Visiting a chapel of rest, should I?

[MrsOgre]

I went to see my dad today and had a good chat to him. The funeral director was very respectful and supportive, he had covered dad's face with a cloth and I didn't want to see his face, I could only see his hands and he was fully dressed. I felt a strong sense of calm and so relaxed there and I feel I've properly said goodbye now. My husband was with me for support, that really helped and he did look at dad and said he looks very peaceful. We both had a good cry at first and then I just felt very calm.

If anyone has any doubt like I did, ask the funeral director for guidance, bring someone close for support and also that you can change your mind at any point. I had asked if there's a reception area at the chapel of rest, so I could bottle out if I needed to.

 

[MrsOgre]

My dad passed away last week, he had been unwell for quite some time. I want to see him one last time but people are telling me to remember him as he was and not go. We have a lovely outfit planned for him. He had only been wearing hospital gowns for the last few weeks. I like to think that he's able to sleep now and isn't in anymore pain, I am absolutely torn between should I see him, or just sit with him but not look at him. I really want to say goodbye but am so worried this will haunt me, but if I don't I will regret it forever. He didn't want a funeral, which is a relief as I think we all would've been physically sick with grief.

 

[Welshgal]

So sorry for your loss but absolutely go see him.

I don’t understand why people say you should remember him a certain way as if one moment could erase all the good times and memories you surely have of him. It might be tough to see him like he is now, but it will also give you closure.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Oh god, im bawling reading these.

Big love to you all

 

[im_like_an_adult_cat]

Sending love @MrsOgre
I went to see my dad today too. I'm glad you went and it went ok x

 

[Monkeymagic85]

Go and see him.

My dad passed when I was 18, I still have the memory of seeing him looking at rest and not in pain for once, he was also wearing the rainbow socks he pinched off me, that was a happy moment, not sure I would have forgiven myself for not going. It wasn’t scary at all. We all got to spend time with him alone.

It’s definitely a personal choice, if you want to just have you memories don’t go. If you want to say a final goodbye, I would go

 

[Namewithheld]

Sending love to you all it’s definitely a personal decision to make.

I lost my nan last November after a 6 week hospital stay and was quite unexpected and we never thought this would’ve been the outcome. When we were called to the hospital it’s one thing that hasn’t left me as she didn’t really look like her bless her. Having helped choose her clothes I decided to go and see her and I definitely don’t regret it. She was very peaceful and it literally looked as though she had drifted off to sleep after a few too many sherry’s at Christmas. A very peaceful place too. I would say just to make sure you have some support around you as everyone reacts differently.

Hugs to everyone.

 

[MrsOgre]

Hi all. I lost my father almost a month ago in really unexpected and tragic circumstances. I am sorry for everyone's losses. I don't have any advice but just wanted to send lots of love to all. It's such a horrible time and perhaps we can use this thread to help eachother through it.

That's a good idea. The funeral director just came round to drop off dad's belongings from hospital and pick up the outfit we've chosen and he is going to let me know when he's ready and it will all be taken at my pace. Ive been in disbelief and just had a good sob into dad's fleece and can't let go of it now.

 

[chickhicks86]

My mum was poorly for a while, but passed away suddenly, sooner than we expected. I saw her at home before the undertakers had taken her away (at my dad's insistence) and it was horrendous. I couldn't bring myself to go to the chapel of rest after that, I don't know if I should have to try and "erase" that memory, but it is my biggest regret seeing her at home. I think if I was in your situation I would probably go with the intention of not looking at him - you can tell him what you need to and you can always say "hi" if it feels right.
Much love to you xx

 

[Dinnerbag]

@MrsOgre im so sorry for your loss.
I think you should go, write a letter and pop it in with him for him to take with him, also what about his favourite chocolate? When my sister passed I went to see her. I took letters and drawings off the kids and photos to go with her. When my nan passed she asked me, as she knew it was coming to take her some fags, some Nescafé and a packet of blue riban.
Speak to the under taker, ask them if he looks peaceful etc, they will help and guide you.
Xxx

 

[PrincessCharming]

From what you’ve described, I’d say yes, go see him.

I’m sorry for your loss.

 

[Upintheair83]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
From my experience, when I lost my nan I went to see her to say goodbye, and I was upset because she didn't look like how she was in life, however it also brought me comfort because for me, it made me realise we are all just a shell here on earth. And I felt that the love we had was stronger and longer lasting than our earthly bodies. It made me realise that she wasn't there anymore and in that moment it gave me peace. Sending love. As The Queen said 'grief is the price we pay for love' and its so true. Lots of love to you xxxxx

 

[MrsOgre]

@MrsOgre im so sorry for your loss.
I think you should go, write a letter and pop it in with him for him to take with him, also what about his favourite chocolate? When my sister passed I went to see her. I took letters and drawings off the kids and photos to go with her. When my nan passed she asked me, as she knew it was coming to take her some fags, some Nescafé and a packet of blue riban.
Speak to the under taker, ask them if he looks peaceful etc, they will help and guide you.
Xxx

Dad always had a little man bag and he's got that now, and it has cigs and matches, a cloth to wipe his glasses and is also wearing a t-shirt that I got him of one of our favourite bands. I have got a card to write out too. When my nan passed, I said I wanted to see her but everyone else said no, I didn't ever regret not seeing her but I asked for photos of us all to be placed with her. I am really hoping I can be with dad again today. I spoke to my aunt last night, she was with my uncle almost everyday before his funeral just sitting holding his hand so it confirms to me that it's ok. My mum doesn't want to be involved at all which is fine but my husband is going to come with me.

 

[cakelover]

Sorry for your loss
My friend died in May. We knew she was terminal but she passed a lot quicker than expected. I had spent the day with her on the Monday and she died on the Friday night. I just couldn’t quite come to terms with that I hadn’t said a proper goodbye when I thought I would. I really wanted to see her but just didn’t know what to expect, especially as her funeral was 4 weeks after she had died and couldn’t see her in the funeral home until that week. My friends and I made the decision we would go and I’m so glad we did. We spent nearly 3 hours in a room with her- crying, laughing and reminiscing. I’m so glad we had that chance and it gave us great comfort. I expected that she wouldn’t look the same but surprisingly though she looked no different. I just know I would have regretted it if I hadn’t gone. You know in your heart what you want and need to do but I understand it can be very overwhelming.

 

[yankydoo]

Hi all. I lost my father almost a month ago in really unexpected and tragic circumstances. I am sorry for everyone's losses. I don't have any advice but just wanted to send lots of love to all. It's such a horrible time and perhaps we can use this thread to help eachother through it.

 

[Chocolatelover123]

I’m so sorry for your loss
I had the same dilemma when my Nan passed away I went to see her just before the funeral which was a couple of weeks after she passed and naively I thought she would like exactly like she did on the day she passed away. When I got there and saw her I couldn’t look at her she looked so different but I sat in a chair next to her so I couldn’t see in the coffin and just had some time with her. Even though I couldn’t bring myself to look at her I am glad I went I think I would have regretted it if I didn’t. However like everyone else says it’s personal choice

 

[Giggling Squid]

My dad passed away last week, he had been unwell for quite some time. I want to see him one last time but people are telling me to remember him as he was and not go. We have a lovely outfit planned for him. He had only been wearing hospital gowns for the last few weeks. I like to think that he's able to sleep now and isn't in anymore pain, I am absolutely torn between should I see him, or just sit with him but not look at him. I really want to say goodbye but am so worried this will haunt me, but if I don't I will regret it forever. He didn't want a funeral, which is a relief as I think we all would've been physically sick with grief.

I’m so sorry for your loss
I didn’t go and see my dad, and it’s one of my biggest regrets. If you think you might want to, please please go!

 

[Bellaboonew_12]

I wasn't with my family when my grandad passed, it was mid second lock down, although it was expected, it happened fast. Afterwards there was a 4 hour wait for the undertakers to come. During some of this time my I sat with him on messenger video the phone propped against his bedside lamp. I could see him. I thanked him for being the best grandad, I said to wait for us all and watch over us and I said goodbye. I was really glad to have got that time with him. Just do what feels right xx

 

[im_like_an_adult_cat]

@MrsOgre im sorry for your loss. I lost my dad two weeks ago and am heartbroken.
I have been torn about going to see him. We were all with dad when he died so part of me would like to go and see him, just to see him in his clothes and looking peaceful. The dad I remember in the last few days wasn't really 'him'.
My mum is also unsure so we've said we'll go and see how we feel when we get there.
Sending virtual love, it's a difficult time and one I really wasn't ready for xx

 

[PunkRocker]

So sorry for your loss

My grandad passed away 5 years ago last week after living with vascular dementia for several years. We were told he would be moved onto end of life care and my mum asked if I would want to be there when he passed (I said yes) and to visit in the chapel of rest (I said no)
As it turned out, he passed in the early hours of the morning the day before his birthday so none of us were there. We all went to the hospital and the amazing nurses let us sit with him for a few hours and bought us tea and toast. That made me feel much better about seeing him so I did visit twice at the chapel of rest. As another poster has suggested, I took a letter to leave with him and that helped me to get some feelings out too.

I'd say it was definitely the right thing for me and I hope you can make the best decision for yourself too. Take care