Hi everyone. I'm in a difficult situation where I want to make a decision to get myself out of a very difficult position that I'm miserable in. It's affecting my health and I'm finding it very difficult to cope. Seems like a no-brainer that I would follow through, right? However, if I do make this decision I will be disappointing my family because this is not what they want for me. It's not a dangerous situation nor is it anything intrinsically bad but it will cause pain to my family members. Shall I pursue this or not in order to spare my family members even if it means a detriment to me? I feel so guilt-ridden and stuck. Any advice is appreciated
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To answer the question ‘would I put someone else’s happiness above my own’ - no I wouldn’t. But without details I couldn’t say whether or not I’d do something that I know would disappoint my family. It’d depend on workarounds and how quickly they were likely to move past it I think.
Nope. You have to put yourself first.
I’ve put other people above myself and it only made me feel at rock bottom.
I’ve put other people above myself and it only made me feel at rock bottom.
I've been on both sides of this.
I took a big life decision much to the disapproval of my family. A few years later, I made another big life decision influenced by my family which ended up hurting someone close to me. Both decisions turned out fine in the end. My family got over the "bad decision" and I learnt to live with my decision which favoured my family and the good has outweighed the bad on that, some years later. I am now very close to my family which is what I wanted and weighed up at the time when choosing to hurt that person close to me.
It really depends on the specific situation you are in. Is it something enduring which you will have to face daily? Is it something your family may get over in time? Is it a cultural thing?
I took a big life decision much to the disapproval of my family. A few years later, I made another big life decision influenced by my family which ended up hurting someone close to me. Both decisions turned out fine in the end. My family got over the "bad decision" and I learnt to live with my decision which favoured my family and the good has outweighed the bad on that, some years later. I am now very close to my family which is what I wanted and weighed up at the time when choosing to hurt that person close to me.
It really depends on the specific situation you are in. Is it something enduring which you will have to face daily? Is it something your family may get over in time? Is it a cultural thing?
depends on the context of it but i know when it came to my wedding, i made a lot of decisions to go ahead with a covid wedding which upset both families as they wanted all the family to be there on both sides but at the end of the day it was what we both wanted
Are you doing a degree in medicine? Sorry for speculating but I wondered if you’re pursuing some sort of career/education knowing deep down it’s not what you want.
Thanks for your response. I know if I don't make this decision, I will regret it for the rest of my life and I will live in misery. Every day will be painful. I don't come from a loving or supportive family unit either. I don't think they will get over it in time, maybe decades down the line they may want to see me again. It is cultural, yes. It's a system built on family honour and loyalty and self-sacrifice in order to please your parents and others even if it makes you unhappy
No, nothing like that. I would argue it is much more life-changing
What if they would never approve of the decision and continually get you try and change your mind with guilt-tripping etc.
I think it’s is such a context dependent decision that it’s hard to give vague advice. However if you’re sure you’d regret whatever it is for the rest of your life and you’d be miserable, then definitely put yourself first.
You’re a human with emotions, not a prop 
I say choose your happiness.
I say choose your happiness.Thank you so much, somehow this gave me some solaceYou’re a human with emotions, not a prop
From what you’ve said I’ve guessed maybe you’re being asked to marry someone that you don’t want to? (total guess, I could be wrong!).
if it’s something like that I totally understand the dilemma especially when the family is putting so much pressure on. I know someone whose dad would constantly threaten to kill himself if she didn’t marry this person. These ideas are so firmly in built that it’s almost impossible to get them out of that mindset.
Whatever the situation is, you have to think of yourself. They might call you selfish or say you don’t care about the family. But if it’s a huge sacrifice that will change your life, you have to think of yourself on this one. I hope you’re ok and safe
if it’s something like that I totally understand the dilemma especially when the family is putting so much pressure on. I know someone whose dad would constantly threaten to kill himself if she didn’t marry this person. These ideas are so firmly in built that it’s almost impossible to get them out of that mindset.
Whatever the situation is, you have to think of yourself. They might call you selfish or say you don’t care about the family. But if it’s a huge sacrifice that will change your life, you have to think of yourself on this one. I hope you’re ok and safe
Choose yourself. If your family truly loves you and you are not hurting anybody, their opinion should not affect your happiness.
You are the only person that needs to live with your decision. (In case this is related to coming out in any way shape or form, please be safe, whatever you do!)
You are the only person that needs to live with your decision. (In case this is related to coming out in any way shape or form, please be safe, whatever you do!)
@newtoyou and @SavetheDrama Thank you for your words. I am not hurting anyone, just simply choosing to pursue what makes me happy. Neither of them are my situation but I don't feel comfortable sharing the details, unfortunately.
You’ve got to think who’s making you happy? You’re family are putting their happiness over yours.
Your instinct is telling you no , which is your decision made but you aware that there would be consequences with your family.
Sometimes, I think we do have to put other people's happiness before our own, perhaps temporarily , especially if a child is involved.
I get from your post that you want reassuring that putting your happiness first us the right thing to do. Can a compromise be reached?
Will your family get over their disappointment? Them not being disappointed probably isn't worth putting yourself through prolonged misery.
Sometimes, I think we do have to put other people's happiness before our own, perhaps temporarily , especially if a child is involved.
I get from your post that you want reassuring that putting your happiness first us the right thing to do. Can a compromise be reached?
Will your family get over their disappointment? Them not being disappointed probably isn't worth putting yourself through prolonged misery.
You can’t live your life based on what other people want, you have to follow your own heart.
Your family may be disappointed but they will have to just deal with that. That’s on them, not you.
Disappointing yourself by living a life that doesn’t make you happy is a lot harder to get over.
Your family may be disappointed but they will have to just deal with that. That’s on them, not you.
Disappointing yourself by living a life that doesn’t make you happy is a lot harder to get over.
That's your prerogative, you don't need to share anything you're not comfortable with. I hope you make a choice that takes into account your happiness and comfort first. You only get one life to make the best of.
Sounds corny, but a quote I try and live by is,
In the end, we only regret the chances the we didn’t take.
Whatever it is you want to do, do it. Please. Don’t end up with a life of regret and misery. I hope you’re okay and have people outside of your family who can support you with whatever it is your future holds
In the end, we only regret the chances the we didn’t take.
Whatever it is you want to do, do it. Please. Don’t end up with a life of regret and misery. I hope you’re okay and have people outside of your family who can support you with whatever it is your future holds
The best saying I've learnt is: "you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm".
It's a hard question because no matter the choice you make, it could wear on you. I made a very poor life choice based on some feedback/family advice and I admit I've regretted it. I had a lot of "what if I had done this?" thoughts. You need to determine how much it will impact you and how you will be able to live with it. I live with the choice but I honestly think about it almost daily. I wish you the very best.