Why do people ignore the red flags?

[Inforapenny]

My good friend has got back with a guy who has red flags galore. It's awkward because when they broke up and I was honest and told her I didn't think he was nice. I said he was manipulative and using her. Now they're back together!
She excuses his behaviour by saying he's busy with work, he hasn't got a good relationship with his family, he had a bad break up years ago.
Why would someone chose to justify bad behaviour and ignore red flags?
He ignores her for weeks, only comes round for sex, will not introduce her to friends, he's dumped her in a hurtful way before now, he's never taken her on a date yet she has forked out for trips away, dates etc for him.
Why would you choose to make your life miserable? Why can't she see the red flags?
She believes they are in a relationship and with time it will develop to a healthy, committed relationship. I don't believe it will.

Why would a bright, intelligent person ignore all the red flags and choose to be unhappy?

 

[judgejohndeed]

Could be lonely, bored, low self esteem so thinks she won’t find anyone better, might like him so much she doesn’t see these things as red flags yet. Loads of reasons.

 

[LaBlonde]

some people are just desperate to be in relationships i think

i have a friend who has been dating/half living with a guy for two years, he has never met her parents, he won’t let her put any of her things around the house as he “has his own tastes” but has said she can put some in the spare room where no one can see them, she gave me a lift to work a few weeks back and he randomly asked to speak to me on the phone - i thought it was weird but she said “oh he’s just checking it’s really you!” he’s reclusive, has cut her off from other friends, guilt trips her if she comes on days or nights out with me, made her cry on her birthday, makes fun of her hobbies, keeps a running tally of money she “owes” him if he buys her a coffee or something when they’re out - and yet she loves him and tells me that i don’t see the “good things”. i mean, i’m looking pretty hard, haven’t seen any yet!

i hate being single but, god, why do people allow themselves to be treated like this? is it a fear of being alone?

 

[BelleAmie]

Funny memes aside, it’s hard to see things objectively when you’re head over heels for someone. You either don’t see the red flags, because all the good points overshadow them, or you don’t want to acknowledge the red flags because you think you can’t do better/cope without them.

It’s actually a really sad place to be when everyone can see the red flags except you because they always catch up with you and you feel like an idiot. You think you can change someone, you think they’ll grow out of bad behaviour and all you can do is be there for her to pick up the pieces when it falls apart. Love really is blind.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I was seeing a guy from uni when I was 19 for about five or six months.

looking back, I feel like I made a lot of mistakes and I should have walked away a lot sooner, but I didn’t because I loved him and I really wanted him to change and I hung on as I enjoyed the bit of attention I did get from him.

essentially I was really just friends with benefits to him, everything was on his terms. We always went back to his, we never really went out together and he ignored my birthday completely.

I’m an intelligent person and I knew he was an idiot, but I think I was just brainwashed. Eventually I think I just snapped and I went looking for better and luckily I’m now with an amazing man who im marrying in October.

im just lucky I am stubborn and tough by nature and that’s why I walked away, but others aren’t so lucky and don’t believe their own self worth.

 

[justheretoread99]

IMO - it’s a low self esteem/confidence thing. When you’re infatuated with someone you never see the bad things in them. All the red flags look green.

It’s awful to see your friend be in a position like that. But all you can do is be there for them. Advise them as best you can if she comes to you, but there’s not much you can do to change their mindset.

 

[Jon9090]

For me ignoring red flags is a combination of things. Inexperience in life situations & scenarios. Going against your initial gut instinct because you want to see the good in someone. Low self esteem & confidence hence why you stick through & put up with someone stringing you along. And not protecting your mental health because let's face it, the after effects of ignoring glaring red flags once you're finally out that relationship or situation will severely wreck with your head.
I just feel everyone can be prone to ignoring red flags at first with someone especially people pleasers. I just get frustrated if you don't learn from your initial mistakes, that's when the repeated cycle of nonsense makes me lose sympathy although depending on the situation it can be difficult.

 

[Londoncailín]

I think this is a very complex issue and has multiple reasons behind it. I believe the relationships we are exposed to in our childhood have a significant bearing on our adult relationships. If you were exposed to dysfunctional relationships as a child, you probably think this is normal.

If something feels like home to you, it's not a red flag

 

[Inforapenny]

This is food for thought. And I agree with responses. I've been in a crappy red flag 'relationship' but after the fun/novelty wore off I broke it off.
My friend is 35. Her previous two situationships were exactly the same. One of these men simply ghosted her and they're still in contact to this day the other guy she was seeing for 5 years. He said he couldn't give her what she wanted and so they carried on a physical relationship for 5 years until he found a girlfriend. All that time she didn't date or try to find a nice guy.
I think the sticking point is that she really wants to settle down, but now because of this current guy she's saying she is happy to be 'independent' and only see him once a fortnight/3 weeks.
I never bring him up in the convo, she does and I find it so hard to respond or say anything productive or positive.
So it tends to end up with her talking to convince herself she's happy.
It gets me angry. He's ghosted her before and she was in utter bits for a few months.
She says it's fine now because she knows he wouldn't cheat.
She's never met his friends and refuses to hold her hand in public.
It's so bad it's

She's had a really stable, loving background.
Her parents are still married.
She seems super confident.
Maybe she was exposed to crappy relationships in her childhood

 

[Kim Mild]

Maybe red flags are only visible to people outside the relationship?

When you first get with someone, you are generally quite tolerant of their ways .

Some people like drama in their relationships.

Some things happen in life to teach us a lesson.

 

[TheScarletgirl]

Having ignored big red flags in the past all I can say it was part of being young and learning about people . Things i would have ignored 5 years I certainly would not put up with now .

The biggest red flag was when i was dating guy who went away for the weekend of his birthday and didn't contact me for days .
I never should have overlooked it until he did it again then finally dumped me by text ...

 

[Inforapenny]

Having ignored big red flags in the past all I can say it was part of being young and learning about people . Things i would have ignored 5 years I certainly would not put up with now .

The biggest red flag was when i was dating guy who went away for the weekend of his birthday and didn't contact me for days .
I never should have overlooked it until he did it again then finally dumped me by text ...

My friend bought him a birthday gift, she left it at his house on the table. He never text to say thank you or acknowledged that she had bought him something.
He ignored her birthday

 

[rainbowlemon]

"We accept the love we think we deserve".

I grew up in a abusive home with a lot of domestic violence. I had no idea what a healthy relationship even looked like. I fell in love with the first guy who threw me crumbs of attention. It was just 9 months of extreme ups and downs. He was hot and cold. I kept going back again and again because I believed in potential he never showed and that he was better then what he was showing me until I finally realized enough was enough. I had no self esteem. I would have slept with him just to make him happy. It was just everything trying to please him and get his attention.

24 year old me used to believe love was all you needed but love alone is not enough if there is no real foundation of trust and mutual respect. Four years in therapy taught me about boundaries and not to accept any less and that it was okay to leave relationships I was no longer happy in.

With your friend she really won't see it until and if she finally does see it. You have to be there and let her make her own mistakes.

I bought and made sure my younger 21 year old sister read a book I bought from Amazon called something like Red flags you chose to ignore. She was able to pick out points she was seeing in a friendship.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I think the real question, that I’d love to know the answer to, is why are some people controlling, manipulative, vile pieces of crap? I’m actually really intrigued to know what exactly causes a person to become a nasty person. Is it upbringing? Is it a bit of nature or nurture? I’d love someone to come out and say exactly why they choose to be a walking red flag.

 

[Inforapenny]

I think the real question, that I’d love to know the answer to, is why are some people controlling, manipulative, vile pieces of crap? I’m actually really intrigued to know what exactly causes a person to become a nasty person. Is it upbringing? Is it a bit of nature or nurture? I’d love someone to come out and say exactly why they choose to be a walking red flag.

Some people are selfish. Their selfish actions become red flags for others.
I suppose some are sociopaths and others, on the other end of the scale are simply selfish.
This guy my friend is seeing is selfish, it's all take take take and what HE wants.
He's never once gone out of his way for my friend.
Him not saying thank you for his birthday gift is selfish and lacks empathy.
I think he's an embarrassment. He happily got taken to a hotel by my friend, she paid for it all and bought him his drinks and dinner and he allowed her to pay for it all .....on her birthday.

Unfortunately I think some people are just out to serve themselves.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Some people are selfish. Their selfish actions become red flags for others.
I suppose some are sociopaths and others, on the other end of the scale are simply selfish.
This guy my friend is seeing is selfish, it's all take take take and what HE wants.
He's never once gone out of his way for my friend.
Him not saying thank you for his birthday gift is selfish and lacks empathy.
I think he's an embarrassment. He happily got taken to a hotel by my friend, she paid for it all and bought him his drinks and dinner and he allowed her to pay for it all .....on her birthday.

Unfortunately I think some people are just out to serve themselves.

I’d love to know what it was that made them like this though… upbringing or nature or both? I’m guessing it’s a mix of both, some have probably seen their own parents treat their partners this way and some have probably been spoilt too much and raised to be a bully.

he sounds like a real loser and I can see why you’d be annoyed at your friend not realising how much of a joke he is.

one of my friends is with this guy who is just in and out of work, treats her like dirt and gets her into debt. She blames his mental illness and won’t accept she needs to get rid. It’s so annoying because she could do better.

 

[Inforapenny]

I’d love to know what it was that made them like this though… upbringing or nature or both? I’m guessing it’s a mix of both, some have probably seen their own parents treat their partners this way and some have probably been spoilt too much and raised to be a bully.

he sounds like a real loser and I can see why you’d be annoyed at your friend not realising how much of a joke he is.

one of my friends is with this guy who is just in and out of work, treats her like dirt and gets her into debt. She blames his mental illness and won’t accept she needs to get rid. It’s so annoying because she could do better.

It's the excuses that irritate me. Making excuses for a loser must be exhausting.
He will only see her every couple of weeks on Friday evening because he's building a house....this house has been built for years.
He won't commit to a relationship because he had a bad break up
He won't introduce her to his family or friends because again he had a bad break up.
He won't ever say how he feels or compliment her because he's shy.
Apparently when she brought up commitment etc he actually physically shook and she blamed his bad break up.
And apparently he shows her how much he loves her by the sex they have.

I know for sure that when he meets the 'one' he'll be fully committed, he'll be a great boyfriend and will want to introduce her to everyone.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Sometimes you just don't see them (the red flags). Maybe you've been treated worse before, maybe they just don't seem too bad to you or maybe you're overly empathetic to someone who really doesn't deserve it and who is good at manipulation. It's not always low self esteem, sometimes it's just a knock to it or sheer naivety.
Sometimes when you look back the flags are huge and big and blood red but you just didn't perceive them like that at the time.
It's hard to be in your position. Just stay close, even if it takes her fifteen years x

 

[sunnystorm88]

Sometimes you just don't see them (the red flags). Maybe you've been treated worse before, maybe they just don't seem too bad to you or maybe you're overly empathetic to someone who really doesn't deserve it and who is good at manipulation. It's not always low self esteem, sometimes it's just a knock to it or sheer naivety.
Sometimes when you look back the flags are huge and big and blood red but you just didn't perceive them like that at the time.
It's hard to be in your position. Just stay close, even if it takes her fifteen years x

This is so true I left a relationship nearly 5 years ago due to dv. I couldn’t see the red flags I was blinded by the control the manipulation the emotional abuse. He changed me so much as a person I was too scared to speak out as I thought I was the one with the problem. My way out in the end was because of the physical violence - I couldn’t hide it anymore. It was like I needed that to knock the sense in to me. It was like a jigsaw so many things then began to make sense the things he did. I know if ever anyone asked me how I was back then I would say okay. I became good at pretending. Leaving an abuser was one of the hardest things I ever did … it takes a lot of strength and courage to change your life from what you was existing maybe your friend just isn’t ready to do it.

 

[Fizzwhizz2020]

Have you ever heard the expression “can’t see the wood for the trees?” It’s very hard to see red flags when you’re in the midst of it. You have the benefit of being removed and being an outsider without the emotion, so this is why you can see them clearly.
There’s probably not much you can do, other than to be there and support and let your friend realise on her own. But you sounds like a good mate and I get that you’re worried. But, until it’s her decision, it will just fall on deaf ears x