Tips for keeping control at a funeral

[RubyRowallan]

I'm attending the funeral of a colleague. I wasn't particularly close to the person and it was after a long illness. Not that this should really make a difference but it sets the scene in that it wasn't a tragic or dramatic accident.

I get emotional out of all proportion to circumstances for example weeping at sad news, films and when I hear of deaths of people I don't even know. One of my colleagues says he is the same and I am concerned that we are going to both make idiots of ourselves weeping when the persons actual relatives and friends may be in better control.

I would like to pay my respects but in a dignified manner. I don't want to be sobbing into my hankie inappropriately.

I'm not talking about thowing myself on the floor level of behaviour but I would like to be able to at least converse with the persons son, who also works for us. I think that my over-reacting is more a reflection of how I feel sad for the people left behind than for the dead person themselves, if that makes a difference?

If anyone has some advice as to how to keep a modicum of dignity I would be pleased to hear it.

Not going is an option.

 

[Megansnarkle]

The saddest bit of a funeral is the car bit and the service. I always find that the wake is actually never as bad. So maybe position yourself at the back and then only speak to family at the wake?

 

[Kim Mild]

Wear sunglasses

 

[Megansnarkle]

Wear sunglasses

And a hat and dark trench coat and stand at the back and don't speak to anyone? That's guaranteed to get people talking.

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

I struggle with my emotions at funerals for the same reason as you - feeling sad for loved ones left behind and thinking about how they must be feeling. I find that visualising the funeral in advance helps (i.e. walk yourself through it, think about who you'll see, what you'll be feeling etc) as that helps me get a lot of my emotions out beforehand and then I can be calmer and more practical on the day. Also I think finding a spot to focus on and listening to the service but not looking at relatives or thinking too hard helps. Once you're out of the service it's often easier as the "hard" part is over so people relax a bit and just enjoy sharing memories and checking in with each other. Good luck

 

[FlipFlop0706]

I'm attending the funeral of a colleague. I wasn't particularly close to the person and it was after a long illness. Not that this should really make a difference but it sets the scene in that it wasn't a tragic or dramatic accident.

I get emotional out of all proportion to circumstances for example weeping at sad news, films and when I hear of deaths of people I don't even know. One of my colleagues says he is the same and I am concerned that we are going to both make idiots of ourselves weeping when the persons actual relatives and friends may be in better control.

I would like to pay my respects but in a dignified manner. I don't want to be sobbing into my hankie inappropriately.

I'm not talking about thowing myself on the floor level of behaviour but I would like to be able to at least converse with the persons son, who also works for us. I think that my over-reacting is more a reflection of how I feel sad for the people left behind than for the dead person themselves, if that makes a difference?

If anyone has some advice as to how to keep a modicum of dignity I would be pleased to hear it.

Not going is an option.

To be blunt, and I’m really sorry if this is harsh but the funeral is going to be extremely difficult for the family and friends that knew this person well so you have to put your own emotions in context. They don’t need your emotions on top of their own. This isn’t about you. Prioritise your sadness for the friends and family and focus on making this process manageable for them.

In terms of the practicalities, sit at the back away from your other friend so you don’t set each other off. Funerals are sad so you are going to get upset as that’s only natural but if you find yourself getting too emotional then discretely remove yourself from the service without causing a scene. Wear glasses and I found that focusing on a specific part of the room and concentrating on my breathing also helped me to control my emotions to the best of my ability whilst listening to the service.

Im sorry if this is harsh but I’ve had experience when I’ve had to help manage someone’s emotions at a funeral. The family later said they were grateful as it meant they could concentrate on their own emotions when saying goodbye to their loved one, rather than having to console other people.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[DanaScully]

I'm really sensitive/hyper-empathetic (likely an autism thing) and cry at pretty much all funerals, regardless of my relationship to the deceased. Like you, I'm sad for their loved ones. The music usually gets me too.

I usually try to keep my head bowed whilst the cortege passes which helps, and I don't watch the curtain closing if at a crematorium as that always sets me off.

I try my best to let any tears flow in a quiet and dignified way; i.e. no audible sobbing or noisy nose blowing during the service! I always have a tissue on hand to discreetly wipe away any stray tears. Nobody will think you are strange for displaying sadness at the loss of your colleague, providing you try your best to keep yourself together and don't draw attention.