Trigger warning- relationship advice, abuse?

[Elle Woods]

You stated bought that house you and your family live in with your inheritance money. That is your money, not joint money no matter if you are married. Do not believe him if he tells you otherwise.

Whilst I completely agree with your post and OP needs to get away from this man fast, this part is entirely incorrect. They are married and the house was bought during the marriage, therefore, unless she has ringfenced a certain percentage via a Deed of Trust to reflect the inheritance aspect of the contribution, then the property is a joint marital asset.

OP I really hope you're able to take the advice given on this thread seriously - get away from him. This is sexual assault and you are not consenting.

 

[JuneJuneHannah]

You've taken the first steps by making this post. Stay safe and take the next steps when you are ready.

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

Yeah the fetish is called consensual non consent (CNC) but the crucial part is - it's consensual. You talk about it first. What you don't do is assault your wife, have her tell you she doesn't like it, keep doing it, stop because you get a sniff of some money coming your way, then start it up again. That is just assault.

Yes absolutely agree with this. Its ok if its something youve spoken about as a couple and agreed to. Its also something that requires open communication and continued consent. Its not oh they said ok once 5 months ago lets do it again without confirming with your sexual partner it is still ok.

Unless there is enthusiastic consent then its a no.

 

[ItsDatCuw]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. As others have pointed out, I don’t believe this is sexsomnia as he consciously stopped when he felt his security/marriage was possibly under threat and then started up again once he felt “safe” enough.

Others have given some amazing advice here already so I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone: I’ve gone through exactly this with an ex and it is absolutely traumatizing so I really feel for you and know how horrible it is.

Spoiler: Description of assault

He would wake me up (accidentally) very early in the morning by doing something very similar to what you described. It was quite painful and uncomfortable so in my half-asleep state, I’d immediately grab and push his hand away with some force - he couldn’t have been under any illusions about how I felt - but he would then repeatedly move his hand firmly back into the same position. This could happen up to three or four times at a time until he’d give up and (semi-angrily) say something victim-blaming like: “I see you’re not a very cheerful person in the morning.” Like you, I froze for the most part and apart from pushing his hand away as an automatic reaction due to the discomfort, I found it hard to say anything or discuss it afterwards.

I blocked it out during the relationship for the most part. It’s only when you’re free, it hits you just how wrong it really was. It was and is sexual assault, and there is also a strong gaslighting/mind-game element to it as well. Protect yourself no matter what.

 

[Realitybites]

I'm sorry to say it but some of the advice here isn't legally correct. I wrote and deleted a post as it doesn't sound like OP is in the headspace right now to receive this information so I'm not sure whether it's helpful to overwhelm her. But as OP and her husband are in a long marriage and the house was bought during the marriage, it is now a marital asset and he would be entitled to a share of it if they were to divorce. That is the same whether or not he's on the mortgage and whether or not he's on the deeds, I'm afraid.

This is all a long way off for OP though - most importantly OP should not leave the house if/when he asks her to, she can change the locks but as per the above he would be able to go to court and get an order to re-gain access as the house is also his property. OP's best legal bet is getting a non-mol asap which is very easy to do, can be obtained without service, and then seek comprehensive legal advice before the return hearing. There are lots of very good family solicitors who offer 30-60 mins free advice that OP could make use of and given the sexual abuse OP can also seek legal aid. You can get a non-mol without representation by going to your local family court and asking for the application form. The appointment with a judge is usually 5-15 minutes max and they are very experienced with litigants in person and will be kind/speak in plain language so everything is understandable, there is no reason to fear this if you choose to do so OP, and you can take a friend/family member with you.

ETA - OP if your local family court has a Personal Support Unit I would highly recommend their services for obtaining a non-mol without representation. They cannot give you legal advice or speak in court for you but they will be experienced in completing the form, can tell you what to expect when you go in, and will be able to accompany you in court if you don't have anyone else to go with you. It's free but they are busy so you may have to wait or make an appointment, not sure how they're operating post COVID

Excellent advice here, just wanted to add if you knew your devices were safe https://www.flows.org.uk/ has an online option for applying for a non-mol. Rights of Women is also another brilliant resource to explore. There are also other civil options you could explore (such as an Occupation order) but that would be my priority.

More importantly OP, I’m sorry this has happened to you and we are all here to support you. Abuse of any kind is never right.

 

[ElChanguito]

I'm so sorry for you, OP. We're all here for you, posting what you did was a big first step. He shouldn't get away with the crimes he has committed against you. I doubt you are his only victim.

 

[Telly Fanatic]

So he only wants sex with you when you're sleeping?,

Sounds like some kind of fetish he has?.

 

[Suzesnooze]

I used to move to a different room or tell him to stop, he used to say he was " trying to wake me up" which he wasn't at all.

Odd way to wake somebody up!

I hope he does as you ask and moves out.

 

[Suzesnooze]

Does he say why he does it?

When I first started reading I thought he probably had a sleep disorder and he doesn’t know he’s doing it but then you said you discussed it so that rules that out. My husband talks and moves things in his sleep and does all sorts but he can’t remember any of it the next day.

I suppose you could sleep in separate rooms if he won’t move out ?

 

[biscuitthief]

Thank you all for your replies I appreciate them all and they have given me a lot of things to consider.
If it was something like sexsomnia, then would he remember it? As I know for certain that he always remembers it, he knows exactly what has happened.

He wouldn't have any recollection at all. My friend's husband only knows he has done it when she tells him the next morning. He has no awareness at all during and afterwards.

I hope you can be free of this. I can't imagine how horrible this must be for you.

 

[Suzesnooze]

It is probably a sleep disorder. Similar to sleep walking. My husband will move furniture and all sorts while he's asleep and doesn't remember any of it when he wakes up!

 

[Suzesnooze]

It's not a sleep disorder, it's assault.

As someone else mentioned. Sexsomnia is a possibility.

 

[Suzesnooze]

Thank you all for your replies I appreciate them all and they have given me a lot of things to consider.
If it was something like sexsomnia, then would he remember it? As I know for certain that he always remembers it, he knows exactly what has happened.

No he wouldn’t remember it.

What did you used to say to him when you’d wake up to him doing it?

I would suggest making him sleep on the sofa until he moves out.

 

[CelinaRoger]

Thank you all for your replies I appreciate them all and they have given me a lot of things to consider.
If it was something like sexsomnia, then would he remember it? As I know for certain that he always remembers it, he knows exactly what has happened.

 

[CelinaRoger]

Maybe a fetish but even if it was does this make it okay? Like shall i just get on with it am i over reacting? . Who knows, it's been going on for 5 years now and every time I bring it up he promises he won't do it again and how sorry he is. This morning he has claimed he doesn't know he is doing it, as I told him he has to leave. But I don't know if I belive this as in 5 years he has never mentioned it before he always just says he doesn't know why he does it.