Touchy subject. But abortion guilt...

[KateESJ]

I had an abortion a few weeks ago. My mental health is shite and honestly the thought of having another baby scares the crap out of me. It just wasn’t going to happen. Our last baby is only 6 months and he was unplanned and we went through with having him but it’s been incredibly tough.

It was the right decision for us. So why do I feel suddenly so guilty about it?

All I’ve been able to think about these past two days is how I should’ve just gone ahead with it and suffered so we could’ve welcomed a new life.

We’ve lost a child (he was 4, he died in 2016) and I feel like I owed something to him and the baby that could have been. I feel like as someone who has lost a child I owe my children more and I let them down by terminating what could’ve been their sibling. I know it’s a dumb way to think and it’s not true but I overthink everything to the point of going crazy.

I know it was the right decision. But I can’t stop thinking what if...

I hope nobody here has dealt with similar feelings but has anyone? I’m in therapy and going to discuss it there and hopefully deal with my thoughts a little better.

 

[Ellsbells123]

You have done what is right for you. Your emotions are natural and understandable and especially if your baby is only 6 months old, you are dealing with the hormone changes from that pregnancy/birth. You are getting the support you need and you will get through it. Look after yourself and try not to be so hard xx

 

[Justjonie]

Easier said than done I know, but try not to feel guilty. I'm glad you're going to get help to talk through how you feel. You made the right decision for your family and that's all that matters. There will always be people who judge other people's decisions, hell we do it in this forum every single day. However, when it comes to things like mental health, then you were 100% right to do what you did. You put you and your family's wellbeing first and that's what counts. Stay strong and well done for being so open on this

 

[ChrissyPoo]

Sending you so much love.

You clearly made the decision that you believe was right for your family and most importantly - yourself. I know many women who have had abortions (I'm pro-choice and have campaigned/protested for buffer zones etc in the past) and feel the exact same way you do. Abortion is not an easy decision to make, but perhaps further down the line you might be able to see that it was a choice you had to make for the sake of your family and yourself long term.

Please reach out to people who can help you overcome this tough time. Contact the clinic you used, and ask if they have any sort of aftercare/counselling they could offer you. I believe bpas do as well as a few others. Also please reach out for help regarding your mental health if you haven't already done so. It's so so important.

You have not failed your children for making this decision. You have been through so so much. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself, ask for help when you need it... I know we are an anonymous gossip forum, but my inbox is always open should you ever need to chat.

You are a strong woman. And you will get through this xxx

 

[WatchingandJudging]

I had an abortion a few weeks ago. My mental health is shite and honestly the thought of having another baby scares the crap out of me. It just wasn’t going to happen. Our last baby is only 6 months and he was unplanned and we went through with having him but it’s been incredibly tough.

It was the right decision for us. So why do I feel suddenly so guilty about it?

All I’ve been able to think about these past two days is how I should’ve just gone ahead with it and suffered so we could’ve welcomed a new life.

We’ve lost a child (he was 4, he died in 2016) and I feel like I owed something to him and the baby that could have been. I feel like as someone who has lost a child I owe my children more and I let them down by terminating what could’ve been their sibling. I know it’s a dumb way to think and it’s not true but I overthink everything to the point of going crazy.

I know it was the right decision. But I can’t stop thinking what if...

I hope nobody here has dealt with similar feelings but has anyone? I’m in therapy and going to discuss it there and hopefully deal with my thoughts a little better.

You have done what is right for you, your current circumstances and your family which is very brave. A lot of people wouldn’t have the strength or they bring children into the world when they aren’t ready or the child is unwanted - I see this first hand in my line of work and it is devastating for those children and their families.

You’re also going through a grieving process, so although you made the decision which was right for you, you’re having the normal response we would expect anyone to have or feel given the circumstances.

Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling as suppressing it is only going to make your mental health suffer further. You’re human, be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up! We do enough of that daily.

 

[Jelly Bean]

Och poor you. No useful advice but seriously try not to torture yourself. So many emotions and hormones going on, the abortion, your 6 month old and the loss of your little boy which is still relatively recent. Plus you must just be so tired from having a small baby and the stress of the decision for the termination. You certainly haven't let your children down in fact this difficult decision I'm sure was made with them in mind. Plus guilt is such a insidious emotion sometimes - it makes you think you've made the wrong choice when you know you haven't and it creeps up on you when you are at your most vulnerable. This is a trivial example but I left my marriage a few years ago and I know it was right but it didn't stop the crushing guilt then and sometimes now. I felt so much responsibility for him, my children and parents who were all very upset to the point of thinking I should've stayed to keep everyone else happy. Guilt messes with rationality I think and makes you think the darkest thoughts about yourself. Usually when you are a bit tired and rundown I find. Just remember - just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you made the wrong decision.
Good luck Kate, take care, I know you are going to therapy but look after yourself physically as well. X

 

[spiderpig]

I've been through it myself and it's horrible but you have to just think it's for the right reasons. It's very difficult but gets easier over time. Please feel free to message me if you need to chat x

 

[Onepotatotwopotato]

I think it's all just a bit raw at the moment, and what you're feeling is completely natural and expected after such a difficult decision but you'll start to feel better about it in time. I'd probably look at going on the implant or something now though just so you're sorted for the future.

 

[KateESJ]

Thank you all so much.

I’ve spoken a bit about it with my therapist and feel better already just by getting it off my chest. It was the right choice. It seems the guilt is just something that comes with the heaviness of that choice.

I think it's all just a bit raw at the moment, and what you're feeling is completely natural and expected after such a difficult decision but you'll start to feel better about it in time. I'd probably look at going on the implant or something now though just so you're sorted for the future.

I had an IUD (coil) in place. Which is really annoying as we took precautions but it still happened.

My husband wants to get snipped. At least that way we’ll know for sure.

 

[Motherofboys]

I had an abortion a few weeks ago. My mental health is shite and honestly the thought of having another baby scares the crap out of me. It just wasn’t going to happen. Our last baby is only 6 months and he was unplanned and we went through with having him but it’s been incredibly tough.

It was the right decision for us. So why do I feel suddenly so guilty about it?

All I’ve been able to think about these past two days is how I should’ve just gone ahead with it and suffered so we could’ve welcomed a new life.

We’ve lost a child (he was 4, he died in 2016) and I feel like I owed something to him and the baby that could have been. I feel like as someone who has lost a child I owe my children more and I let them down by terminating what could’ve been their sibling. I know it’s a dumb way to think and it’s not true but I overthink everything to the point of going crazy.

I know it was the right decision. But I can’t stop thinking what if...

I hope nobody here has dealt with similar feelings but has anyone? I’m in therapy and going to discuss it there and hopefully deal with my thoughts a little better.

Oh lovely my heart goes out to you. Firstly I love how you’ve gone about this All the feelings are natural. With a 6 month old you would still be feeling hormonal following that birth. You did what was right for you and your family. Imagine flipping it and you continued with pregnancy, you’d probably regret doing that. And probably feel a lot worse. Either way they’re normal, human reactions and feelings. Well done for saying it “out loud” as such. You’ve managed that first major step! Which will make you feel better in the long run

 

[Onepotatotwopotato]

Thank you all so much.

I’ve spoken a bit about it with my therapist and feel better already just by getting it off my chest. It was the right choice. It seems the guilt is just something that comes with the heaviness of that choice.



I had an IUD (coil) in place. Which is really annoying as we took precautions but it still happened.

My husband wants to get snipped. At least that way we’ll know for sure.

That's terrible, how awful that has happened to you! Well done for making such a difficult and upsetting decision and I really think with time the guilt will lessen. You have taken the whole families needs into consideration and done what you think is best, that's commendable really. At six months post partum, no wonder you are emotional! Xx

 

[BettyCrocker]

I think you’d probably benefit from seeing a counsellor or someone to talk over how you are feeling and help you to process it and start to move on.

From your post, I think you made the right decision. You shouldn’t feel any guilt, you did the best you could have in an incredibly difficult set of circumstances.

It’s a huge thing to go through and your hormones will be all over the place too so just give yourself time, get some professional help to work through your feelings.

All the best to you & yours xx

 

[Tallyho]

I had a termination 17 years ago. Although it was the right thing to do for me at that time, i beat myself up about it terribly for years. Its not something i really speak about as its a time in my life I'd rather forget. But i completely understand where you are coming from. Just be kind to yourself. Gradually the feelings with lessen but it's a hard thing to get over and it will take time x

 

[SavetheDrama]

Be kind to yourself, and if you are able to, maybe see a therapist to talk about your feelings of guilt.
Give yourself time and space to heal.

 

[KateESJ]

Thank you guys

I am feeling better about it. My therapist has helped loads already and I know eventually I’ll be able to think about it without feeling any guilt at all. Just didn’t realise how hard it would be even though it’s the right decision.

Hubby has made an appointment to ask about getting a vasectomy. Hopefully soon we won’t have to worry at all.