Would you choose someone else's happiness over your own?

[candyland_]

Nope. You have to put yourself first.
I’ve put other people above myself and it only made me feel at rock bottom.

 

[Sheabutter]

You’re a human with emotions, not a prop I say choose your happiness.

 

[newtoyou]

From what you’ve said I’ve guessed maybe you’re being asked to marry someone that you don’t want to? (total guess, I could be wrong!).

if it’s something like that I totally understand the dilemma especially when the family is putting so much pressure on. I know someone whose dad would constantly threaten to kill himself if she didn’t marry this person. These ideas are so firmly in built that it’s almost impossible to get them out of that mindset.

Whatever the situation is, you have to think of yourself. They might call you selfish or say you don’t care about the family. But if it’s a huge sacrifice that will change your life, you have to think of yourself on this one. I hope you’re ok and safe

 

[judgejohndeed]

I think it’s is such a context dependent decision that it’s hard to give vague advice. However if you’re sure you’d regret whatever it is for the rest of your life and you’d be miserable, then definitely put yourself first.

 

[Bleurghgram]

To answer the question ‘would I put someone else’s happiness above my own’ - no I wouldn’t. But without details I couldn’t say whether or not I’d do something that I know would disappoint my family. It’d depend on workarounds and how quickly they were likely to move past it I think.

 

[silkytoes]

I think generally life is way too short to spend it putting everyone else's happiness above your own. You deserve happiness and if that disappoints your family then that's up to them to deal with. They're responsible for their own happiness just as you are for yours. Their peace of mind shouldn't be dependent on you.

In response to the question in the title - I'm happy to sometimes put other people's happiness above my own if I know it's a temporary thing and also if I know they would do the same for me. When it comes to major or long lasting life decisions, I will consider what they want but it's ultimately not going to be the deciding factor.

 

[krillernew]

@newtoyou and @SavetheDrama Thank you for your words. I am not hurting anyone, just simply choosing to pursue what makes me happy. Neither of them are my situation but I don't feel comfortable sharing the details, unfortunately.

 

[Eureka]

You can’t live your life based on what other people want, you have to follow your own heart.

Your family may be disappointed but they will have to just deal with that. That’s on them, not you.

Disappointing yourself by living a life that doesn’t make you happy is a lot harder to get over.

 

[krillernew]

You’re a human with emotions, not a prop I say choose your happiness.

Thank you so much, somehow this gave me some solace

 

[candyland_]

You’ve got to think who’s making you happy? You’re family are putting their happiness over yours.

 

[justheretoread99]

Sounds corny, but a quote I try and live by is,

In the end, we only regret the chances the we didn’t take.

Whatever it is you want to do, do it. Please. Don’t end up with a life of regret and misery. I hope you’re okay and have people outside of your family who can support you with whatever it is your future holds

 

[rainbowlemon]

The best saying I've learnt is: "you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm".

 

[footylass2021]

depends on the context of it but i know when it came to my wedding, i made a lot of decisions to go ahead with a covid wedding which upset both families as they wanted all the family to be there on both sides but at the end of the day it was what we both wanted

 

[TheBetterHalf]

They currently aren't aware of my situation and how ill it's making me because I feel like whatever I say is met with an awful reaction. Unfortunately, due to cultural norms, it's very common to just accept your situation and sacrifice yourself as long as the family is able to keep up appearances. Even if I said I am miserable and making this decision will make me so so happy, they would say I don't love them because I'm choosing to hurt them (even though what I'm doing is not wrong, it's just not the norm in terms of culture) and be selfish by choosing to be happy myself. I am making these predictions based on situations in the past.

I could have written this word for word! I'm so sorry you're in this position. It very much reflects my own life and choices. In my culture certain things are expected, and had I made the decision to do what I wanted to do it would have gone against those cultural norms. And that would have been a travesty for the family. I just don't have the type of personality to go against the grain. I'm not strong enough to be everyone's enemy.

Without knowing the details of your situation I can only say that I understand to some level. I too wish it were easy to just sit and have a nice conversation and be mature and rational about life choices. I hope things work out for you in the way that they are meant to x

 

[SavetheDrama]

Choose yourself. If your family truly loves you and you are not hurting anybody, their opinion should not affect your happiness.
You are the only person that needs to live with your decision. (In case this is related to coming out in any way shape or form, please be safe, whatever you do!)

 

[krillernew]

Do your family know the extent of how the situation is affecting you? Surely if they love you they wouldn't want you to stay in a circumstance that is making you ill and struggling to cope? I think you need an honest conversation with them about how you feel and why you want to make this choice/decision. I would hate to think of someone I love struggling because they think it's what I would want without telling me.

I understand where you're coming from and it's very logical. I would love to just sit down and have a conversation about it. They currently aren't aware of my situation and how ill it's making me because I feel like whatever I say is met with an awful reaction. Unfortunately, due to cultural norms, it's very common to just accept your situation and sacrifice yourself as long as the family is able to keep up appearances. Even if I said I am miserable and making this decision will make me so so happy, they would say I don't love them because I'm choosing to hurt them (even though what I'm doing is not wrong, it's just not the norm in terms of culture) and be selfish by choosing to be happy myself. I am making these predictions based on situations in the past. Love is conditional - if you follow the path set out for you then you've earnt the love and if you don't, then life will be made very difficult. The sad part is that I don't feel like they love me. They would be happy if I lived a life of misery and sadness but as long as other people think we're happy from the outside then all is good

 

[krillernew]

Sorry you're going through this and I def understand that cultural pressures are something not everyone will get if they haven't experienced it.

If its nothing bad and you're not hurting anyone, you deserve to live your life and be happy!

On a practical note, do you live with them/are you planning to move out? I know families can sometimes threaten disowning people but regardless some space and independence would be good in this situation if its in your means. Try to be in a decent place with money and a support network you can speak to so you're not totally isolated. Whilst some families can be stubborn forever, hopefully in time if they see your decision hasn't been the end of the world, they might come around and you could have a better relationship going forward.

I understand it's difficult for people to fathom when they're fortunate to not have to consider such pressures. I'm not hurting anyone, just choosing to be happy in a way that goes against the norm. I will be moving out and I think financially I'm in a good place (thankfully) and the situation which I'll be moving to is very supportive so I hope that helps in the long run. Thank you so much for your input

 

[TheBetterHalf]

It's a hard question because no matter the choice you make, it could wear on you. I made a very poor life choice based on some feedback/family advice and I admit I've regretted it. I had a lot of "what if I had done this?" thoughts. You need to determine how much it will impact you and how you will be able to live with it. I live with the choice but I honestly think about it almost daily. I wish you the very best.

 

[krillernew]

I was given an ultimatum by my family that was a case of doing what they said or getting out. I chose to do what I wanted. It was tough going but I’ve never regretted it. I’m mid 40’s now. Imagine yourself my age having lived a life not of your own choosing and the regrets you will have. Is that what you want for yourself? You only have one life. I get the sensitivity around culture, in my case it was religious belief that was a factor. There are groups out there that can help and offer support if you need it.

Wow, you're so strong, that sounds incredibly difficult and I hope you're so proud that you got through it! I certainly don't want to regret my choices 20 years down the line, I suppose it is fear that is stopping me. Fear of the unknown. I try to keep positive and remind myself that it's my one life and I can make my own decisions. In my situation, I think it's a mixture of culture and religion but skewed towards culture. I'm glad to hear that you've never regretted it, thank you so much for sharing. I'm inspired by you

I wonder, what helped you initially when you made that decision?

 

[krillernew]

It really depends on the specific situation you are in. Is it something enduring which you will have to face daily? Is it something your family may get over in time? Is it a cultural thing?

Thanks for your response. I know if I don't make this decision, I will regret it for the rest of my life and I will live in misery. Every day will be painful. I don't come from a loving or supportive family unit either. I don't think they will get over it in time, maybe decades down the line they may want to see me again. It is cultural, yes. It's a system built on family honour and loyalty and self-sacrifice in order to please your parents and others even if it makes you unhappy

Are you doing a degree in medicine? Sorry for speculating but I wondered if you’re pursuing some sort of career/education knowing deep down it’s not what you want.

No, nothing like that. I would argue it is much more life-changing

To answer the question ‘would I put someone else’s happiness above my own’ - no I wouldn’t. But without details I couldn’t say whether or not I’d do something that I know would disappoint my family. It’d depend on workarounds and how quickly they were likely to move past it I think.

What if they would never approve of the decision and continually get you try and change your mind with guilt-tripping etc.