were successfuly co-parenting.

Anyway we’ve been texting a bit since- again purely platonic, but a few days ago he asked me on a date. I was stunned tbh. I think he’s attractive but in no way have been pining for him or thinking this might happen at some point. I’d like to give it a bash but do you think people will assume this has been a decade long affair? Will his STBX think that? I’m a bit worried about the fall out and although it won’t impact me work wise, people will no doubt gossip in his office as that’s where I used to work.

I would say 100% people will think it's been a affair, and you could end up getting hated...


but if your thick skinned and like him enough, go for it

 

[RinsedHoops]

Do you have a trusted friend in his office that knows him to that you could lay the groundwork with for them to defend you if necessary? So you message them like 'hey, so Brad just messaged me and asked me out on a date, we've always been friends but now it seems he wants to see me in another way. What do you think, would it be weird? We've always got on but I've never thought of him as a potential partner'.

You might then get the lowdown on what's been going on and place a marker down to make it clear to a neutral third party that this is a new thing.

Tbh the people I like there won’t care. One of the girls in the same team recently left her husband for another woman. There was some gossip for sure but she wasn’t ostracised. I do still have friends there so if we’re going to give it a bash I guess I could get ahead of it.

Im as sure as I can be the marriage is over. He’s really been a good friend for a long time and I’m not daft in general but I just don’t think he’d bullshit about that. He’s also told other people it’s over too.

 

[gummy-bear]

I’d be more concerned about being a rebound / getting hurt than the gossip mill tbh. People will always talk, and if anything did get back to you it’s pretty easy to set the record straight by outlining that you only went on a date etc post marriage breakdown.
If you are romantically interested and he is single (and open to not being a tit ) I say go for it! Just make sure you’re protecting yourself too

 

[Angelchops]

I’d steer well clear until he’s divorced. You run the risk of being his therapy gf, the one who helps him sort out his head, after which he’ll move on to someone new.

 

[Pinkpenguinx]

I was going to post on another “parenting based” site for advice and realised how batshit they are. That being said I’m not just looking for people to agree with me so please be honest.

I’ve had a male friend through work for the last 10 years. We worked in the same team and hit it off and used to go for lunch together. He’s married and for the sake of transparency I thought he was good looking but there’s never been an emotional affair. We always kept pretty good boundaries - no flirting, no talking about relationship problems, no texting etc. These were unspoken, it was purely platonic.

We’re no longer working in the same location but same company so for the last 3 years I’ve seen him a lot less but we IM in work and have lunch once every few months. About 3 months ago he told me his marriage had broken down. It was a total surprise to me- I always thought they were good, but he said there was no big drama, they’re amicable just had grown apart over several years and were successfuly co-parenting.

Anyway we’ve been texting a bit since- again purely platonic, but a few days ago he asked me on a date. I was stunned tbh. I think he’s attractive but in no way have been pining for him or thinking this might happen at some point. I’d like to give it a bash but do you think people will assume this has been a decade long affair? Will his STBX think that? I’m a bit worried about the fall out and although it won’t impact me work wise, people will no doubt gossip in his office as that’s where I used to work.

I would make sure the marriage is in fact over and they're living separate at least before doing anything?

If as you say they are getting divorced and it is amicable I see no reason you should let what anyone else thinks bother you or hinder you doing what you want with this man.
So what if anyone thinks you've had an affair.

 

[blueblue]

If you aren't already on it I'd head to the dating thread, someone there will undoubtedly have experience of this

 

[Shinythings]

I'd need to be 100% it was done. This is a lie people tell A LOT. I know my ex told his colleague side piece our relationship was done and he was just waiting for me to move out. I was very much not and we were talking about starting a family

Secondly, I'd worry about being his rebound or as someone up thread said, his therapy girlfriend. The one he offloads on, you do the 'fixing' and then he moves on.

I'd be inclined to maybe go on a date and use it as an opportunity to be clear about where he is at and what your boundaries are and then go from there.

 

[Satisfying Click]

I wouldn't date a man until the divorce was through. Nothing would turn me off more than hearing about solicitors, splitting of assets etc. I'm a big believer in getting your tit together, then dating, rather than the other way round.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I met Mr Lolz soon after he filed for divorce and we've been together for 20 years now. So can it work? Sure.

However I think it's good advice to check and make sure they are actually divorcing and not just separating or taking some time apart.