My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl
I said no I didnt know he could!
I said no I didnt know he could!
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Just realised it was pancake day! That creped up on me
What happened to the survivors of a collision between a red ship and a blue ship? - They were marooned. 
A boy came home from school when his father noticed he looked a bit upset.
" What's the matter, son ? ", he asked.
" Oh, some guy in my class said I was gay ", he replied.
The father was livid. He got up out of his chair with his fists clenched and said with a growl, " Right, son... Tomorrow you march straight up to that tit and give him a belt in the jaw ! "
" But, Daddy... He's really CUUUUUTE ! "
" What's the matter, son ? ", he asked.
" Oh, some guy in my class said I was gay ", he replied.
The father was livid. He got up out of his chair with his fists clenched and said with a growl, " Right, son... Tomorrow you march straight up to that tit and give him a belt in the jaw ! "
" But, Daddy... He's really CUUUUUTE ! "
A woman went into a bar with a Newt perched on her shoulder. She ordered a drink for herself and one for the Newt.
”What’s its name?” asked the bartender.
”Tiny” replied the woman.
”Why Tiny?”
”Because he’s my Newt.”
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A young married couple enjoyed a full sex life and she became accustomed to rewarding him between the sheets for any act of kindness. But he wanted to prove to her that he wanted her for more than just sex, so one day, on the spur of the moment, he bought her a huge bouquet of flowers.
”They’re lovely,” she said, before adding suspiciously, “I suppose now you’ll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs apart?”
”Why?” said the husband, puzzled. “Haven’t we got a vase?”
”What’s its name?” asked the bartender.
”Tiny” replied the woman.
”Why Tiny?”
”Because he’s my Newt.”
******************************************************************************************************************************************************************
A young married couple enjoyed a full sex life and she became accustomed to rewarding him between the sheets for any act of kindness. But he wanted to prove to her that he wanted her for more than just sex, so one day, on the spur of the moment, he bought her a huge bouquet of flowers.
”They’re lovely,” she said, before adding suspiciously, “I suppose now you’ll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs apart?”
”Why?” said the husband, puzzled. “Haven’t we got a vase?”
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OK, that one made me fall over sideways.
Why did the m & m go to school?
Because he really wanted to be a smartie!
Because he really wanted to be a smartie!
What do you call a horny square?
An erectangle!
An erectangle!
Why did the comedian go on stage with duct tape over his mouth ?
He'd hired a literal gag writer.
He'd hired a literal gag writer.
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
It was a vile inn.
A lady visited her doctor and complained her husband had lost all interest in sex ever since he'd turned seventy and she missed their intimate times together.
He gave it some thought and wrote a prescription. " I must warn you it's an experimental drug that is supposed to be ten times more effective than Viagra. "
" Oh, he may be too embarrassed by that ! ", she said.
" Tell you what... It can be taken in powder form. Just crush it and mix it into his mashed potatoes. "
She agrees, thanks the doctor and leaves.
One week later she returns with a spring in her step. " Doctor ! I can't thank you enough ! I did what you suggested and less than a minute into the meal my husband leapt to his feet, beat his chest and roared like Tarzan before clearing the table and made wild, unbridled love to me right there and then for TEN MINUTES and only stopped when the table collapsed from the strain !! "
The doctor smiled before saying, " Well, as it was an experimental drug the Medical Foundation will be happy to compensate you for any damages. "
" Oh, that's alright, dear ", she replied. " We weren't planning on going back to that restaurant anyway ! "
He gave it some thought and wrote a prescription. " I must warn you it's an experimental drug that is supposed to be ten times more effective than Viagra. "
" Oh, he may be too embarrassed by that ! ", she said.
" Tell you what... It can be taken in powder form. Just crush it and mix it into his mashed potatoes. "
She agrees, thanks the doctor and leaves.
One week later she returns with a spring in her step. " Doctor ! I can't thank you enough ! I did what you suggested and less than a minute into the meal my husband leapt to his feet, beat his chest and roared like Tarzan before clearing the table and made wild, unbridled love to me right there and then for TEN MINUTES and only stopped when the table collapsed from the strain !! "
The doctor smiled before saying, " Well, as it was an experimental drug the Medical Foundation will be happy to compensate you for any damages. "
" Oh, that's alright, dear ", she replied. " We weren't planning on going back to that restaurant anyway ! "
An old man, hunched and bowed, hobbled into an ice cream shop. The waitress looked on sympathetically as he made his way slowly to the counter and ordered a banana split.
”Crushed nuts?” she asked.
”No, arthritis.”
”Crushed nuts?” she asked.
”No, arthritis.”
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian..
Ian..
A man went into a barber shop and said: “I want my hair cut so that it is all different lengths round the front and back, a strange spiky bit on top and bald patches here and there.”
”I don’t think I can do that,” said the barber.
”Why not? You did the last time I was here.”
”I don’t think I can do that,” said the barber.
”Why not? You did the last time I was here.”
In honour of St. Patrick’s Day, here’s a little Irish joke. 
Brendan, Sean and Paddy entered a pub‘s weekly raffle. To their delight, each won a prize. Brendan won first prize - a case of Guinness. Sean won second prize - a joint of beef. Paddy won third prize - a toilet brush. When they met up again in the pub the following week, Paddy asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
”The Guinness is beautiful,” said Brendan.
”So was the beef,” echoed Sean. “And how‘s your toilet brush, Paddy?”
”Not so good,” frowned Paddy. “I think I will go back to using paper.”
Brendan, Sean and Paddy entered a pub‘s weekly raffle. To their delight, each won a prize. Brendan won first prize - a case of Guinness. Sean won second prize - a joint of beef. Paddy won third prize - a toilet brush. When they met up again in the pub the following week, Paddy asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
”The Guinness is beautiful,” said Brendan.
”So was the beef,” echoed Sean. “And how‘s your toilet brush, Paddy?”
”Not so good,” frowned Paddy. “I think I will go back to using paper.”
Rumour has it, that there is going to be a reboot of the children's tv series Teletubbies.
The show will be renamed Anti-social Tubbies, featuring characters Stinky Winky, Tipsy, GaGa and pot!
The show will be renamed Anti-social Tubbies, featuring characters Stinky Winky, Tipsy, GaGa and pot!
Why are the British unable to say their T's correctly?
The Americans dropped it in the Boston Harbour.
The Americans dropped it in the Boston Harbour.
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
I got arrested for illegally downloading all of wikipedia.
I told them I could explain everything.
I told them I could explain everything.
These are three I distinctly remember hearing at primary school:
A man was taking his girlfriend to a party. Halfway up the driveway he gets her to climb onto his back, and he knocks on the door. The person answers and says to him, "Did no one tell you it was fancy dress?"
He says, "Yeah! I'm a tortoise, and this is Michelle."
-
Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when a vampire jumped on the bonnet of their car. The first nun said to the second nun "Quick, show him your cross!"
The second nun sticks her head out of the window and yells "Oi, piss off, you've made me very angry!"
-
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman stumbled across a pool with a slide. A sign told them it was a magic slide and that when you call out what you want as you're sliding down that is what they will find at the bottom. The Englishman slides down and yells "Beer!" and splashes into a pool of beer. The Scotsman slides down and yells "Whiskey!" and splashes into a pool of whiskey. The Irishman who hadn't been paying attention slides down and in that moment of enjoyment yells "Weeeeee!"
A man was taking his girlfriend to a party. Halfway up the driveway he gets her to climb onto his back, and he knocks on the door. The person answers and says to him, "Did no one tell you it was fancy dress?"
He says, "Yeah! I'm a tortoise, and this is Michelle."
-
Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when a vampire jumped on the bonnet of their car. The first nun said to the second nun "Quick, show him your cross!"
The second nun sticks her head out of the window and yells "Oi, piss off, you've made me very angry!"
-
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman stumbled across a pool with a slide. A sign told them it was a magic slide and that when you call out what you want as you're sliding down that is what they will find at the bottom. The Englishman slides down and yells "Beer!" and splashes into a pool of beer. The Scotsman slides down and yells "Whiskey!" and splashes into a pool of whiskey. The Irishman who hadn't been paying attention slides down and in that moment of enjoyment yells "Weeeeee!"