To think this is so unfair?

[judgejohndeed]

People who think they wouldn't feel exactly the same as the OP in this situation are honestly living in a dreamworld, I'm sorry. It's very easy to judge people for feeling 'bitter' when it's not you in that situation. We all love to think we're more rational and fair than we actually are.
I've done a tiny bit of wills and probate and I have to say I honestly do not know what crosses these parents' minds when they do things like this. It causes so many family rifts not only between the child who isn't left anything and the parent, but a resentment between the siblings. It's very obviously going to make the child who isn't left anything feel like they've been penalised for working for what they have while the other one has coasted and then been given the house.
OP all you can do is encourage your partner to talk honestly to his Dad about why he's done this. There's really not much else you can do. I'm sorry you're in this position though and I don't think what you're feeling is irrational. Your partner must be very upset and confused.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Maybe it’s because he knows they can’t stand on their own two feet?

She lives with FIL after giving up council property about 10 years ago. Mil died 14 years ago. Never married. Kids all have different dad's that have nothing to do with kids. Yes we have 2. Son 26 and daughter 9.

Kind of grates that son is practically working himself to the bone,paying extortionate London rent and his cousins don't have a care re paying anything re rent or food. Sorry if I'm drip feeding.

They aren’t children. They are grown adults.

You’re coming across as jealous when there’s nothing to be jealous of. It sounds like they can’t wipe their own arses (are they working), be proud that you and your family work for what you have.

 

[Alexaj]

Yeah, I agree with the above. I'm in a 'better' situation than my sister at the moment and should my parents decide not to split the inheritance fairly I'd be pretty p*ssed off. Firstly, I might not always be in a better financial position (things change, life happens) and secondly I don't think it'd be fair to be penalised for making better life choices. JMO. I'd be less annoyed if they told me they were leaving everything to a dog charity tbh because it's not really about the money.

 

[hiya_hun]

I would just see it as, even if the Dads a fit 70 now, he won’t always be. When the time comes that he needs looking after, the SIL will be living in the same house

She lives with FIL after giving up council property about 10 years ago. Mil died 14 years ago. Never married. Kids all have different dad's that have nothing to do with kids. Yes we have 2. Son 26 and daughter 9.

Kind of grates that son is practically working himself to the bone,paying extortionate London rent and his cousins don't have a care re paying anything re rent or food. Sorry if I'm drip feeding.

I get what your saying. But it wouldn’t help your son paying London rent if the house hadn’t been handed over to your SIL. It’s no one else’s responsibility to pay your sons rent but his 26 year old self and it’s his choice to live in London,

Fair enough if the cousins live rent free but they clearly live in a house with not only their mother but also their grandfather. Completely different lifestyle - which I’m sure your son wouldn’t prefer.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

^^ that's a harsh response.

OP, I can understand being hurt. There isn't really a whole pile your husband can do but I just wanted to say I can understand. I think it's all very well to say you or he shouldn't be hurt but it's human nature.

And your FIL was so cheeky to bring up your Mum's inheritance.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I didn't bad mouth at all. I was giving all the info without outing myself.

Someone asked if the dad was involved and I told them the answer.

Honestly there is nothing in anything you've said that comes off bitter to me. This person's judgement is clearly clouded by their own personal experience of the situation, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[judgejohndeed]

WHAT ever I said you would of used it against me so I dont care but for guys to say she ain't bitter or jealous she is because all I see is my husband has worked all.his life my son lives in London and works while his cousin sit on there arse well how do you know they are just sitting on there arses honestly I hope you are not one of these who complains they get nothing while doing nowt for the father in law and then question why they ain't its between father and son noone else it even the ops also can I mention I dont care my grandparents left me nothing they looked after me they loved me and looked after me I dont need there money or house to know how much I was loved from them and that all that matters to me


Well if she can come on a public forum tell the sisters life then I am pretty sure her or the husband can go and talk to the sister about the situation

It's not about 'using it against you' - you are building so many facts into this situation that it's impossible to take you seriously. And it doesn't escape me (and others clearly) that what you're making up here mirrors your own situation, which is why your judgement is clouded.
There has been no suggestion the FIL needs help of any kind. There has been no suggestion that OP or her husband don't help, or wouldn't help if it was required.
Your point about not knowing if someone is sat on their arse makes no sense - it's not difficult to find out if someone is or isn't working. I'm not sure why OP would need to lie about that.
Good for you that you don't feel hard done by about your own situation. That might be right for you but it's not going to be right for everyone else. Other people aren't wrong just because they aren't handling things the way you did. It could be pointed out that you seem to have benefitted more from living with your grandparents whilst they were alive so perhaps you 'got more' from them then and that's why they didn't leave you anything. This is not so for the OP and her husband.
You are right that what parents do with their assets is their choice however people have to accept that this is going to cause family arguments. Saying 'it's my choice' and refusing to discuss it would be a shitty thing to do. If you want to behave like that, you can expect people to fall out with you and in the case of OP's husband, feel hurt that they're being treated differently with no explanation. What a stupid and childish way to behave as part of a family.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Actually I done everything for my grandparents and lived with them for years there own daughters did nothing the same excuse we too busy working ect when came down to it my whole family got something and I got nothing . I'm just saying there 2 sides and she sounds bitter

Well there you go then. You think she's bitter because you're influenced by the fact that you were also treated unfairly and have put up with it, so you think she's wrong to be upset/or her partner is. Really, you are both entitled to be upset that you've not been treated fairly. That's not being bitter. Yes, it is the parents' choice always what they choose to do what their assets, but that doesn't mean if there is a huge disparity in how family members are treated you're not allowed to be annoyed or upset about it. Like I said, parents cause huge rifts doing these stupid things and it can't be brushed off as 'this is my choice.' That is simply not how families work.

 

[hiya_hun]

Just to add - it’s so rude of him to even bring up any inheritance you would receive from your own family. Absolutely none of his business and that would have really grated on me.

 

[Taetae95]

Others have made some good points so I'll keep it brief. Inheritance is so tricky and I agree it's natural to feel hurt and confused by this at the moment. The comment about your mum's inheritance was odd too!

That said, some of your comments come off judgemental and bitter towards SIL, like about her situation, kids having different dads, living home rent free etc. At the end of the day it's FIL's decision and these judgements towards SIL aren't really fair or constructive. I hope things turn out well for all of you.

 

[Penguinandthepinecone]

If your FIL has lived with your SIL for 10 years, and her three (grown up) children probably almost feel like his own children, especially if there’s never been any other decent father figures on the scene for them. He probably is being very simplistic and just trying to ensure that they stay in their home. They probably filled a massive void when his wife passed and he probably does feel extremely responsible for them.
You say he’s fit and active, he could possibly have another 20-30 years of life yet, plenty of time to rethink his will.
Don’t forget, that had he lived on his own it’s highly likely he would have met a new partner/wife in the last 14 years, and if he had it’s also highly likely that he would have left everything in his will to her. Would you have questioned that as unfair?
I do recognise that it feels hurtful, but your husband has time to discuss that with your FIL in a way that respects his decision and doesn’t cause rifts. Maybe he just needs to hear your perspective, but also maybe you/husband need to hear his.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Why is it harsh its the truth and you are all thinkikg it but bloody been too nice about it all

Her son decides to move to London and pay that prices she moans about her nieces or nephews dont work well maybe they got chronic illness or mental health problem that make them not work honestly if she wants the house so bad go out and work for it like and be like I done this on my own

It's not what I'm thinking though- this is an anonymous forum and it would be no skin off my nose to tell the OP what I really think if I thought she was bitter or whatever.

I would be hurt in the OP and her husbands shoes. An argument could be made that maybe the comments about her SiL were judgemental but you know what, we're all a bit judgemental and it would sting a bit to have a family member that has had everything handed to them (including her father paying her for rent on his own house!) while the OPs husband hasn't had everything handed to him. Maybe there's more to the story but we can only go on what the OP tells us

 

[Base2019]

There’s a lot of aspects to this. Your FIL might feel that he’s helping your SIL as she won’t be able to get on the property ladder on her own with 3 kids and no other half to help and support her. She has probably cared for your FIL a great deal over the past 10 years and will continue to do so and he may wish to pay that deed back. In saying that I don’t agree with her taking rent of him, but each to their own.
Your FIL may see you and your husband as being well set up and settled. Don’t forget you have each other for support. It wouldn’t be easy having 3 children on your own with no support.
I understand your husband might feel like he is loved less or not as important in his eyes, that’s understandable. But the one thing I would say is your FIL is still here and about. I’d encourage your husband to reach out to him and discuss this with him.
Many peoples parents do this and it’s not discovered until they have passed away via the will. They are then wondering for the rest of their lives what/why etc. Don’t make that mistake.
Discuss it, don’t dwell on it and enjoy the time you have with your FIL. He’s in his 70s, you don’t know what’s around the corner for anyone

 

[Prince fan 1999]

We are not well off by a long shot. We are in HA accommodation. Husband has worked non stop since leaving school. We are late 40s. Can't afford to get on property ladder,yet people who've not worked a day in their lives get everything banded to them on a plate. It just grates a bit that's all. I'm thankful tho that our son has a great work ethic like his dad. I'm proud of him.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Speaking to the sister, really? It's the OPs husbands family, she absolutely cannot do that and in no way should she.

The OP came here for advice, she did not come to be kicked when she's down or be told she's not telling the truth or have the tone of her posts and what info she did/ didn't include picked apart.

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

Think about the other option here. FIL dies, property has to be sold and inheritance tax paid = SIL is homeless with not enough money to get herself settled and she's lost her father and her home. FIL is fit and healthy now but in 10 to 15 years time he will most probably need care and your SIL will be the one to provide that. He's thinking of the future and in his eyes, this is the fairest option. I would advise your husband to speak to his father about his feelings and not to let it fester.

 

[Ahahha]

We are not well off by a long shot. We are in HA accommodation. Husband has worked non stop since leaving school. We are late 40s. Can't afford to get on property ladder,yet people who've not worked a day in their lives get everything banded to them on a plate. It just grates a bit that's all. I'm thankful tho that our son has a great work ethic like his dad. I'm proud of him.

You honestly sound like a bitter person have you or your husband done anything for your father in law.. have you took him shopping have you helped him when he has been I'll you say hes fit and healthy but all elderly generation need help in some ways and also would love to put people who done work a day but get everything handed to them that is not true and I can tell you that from experience you really are a bitter person who needs to get your self in check all because you are not left a house okay you are living in a council property well you are houses okay there many people living homeless honestly you annoyed me like it's like you want it not your husband

 

[SqualorVictoria]

She posted about it on an internet forum to get impartial advice on how to best support her husband. Her post seems to have hit a nerve with you for whatever reason and you're taking your own issues out on her. Simply saying "it's his decision now stop being a big baby" is not helpful or productive. Families are messy and complex and everyone's dynamic is different. By the way I was going to say this earlier but your situation isn't even comparable to the OPs- it's not as common for grandchildren to get an inheritance unless the grandparents are loaded, of course. It *usually* goes to children, regardless of how much they have done or not. That's the unconditional love of parenting and that's what makes it even more hurtful for the OP's husband

It feels like a snub although it might not be intended that way. OP, I hope your husband and his father can clear the air

 

[JoeBloggs]

Inheritance is tricky and people always assume it should be fairly split between siblings but at the end of the day it’s his choice and you husband has no to right to it if he’s made that call with a sound mind.

As others have said, you seem a settled family and they don’t. If FIL needs care in later life she will need to provide for it but as he now doesn’t own anything the state will help with funding.

Inheritance is never a given and should never been expected or relied upon.

My dad is one of 8 children, one has had in excess of £200,000 over the years and my dad has had £5,000 all because they felt she was the needy (drug addict) one.

What’s done is done, your husband shouldn’t let it get between him and his family.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Yeah, I agree with the above. I'm in a 'better' situation than my sister at the moment and should my parents decide not to split the inheritance fairly I'd be pretty p*ssed off. Firstly, I might not always be in a better financial position (things change, life happens) and secondly I don't think it's be fair to be penalised for making better life choices. JMO. I'd be less annoyed if they told me they were leaving everything to a dog charity tbh because it's not really about the money.

Yeah you're spot on with it not being about the money. I did a case once where only one sibling of four was left something, and they didn't know that was going to happen and they didn't agree with it anyway/wanted it to be split between the four of them, but the damage was already done with the other three knowing that the parent didn't want them to have part of that particular asset. That's what I mean, it's not even jealousy of the money, it's the blatant different treatment of siblings I can't get my head around. Or how parents think that's going to be perceived by the other siblings.