Who’s family to spend Christmas with

[Sailorontheseasea]

I need to settle a semi debate here, and this is all regardless of covid as it’s been the same argument every year my boyfriend and I have been together. Sorry for the length but lots of explaining.

The first few years we spent Christmas Eve/day/Boxing Day separately. Then we had our son and it went like this:
Year 1: Christmas Eve he spent it with his family and my son (I went to my parents house for some reason); Christmas Day with his family and then Boxing Day with mine.
Year 2; Christmas Eve with his family and then he worked the evening, Christmas Day he worked so I spent it with my own family and then my grandparents + extended family and then Boxing Day the same.

Now this year (if rules allow) I am hopefully planning to do similar, spend Christmas Eve with his family the whole day and do a proper nice spread, presents, church etc and make a really nice day of it and then Christmas Day with my own and possibly my extended family and then Boxing Day whatever is good. My grandad very sadly passed in February so we really want to be around my Nan for a difficult time and just the fact it’s tradition for our family to be all together at Christmas etc when really my partners much smaller family have no tradition and his mum kind of decides what she’s doing differently every year.

He said to me “why should I spend time with your extended family on Christmas Day when I don’t get to see my own” and I’m quite hurt by this, especially as they give him so much hospitality, feed him, get him lovely gifts, we all have a good laugh, his kids are obviously there with me and having a good time and on top of that the fact that my grandad passed and it’s a time for family and we haven’t all been together since his funeral in March (big family) and to be honest, bit of a back story but his family have made our lives hell this year due to lots of things that aren’t relevant but let’s just say I grin and bare spending time with them a lot of the time. On top of the fact he usually works Christmas Day (so what am I meant to do...sit alone for the hours he’s at work? no. )It just seems he’s lacking compassion for the fact we lost a big part of our lives this year and I really just want to be there for my lovely Nan if I can be.

am I being out of order here? We’re doing literally the whole of Christmas Eve with his family and he’s still got a problem? Also not to mention the fact that we had another baby this year and like duck am I not going to spend Christmas Eve with both my boys like I did missing out on my first borns Christmas Eve. These things really mean a lot to me and I get so much joy out of Christmas before anyone thinks I’m being an utter tit and need to get over it TIA.

Also all of our families live over an hour away from each other so we can’t do too much house hopping as it takes up so much time and turns into a crazy fest. (Obviously not when COVID is rife but generally)

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I think no matter what you do, I wouldn’t be splitting up your family unit, you, your partner and the children should be together on all three days no matter what. Obviously if your partner is working that’s different, but I still wouldn’t split up the rest of you.

I don’t have children with my partner and I do agree it can be a difficult decision. Before we lived together we had Christmas dinner separately and we would spend a bit of Christmas morning together. Since we have lived together we have alternated.

Christmas Eve is always just the two of us, we both work Christmas Eve until around 6pm, so we then either go out for a meal and to the cinema or we have a takeaway.

Christmas Day we spend one year with my family and one year with his. So last year we were with his family and then this year we are having my family at our house for Christmas Day.

boxing day is always spent with his family because on the year that I’m not with my family for Christmas Day, my family go down south to be with other family members and they aren’t around for Boxing Day.

its a difficult one, but I would try and alternate it each year if you could, but it is totally circumstances depending. If you’re family has had a tough year with losing a family member then that would be an understandable reason to change things around or if he’s working and you can’t get to his family until he comes home then I guess that would also make sense.

 

[Tree_]

Just spend it just the 4 of you. No arguments . Plus restrictions mean you probably won't be able to mix families so makes it easier lol

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Just spend it just the 4 of you. No arguments . Plus restrictions mean you probably won't be able to mix families so makes it easier lol

well the government has said that they are coming up with a plan so that families can be together at Christmas so there probably won’t be any restrictions! Apparently Boris values Christmas very highly

 

[Tree_]

well the government has said that they are coming up with a plan so that families can be together at Christmas so there probably won’t be any restrictions! Apparently Boris values Christmas very highly

What a crock of tit all the gammon snowflakes getting so upset about Christmas. Well I'll be staying at home with my babies, partner and dog and I can't wait. Grandparents can kiss my ass.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

What a crock of tit all the gammon snowflakes getting so upset about Christmas. Well I'll be staying at home with my babies, partner and dog and I can't wait. Grandparents can kiss my ass.

Hahah I don’t blame you! I’m spending mine with my partner and my mum. I’m my mums carer and she’s in our “bubble” as she’s a single person, there’s no one else I’d rather spend it with.

 

[Definitelyme]

Just take it year about. That’s what everyone in my family does. So one year me, my brother and sister (and all our other halves and kids) spend it with my parents. The next year we spend it with in laws.

We are in a lucky position that we have to fly to my in laws so no fannying about with Christmas Eve here, Boxing Day there, we just do the whole thing with one side of the family. But my siblings go to in laws on Christmas Eve, whichever set of parents on Christmas Day (depending on whose turn that year) and Boxing Day always with my family.

I wouldn’t split up from our family unit, whatever you do should be together.

 

[WhatABore]

I need to settle a semi debate here, and this is all regardless of covid as it’s been the same argument every year my boyfriend and I have been together. Sorry for the length but lots of explaining.

The first few years we spent Christmas Eve/day/Boxing Day separately. Then we had our son and it went like this:
Year 1: Christmas Eve he spent it with his family and my son (I went to my parents house for some reason); Christmas Day with his family and then Boxing Day with mine.
Year 2; Christmas Eve with his family and then he worked the evening, Christmas Day he worked so I spent it with my own family and then my grandparents + extended family and then Boxing Day the same.

Now this year (if rules allow) I am hopefully planning to do similar, spend Christmas Eve with his family the whole day and do a proper nice spread, presents, church etc and make a really nice day of it and then Christmas Day with my own and possibly my extended family and then Boxing Day whatever is good. My grandad very sadly passed in February so we really want to be around my Nan for a difficult time and just the fact it’s tradition for our family to be all together at Christmas etc when really my partners much smaller family have no tradition and his mum kind of decides what she’s doing differently every year.

He said to me “why should I spend time with your extended family on Christmas Day when I don’t get to see my own” and I’m quite hurt by this, especially as they give him so much hospitality, feed him, get him lovely gifts, we all have a good laugh, his kids are obviously there with me and having a good time and on top of that the fact that my grandad passed and it’s a time for family and we haven’t all been together since his funeral in March (big family) and to be honest, bit of a back story but his family have made our lives hell this year due to lots of things that aren’t relevant but let’s just say I grin and bare spending time with them a lot of the time. On top of the fact he usually works Christmas Day (so what am I meant to do...sit alone for the hours he’s at work? no. )It just seems he’s lacking compassion for the fact we lost a big part of our lives this year and I really just want to be there for my lovely Nan if I can be.

am I being out of order here? We’re doing literally the whole of Christmas Eve with his family and he’s still got a problem? Also not to mention the fact that we had another baby this year and like duck am I not going to spend Christmas Eve with both my boys like I did missing out on my first borns Christmas Eve. These things really mean a lot to me and I get so much joy out of Christmas before anyone thinks I’m being an utter tit and need to get over it TIA.

Also all of our families live over an hour away from each other so we can’t do too much house hopping as it takes up so much time and turns into a crazy fest. (Obviously not when COVID is rife but generally)

To save similar things, we always just have Christmas day by ourselves as a family and visit one family on Christmas Eve and one family on Boxing Day.

If he's working on Christmas day, I'd say there's no point making plans to see his family if he's not going to be there.
But also if he isn't working, I don't think it's fair, regardless of how close you are to his family, to use that as a reason not to spend Christmas with them. In the sense that its still his family and regardless of what they've done, he probably still wants to be with them.

And if you don't want to do the Christmas by yourself, then do alternate Christmases

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

I think it needs to be year about Im afraid. One year do Christmas Day at your folks then Boxing Day at his and the next year switch. If your OH isnt happy with that then Id stay at home every year.

I refuse to take my kids out on Christmas Day. Its a magical time for them and being at home with there Santa gifts. I do cook for whoever wishes to join us. Its more pressure on me but its worth it. This year obviously due to the pandemic it will just be us.

Once you get into a relationship it does have to be give and take at Christmas and unfortunately it is sometimes time to do those Christmas Eve traditions within your family unit.

 

[coconochanel]

Id say if you dont like it you go to your parents xmas day and me and the kids will got to my folks.

 

[Platypusfattypus]

To be fair it should be year by year so it would be his parents Christmas day this year.

But personally I'd do it Christmas eve one family, boxing day the other and just enjoy christmas with my family at home.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

well the government has said that they are coming up with a plan so that families can be together at Christmas so there probably won’t be any restrictions! Apparently Boris values Christmas very highly

D'you think that's because he wants to spend it with ALL his children?

 

[Lulu Goss]

We don’t have kids yet, but me and my partner swap each year. So last year was my families for Xmas day and his for Boxing Day, this year the other way around.

It’s the fairest way to do things and our families know where we’ll be in advance so we always plan ahead

 

[ClockworkDolly]

I thought this virus was supposed to be deadly. Does it have a few days off then at Christmas?

Christmas is a hard time for those with inclusive families and their own children. Everyone wants a piece of you.

You have to do what is best for you and know that you can’t please everybody.

 

[SunshineDreamer]

I hate this part of Christmas. We used to alternative between my family and my in laws. Until we had our children. My husband is (or until his resignation is up) and A&E consultant so would have to work some part of Christmas usually. The year we had our children children (twins) my mother in law expect me to drive to her house with the children (at that point they lived 4 hours away) then my husband do his shift and drive up late Christmas Eve and I saw red. As my parents only live around the corner from our house we went to their house for dinner as my mum thought it would be one less worry with the babies etc. The year after my mother in law started stating how it was ‘her year’ and again, expected my husband to miss out on Christmas with his children so she could see them. I again put my foot down and said we were spending it at home. We now have 3 children and we will be spending it at home, with the possibility of seeing my parents should restrictions allow. My mother in law is more than welcome to visit however she won’t.

From that point On we vowed to do Christmas our way, regardless of what our families say. Do what makes you and your partner happy, not your families.

 

[37BBL]

I genuinely don't enjoy this part of Christmas, the arranging to see everybody part. I always end up feeling guilty for not having enough time with people.
So my parents are separated, and my husbands parents are together. What we usually do is his parents visit Christmas morning or boxing day morning, we go to my dads for Christmas lunch and then my mums Christmas evening.
Tbf, my husband isn't close to his parents and is probably closer to my stepdad than his own dad, so he has never had an issue with it. His parents don't invite us round for a meal or buffet so we do the token thing of having them here for a cuppa/mince pie.
I do wish we could have a full day at home, and maybe this year we can! I always feel mean on my kids that we are rushing them around when they probably just want to stay in thier PJs and play with all thier new stuff!

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

Thank you so much for all of your responses! I find it really interesting to see how people play this. I do find it difficult as my partner isn’t super close to his parents but for some reason around Christmas he acts like I’m committing a crime for not wanting to spend time with them - which I still do! I really go out of my way to make a nice day with them and my personal opinion is you can do Christmas not on Christmas Day because it’s just a day, it doesn’t really matter, but I guess he sees it differently. My MIL is a bit of a dramatic nightmare though and sometimes will change her plans like the week before (who does that!!!). Last year she said she was spending it at her friends and then 3 days before had a meltdown because no one wanted to see her on Christmas Day........? It also doesn’t help that none of his family “do” Boxing Day (they take their decorations down on this day ) so we have such a limited window, especially if he is working.

I agree with poster above, I find the whole thing really hard as I always feel so guilty for saying I won’t spend it with my parents/grandparents or whatever. I know in the end they wouldn’t care and it’s only a year but I hate it as 1) I love spending time with them and so do my kids 2) I find it really hard to let go of tradition

I think this year I’m finding it especially hard with my grandad not being here etc, I just wish he’d chosen a different year to have a problem with it. I think after this year we will definitely alternate and spend Christmas Day at home or with one or the other. It’s all so silly really isn’t it, don’t know why I get so worked up every year!!

ps. To the poster that said Covid is going away for Christmas no it isn’t unfortunately but this is an ongoing debate so!

 

[Dot_Cotton]

We have 2 kids. We stay at home Christmas Eve, the kids get up and open the presents then later on I go to my dads and he goes to his mums. One year he takes the kids for dinner there the next he doesn’t and takes them boxing day. Then he comes to my dads later on. It’s not a big deal to us really and he wants to see his mum and I want to see my family so it works for us that way.