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I’ve been in relationships with people who were walking red flags but for slightly different reasons.
My first relationship was with a dude who made me feel on edge all the time; like I was constantly doing something wrong. And I know I put up with it for so long because my self esteem was tit and I felt completely unloveable. We broke up and I dated a little until I met someone who completely love bombed me. I was under complete coercive control and such emotional abuse I got to the point where I had no identity outside of him, I was scared to lose him and I didn’t see just how bad the relationship was. I spent 6 years of my life with him. I still get angry and frustrated with myself for being intelligent but just not smart enough to see it. But my therapist tells me that my ex was a very skilled abuser and that it’s designed for the victim not to see it.
I spent 6 years single then met my most recent ex. I think the experience and therapy helped me spot the red flags quicker but at first I put them down to me being damaged and needing to re-learn how to trust and be in a relationship and communicate without shutting down and trying to manage my triggers but in this case I think what i put down to being triggered was actually my instinct that things weren’t right for me.
In all of these relationships at least one person had tried to tell me something wasn’t right in a round about way but it’s hard to hear it when there’s so much uncertainty and imbalance and sometimes I just didn’t want to see it. And for me, the realisation that someone is toxic or a walking red flag is worse then the actual break up. It’s hard not to feel stupid or gullible and like some kind of failure.
My first relationship was with a dude who made me feel on edge all the time; like I was constantly doing something wrong. And I know I put up with it for so long because my self esteem was tit and I felt completely unloveable. We broke up and I dated a little until I met someone who completely love bombed me. I was under complete coercive control and such emotional abuse I got to the point where I had no identity outside of him, I was scared to lose him and I didn’t see just how bad the relationship was. I spent 6 years of my life with him. I still get angry and frustrated with myself for being intelligent but just not smart enough to see it. But my therapist tells me that my ex was a very skilled abuser and that it’s designed for the victim not to see it.
I spent 6 years single then met my most recent ex. I think the experience and therapy helped me spot the red flags quicker but at first I put them down to me being damaged and needing to re-learn how to trust and be in a relationship and communicate without shutting down and trying to manage my triggers but in this case I think what i put down to being triggered was actually my instinct that things weren’t right for me.
In all of these relationships at least one person had tried to tell me something wasn’t right in a round about way but it’s hard to hear it when there’s so much uncertainty and imbalance and sometimes I just didn’t want to see it. And for me, the realisation that someone is toxic or a walking red flag is worse then the actual break up. It’s hard not to feel stupid or gullible and like some kind of failure.
I would also recommend the book "The art of seduction " by Robert Greene for anyone .
One of my brothers is a walking red flag. Speaking as his younger sister, I can tell you, he has always been like that. There are 4 of us siblings and the rest of us aren't like that and nor are my parents. I think in some cases, it's nature, like my brother but in others it is also nurture.
I think people ignore the red flags for so many reasons, my brother's partners have ignored them because he has charmed them at the start or they have thought he would never be abusive to them, that it was all the last partner's fault or they haven't thought they deserved any better. Usually it's a mix of all of them, with other issues thrown in. I also think that age is a factor. He hasn't had a serious relationship in over five years because women his age are more sensible, one thing I will say for him, is he doesn't go for young women, they are age appropriate.
Even having seen my brother's behaviour, I have ignored red flags, preferring to think they wouldn't be like that with me, always wrong, what makes me so special
I think people ignore the red flags for so many reasons, my brother's partners have ignored them because he has charmed them at the start or they have thought he would never be abusive to them, that it was all the last partner's fault or they haven't thought they deserved any better. Usually it's a mix of all of them, with other issues thrown in. I also think that age is a factor. He hasn't had a serious relationship in over five years because women his age are more sensible, one thing I will say for him, is he doesn't go for young women, they are age appropriate.
Even having seen my brother's behaviour, I have ignored red flags, preferring to think they wouldn't be like that with me, always wrong, what makes me so special
Do you think your brother is a narcissist?One of my brothers is a walking red flag. Speaking as his younger sister, I can tell you, he has always been like that. There are 4 of us siblings and the rest of us aren't like that and nor are my parents. I think in some cases, it's nature, like my brother but in others it is also nurture.
I think people ignore the red flags for so many reasons, my brother's partners have ignored them because he has charmed them at the start or they have thought he would never be abusive to them, that it was all the last partner's fault or they haven't thought they deserved any better. Usually it's a mix of all of them, with other issues thrown in. I also think that age is a factor. He hasn't had a serious relationship in over five years because women his age are more sensible, one thing I will say for him, is he doesn't go for young women, they are age appropriate.
Even having seen my brother's behaviour, I have ignored red flags, preferring to think they wouldn't be like that with me, always wrong, what makes me so special
I think the guy my friend is holding on to is selfish and must be a narcissist.
He knows she's fallen for him and he picks her up and drops her when he feels like it.
He just wants sex and the company when it suits him. If he was half decent he'd spell this out to her and she could make an informed decision.
He sees her kindness and (mistaken) patience as a weakness and something to be exploited.
I think my brother is a psychopath (anti-social behaviour disorder), he's extremely aggressive and can be violent, whilst also having the ability to charm and manipulate people. He does have a diagnosed mental illness which he hasn't disclosed to us and having done some reading, I think that's the most likely. However, even with a diagnosed mental illness, it's still a choice to treat people shittily.
You cant do anything if he's a sociopath or psychopath. The positive (if there is a positive) is that you're clues up and see him for what he is.
I'm sure he'll use his mental health as an excuse but he sounds dangerous. I'm so sorry.
These people are all around us. It seems a weird quirk of nature.
My boss is one.....yes it sounds cliché but she is. She absolutely charming, manipulative and then has a rage when something doesn't go her way.
HR can't get rid of her. She's actually manipulated and charmed some of them.
She probably wants to believe that she’ll be the one to change him. I can’t believe she keeps giving him chances when he’s sponging off of her financially as well as all the other stuff. I find that incredibly unattractive - I wouldn’t even want to sleep with a guy who did that.
People very rarely change. And the older they become, the less likely they are to change. It’s a shame - it sounds like your friend is wasting her life with this loser.
Having recently got out of a dv rship after 4 years, the red flags were there right from the get go, and I have to admit, I didn’t ignore them, I always called them out, however he always worked his way back in, gaslighting me for the first few years until I realised what was going on and made it clear I knew what he was doing. He then flipped the script and tried to make me think that I was the abuser, since I reacted so bad to his mental abuse.
I stayed with him as we had a child together after the first year, which is a tit excuse and one I wish I could go back and change.
I am 150 miles away from all family and friends and have nobody where I live, this I think played a big part in staying with him and it took me 4 years to say no more.
I question myself all the time if being where I am alone, is the only reason I chose to keep going back, and the bottom line is always deeper than that. Lack of self esteem and not feeling like I deserve anything better seems to be the running theme in most of my relationships.
My Childhood has played a huge part in my adult relationships. Also toxic people are highly manipulative and even those of us who aren’t easily manipulated, can still be screwed over by certain people. I’m now happy on my own and don’t ever plan to have a relationship again. Even my friendships have suffered and I no longer have many friends. Honestly feel like life is better this way
I stayed with him as we had a child together after the first year, which is a tit excuse and one I wish I could go back and change.
I am 150 miles away from all family and friends and have nobody where I live, this I think played a big part in staying with him and it took me 4 years to say no more.
I question myself all the time if being where I am alone, is the only reason I chose to keep going back, and the bottom line is always deeper than that. Lack of self esteem and not feeling like I deserve anything better seems to be the running theme in most of my relationships.
My Childhood has played a huge part in my adult relationships. Also toxic people are highly manipulative and even those of us who aren’t easily manipulated, can still be screwed over by certain people. I’m now happy on my own and don’t ever plan to have a relationship again. Even my friendships have suffered and I no longer have many friends. Honestly feel like life is better this way
All, we did the best with what we knew at the time. My therapist said that to me at one of my first sessions and it really stuck with me. I ignored all the red flags, thought he would change, I would be better, he would love me unconditionally one day.... guess what... that day never came and when I finally cut contact and got therapy I gave myself the love I was always seeking and it was so tough and I did go back in the middle of it all but at least this time I could see I need more therapy and I am finishing up next week which is a big achievement. He is gone from my life, yes I think about him for what it could be, but I know a lot of it was built up in my mind. I never thought I would be this happy with myself. We were brought up in a certain way (childhood adverse experiences) and that shaped our adult lives but with compassion, self reflection and self awareness we can change and call in amazing things into our lives. Xxxx
Please please listen to your head , I listened to my heart and built up a fantasy and thought thing would change, they won’t , it cost me years and a lot of money seeking therapy to get out of it and now I am somewhat on the other side i say to other girls please please cut contact seek therapy and love yourself xxxx
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Sometimes people either don't see it or see it and hope everything will eventually change.
I was with someone for 10 years and red flags were everyone since we met. At the start I didn't see it but eventually I've open my eyes but kept telling to myself he would eventually change and everything was going to be alright.
I finally "became free" a couple of years ago and all I have to tell you is, please don't abandon your friend no matter what are your opinions about the relationship. Please be there, because sooner or later that can make all the difference.
I was with someone for 10 years and red flags were everyone since we met. At the start I didn't see it but eventually I've open my eyes but kept telling to myself he would eventually change and everything was going to be alright.
I finally "became free" a couple of years ago and all I have to tell you is, please don't abandon your friend no matter what are your opinions about the relationship. Please be there, because sooner or later that can make all the difference.
But how do I stay by her side and support her without telling her she's ruining her life?
I've been honest with her before and she fully agreed and then 2 months later pursued the horrible guy (after he'd ghosted her) and they got back to shagging.
He clearly sees it as fwb and she thinks they're in a relationship.
It's incredibly difficult to not just blurt out she's being ridiculous.
Although I have some sympathy surely as a grown adult you have to be responsible for your choices.
Ive made some big mistakes with men which left me vulnerable, fragile and depressed but it was down to me to make better decisions. No one got me out of the situation, it was me, having an epiphany and finally deciding to take control.
That's why I am annoyed and frustrated. All the advice I've given, the hours I've tried to listen and be supportive have fallen on deaf ears so I believe my friend can only get out of this situation by taking control for herself.
That’s true. I actually read that post about being there for her, basically, indefinitely, and disagreed. It sounds like it’s affecting you so I would take a step back. You’ve made it clear how you feel, it’s not fair to expect you to go along with it and deal with the inevitable fallout. You can’t build up somebody else’s self-worth, and unfortunately it sounds like she’s lacking in that department.
I once had a friend like you and I didnt listen either. This stuff is even more messed up from the inside than the outside (what others see).
When I say be there for your friend I dont mean there there. I mean, be aware that you might get a call for help at some point.
But if this situation is really affecting you, just stay away because you must look after yourself before anyone else.
When I say be there for your friend I dont mean there there. I mean, be aware that you might get a call for help at some point.
But if this situation is really affecting you, just stay away because you must look after yourself before anyone else.
It's so hard when you spend hours advising a friend and they don't listen at all, stay with the person... and yet still want to complain about it, or ask for advice going forwards. I've been there and given up. It's so hard when you love your friend but if they already know what you think, I took to saying "you know what I think about this" when they started complaining/seeking advice and started talking about something else.
Thankfully they realised and left the relationship a few months later. It killed me to do it but it sounds like it is stressing you out so much, I think you need to take a step back.
Thankfully they realised and left the relationship a few months later. It killed me to do it but it sounds like it is stressing you out so much, I think you need to take a step back.
Yeah, I commented earlier on about being there but your point includes more of what I meant. You must look after yourself too.
Years ago before I met my now partner I was with someone very briefly who I was friends with first and honestly we should have just stayed friends. The red flags were there. While we were friends, he had messaged me through Facebook but I didn't reply as I was really flat out in work. Someone lso tagged me in something that day which I just liked briefly on my tea break. When I got home and sat down to reply to him, he had deleted me! I asked him why he had deleted me and he said something like ''You have time to reply to other people on fb so its clear yo don't want to talk to me so there is no point us being friends on there'' 
I just laughed it off and thought grow the duck up. I didn't speak to him for ages but then he said sorry, he was having a bad day etc and the naïve pushover that I was believed him. Silly me because things never changed.
If you didn't respond to his messages as soon as he had sent them and you had read them he would huff or block you or send 50 more messages.
It was too much and it felt very controlling. It didn't matter how many times I said I would respond whenever I want and not when I am made to.
He wanted the benefits of having a girlfriend without having the title as he wanted to go out with his friends every weekend.
It all got a bit tedious. He turned into a very nasty, controlling, abusive narcissist and I wish I had never went near him but the signs were there, I just ignored them as I thought it was all in my head.
I just laughed it off and thought grow the duck up. I didn't speak to him for ages but then he said sorry, he was having a bad day etc and the naïve pushover that I was believed him. Silly me because things never changed.If you didn't respond to his messages as soon as he had sent them and you had read them he would huff or block you or send 50 more messages.
It was too much and it felt very controlling. It didn't matter how many times I said I would respond whenever I want and not when I am made to.
He wanted the benefits of having a girlfriend without having the title as he wanted to go out with his friends every weekend.
It all got a bit tedious. He turned into a very nasty, controlling, abusive narcissist and I wish I had never went near him but the signs were there, I just ignored them as I thought it was all in my head.