Tough Times

[If you say so...]

@Bezolabub check out soberistas (google them) you have to pay if you want to contribute but it's well worth it and only around £60 per year (I think!) that's less than I used to spend on wine in a month but the wonderful (mainly women) on there are very supportive and there are so many inspiring reads. I think you'd find help there when you have a wobble, it's a really positive place.

Regarding your parents, ignore them. My mother has been hinting for 16 years and I'm one of 4 of her kids. My older brother can't have kids and I've been trying for 18 months with my fella, to no avail - we're due to start the fertility tests shortly. The other two haven't provided mothers much wanted grandchildren yet either - one was supposed to get married this year but, COVID. The other is still young and care free.

It's down to you and your Mrs when you decide to start trying, not your parents. Like others have said, you're still young so if you're not 100% sure you both want the same thing I'd cut your losses. Kids are a huge deal and even trying puts pressure on a relationship!

Good luck and stay happy - whatever you do checkout the soberistas website.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

@Bezolabub check out soberistas (google them) you have to pay if you want to contribute but it's well worth it and only around £60 per year (I think!) that's less than I used to spend on wine in a month but the wonderful (mainly women) on there are very supportive and there are so many inspiring reads. I think you'd find help there when you have a wobble, it's a really positive place.

Regarding your parents, ignore them. My mother has been hinting for 16 years and I'm one of 4 of her kids. My older brother can't have kids and I've been trying for 18 months with my fella, to no avail - we're due to start the fertility tests shortly. The other two haven't provided mothers much wanted grandchildren yet either - one was supposed to get married this year but, COVID. The other is still young and care free.

It's down to you and your Mrs when you decide to start trying, not your parents. Like others have said, you're still young so if you're not 100% sure you both want the same thing I'd cut your losses. Kids are a huge deal and even trying puts pressure on a relationship!

Good luck and stay happy - whatever you do checkout the soberistas website.

Thank you for the suggestion. Have taken a quick peek and it looks interesting, especially the free 7 day trial followed by an annual fee of around £40. Which as you say is less than I would pay for a case of Jacob's Creek Chardonnay that used to last me less than a week!

As for my girlfriend. Well if we do split up no big deal - more fish in the sea, as they say! Kids can wait despite my occasional maternal yearnings. Just want to focus on my career, qualifications and moving back home next year. And then by the time I'm 30 kids and wives will be my priority, but not now.

Thank you all

 

[If you say so...]

Thank you for the suggestion. Have taken a quick peek and it looks interesting, especially the free 7 day trial followed by an annual fee of around £40. Which as you say is less than I would pay for a case of Jacob's Creek Chardonnay that used to last me less than a week!

As for my girlfriend. Well if we do split up no big deal - more fish in the sea, as they say! Kids can wait despite my occasional maternal yearnings. Just want to focus on my career, qualifications and moving back home next year. And then by the time I'm 30 kids and wives will be my priority, but not now.

Thank you all

It really is!

It's when you approach 30 that the maternal feeling hit the hardest I think. you sound really positive and level headed which is good to hear!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Have already done so. And I am trying to "say no" to my next drink. But sometimes when you're sitting in a room on your own, looking at photos of the person you thought you loved, and weighing other things up, coupled with this SAD shroud, you just push aside logic and think "Oh one more drink won't hurt!"

But for the moment I will resist the temptation

I'm so sorry to hear and I know being so far from family can feel even more isolating. Despite SA being so big one can always just jump in the car and drive to see family, a far cry from having to take a 12 hour flight!
I hope you make the right decisions for yourself.

 

[Bae56]

As for my girlfriend. Well if we do split up no big deal - more fish in the sea, as they say! Kids can wait despite my occasional maternal yearnings. Just want to focus on my career, qualifications and moving back home next year. And then by the time I'm 30 kids and wives will be my priority, but not now.

Thank you all

This sounds great, focusing on you & your own goals. Then, wife & kids will fall into place when the times right.

 

[Scorpihoe]

This is going to sound cut throat but - Ultimately we must end up with partners that fit with our long term goals and plans, or there has to be some compromise. Depending on how much you love her, could you hold off kids until she’s ready?

The last thing you’d want is for her to agree to move forward with kids and then for her to regret it. Having children isn’t something that can be half hearted

Trust me, I get these urges to have children occasionally, and it’s difficult because my partner and I are the same age (both 23), and he wants to wait. But I do love him and recognise I’m still very very young, so I can wait

 

[If you say so...]

This is going to sound cut throat but - Ultimately we must end up with partners that fit with our long term goals and plans, or there has to be some compromise. Depending on how much you love her, could you hold off kids until she’s ready?

The last thing you’d want is for her to agree to move forward with kids and then for her to regret it. Having children isn’t something that can be half hearted

Trust me, I get these urges to have children occasionally, and it’s difficult because my partner and I are the same age (both 23), and he wants to wait. But I do love him and recognise I’m still very very young, so I can wait

it’s difficult because we all think we will be able to have / bear a child, which is why I was so complacent Obviously I don’t want to scare monger but I regret wasting 5 years with someone who didn’t want kids (I thought I could change his mind! But I’m so glad I didn’t now)

 

[Scorpihoe]

it’s difficult because we all think we will be able to have / bear a child, which is why I was so complacent Obviously I don’t want to scare monger but I regret wasting 5 years with someone who didn’t want kids (I thought I could change his mind! But I’m so glad I didn’t now)

Of course, I never get into relationships unless I am certain they share the same long term goals as me. Otherwise I’ll just end up wasting my time and falling in love and just hurting myself I did that with my ex. He was really immature even though he was 5 years older than me!

 

[Fofoca]

@Bezolabub I don’t have any wise words but I just wanted to send you a virtual hug I guess. Wrap you up in kind words. I’ve also joined TL recently (well, lurked a while and became
active recently) and these days just seeing your username makes me smile, like seeing an old friend. You seem really awesome and I’m cheering for you! The fact you can recognise dark days means that you’ll be able to see brighter days too right? Wishing you only the best. Please be kind to yourself.

 

[265]

Thanks for the replies. The more I think about it the more I am convinced I am to bide my time, ignore the whims of my parents, and just wait until I'm good and ready.

My intention was always to return to SA in the next year or so. But given this pandemic fiasco, I might bring that forward to early 2021 and take it from there. At least I will be near my family once more, and perhaps my SAD may lift.

Shame to be leaving the UK. I do love it here, but there are too many uncertainties. And the more I think about staying here the more tempted I am to go to the local supermarket and buy bottles of wine again.

First World problems, lol

From this post it sounds like you are part of the way to sorting out your issues, at least you are asking questions and actually doing something about it, perhaps the UK isn't really for you from what I understand. Moving back to SA IMO might be the solution, especially with the SAD condition.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

This is going to sound cut throat but - Ultimately we must end up with partners that fit with our long term goals and plans, or there has to be some compromise. Depending on how much you love her, could you hold off kids until she’s ready?

The last thing you’d want is for her to agree to move forward with kids and then for her to regret it. Having children isn’t something that can be half hearted

Trust me, I get these urges to have children occasionally, and it’s difficult because my partner and I are the same age (both 23), and he wants to wait. But I do love him and recognise I’m still very very young, so I can wait

I do genuinely love her, but she's just turned 24 to my 27. Not much of a gap, but she is young having only left university a couple of years ago. Really don't want to tie her down to my plans and needs while she carries on exploring life. And the idea of having children would just complicate things because I don't think her parents are all that switched on to same-sex marriages and two women bringing up children. And to be honest I don't think she is fully onboard either.

Therefore, I think I will cut my losses with her, and just stay friends. I'm sure she'll be quietly relieved by that, and it means one less thing to hold me back (which sounds harsh, but in a good way)

From this post it sounds like you are part of the way to sorting out your issues, at least you are asking questions and actually doing something about it, perhaps the UK isn't really for you from what I understand. Moving back to SA IMO might be the solution, especially with the SAD condition.

I was tossing and turning about this very issue earlier this morning, hence my early presence on here. Have lived here for about 13/14 years, and loved every moment. But I think as I approach another stepping stone in my life, I need to lay some new foundations as soon as I can. And I think being near my family would certainly help (plus they're getting on in years, so will need looking after at some point).

The more I read in the papers about the utter clusterfuck (pardon my French) the UK is heading into over the next 12-24 months with the pandemic, the economy, the national debt and Brexit, the more I am convinced its time to move on, otherwise my depression and anxiety will get worse, as will my drinking.

The South African economy isn't exactly great either, but its more than just that. I have family and friends over there, the climate is better/warmer, and of course its a huge country, so plenty of places to work and live without getting too enveloped in the relentless rat race of urban life.

The more I think about this the more positive I feel I am making the right decision.

There's a great quote from the film "The Shawshank Redemption", which I printed off, laminated and had framed and hung on my office wall years ago, which says

"Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying"

Damn Right to the first one!

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Apparently, the South African government has announced it will open its international borders in the next month to all nations including the UK.

So that certainly greases the wheels, and since I have dual-nationality I don't need to worry about visas.

Of course I still have this house to sell, as well as actually telling my parents I'll be a little more closer to home sooner rather than later, ha!

I've also got a house-move planner fired up on my other monitor, along with a few other things I need to get things moving.

For the first time since the clocks went back a couple of weeks ago I feel exceedingly motivated

@Bezolabub I don’t have any wise words but I just wanted to send you a virtual hug I guess. Wrap you up in kind words. I’ve also joined TL recently (well, lurked a while and became
active recently) and these days just seeing your username makes me smile, like seeing an old friend. You seem really awesome and I’m cheering for you! The fact you can recognise dark days means that you’ll be able to see brighter days too right? Wishing you only the best. Please be kind to yourself.

Thanks for the kind words. And I still love your username purely because its like a swear word and I have the mind of a giggling teenager, lol.

I feel very upbeat today, not least because the South African government will be lifting open borders to international travel very soon. Which means I can bugger off "home" without much faffing about.

 

[judgejohndeed]

And it means one less thing to hold me back (which sounds harsh, but in a good way)

Not harsh at all, I'm so here for this energy tbh. Glad it sounds like you're feeling better! Moving to SA sounds like the right thing for you, it must be so hard being away from your family. Totally agree with what you've said re making an escape from the tit show here as well

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Not harsh at all, I'm so here for this energy tbh. Glad it sounds like you're feeling better! Moving to SA sounds like the right thing for you, it must be so hard being away from your family. Totally agree with what you've said re making an escape from the tit show here as well

Am so pleased to find a site like this, and the kind support it offers compared to the usual embittered social media sites I could mention.

Thank you all

 

[Scorpihoe]

Am so pleased to find a site like this, and the kind support it offers compared to the usual embittered social media sites I could mention.

Thank you all

how long have you been with your girlfriend? How would you feel about talking to her about how you feel?

 

[Mulholland Drive]

how long have you been with your girlfriend? How would you feel about talking to her about how you feel?

Only a few months to be honest. She is/was a pleasure to be with, but I am asking a lot from her, and I really don't want to put her in that position so young in life.

I am sure I will find a woman of my dreams to whom I can relate to when I do finally emigrate.

Just so long as I can keep off the booze for the next few weeks/months I will see that as a bigger achievement because right now I feel a close affinity for a bottle of wine than the warm comforting presence of another woman - which clearly isn't right.

PS. If I was in a position to do so I would PM you all individually and thank you for your kindness and good wishes. But alas I am still a noobie and don't have that option yet.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Have gone into another deep depression again.

Am sad, lonely, lost, and am trying to cheer myself up by posting on here. But I am also listening to some sad songs, which really don't help. And yet its all I really want to listen too right now.

This lockdown is sucking the lifeforce out of me, as it probably is for many other people out there. But I miss my ex-girl even though I have done everything short of begging her to return (even though I know we can never be in a relationship again). I just miss her friendship, her smile, her voice... just everything about her really. And yet she's gone and she's made it clear she won't be coming back.

I have had break-ups with previous women before, but this one really has hit me hard. Don't really know what makes her THAT special to want to break my heart/spirit, but there it is.

How many mistakes do we make before we realise how much we miss those people you drive away?

Yes, this is very much a "woe is me" post. And i shall cry, and sob, and get over it. But its good to post because it becomes a historical footnote. A footnote I hope one day I will be able to look back on and not feel so sad then as I do now.

 

[Barbie2020]

Have gone into another deep depression again.

Am sad, lonely, lost, and am trying to cheer myself up by posting on here. But I am also listening to some sad songs, which really don't help. And yet its all I really want to listen too right now.

This lockdown is sucking the lifeforce out of me, as it probably is for many other people out there. But I miss my ex-girl even though I have done everything short of begging her to return (even though I know we can never be in a relationship again). I just miss her friendship, her smile, her voice... just everything about her really. And yet she's gone and she's made it clear she won't be coming back.

I have had break-ups with previous women before, but this one really has hit me hard. Don't really know what makes her THAT special to want to break my heart/spirit, but there it is.

How many mistakes do we make before we realise how much we miss those people you drive away?

Yes, this is very much a "woe is me" post. And i shall cry, and sob, and get over it. But its good to post because it becomes a historical footnote. A footnote I hope one day I will be able to look back on and not feel so sad then as I do now.

Sorry you are struggling! As cliche as it sounds things will get better! We’ve all been in that position it’s rubbish but you will get through it. Depression is making me have horrible thoughts and I find things too much some days it’s really hard. tattle has been a massive support getting to talk to different people and not feeling too isolated. Keep talking to us

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Sorry you are struggling! As cliche as it sounds things will get better! We’ve all been in that position it’s rubbish but you will get through it. Depression is making me have horrible thoughts and I find things too much some days it’s really hard. tattle has been a massive support getting to talk to different people and not feeling too isolated. Keep talking to us

Thanks for your kind words.

Have got through my bad patch from earlier, had a shower and feel much better for the moment.

Living alone during a lockdown really doesn't help one's depressive thoughts. But sites like this, and friends on Zoom & Teams do help.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

A small update in that I am back with my girlfriend again after a rather bitter break-up 3 weeks ago.

Even though she lives many miles away I am happy that we're an item again, and I will make a determined effort to keep it that way.

I still drink, but my dark depressing thoughts have lifted somewhat.