The advice thread for random problems #7

[Lynx]

Am I reading this right? Your brother books a weekend away, a year in advance. So now your whole family can't go celebrate your dad's birthday on his birthday. But you can all go on another weekend, which is not his birthday and on a bank holiday so everything is more expensive

So your one brother is okay with derailing at least 3 things (birthday, weekend, money) for at least 3 other people. And you're seriously thinking about giving in. Okay doormat, let's not celebrate dad's birthday on his actual birthday but on a more expensive bank weekend just because either your brother doesn't think his dad's birthday is important enough to skip the other thing or the golden child never learned to compromise because *checks notes* his sister is actually thinking about giving in with her mom, dad, time and money a year in advance

Babe, be more like your brother and make yourself a priority

Your comment made me laugh. Don't worry, I am not a doormat. I have spoken with my dad, he doesn't want to celebrate another weekend, it's his birthday after all. And neither do I. I was just wondering what other people's opinions were.

I don't want to move it as it affects more people than just my brother and his wife. They can go away any time of the year, as their children are young adults. Plus it's not just a weekend, they have booked a whole two week trip, so the only viable other option would be the more expensive bank holiday weekend.

I knew something like this would happen, I'm convinced my brother is a narcissist for a multitude of reasons, but one reason in particular is he likes to cause disruption when its someone else's (in the immediate family) birthday, wedding, other special occasion, Christmas etc.

Here's some examples. So he will turn up late to birthday meals and keep everyone waiting, he will park somewhere that only has an hours parking and make a fuss that he needs to rush off through the whole meal, if he turns up early he has text me before and said there's no booking (busy day, big group, causing panic) turns out it's a lie, he will not RSVP to weddings or send menu choices, if it's afternoon tea and cocktails he will refuse to order and will just sit there making it awkward (he can afford it) , he will declare he's ordered and paid for a special birthday cake for a big birthday but turns up with no cake. He's previously agreed to coming away and splitting costs, let me book then denied it all leaving me to pay for it all. Christmas get together, announces he's broken down and is waiting to be towed, turns up an hour late in the car that was towed with no further explanation. You will invite him and his family on days out, casual lunches etc and he will say he will get back to you ( he doesn't), or he simply ignores you, he then either blames you for not reminding him, or declares you haven't invited him and that he is always left out. There's so many more (no wonder his first marriage didn't last).

He is exhausting and you can never win.

PS: He's not the golden child. He takes but doesn't give.

 

[Serene Serena]

I would be seriously considering going low contact with your brother @Lynx
He sounds like an arrogant wick with very few morals or a conscience.
Does he actually add anything joyous to your life?

 

[conrea37]

Can anyone recommend some nice smart mary jane ish shoes that are flat but comfy but stylish? My current flat work shoes are dying but I've grown to dislike them so don't want a new pair, and all other flat shoes I've got have zero support on my feet and give me shin pain

 

[Darvos]

Your comment made me laugh. Don't worry, I am not a doormat. I have spoken with my dad, he doesn't want to celebrate another weekend, it's his birthday after all. And neither do I. I was just wondering what other people's opinions were.

I don't want to move it as it affects more people than just my brother and his wife. They can go away any time of the year, as their children are young adults. Plus it's not just a weekend, they have booked a whole two week trip, so the only viable other option would be the more expensive bank holiday weekend.

I knew something like this would happen, I'm convinced my brother is a narcissist for a multitude of reasons, but one reason in particular is he likes to cause disruption when its someone else's (in the immediate family) birthday, wedding, other special occasion, Christmas etc.

Here's some examples. So he will turn up late to birthday meals and keep everyone waiting, he will park somewhere that only has an hours parking and make a fuss that he needs to rush off through the whole meal, if he turns up early he has text me before and said there's no booking (busy day, big group, causing panic) turns out it's a lie, he will not RSVP to weddings or send menu choices, if it's afternoon tea and cocktails he will refuse to order and will just sit there making it awkward (he can afford it) , he will declare he's ordered and paid for a special birthday cake for a big birthday but turns up with no cake. He's previously agreed to coming away and splitting costs, let me book then denied it all leaving me to pay for it all. Christmas get together, announces he's broken down and is waiting to be towed, turns up an hour late in the car that was towed with no further explanation. You will invite him and his family on days out, casual lunches etc and he will say he will get back to you ( he doesn't), or he simply ignores you, he then either blames you for not reminding him, or declares you haven't invited him and that he is always left out. There's so many more (no wonder his first marriage didn't last).

He is exhausting and you can never win.

PS: He's not the golden child. He takes but doesn't give.

My narc sis is just like this. Her speciality is saving up dramatic news to co-opt the energy of gatherings and celebrations. duck him.

 

[Kim Mild]

Your comment made me laugh. Don't worry, I am not a doormat. I have spoken with my dad, he doesn't want to celebrate another weekend, it's his birthday after all. And neither do I. I was just wondering what other people's opinions were.

I don't want to move it as it affects more people than just my brother and his wife. They can go away any time of the year, as their children are young adults. Plus it's not just a weekend, they have booked a whole two week trip, so the only viable other option would be the more expensive bank holiday weekend.

I knew something like this would happen, I'm convinced my brother is a narcissist for a multitude of reasons, but one reason in particular is he likes to cause disruption when its someone else's (in the immediate family) birthday, wedding, other special occasion, Christmas etc.

Here's some examples. So he will turn up late to birthday meals and keep everyone waiting, he will park somewhere that only has an hours parking and make a fuss that he needs to rush off through the whole meal, if he turns up early he has text me before and said there's no booking (busy day, big group, causing panic) turns out it's a lie, he will not RSVP to weddings or send menu choices, if it's afternoon tea and cocktails he will refuse to order and will just sit there making it awkward (he can afford it) , he will declare he's ordered and paid for a special birthday cake for a big birthday but turns up with no cake. He's previously agreed to coming away and splitting costs, let me book then denied it all leaving me to pay for it all. Christmas get together, announces he's broken down and is waiting to be towed, turns up an hour late in the car that was towed with no further explanation. You will invite him and his family on days out, casual lunches etc and he will say he will get back to you ( he doesn't), or he simply ignores you, he then either blames you for not reminding him, or declares you haven't invited him and that he is always left out. There's so many more (no wonder his first marriage didn't last).

He is exhausting and you can never win.

PS: He's not the golden child. He takes but doesn't give.

I did wonder if your brother may be a bit of a narcissist. My in laws always book holidays on their family members birthdays too.

 

[Kim Mild]

Can anyone recommend some nice smart mary jane ish shoes that are flat but comfy but stylish? My current flat work shoes are dying but I've grown to dislike them so don't want a new pair, and all other flat shoes I've got have zero support on my feet and give me shin pain

I appreciate they aren't everyone's style but have you looked at Dr Martens? They do flat Mary Jane's and the soles are really supportive for standing in . They aren't too flat .

 

[GlennCoco]

I appreciate they aren't everyone's style but have you looked at Dr Martens? They do flat Mary Jane's and the soles are really supportive for standing in . They aren't too flat .

I second the dr martens. I love mine and think they’re really smart. I will advise you to buy the “balm” I think it’s called that they advertise, to rub on them because I really struggled with breaking them in. I’ve done it eventually but my god, it was a bit rough at times

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Do people recommend using a mortgage advisor? I used one when I was a first time buyer and not long until my mortgage is due to renew. My first one recommended a 2 year deal but I said no I want 5 years so went for that. Glad I did as the rate went up a lot a few months later. Just makes me wonder whether or not I can just do it myself

 

[Melian]

Apart from poison how can I stop mice? I've found my second since Monday

I contacted my housing association (who I'll contact again) and was told this is my responsibility. Fed up of dealing with it

 

[Snippysnips]

Apart from poison how can I stop mice? I've found my second since Monday

I contacted my housing association (who I'll contact again) and was told this is my responsibility. Fed up of dealing with it

Don't think they like peppermint so maybe a spray around where you think they are gaining access if you can't close that up, to get an idea of their route some talc powder or flour should show the tracks

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Apart from poison how can I stop mice? I've found my second since Monday

I contacted my housing association (who I'll contact again) and was told this is my responsibility. Fed up of dealing with it

Humane trap and relocate

 

[littlepup]

Do people recommend using a mortgage advisor? I used one when I was a first time buyer and not long until my mortgage is due to renew. My first one recommended a 2 year deal but I said no I want 5 years so went for that. Glad I did as the rate went up a lot a few months later. Just makes me wonder whether or not I can just do it myself

I think it depends on how much you value your time, how savvy and good at finding deals you are and how tricky your situation is.

If you just want the lowest rate and can switch easily, go for it. If you want no early repayment fees, have a “different” history, have just changed jobs, have a low capital investment etc etc then a mortgage advisor will probably be worth it in the long run.

 

[UsernameBlank]

Do people recommend using a mortgage advisor? I used one when I was a first time buyer and not long until my mortgage is due to renew. My first one recommended a 2 year deal but I said no I want 5 years so went for that. Glad I did as the rate went up a lot a few months later. Just makes me wonder whether or not I can just do it myself

Personally I never use a mortgage advisor to renew. I’m with Santander so upto 6 months in advance I can look at all their rates/deals and decide. They are a large bank that I feel I get a really good rate/deal and don’t need to be changing companies. I do this online and also always select the deal with no fee and lowest rate for however long I want to fix for. Done this for the last 20 years and find it straightforward and always feel I’ve got a good deal.

 

[Melian]

Thank you. Someone has suggested dried snake poo. What the hell?

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Personally I never use a mortgage advisor to renew. I’m with Santander so upto 6 months in advance I can look at all their rates/deals and decide. They are a large bank that I feel I get a really good rate/deal and don’t need to be changing companies. I do this online and also always select the deal with no fee and lowest rate for however long I want to fix for. Done this for the last 20 years and find it straightforward and always feel I’ve got a good deal.

Thanks I was thinking of doing it myself but read that advisors get better rates we cannot see ourselves but I doubt they'd be that much better. I'm with Halifax so think I can do it 4 months in advance to see their rates but might have a look a bit earlier for others since I've read that rates are likely to go up end of year/January and that's when 4months will roughly be

 

[HoGi]

Thanks I was thinking of doing it myself but read that advisors get better rates we cannot see ourselves but I doubt they'd be that much better. I'm with Halifax so think I can do it 4 months in advance to see their rates but might have a look a bit earlier for others since I've read that rates are likely to go up end of year/January and that's when 4months will roughly be

My broker doesn't charge a fee if I refix with the same bank as currently with, but she was able to get a couple of 0.1%'s better rate than just refixing directly with the bank

 

[RandomFrog]

Has anybody used icy bear dental products and would/would not recommend them?

 

[T-time]

Your comment made me laugh. Don't worry, I am not a doormat. I have spoken with my dad, he doesn't want to celebrate another weekend, it's his birthday after all. And neither do I. I was just wondering what other people's opinions were.

I don't want to move it as it affects more people than just my brother and his wife. They can go away any time of the year, as their children are young adults. Plus it's not just a weekend, they have booked a whole two week trip, so the only viable other option would be the more expensive bank holiday weekend.

I knew something like this would happen, I'm convinced my brother is a narcissist for a multitude of reasons, but one reason in particular is he likes to cause disruption when its someone else's (in the immediate family) birthday, wedding, other special occasion, Christmas etc.

Here's some examples. So he will turn up late to birthday meals and keep everyone waiting, he will park somewhere that only has an hours parking and make a fuss that he needs to rush off through the whole meal, if he turns up early he has text me before and said there's no booking (busy day, big group, causing panic) turns out it's a lie, he will not RSVP to weddings or send menu choices, if it's afternoon tea and cocktails he will refuse to order and will just sit there making it awkward (he can afford it) , he will declare he's ordered and paid for a special birthday cake for a big birthday but turns up with no cake. He's previously agreed to coming away and splitting costs, let me book then denied it all leaving me to pay for it all. Christmas get together, announces he's broken down and is waiting to be towed, turns up an hour late in the car that was towed with no further explanation. You will invite him and his family on days out, casual lunches etc and he will say he will get back to you ( he doesn't), or he simply ignores you, he then either blames you for not reminding him, or declares you haven't invited him and that he is always left out. There's so many more (no wonder his first marriage didn't last).

He is exhausting and you can never win.

PS: He's not the golden child. He takes but doesn't give.

Sorry for the late response, life was a bit much. And I'm happy you're not a doormat. And everyone else was already giving you nice comments but sometimes nice doesn't open your eyes. And there was something about the ease that he suggested another, more inconvenient, weekend

Allthough I didn't know he could be a narcissist but your examples are a lot. My mum is the same. Everything needs to be about her too. Maybe that's why your post struck a chord. The way you described your thinking was so focused on him and not about yourself, birthdayman or what the rest wants. An everybody else matters too. But glad you've worked something out and hope you'll have a nice trip

 

[Carapop]

Does anyone had any ideas or advice for a cat who refuses to wear a collar?! My friend has had her cat for three years, but he’s always been kept inside so she didn’t have a collar on him. She’s now moved to a house with a garden and wants him to be free to roam more but only if he wears a collar. The little devil keeps breaking out of them!

 

[Ray1403]

Does anyone had any ideas or advice for a cat who refuses to wear a collar?! My friend has had her cat for three years, but he’s always been kept inside so she didn’t have a collar on him. She’s now moved to a house with a garden and wants him to be free to roam more but only if he wears a collar. The little devil keeps breaking out of them!

we had an outdoor cat for 17 years and she never had a collar because of the risk of them getting stuck on branches etc while they’re climbing